What's the point???

[NJGroom]

First off before you read this, understand it's going to be a lot of anger & depression. But maybe somebody can give me clear advice & not pity advice.
(read on to understand the difference)

So my wedding is in 3 days. And I've really hit the wall. I mean I've literally hit a mental wall of just so much crap that the concept of running away to northwest Canada is really starting to look good @ the moment.

Here is the background. I met my WTB three years ago, she is an awesome person & I love her. During these last three years we've both gone through incredible changes. two years ago we were engaged. We are both professionals with careers in global companies. We both are in our 30's have our own blend of eclectic hobbies & interests. We have worked hard @ our relationship & both of us go to therapy for resolving our issues. I am ADHD & take medication to remedy the problem.

Ok there's the cut & dry stuff here's all the messy details

1.) No one from my family is coming. I stopped speaking with them as of April 05 due to their behavior towards my sweetie. I come from an dysfunctional family background with every type of know issue (The rainbow of addictions, Sex Abuse, Suicide etc. etc.) I put my foot down towards my parents behavior
and since then I have had no contact with anyone (aunts, grandparents, family friends etc.) This is typical behavior from them (my grandfather & his brother didn't speak for 50 years due to a spat.)
Because of their behavior I also had to choose not to invite friends who still remain in contact with my family. Since I learned that people I considered 'safe' we're in fact not 'safe' & had been keeping tabs on me for my family.

I would say most of the time when I have breakdowns (moments of sobbing etc.) it's cause of this. The knowledge that inside you want to have your family @ your wedding, but the other knowledge that they are so screwed up that it would be the worst thing possible to do.

The WTB has been 'supportive' but it's hard for her because really she has no script to deal with this like most people. So when I would try to be really happy for her that her mom wanted to take her out, or her friends threw her a surprise shower. I just had to smile & pretend while I screamed inside

The look I get from people who ask is the same one when someone finds out you lost your job. The really don't know how to handle it. The feel I get is that of trying to walk away from something really uncomfortable. Most people know what to say if the drunk uncle isn't coming, or you don't speak to your sister. But not an entire family unit & attached friends

In truth the most sincere support I've gotten was from a women @ the laundromat I take our laundry to on Sunday's. She had a friend who experienced the same thing.

This lead to the biggest issue I've had to deal with which was being left alone through the whole wedding process. Since I don't have family involved I just had to listen as she planned away with her family.

I.) Because I couldn't trust the person who I had assumed would be the best man for my wedding. I had to chose another best man (this was a condition of our minister previously we were going to have no wedding party.)

The Best Man I chose is a great guy, but he is a stay @ home dad with three sons between 3-7. So he's around sometime if I needed to talk & other times he's too busy with his sons. While I'm understanding it has lead to a couple issues.

a.) Bachelor\Bachelorette party: My best man couldn't do a bachelor party. He has kids to watch & the only way to do it would be for his wife to not work & watch the kids (since she's in charge of a nursing home & is on call 24/7 this would be difficult) Also since I've dated strippers & know how the business works etc. I really didn't want a traditional bachelor party. Which lead to the realization that all the people we would've invited wanted strippers etc. So I sucked it up and dealt without one.

My fiance also was going to pass on the bachelorette party. Since we're both in our 30's & she didn't see the point Then about a month ago her girlfriends told her that they were taking her out whether she wanted to or not. She called me. she let me know she was going to abandon me on this. I sucked it up & told her ok. She told me don't worry I'm not going drinking we're going to spa's in NYC, but i figured out this was false after she told me she was taking train to & fro NY (normally if she isn't drinking she drives to Hoboken takes path to NYC since it's a lot quicker. Only when she's drinking does she take the train in.)

I am going to say this and if you think I'm crazy I understand. This issue has caused the most grief for me. Not cause of jealously but because all my life through all the crap I've delt with sooner or later I was left behind by everyone who said they'd stand by me. And I thought she'd be different, that when it came to this she'd stand by my side. But this proved me wrong.

So I don't know what to do about that. Because I love her & she's so happy that her friends are taking her out. Am I being unreasonable or just really let down?

b.) Wedding Reception: As I mentioned before, he has issues w family watching the kids for prolonged periods. Additional details: His wife is Filipino's (family is still in Philippines) & his mom can watch the boys for short periods (a couple hours or so.) While 90 % of the time I'm understanding. this lead to an issue with my tux since now I need to find someone to return it since he isn't staying over @ the hotel after the reception. He also cannot make the brunch for the next day since his wife has to work.

2.) Her family hates me. I am saying this will as plainly as I can. I am jewish she is Italian. Specifically she is old school Italian (attended catholic school, catholic high school, catholic college) Her father works in a union trade, her brother & her brother in law the same. She is the first person in her family who is not marrying an Italian. Now I don't use the term hate lightly. this was not an realization I came too overnight. This developed over time & examples which I will provide

a.) I am allergic to shellfish. This is not a mild allergy, it has one become more serious as I've aged. Which is a pity since I really loved fried shrimp with tarter sauce as a kid. Anyway two weeks ago we went out to get some Japanese food, & I ordered beef negamaki. The cook cut up the meat for the beef with a knife that had been used to cut shrimp. Suffice to say my esphogus locked up
and I proceeded to have the 3 hour hocking of phelgm as my throat coated the offending beef bit.
The WTB knew of the allergy but she hadn't actually seen it since I'm vigilant about not eating shellfish. after excusing myself for the third attempt to make my throat expell the meat, she broke down crying as told me that the shrimp table would be removed from the cocktail hour & to hell with her family. The only person who knows is her mom because we were concerned that her father would raise hell. She was concerned that if he found out, he'd more or less tell her that I shouldn't attend Christmas eve dinners (feast of five fishes etc. because he couldn't guarantee's my safety)

b.) Her father didn't invite anyone from his office. I will paint the picture. Her sister who has made some of the worst life choices I've ever seen in a person, had her wedding @ a knights of Columbus hall because that's all they could afford. He invites everyone from his office to attend. We are having our reception @ a 4 star hotel used by AT&T & Verizon for CEO meetings here in NJ & he invites nobody & will not say why. Our hunch is that it's because the wedding isn't Italian enough & they'll rag on him about it.

c.) I'm just not Italian. When all is said & done. I'm an outsider to their culture. What bothers me the most about this is that I've attempted more times than could be counted to be open to their traditions etc. & still be left out of the mix. As I let my wtb know her family would've been more accepting of her former Chinese boyfriend because he grew up in the same area & played golf & watched sports. But I guess I realized it several months ago, when I figured out that her sister husband who's a compulsive gambler & spender was held in higher esteem by them. That no matter how badly he messed up (And I mean bad, he had a job as a facilities manager lined up in NYC for 150k a year that he blew because he didn't get his resume to the wtb's father) Even with this they'll still make excuses for him.

d.) Pet Sitting\Honeymoon. We have a pair of exotic furry pets (they're sometimes made into coats due to human stupidity.) They are cute adorable & far more intelligent than any dog or cat. We couldn't get a anyone from her family to watch them. This was a major problem because @ they cannot handle temp above 80 degrees & need to stay in air conditioning. So we're paying for a pet sitter to visit 3 times between 4pm & 8am on Sat & Sunday. And will be back home Sunday afternoon.

Her family are pet lovers. Her brother has a 100 gallon salt water aquarium & keeps a bulldog. But when it came to our pets who are fairly low key as long as you keep to their schedule. He didn't offer & when he was pressed he said he really didn't feel that he could handle them.

3.) Dear Friends who chucked us to the wayside: This one was a tough one for both of us. People who we viewed a dear mentors and friends have chosen not to attend for a variety of reasons. Some are 100% legitimate. But there were a couple of people who turned down the invitation for reasons that still befuddle the both of us. This was tough on her but it was very hard for me because it made the ration of people 4 to 1 in her favor. (I think I have maybe 20 people attending out of 50 invites.) What really made it suck was that the people I invited knew what was going on with my family & that I viewed them as surrogates.

So that's were I stand. If anyone can give me sincere advice how to deal with this I would appreciate it.

[birdie]

Wow. Well first off, welcome to Pash. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with just 3 days to go. My answer may not be very long in comparison - I need a bit more time to think about it first. But my first impression is how much have you talked to you FW about this? A marriage should be a totally open discussion about anything (IMHO). If you are feeling left out and alone, she should be sensitive to that. Does she know how her family treats you? Does she stick up for you to them? What is her priority - you or them? Just because she hasn't had to deal with a situation similar to yours doesn't mean she shouldn't try to understand it.

As for the number of guests, I wouldn't worry about it. I will have a substantially less number of guests than my FH. That's the way it is. It's not because of a situation like yours, but because of distance. I'm okay with it. I think you've made a choice regarding your family. You have chosen not to have them involved in your life and I'm not sure why you would want them there just for your wedding day. Are you maybe just sad because it's not the picturesque wedding that is in the movies? Not to downplay your feelings, but I don't think anyone has that picturesque wedding.

As for her family, I don't know if there is anything you can do about it other than continue to try. You're not Italian, your allergic to shell fish. So what. I think we can all agree those are completely irrational reasons for disliking you. But it is also a bit of a cultural thing. Continue to kill them with kindness, as hard as it might be. Thank them profusely for coming to the wedding and making it a wonderful day. Apologize for having an allergic reaction to shrimp - it's ridiculous but maybe that's what they want.

Appreciate that your best man is your best man. He's probably trying but I don't think it's a fault of his for putting his family first.

With your pets - it's not anyone else's responsibility to care for your pets while you are gone. I, under no circumstances, expect anyone to take care of my dog when I'm gone. That's part of being a pet owner.

Okay, it ended up longer than I thought.

[Cirig]

Whoa. That was a whole lot to take in.

#1: Your FW's bachelorette party. I honestly think you should give in here. It doesn't sound to me like she's plotting to cheat or anything crazy. It's just a night out with her friends. I understand that you're feeling down, because of your family/ friend situation, but why should that mean that your FW should miss out on festivities with her friends? It completely normal for you to be feeling down/ jealous about it, but I don't think it's something that should make you feel as though she's abandoning you.

That said- are you sure she's lied about what she's doing? If she is, that's a problem. But perhaps she's taking the train for a different reason?

#2: Her family. I'm very familiar with Tradition Italian families. What does she say about their obvious hatred for you? Does she tell them it's not right? What do they tell her?



Just want to say, although I do feel sorry for the situation you in, I don't pity you. And I doubt you'll recieve any pity advice on this board

[justnmary]

This is going to come across very rude, but I just have to ask....are you for real or is this just some joke you feel like playing? Recently we've had posts from people that just like to play games and it's kind of old. So if you're for real, I do apologize but if not there's a lot of women here that will chew you up and spit you out.

I have no advice...I wish you the best.

[Montanabride]

Wow!
Sorry this is happening, amazing how something like a wedding can pull so much frustration among people along with the happyness and excitedness.

I also am getting married in 3 days out here in Montana!!

Just remember to keep in mind that it is Her you are marring and it seems she loves you and supports you even tho her family and your family dont. That is great, this means she is going to be there for you always!

About the party thing. Dont be mad at her, that is not fair to her. She isnt the one who planned it and you have to understand this is what happens when there is a wedding. I myself didnt have a bachelorette party due to the fact i dont know anybody out here ( i am from back east) Buut FH husband had one, i am not upset or jealous i understand that this is what happens with weddings. So my suggestion for that is to get over! Dont meen to be rude, but this little time while planning and doing partys doesnt matter as much as the fact that you are marring your best friend. keep that in mind always.

We all have to deal w/ crap weather its from our own family of our FI, we just learn to either go with it or go around it.

Hope things get better and keep us posted.

Did you do an intro btw? Just wondering. . .

[ladedah]

I think "the point" is that in the end you'll be married to the person that you love and want to spend every day for the rest of your life with.

I don't mean to be harsh here...and I'm sorry that you are having cold feet right at the end (which is fairly normal), but I'm just not a "pity party" type of person....I'm sorry that you've had a difficult family life...but you have choosen for your own sanity (it seems) to remove those individuals from your life....you can't necessarily have your cake and eat it too...either you want to be removed from the drama...or you want to have your family around you...it doesn't seem to be that you can have both in your instance, so you just have to be settled with the choice that you have made....

Secondly, you can't expect your FW to disown her friends and family because you don't have any....to want her to cancel her bachelorette party because you didn't have one, seems a bit selfish to me and I honestly wonder about your motives with getting married....is it because you love who this person is, or because you feel alone in your life and hope that getting married can fill that void???

You've been together for three years now...I'm guessing her family just didn't start to hate you....how have you dealt with it all this time....and from what you said, it doesn't seem to bother your FW, is it possible that in a sense of insecurity you're imagining that they truly hate you??? Maybe they treat her sister and her husband differently because they feel sorry for them, and seem they need a little something extra....

as for the shellfish...well, I just don't know what to say about that?!?!? They hate you because your allergic to shellfish and can't serve it at the wedding??? That seems a little far fetched to me, sorry!!! And taking care of your pets.....sometimes people freak out about pets that are out of the norm or more high maitenance than what they are used to. I know with us, our families are worried about watching our pets because they know how much they mean to us and are concered that if say the dog got out and was lost, how horrible they would feel.

I think that if you truly want to marry this woman and have concerns about her family...that is something the two of you need to work through together...not separately....otherwise ask your therapist to help you with some basic coping skils....because in the end you will be married and it won't matter who or how many people were at that wedding!!!!!

[Heather]

Originally Posted by justnmary

This is going to come across very rude, but I just have to ask....are you for real or is this just some joke you feel like playing? Recently we've had posts from people that just like to play games and it's kind of old. So if you're for real, I do apologize but if not there's a lot of women here that will chew you up and spit you out.

I just posted a note to newmrsmith(cyndi) on the other bridal forum to ask if she's seen this before. I tried to search myself but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to navigate over there.

[justnmary]

It just sounds way too far fetched for me and with it being so close to "Lenoir's" posts, I just had to ask...

[soulsearcher1968]

Only thing I can suggest is...........................
Why not have a get together with your best man, you, your FW and her MOH? Have your best man bring his kids. Go to a zoo? Have a BBQ in your back yard? Make your OWN family.
Family is not just blood relatives. It is those you care about. People that care about you. Be involved in what your FW is doing. Ask her to explain things to you. It is ok as a man to get into the flow of things.
As for the tux of your best man... ask her brides maid to take it back for him. Perhaps. OR, what about a friend of her family, dropping things off for you.
Get them a nice gift for doing so. A thank you for their help in the wedding.

If you really, truly love this woman. JUST MARRY HER.

BTW, the ONLY people I had from "my side" was my mom and dad. Our wedding consisted of all of his family and friends. My mom and dad at one time said they were not even coming, due to feelings they had. I just said....OK. What else can you do?
You can NOT control other people. You can just decide how you will react to them. Obviously, in the back of your mind you know this.

Remember, FAMILY doesn't have to mean the ones you grew up with or the ones you delt with even 2 years ago.
Family......... is who you choose to be with and love and care for.

PS.......... believe me, you won't EVER get pity here. Unless you actually ask for it. Even then, your going to be hard pressed.
The ladies here are wonderful, careing people. Just not really in to whiners. (correct me if i shouldn't have put it that way girls...... Heather....... ).

[Heather]

Originally Posted by soulsearcher1968

The ladies here are wonderful, careing people. Just not really in to whiners. (correct me if i shouldn't have put it that way girls...... Heather....... ).

LOL! Why me? I come on here and whine with the best of them. Especially when I'm sick, lol. But you're right. We'll only blow smoke up a butt if it's asked for.

[Kim&Bob2004]

This poster confused me. My head is fuzzy. Might reread it later.

But one word of advice I can and will give for many of your points, COWBOY UP. Get over it, your bride to be has a right to be happy. If I were her, right this minute, I would be canceling the wedding....... (but I am hormonal I guess, so take my advice for the price it cost ya!)

[feb-bride]

I hope you're for real; otherwise, I'm going to be mad that I wasted time responding.

Honestly? While your family sucks and I sympathize, you seem to be looking for the negative in everything. You are striking me as the type of person whose glass is not only half-empty; it has a hole in it and all of the liquid has drained out.

When my husband and I got married, he only had two family members at the wedding - his mom and dad. I had between 75 and 100 family members at my wedding. My husband didn't hold it against me because I had more family at our wedding; that's just the way it goes sometimes. It almost seems like you're jealous of the fact that she's still close to her family, and that's not fair to her.

Also - It's not her fault that no one is hosting a bachelor party for you. Why should she have to miss out on her bachelorette party because of that? It doesn't mean that she's abandoning you; it means she wants to have a good time with her friends. If you really love her, you would not begrudge her a good time with her friends.

If you really feel this miserable, why are you marrying her?

[Heather]

FYI - The other site hasn't seen this before so it could be legit.

[NJGroom]

Everyone

First off I am real.

Secondly for everyone who put in their two cents of support thank you

Thirdly normally I'm not this depressed. I'm actually the optimist over our pair. It's just the last days of the wedding have overwhelmed me. Actually my WTB is the same way, she is very logical & precises, so when she gets emotional she is very nonsensical.

I guess the problem I'm having & that I've witnessed more than once (Bridezillas was a regular sunday night event.)is that We're ok if the bride is stressed, their is ton's of support for stressed out, crying upset brides because of the wheel of bridal issues (family, friends, vendor, work, weight, groom, location, honeymoon etc.) But when the groom is having a tough time people are befuddled. I mean really really puzzeled scratching their heads.

Even the minister didn't know what to do with this (Oddly he's a friend of mine but he hadn't been around after I stopped talking to my family.) his suggestion was to read same-sex marriage forums which my therapist shot down as good intentions @ best.

Also I will confess I am not a forum poster that usually falls to my other half. So If I'm failing @ etiquette I apologize

I haven't read all the posts but I do have a couple responses

Pets: Yes I know the pets are my responsibility (they're actually her's, I got them as Christmas gift for her in 2004.) My point with that comment & I should've mentioned it, Was that pet sitting had been offered to other family members for their pets. This has bothered the WTB as well

Bachlorette Party: This had to do with solidarity. And I'm going to make my stand about this matter right now. One of the things I've worked on hard in therapy is eliminating double standards (which were far too numerous in my childhood for me to count) & holding people accountable for their actions & choices. (again another thing that I saw disregarded countless times) So for me it was about her standing with me on this. It was "I know this is tough for you so I am going to be by your side and forgo this event because if I was going through the same thing you would do that's for me."

And again sorry for the additional details I have stood by her side
No snacks in the house cause she's on the bride diet: Fine Dear
I need you to pick me up @ this train station cause I missed my train since I was @ the gym: Fine Dear
Please goto bj's & get about $60-80 dollars on chicken, eggs & nuts for this diet the trainer sent me: Fine Dear
Honey I need you to goto trader joe's & get me this Specific yogourt: Fine Dear

So is it wrong for me to ask the same? And if it is wrong why is it wrong?

Family: She has let them know how she feels about how they treat me. I wasn't present @ those fights but they treated me better for a while, then it would revert back to normal. Which is almost a cold hospitality. Also they really don't know how to deal with the family issues I have because they don't have a life script for it.

Again thanks for all the advice

[feb-bride]

Well, there must be at least some redeeming qualities about your future wife; otherwise, you would not be marrying her. Have you tried thinking about the positive things that she brings to the table?

BTW - I was not a "bridezilla" type and didn't need anyone to calm me down, etc. So I'm not sure if there are more resources for the bride. I can imagine that you're right about that, though, because it seems that more often than not, people forget about the fact that the groom might need support, too.

[NJGroom]

Oh definitely she's awesome person. In fact being married isn't the issue. It the wedding day that's the problem

[ladedah]

Okay....her asking you to pick her up at the train station and you asking her to not have a Bachelorette party are two totally separate issues....and IMHO her having a bachelorette party when you didn't is not a double standard.

I didn't have a bachelorette party because all of my friends are spread too far out to have one...yes, the ones within a two hour drive probably would have all gotten together for one, but to me it was too much to ask for them to travel to the bachelorette party and then shortly there after the wedding...so I nixed the idea...yes, I was bummed...but I couldn't ask my husband to give his up....THAT to me is a double standard......

and again...you can't expect her family to know how to deal with your family issues....maybe they are afraid you will expect them to make up for your lack of family....

[feb-bride]

Ladedah is right. IMO, you are comparing two different issues (foregoing snacks in the house versus having a bachelorette party). One has nothing to do with the other.

[wynelle]

Wow!! Okay- you won't get any pity from me, because it is obvious that you give yourself permission to be pitiful.

And I am conflicted as to whether you are masochistic, depressed, depressing, tormented, selfish and/or totally unrealistic.

It is selfish and self-pitying to expect your fiancee's friends to not want to give her a bachelorette party just because you don't have any friends. Yep, heard that right. It doesn't take a Best Man to have a bachelor's party- any of your friends could do that. But it doesn't seem like you have any friends.

It is unrealistic to expect people who do not have exotic pets to house/pet sit for people who do. There are a lot of people who aren't comfortable taking care of animals that should be out loose in the wild but are caged up in apartments. That's what professional pet-sitters are for. If the two of you had a better relationship with her family, and there were family members who were acquainted with your pets, then you could always ask them. But it seems like you were expecting someone to volunteer.

Shellfish allergy--gee, if no one knows you have a shellfish allergy, then why in the world would you get upset because they were serving shellfish?

It sounds as if you are unreasonably jealous that she has friends and family. You have chosen to break from your family; she doesn't feel that need from hers. (Although they do appear to be not-so-nice) But I do have to wonder what all you have done to get them so upset.

Personally, if I were your bride- I would be running like hell in the opposite direction from marriage until you got your severe depression, rejection complex, paranoia, etc under the very tight control of medications and therapists.

[Kim&Bob2004]

Groom,

Let me be straight up with ya. If I was your bride, right now I would be wondering if once we did marry would you expect me to give up my biological family relationships.

I would suggest that you print out your post from this thread and take them to your therapist. If I was your therapist, I would be telling you to cancel the wedding yourself and work some more on your issues.

My husband had just two family members at our wedding. He didn't have a Bachelor party, he and his BM and a GM had a few beers in their motel rooms, and I guess my DH just talked about getting married to me and how excited he was for the hour or two. I had a full blown bridal shower with 20 plus people, a wild cake, yummy food etc. He was not upset at all and it has never entered his mind that my friends got together and threw a big party in celebration of a blessed event for me, but none of his friends did the same.

You want your bride to hide under a rock and mope with you? It sounds like you do.

I know what my dad would be asking you right now, "Do you want some cheese with that whine?" And I am saying the same thing. I agree with Wynell on this.....

As far as her family treating you in any way, COWBOY UP. How many grooms are totally loved by FIL'S? My brother was, and still is, very rude to my husband. Calls him names etc. It upsets me more than it does my husband, my husband knows better. My brother tried many times to turn my other brother and my mom against my husband, but over the years they have seen he isn't those things. Point is, maybe all your in-laws will never love you and treat you as you should be treated. Get over it. Maybe, hopefully, one day you will all come to care about each other. But don't treat them as they are treating you, treat them as you would like them to treat you.

Good luck.

[anna32182]

NJgroom,

first of all, i completely understand about the "someone keeping tabs on me for my family". My mother and her side of the family will not be attending. I haven't spoken to my mom in 10+ years (for close to the same reasons as you stated) and the rest will not only tell her, but probably bring her, or give her my contact information (again...only had to change the darn number twice!) I feel you on that. Trust me, though... it's not worth the stress to invite them.

secondly, welcome to the board.

i really have nothing else to add except

[Kim&Bob2004]

Originally Posted by anna32182

NJgroom,

first of all, i completely understand about the "someone keeping tabs on me for my family". My mother and her side of the family will not be attending. I haven't spoken to my mom in 10+ years (for close to the same reasons as you stated) and the rest will not only tell her, but probably bring her, or give her my contact information (again...only had to change the darn number twice!) I feel you on that. Trust me, though... it's not worth the stress to invite them.

I completely can understand his family situation and don't fault him. My mom's side of the family is so like his it was scary reading it and I can bet there is rampant drug, alcohol and child abuse of all types within his family like there was/is within my mom's (none of my mom's family will be allowed around my children without us there--one aunt would follow me home from school when I was 11-12 and flick cigarettes at me in an attempt to burn me, we moved to escape her constant torture of my biological family but it wasn't enough she would still do everything within her power to locate us--my mom's other sister has also abused her own children in various ways, and the state just keeps slapping her on the wrist telling her to attend more classes, so I know dysfunctional families), but the other issues NG has are the big concern.