Should I show FMIL my wedding dress?

[filmnoirfan]

The only person that has seen my wedding dress is my mom and that is the only person I want to see it until the wedding day. For some crazy reason, FMIL has it in her head that she is just like my mom and thinks she has every right to see the dress-she actually said that to me. She also is upset that she wasn't there when I went to pick out the dress with my mom and she wants to help me get ready on my wedding day-I don't want her to. She isn't my mom and quite frankly, I am annoyed at her attitude-she doesn't understand that she doesn't know me like that, that she isn't my mom and we aren't close. I just don't feel comfortable sharing these things with her. How can I just get her to back off and give me room? I have polled friends, family and etiquette books-none of their FMILs saw their wedding dresses at all, so why should my FMIL? And why is she so insistent?

[Cirig]

SO tell her that you only want your mom to see the dress, and leave it at that. If she keeps harassing you- tell her she is being unfair to your feelings. Hopefully she will get the point.

That being said... You are sounding a little harsh right now. I don't see the issue here. The lady obviously thinks you are close, and maybe she's trying to be your friend. If I had a future mother in-law, I would have included her. I don't think it's strange that she wants to see the dress- at all. So please don't be mad at her for wanting to be included. Just let her know that this is one area that you want left alone to you and your mom.

[deputysgurl]

first think remember it is your wedding. I have a few questions for you.
1) does she have any daughters of her own.
2) is FH her only child.

If she doesn't have any daughters she may just be wanting to help in every aspect cuz she doesn't get to do all the girly things that I mom loves to do. If Fh is her only child then that could also mean she wants to be as involed as possible. Or she could just be a mom that likes to know what the wedding is goig to be like. I am very fortunate my FMIL and I get along great and she has told me to tell her if she gets too pushy. If you want sit her down and talk to her about the things you want her to help you with and tell her that you want to suprise everyone about what your dress looks like. That Is what I would do.

[filmnoirfan]

FH isn't an only child-he has 2 sisters who have already married, so his mom has done the wedding thing already.

[Complicated Woman]

Truthfully, I would just show her the dress. You and your FH are going to be family and she is going to be your family, too. This woman will be a part of your life forever. Why not take this special time as an opportunity to bond with her? Unless you have some particular problem with her, I would just show it to her.

That said, if the dress really IS just so private you can't fathom sharing it with her, can you share something else? Show her your decor, BM dresses, tux accessories, cake options. I would play off the dress thing with a big smile and just say you want to surprise as many people as possible, but try to include her in other things so that she doesn't feel as though you simply want nothing to do with her.

[filmnoirfan]

FMIL is involved in the wedding-she is throwing the rehearsal dinner, helping FH pick out the song for the mother-son dance and helping him pick out his tux.

I just feel that some things are strictly for mother-daughter and my gown is that thing. I have consulted etiquette books and my wedding planner and both said it is not out of the norm for the FMIL not to see the dress. Plus, I am not comfortable or close with FMIL, so I wouldn't feel right showing it to her.

[cru5h]

I think you're setting the tone for your life with your husband's family right now. I can understand not wanting anyone but your mom in the room that day, but not showing your FMIL your dress really sounds overboard. Instead of *trying* to be closer to her you're creating a rift over one day, and one dress. You'll be spending a lifetime with your husband. I wonder how how he feels about this. What's his relationship like with her? Will you have anything to do with her in your marriage? My FMIL can't even remember my name and I will probably only see her once again before she passes away. I don't know what your relationship is with this woman or how you want it to be, but she will not be around forever. For me, it's important to indulge the elders in our lives - listening to their stories, helping them whenever we can, etc. Just so you know where I'm coming from here. Not preaching that you should be the same way.

When you ask: Should I show FMIL my wedding dress?
I say, yes. No she doesn't HAVE to help you get ready on the big day. But not showing the dress sounds really petty. Maybe I'm not understanding the importance of it to you, I'm sorry.

[Heather]

I see both sides. I get along great with my MIL, but with my Mom so far away, there were certain things I wanted to share with only her. That said, when I seriously started looking at dresses, I had my Mom there, my FMIL, my big sister and my FSIL. It was a wonderful day. Everyone got to know each other very well, we had lunch, etc.

Before the wedding, myself and my girls got dressed - MIL had not seen the dress at this point. When the florist delivered all of the flowers, corsages and bouts, I had my MIL come into the room so I could put the corsage on her. When she walked in and saw me dressed for the first time, it was an amazing moment, she was smiling ear to ear, and crying - it was a very sweet moment. She hugged me so tight I could barely breathe.

If I were you, tell her that you want to do the dress shopping and fittings with your Mom, but that she'll get to see you in the dress when you give her the corsage she will wear. It doesn't matter whether or not you're close to her. She's the Mother of the Groom and she deserves just as much respect as the Mother of the Bride. As Crush said, you're setting the tone for your relationship and you're heading down a very scary path. Lighten up a little bit, see it from her side, respect her, and be polite.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

I agree with everything the other ladies said. It sounds like you're resentful of her TRYING to be a part of your life--in a "you don't know me!"/shutting her out sort of way. Why? She IS your family now. It's important you make the effort to meet her halfway in building the relationship or you're setting yourself up for a REALLY difficult life with your husband. Think how you would feel if your FH was setting up a dynamic to shut out YOUR parents.

[whiddle]

I can understand not wanting her around when you get dressed but I think that refusing to just show her the dress is petty. Chances are, by the time your wedding rolls around she will have forgotten what it will even look like because when you show it to her it will be just a dress on a hanger, like any other. The dress does not take on life (lol) until it is being worn by a beautiful happy bride.

You will have many opportunities to fight/disagree with your il's- choose your battles wisely. Is it really worth it to risk any chance of bonding with this woman over one dress and one day. When it all boils down to it, once you are married, SHE is your family and someone that WILL be a part of your life. Do you want her to think of you as the b!tch that refused to allow her to be involved in your wedding. Also, it will not be just her that feels this way- it will most likely be a story that is told to all of your FH's family.

Remember- the wedding is NOT the important thing- it's the marriage that counts!

[syringa]

As a wedding planner, I encourage my clients to include the mother of the groom as much as possible, assuming that she is not a controlling person who would ruin things for everyone. Allowing her to be involved develops a bond between her and you and between her and your mother. I have a daughter and two sons. We included my daughter's MIL in much of the planning, but not all. I was included in much of the planning for both of my sons' weddings. Consequently, we have an excellent relationship with all of our "co-in-laws" and they have a good relationship with our children. Unless you have reason to believe that your future MIL would overstep the bounds, I would show her the dress. The groom is the one who traditionally shouldn't see it, not his mother.

[Complicated Woman]

Originally Posted by filmnoirfan

FMIL is involved in the wedding-she is throwing the rehearsal dinner, helping FH pick out the song for the mother-son dance and helping him pick out his tux.

I just feel that some things are strictly for mother-daughter and my gown is that thing. I have consulted etiquette books and my wedding planner and both said it is not out of the norm for the FMIL not to see the dress. Plus, I am not comfortable or close with FMIL, so I wouldn't feel right showing it to her.

It's great that your FMIL is involved with your FH's stuff, but it seems to me like she wants to spend time with YOU. If you aren't comfortable or close with her, you probably really want to work on getting more comfortable and closer with her, unless you and FH plan to have nothing to do with his family after the wedding. After all, she is the mother of the man you love and want to marry -- and unless she's been a horrible, abusive mother, she deserves to get to know you, since you're marrying her son! Plus, who knows? You may find out that you really enjoy your relationship with her. I really love my FMIL and am infinitely grateful to her for raising such a wonderful man and being such a great source of love and support for Tom (FH). Maybe you can try looking at your FMIL in a similar light?

[filmnoirfan]

I am just really private and it takes me a long time to warm up to people and FMIL is always trying to push herself on me and I am just not comfortable spending that much quality time. I am polite and respectful toward her, but I just don't have the time or energy-I am a medical intern-to bond with this woman. I mean, I have my own friends and my mom and a hectic career. I don't have much room for anything else and I just feel that FMIL is draining me with her constant demands. I just need a lot of space and she isn't giving it.

[Heather]

Aww - you poor thing! It must be so hectic for you to plan the wedding and work like that at the same time. Though I love my MIL, and always have, it takes me a long time to warm up too. I think you can tell, that from experience, most of on here tend to cut a little slack toward our MILs. It really will benefit you in the end to give a little when it comes to her. I would do as Cirig suggested and simply tell her that she'll have to wait til' the big day, like everyone else. It really does sound like she's just trying to get to know you better. I think that saying you don't have time for the reasons you listed sounds very cold and unthoughtful. You should make a little time for her. Maybe you could ask her out to lunch on a day that isn't so crazy for you, and simply explain to her (probably again) that you're just so busy, and while you would love to have more time, it's just not going to happen until you get a break.
I guarantee that she'll #1 - Appreciate spending an hour with you at lunch, and #2 - Respect your wishes and your time constraints. You really should provide some sort of explanation instead of just cutting her off and/or ignorning her. It really will be worth it in the end. Promise!

[filmnoirfan]

I am on call-do you watch ER or Grey's Anatomy? That is my life. I can't plan ahead. I can go for 2 days without seeing FH, so I can't really make plans with FMIL like that.

[Heather]

Well, then I don't know what to tell you girl. It seems you may have come on here hoping for a little justification and unfortunately, marriage and your in-laws are both a compromise. Many of us on here are already married, me included, almost 2 years now, and you can't live your life ignoring your in-laws and not making some kind of effort once in a while. You can continue to ignore her, or not make time for her, and in the end, it could affect your relationship with your future husband.

You don't have to be a med-intern to have a crazy, hectic, busy life. Most of us on here do too. I'm a work-a-holic myself, but I make time for what's important. It's taken me a while to get there, but I do it now. If you can plan two days out, plan lunch. Or, just call her up spontaneously and ask her to join you for that day or the next day. She'll appreciate the effort even if she can't make it on such short notice.

I don't want to make assumptions, but it sounds like you have your mind made up, and were hoping we would simply agree with you. You can take what we've offered and try to apply it (we've ALL been there at one point) or you can simply do what you're doing, and risk harming your relationship permanently.

Good luck, and we're always here if you do need advice.

[filmnoirfan]

Heather you are right-I was talking to my coworker and it just boils down to FMIL just being the type of personality that clashes with mine. She is loud, very noisy and outgoing. She sucks all the energy out of the room. I am introverted, private and not an inclusive person. Plus, when we first met, she said, what makes you think you are good enough to marry my son? FH bawled her out and she apologized, but I told her point blank, it would take a lot for me to get past that remark. I do hold a grudge. that is the first thing she ever said to me. I get along really well, with FH's dad's side of the family-FFIL and FSIL, and I really like one of FH's sisters, but FMIL just gives me pause. I tend to avoid people like her in real life.

[whiddle]

Originally Posted by filmnoirfan

but FMIL just gives me pause. I tend to avoid people like her in real life.

Unfortunately, that will not be an option. I wish you the best of luck in figuring out the best way to do this. But I hope you take into consideration that things/behaviors/comments that are acceptable to your own family/other people may be unacceptable where the FMIL is concerned.

To get her off your back, I (again) would just show her the dress and maybe ask her to do something unimportant wedding related. This will make her involved. From then on, you can just smile and make small talk until you are ready to form more of a relationship.

[filmnoirfan]

I think I already said FMIL will be doing wedding stuff-the rehearsal dinner, helping FH get his tux, planning his side of the guest list and picking the song for the mother-son dance, but I am not showing her my dress. Anything regarding that is just for me and my mom-that is the only mother daughter wedding stuff we are doing for just us. FMIL should be able to understand that she can't be included on everything.

[Heather]

It would take me a while to get over that comment too. Sometimes its hard for us (meaning the girls on here) to get an idea of what's really going on if we don't know the whole story, so thanks for explaining a little more.

I do stick by my original advice though, with the exception of maybe giving yourself a little more time to get over it. I tend to avoid loud, obnoxious people as well, so I feel your pain. Everyone in my husband's family is SO loud (but not obnoxious)! I'm learning to get over it though, but I do kind of fade into the background when his entire family is together. My family is very mellow and down-to-earth.

Sometimes we just have to suck it up and take it day by day.

[Complicated Woman]

Originally Posted by filmnoirfan

Plus, when we first met, she said, what makes you think you are good enough to marry my son? FH bawled her out and she apologized, but I told her point blank, it would take a lot for me to get past that remark. I do hold a grudge. that is the first thing she ever said to me.

Reading this definitely helps me understand why you feel uncomfortable around her! But like whiddle pointed out, unfortunately, it's not going to be possible to avoid her forever.

Originally Posted by filmnoirfan

I tend to avoid people like her in real life.

This IS real life...and sadly, we don't get to choose our families. I certainly wouldn't have chosen my mom or Tom's dad if it could have been helped -- both are abusive and self serving, but hey, they're our folks. And while I refuse to put myself or Tom through emotional hell trying to deal with them, he and I both are figuring out how to pick our battles and balance self preservation with loving our parents in spite of their weaknesses.

Since FH is the person you're going to share life with, his family, whether they're your type of people or not, are part of the package. It really will hurt your relationship with him if you can't find a way to make his mom part of your life, too. I'm not saying the woman needs to become your best friend -- but she can't forever be the irritating stranger that you resent. Your marriage will suffer and if you decide to have children, they'll suffer as well.

Like her or not, your FMIL is here to stay...BUT, on the plus side, here on Pash, you'll always have a safe place to vent your frustrations with her as you struggle to make it work! I'm so sorry that she treated you poorly at first, I know I would have a terrible time getting past it, too. I really do think, though, that you'll have to do the hard work of moving on for the sake of your marriage. Good luck! We're rooting for you!

[cru5h]

Just wondering, about how long ago did she make this comment? Was her apology to you for it sincere?

[PlanetClaire]

I'm curious- have you discussed this with the FH? Do he and Mom have a good relationship? Is this something he could help you deal with? Is there any way you can find out if her daughters had their FMILs involved on wedding day?

I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me thinks, hell it's your wedding, do what YOU want. But then like the ladies have said it is one day out of a lifetime with this man and his family. And if she was ballsy enough to ask you that question at first meeting somehow I'm thinking she'd be vocal at telling everyone how you wouldn't let her see your dress etc...

Loud , obnoxious people tend to be insecure and are just screaming for attention- which of course backfires as people want to run screaming for the hills to get away from them!

[filmnoirfan]

She apologized profusely-says she has foot in mouth disease. FH was pissed. I am only close to one of her daughters. I just don't trust this woman, because I think she really meant it. I think it was a Freudian slip.

[555Ann555]

Um, to play devils advocate just a little....

I'd have to have a little respect for a woman who'd ask that comment of her FDIL! I think most mothers would wonder on some level whether you were good enough. At least she had the balls to be honest about her feelings. It's not uncommon to be asked at an interview why you think you're good enough for the job... so why shouldn't she try to find out what you think of yourself? All I see in that question is that she is interested in the woman who wants to be accepted into her family & isn't going to stand for any nonsense. I think it's great!

That said I can understand it might hurt to be on the receiving end of that question but she probably just thought you'd step up & answer it! I bet she would have answered if she was in your position!

Anyway, I'll bet just now that most of you won't agree with me but there's my worth!

I don't think it's a big deal that she wants involved, I'd be quite pleased. I understand wanting to keep the dress a surprise and obviously that's your choice, but I'd take it as a big hint that she wants you to let her in a bit more, picking out the tux & a song will not occupy her time for long so I guess she wants more of a role.