Leah and Jesse, 8-2-08 - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

leahsalcido · #1 07-13-2007, 09:54 AM

My fiance are anxiously planning a 8-2-08 wedding in our current town. It's beginning to be increasingly difficult for me to plan my wedding as to the fact as my parents are tightening their wallets ($4000 for a wedding in an area that it is common to spend 10000!!) and not allowing me to have the wedding I want. They have even demanded for us to have our wedding in my hometown, which is 6 hours away from my FH parents and 2 and a half hours from where I live now. My parents reasoning for the money amount is because my aunt spent 1500 on my cousins wedding. Which was at a location that they spent 25 to rent, the dress was handmade by her MIL, and none of the flowers were real. I have dreamed of this day my entire life! I would love real flowers, china and linen napkins. I want an elegate gown and it doesnt have to be expensive! (Davids bridal has good deals!) My fiance and I are willing to take out a loan for our wedding but my parents are even mad at us about that. I just want to have the wedding of my dreams and not my mothers!!! Grr... sorry about the ranting and raving. Just needed to vent a little.

Atleast my FH is being supportive of me by saying that nothing will bother him. All he wants is to be my husband; no matter what the wedding looks like. I love him to the world!

anna32182 · #2 07-13-2007, 10:54 AM

First of all, welcome to PASH.

Second of all, you will find many women on here who object to the "i expect my parents to pay for the wedding" scenario.

If you don't like what they are offering, pay for it yourself.

If you can't pay for it yourself... then deal with what they are willing to give you

Personally, I've never understood the "getting a loan to have a wedding" thing. Why start out your marriage in debt?

and i'm sorry, but I can't deal with the phrase:

Quote:

not allowing me to have the wedding I want

Marksbride · #3 07-13-2007, 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anna32182

First of all, welcome to PASH.

Second of all, you will find many women on here who object to the "i expect my parents to pay for the wedding" scenario.

If you don't like what they are offering, pay for it yourself.

If you can't pay for it yourself... then deal with what they are willing to give you

Personally, I've never understood the "getting a loan to have a wedding" thing. Why start out your marriage in debt?

and i'm sorry, but I can't deal with the phrase:

Oh my, this ought to be fun!

Marksbride · #4 07-13-2007, 12:47 PM

Where in WI are you from?
I'm in Portage DH and I got married in Westfield.
We paid for ALMOST everything on our own and only spent about 5,500.

Had a beautiful wedding and it was PERFECT!

Maybe you can find some ways to cut down.

Good luck and welcome to Pash.

AshyBekka · #5 07-13-2007, 02:29 PM

First of welcome to Pash! Secondly, I really think you need to take a step back. I know at first it seems like when you flip through bridal magazines and whatnot that you have to spend a lot of money in order to have a lovely wedding. However, there's a thread on here that Steve started just polling the ladies here on what they spent, and you'll be surprised at how amazing some of the weddings on here were for exactly what your budget is-or less. Check out some of the do it yourself ideas. Prioritize what's especially important to you, and what you are willing to compromise a bit on. If you're interested in David's Bridal, grab your mom and go this weekend-they're having their big sale and you may be able to grab your dream dress for next to nothing!

I agree that taking a loan out for the wedding may not be the best investment. We unfortunately started our marriage in debt-but I have a Master's and a law degree to show for it, so we're both willing to live with it. If you're absolutely set as to how you want your wedding, consider working for another year and saving up so you can augment your parents' generous contribution. Above all, don't sacrifice your relationship with your parents over this-they may be doing everything they can for you, and in any case, parents aren't required to spend anything-many don't, so feel lucky and blessed! Lastly, your FH seems to have the right idea..you said:

All he wants is to be my husband; no matter what the wedding looks like. I love him to the world!

That's all that matters! The relationship you're creating, not the amount you're spending...Good luck.

TheaterDiva1 · #6 07-13-2007, 03:21 PM

Hi Leah - welcome to Pash!

Okay - I know you said weddings in your area are usually twice your budget, do you really need (or want) a wedding like everyone else's? You can save a lot of money by making things (bouquets, centerpieces, favors, etc.) yourself - and that gives you a chance to be unique. Check our DIY contests for ideas - and I'm sure people here would be more than happy to offer other suggestions. Also, if you choose a site that looks great on its own, you don't need to go overboard on extra decor.

Leslee&Jake · #7 07-13-2007, 03:28 PM

Hi and Welcome to Pash!!!

maroki13 · #8 07-13-2007, 05:19 PM

First, Welcome to Pash!!

Second, would you and your FH be willing to push back the wedding in order to afford the wedding you want? I agree with the other ladies that taking out a loan to pay for your wedding probably isn't the best way to start your marriage, but you can always push the wedding back in order to save up the amount of money you want to pay for the wedding of your dreams.

Neither of your parents are obligated to pay for your wedding; them giving you money is a gift. Although I don't agree with parents giving money with strings attached, if you really don't want the wedding they are planning and paying for, then don't accept the money and pay for your own wedding.

southern belle · #9 07-13-2007, 05:41 PM

i can understand you wanting the wedding of your dreams. However i don't understand anyone willing to go into debt for the wedding itself. if you must go into debt do it for the purchase of a home afterwards. your wedding is one day in your life, the loan would be years of it. you can have a beautiful wedding on much much less than you can imagine. i respect your parents for saying up front that this is all they will spend. now in turn respect their wishes on it.

make a list of what is the most important things to you. such as gown, tux, venue, and that sort of thing.

make another list of things you will need. such as invites, flowers, cake and things of this nature.

now look over your list and think hard about what of these items you can make yourself.

my husband and i were married a little over a year ago. we refused to go into debt for it. the only things i did not make on my own were the clothes and cake. the venue was held in our church along with the reception. the entire wedding cost us less than $2,000. and it was lovely.

leahsalcido · #10 07-13-2007, 10:25 PM

that is not at all how i feel. i was very tired this morning. My family is being VERY controlling on my wedding. I know I should be a "big girl" and tell them what I want. But my mother seems to think that they are paying for it, we are not, and the limit is where it is at. I've had friends get married where I am and they had simple weddings and it cost more than my mother would like. I love my family but they need to stop with their old fashioned ideals. My fiance and I are more than willing to pay ourselves. We have told my parents many times. and in a way, yes, my mother is not allowing me to have the wedding I want, by not allowing me to fund it where i want. I know it seems childish and i should be greatful for what they are offering. but if we want to contribute, i dont see why she has to make me feel like crap about it. i'm a nurse, i make good money. they just dont want me to spend my money on something they feel they should.

maroki13 · #11 07-13-2007, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leahsalcido

that is not at all how i feel. i was very tired this morning. My family is being VERY controlling on my wedding. I know I should be a "big girl" and tell them what I want. But my mother seems to think that they are paying for it, we are not, and the limit is where it is at. I've had friends get married where I am and they had simple weddings and it cost more than my mother would like. I love my family but they need to stop with their old fashioned ideals. My fiance and I are more than willing to pay ourselves. We have told my parents many times. and in a way, yes, my mother is not allowing me to have the wedding I want, by not allowing me to fund it where i want. I know it seems childish and i should be greatful for what they are offering. but if we want to contribute, i dont see why she has to make me feel like crap about it. i'm a nurse, i make good money. they just dont want me to spend my money on something they feel they should.

If you and FH are more than willing to spend the money but your parents are still resisting the idea of your kind of wedding, then you have to choose between making them happy (while making yourselves unhappy) or having the wedding of your dreams.

I would say "Look, Mom & Dad; XXXXX is the kind of wedding we want to have. You can either help us have that kind of wedding or we will pay for it ourselves." Honestly, they may be unhappy about you spending your money on it, but the point is: it is YOUR money, and YOU get to decide how to spend it. Not them.

I'm sorry that your parents aren't accepting of the wedding you and FH are dreaming of; I know several other ladies on here have experienced the same thing and can commiserate with you.

ETA: It would help us give you advice if we better understood the situation. When you say they are "very controlling" about the wedding, do you mean they are picking the time, place, food, guests, etc.? Or are you speaking of other wedding things?

birdie · #12 07-13-2007, 11:28 PM

I don't really understand how you, being an adult, can be told that you aren't allowed to spend your own money. Do they have access to your bank accounts? If you want a certain venue, book it and tell your parents later.

Though I suppose it would cause a rift between you and your parents. Like Maroki said, tell your parents that "this is the wedding we want, this is the wedding we'll have. You can help financially or not."

I guess I'm not really understanding the situation?

Complicated Woman · #13 07-14-2007, 03:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by birdie

I don't really understand how you, being an adult, can be told that you aren't allowed to spend your own money.

You know what? I understand now. My dad was the same way. He felt like it was his duty to pay for my wedding and when I would pick up little things for it -- for example, I paid for the invitations myself -- he would get upset and want to give me the money, and when I resisted, his feelings/pride were a little hurt. He felt like I was implying he couldn't afford to give his only daughter her wedding.

However, the difference is that my dad and I were on the same page regarding the wedding cost. That is a tough spot to be in. Good luck!

birdie · #14 07-14-2007, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

he would get upset and want to give me the money, and when I resisted, his feelings/pride were a little hurt. He felt like I was implying he couldn't afford to give his only daughter her wedding.

Okay, I can see how a parent could take it that way. I guess I was just raised differently. My parents were more than happy to contribute some money to the wedding but it was up to us to make the day how we wanted.

Heather · #15 07-14-2007, 03:52 PM

Welcome to Pash. I agree with the above - tell your parents thank you, but you're going to pay for the wedding you want and it's something they're going to have to accept.

If you can't do that, then you're going to have to compromise with what they're willing and able to give. As was mentioned, no one is obligated to pay for any part of your wedding, so accept their generosity and try to be grateful. You can do amazing things on a budget and you, your Mom and family may have a great time working on various things together throughout the planning process.

Good luck! ...And don't hesitate to ask for ideas on how to save money. We've all had to do it!