Going to sleep angry - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

labeadel · #1 01-04-2006, 08:00 PM

What are your guys' thoughts on going to bed mad? In our guestbook pages in the advice section, everyone says "Don't go to bed angry." Yet I've found that if I just sleep on it, I feel much differently the next day. Take last night for instance. I have just been in crappy moods lately. Don't know why. There's been some drama at work, but that's another thing. Well, I got home last night after working for over 12 hours and it seems that poor DH couldn't do anything right! He had laundry going (I know, he rocks in that area) but I didn't want to help with laundry after working 12 hours, let alone staying up a little late to do it. And then there was a form that the apartment building wanted us to fill out and they put a giant reminder on our door, that he still hadn't taken care of. So, I had to go down to the garage to get the information that they wanted about our parking spaces. Again, nothing was that bad, but I was just angry at the world! Well, he yelled back at me, so I told him that I WAS going to help with laundry, but now that he has yelled at me, I am going to bed. Sidenote: I also didn't want that to be the last thing I ever said to him just in case something happened to either of us before we got a chance to talk again, so I did tell him that I loved him and I said goodnight, but I was still angry at him. So, I went to bed and woke up this morning and not mad at all. See, I think there is something to be said for "sleeping on it." Unless it's a giant very important fight, I don't like to stay up fighting all night. What are your guys' thoughts?

TheaterDiva1 · #2 01-04-2006, 08:17 PM

I'm more the "don't go to bed angry" type... I just can't sleep unless we've resolved whatever the issue is. So far, we haven't ad a fight big enough to last into the next day (knock wood!).

Complicated Woman · #3 01-04-2006, 08:21 PM

Well, I personally see things more clearly with some extra time, so if I go to bed angry, I usually wake up just fine. However, Tom can't take it if we end the night and I'm upset with him, nor can he go to bed angry, so we usually bicker it out to the end. Even though it works for me, it bothers him terribly.

maroki13 · #4 01-04-2006, 08:53 PM

Although I probably would feel differently the next day with some time, we never go to bed mad at each other. One or both of us have trouble sleeping if we are fighting or ticked off at each other. So we just don't go to bed mad at each other. We haven't had a fight big enough (knock on wood) to carry over days.

bebe · #5 01-04-2006, 09:01 PM

I think that every couple has to find a communication style that fits them the best. Some can't go to bed angry, some like to sleep on it. As long as what you two are doing works for the both of you, I really don't think there is a hard and fast rule on this.

Lizbet · #6 01-04-2006, 09:02 PM

I think there's a slight difference in "don't go to bed angry", when it comes to whether you're truly angry at your FH/DH or just mad at the world. I think in situations like yours last night, labeadel, you and your DH knew that you weren't so much angry at him as just upset with the day. In cases like that, I don't see anything wrong with going to bed and just letting it slide on a good night's sleep. I have had times when DH thought I was mad at him, when I was just having a rough day. On those days, I let him know I just needed to go to sleep, and he was fine with it.

But, if you're truly mad at FH/DH for something he said or did, it should not be slept on. It should be discussed, and out in the open, so that it doesn't have a chance to fester.

cru5h · #7 01-04-2006, 10:19 PM

We don't go to bed angry. We did once and I found the next day I didn't feel as passionately about whatever I was upset about before, but to me - that's just another fight waiting to happen at a later date. So we try our best to talk it all out before we hit the hay.

fallbride · #8 01-04-2006, 10:41 PM

We dont go to bed angry at each other. I could not sleep if we were angry at each other. We talk our problems out before it becomes something bigger.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #9 01-04-2006, 10:56 PM

I don't think it's always best to continue "fighting it out" at any time of the day or night. Sometimes I find I just need to say, I'm feeling TOO angry to talk about it right now, let's discuss later. Because when you're ANGRY "fighting" you're libel to resort to name calling or blaming or saying things to hurt the other person. I find it's better to talk through the issues AFTER the flames of anger have subsided and you can sit down and RATIONALLY talk through the problem. When you're overly tired, it's not going to be productively resolved.

labeadel · #10 01-04-2006, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

I don't think it's always best to continue "fighting it out" at any time of the day or night. Sometimes I find I just need to say, I'm feeling TOO angry to talk about it right now, let's discuss later. Because when you're ANGRY "fighting" you're libel to resort to name calling or blaming or saying things to hurt the other person. I find it's better to talk through the issues AFTER the flames of anger have subsided and you can sit down and RATIONALLY talk through the problem. When you're overly tired, it's not going to be productively resolved.

Exactly! It's interesting to see everyone's views on this. Like I said before, if it was a HUGE fight, I would most likely not be able to go to bed. But, when it's just a little tiff, IMO there is no reason to just keep talking and talking. Like MTGH said, it's better to let the flames subside sometimes. I just think that it's ironic that so many people think that good marriage advice is "Don't go to bed angry" when I feel that most of the time it helps me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bebe

I think that every couple has to find a communication style that fits them the best. Some can't go to bed angry, some like to sleep on it. As long as what you two are doing works for the both of you, I really don't think there is a hard and fast rule on this.

I know, I was just seeing what everyone else's arguing style was... I knew I couldn't be alone with the liking to go to bed pissed sometimes.

Kim&Bob2004 · #11 01-05-2006, 03:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

I don't think it's always best to continue "fighting it out" at any time of the day or night. Sometimes I find I just need to say, I'm feeling TOO angry to talk about it right now, let's discuss later. Because when you're ANGRY "fighting" you're libel to resort to name calling or blaming or saying things to hurt the other person. I find it's better to talk through the issues AFTER the flames of anger have subsided and you can sit down and RATIONALLY talk through the problem. When you're overly tired, it's not going to be productively resolved.

I can agree that if the issue were very hot indeed and name calling could resort, both parties need to put some distance between the emotion not themselves. So sleeping on it might be good. However I think it is VERY important to let the other person know that you still love them deeply. Bob and I have never had a fight like that, the only big issue is his HUGE speakers and him opening the curtains in the morning since he leaves in the day light.... I leave the house at 530 am. Bob was raised where his mom always took care of him and everything he needed. He didn't grow up with chores, that can be a minor issue that we are working on, i grew up with NO or very little free time. It wasn't a big deal before I went back to work, but now I don't have time to do everything for him. Odd thing is he doesn't expect me to he says, but take for example (and I was talking to a man at work about this) when I leave and he is off and I say can you do the dishes and he does the dishes but nothing else in the kitchen I get peeved. To men they think they are doing a big thing where to me doing the dishes means dishes, cleaning the counters and stove top, sweeping the floor and if the trash needs out, dumping it. So now I am making sure I list all the things which need to be done when dishes are done..... Men just think differently then we do, for the most part. I think when married it's vital to learn that difference. We don't let the sun set on our anger.

But I have found it is so hard to ever stay upset with my DH. I see his sweet face and almost see him curl up when I get the first hint of a temper tantrum (Mostly I get angry out of frustration and generally the cause is myself so it's a tantrum). It HURTS my heart and one of my new years resolutions is to not get angry when it's not truly justified, and accepting the things I can not change.

Bob fights differently then I do. Does anyone else notice this with their DH/FH?

ljeagle · #12 01-05-2006, 05:25 AM

I can't sleep when I'm mad or when we fight. He can say what he needs to and then he acts like nothing is wrong and it kills me. He would let me go to bed mad but I won't. Don't feel bad labeadel for the past few weeks nothing has gone my way. I think thats why he is doing so many nice things. Just trying to wake things up...

Complicated Woman · #13 01-05-2006, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

Bob fights differently then I do. Does anyone else notice this with their DH/FH?

YES!!! My reaction when I'm mad is to raise my voice, I don't mean shouting, but I start talking very loud and very fast. Tom gets very calm and quiet when he's most angry, which makes it impossible to get into a screaming match. I also find that it makes him a little more sensitive to even a slight increase in the volume of my voice. It really elevates his tension...so basically I'm trying to slow it down, because I suppose I really do come off sounding as though I'm trying to barrage him with my frustrations, and I don't intend that. I'm just kind of excitable when I'm actually pushed to the limit of being angry.

Marge129 · #14 01-05-2006, 04:06 PM

When I go to bed angry I usually wake up and realize whatever we fought about was stupid... or I just can't remember what we were arguing about to begin with! Sometimes I feel better after sleeping on it and will apologize. Sometimes I'm feeling extra bitchy and drag it out even longer just cause I don't want to admit I'm wrong. Immature? OH YEAH!

I prefer to work things out before going to bed for those reasons. I also have a hard time sleeping when I'm upset.

sparklesweetie · #15 01-06-2006, 01:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

YES!!! My reaction when I'm mad is to raise my voice, I don't mean shouting, but I start talking very loud and very fast. Tom gets very calm and quiet when he's most angry, which makes it impossible to get into a screaming match. I also find that it makes him a little more sensitive to even a slight increase in the volume of my voice. It really elevates his tension...so basically I'm trying to slow it down, because I suppose I really do come off sounding as though I'm trying to barrage him with my frustrations, and I don't intend that. I'm just kind of excitable when I'm actually pushed to the limit of being angry.

You and I are exactly alike CW. I don't even need to explain it, just insert my name for yours, lol. And my FH also gets very quiet. It's aggravating sometimes. We've only gone to bed mad at each other once, and I wasn't mad, I was hurt. (That's another story in itself.) But I knew I couldn't handle talking to him that night, so I made sure I was asleep when he got home, but we talked the next day and got it worked out. Other than that one time, we talk everything out.

555Ann555 · #16 01-06-2006, 01:53 AM

I'm with you on this one Labeadel, when I'm peeved I'm better off taking some time on my own, if it's late and I'm tired I'm best off sleeping on it. I tink it has a lot to do with me having lived on my own for most of my life, I need space and quiet time to think out my issues and wind down a bit before I speak about a problem. If I do try to talk something through when I'm still angry we end up bickering about nonsense so it's more productive to leave it alone until it's clear in my mind. Then if it wasn't important I'll have forgotten about it and if it did really matter I'll know what needs to be said. I'd say sleep on it would be better advice

Kim&Bob2004 · #17 01-06-2006, 02:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparklesweetie

You and I are exactly alike CW. I don't even need to explain it, just insert my name for yours, lol. And my FH also gets very quiet. It's aggravating sometimes. We've only gone to bed mad at each other once, and I wasn't mad, I was hurt. (That's another story in itself.) But I knew I couldn't handle talking to him that night, so I made sure I was asleep when he got home, but we talked the next day and got it worked out. Other than that one time, we talk everything out.

Bob is the quiet one in our home too........ I don't yell but I also get very animated when I get frustrated and excited......... is it a woman/man thing?

feb-bride · #18 01-07-2006, 03:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

I don't think it's always best to continue "fighting it out" at any time of the day or night. Sometimes I find I just need to say, I'm feeling TOO angry to talk about it right now, let's discuss later. Because when you're ANGRY "fighting" you're libel to resort to name calling or blaming or saying things to hurt the other person. I find it's better to talk through the issues AFTER the flames of anger have subsided and you can sit down and RATIONALLY talk through the problem. When you're overly tired, it's not going to be productively resolved.

I agree with this 100%!

I like to "sleep on it" when I'm really upset, but my husband wants to hash it out, even if I'm half-asleep. I actually think that we would not have nearly as many relationship problems if he was the "sleep on it" type like I am.

deputysgurl · #19 01-07-2006, 05:19 AM

I am one who can't sleep if i am a little bit bothered by something, let alone mad or fighting with matt. If i can't talk to them right then, i don't go to sleep until i do talk to them. I know this isn't healty for me, but it is the way I am.

Matt on the other hand would rather sleep through it and see how he feels about it in the morning.

We have only had 2 fights and he wanted to sleep but I wanted to talk, so we decided that I would say what I wanted at night and then he would see about it in the morning. Seems to work for us.

SuzyBride · #20 01-08-2006, 03:33 AM

I think it depends on what the issue is and if you have already started the discussion/argument and where it is.. there are times when Josh and I fight when we just need to walk away (or go to bed) and calm down. If it gets to that point then, yes, I think you should go to bed angry. But if its not there yet, and not an issue that will get to that point, then I think you should go ahead and talk (of fight) it out.

Josh and I fight differently too. He likes to try to twist my words. I am a yeller! He doesn't get loud, but his tone completely changes.. hence my yelling!

Jennifer · #21 01-30-2006, 10:38 PM

DH doesn't allow us to walk away from a disagreement and he never lets it escalate to raised voices. We have only had maybe 2-3 disagreements and when we do he likes to solve it right then. If it was up to me, I'd storm off mad, ignore him and just get over it. But he is all about conflict resolution. I just want to scream.