Unresponsive BM... - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Julz518 · #1 06-21-2007, 04:41 PM

I recently sent out gifts to all my BM's, asking them to be in the wedding.... I think I sent them about a week ago, so they all should have received them by now.

I have 2 MOH's and 3 BMs. My 2 MOH's and one of my BM's (FSIL) already knew they were in the wedding, so the gift was just a formality. Of the other two BM's, I've only heard back from one! She was really honored and excited

I'm somewhat worried that I haven't heard back from my other BM... I haven't talked to her since April-ish, but I know she's pretty busy... who knows, she may even be out of town. But what if she got the gift and doesn't think she (and her son, who I asked to be RB) can be in the wedding? Money is kind of tight for her right now...

So how do I approach her? If she doesn't want to do it, I don't want to embarrass her. Should I call her? email? Should I have my MOH (who knows her pretty well) call her?

sparklesweetie · #2 06-21-2007, 04:46 PM

I'd say give it a few more days. Then if you still haven't heard anything and you think that you asking her would put her on the spot too much, have your MOH ask her. Hopefully she'll just be honest if she doesn't think she can do it.

RJE080703 · #3 06-21-2007, 04:52 PM

Sorry to hear the troubles Julz. I've had some BM issues too, and normally I would say just be straight up and honest, but these kinds of situations require a little more finess. I agree with Sparkle, if you havent heard anything back by say Monday, have MOH talk with her and then go from there!

BJC777SRL · #4 06-21-2007, 05:00 PM

I agree with Renee and Rhiannon on this one

ladedah · #5 06-21-2007, 05:14 PM

ditto....

Sharon Naylor · #6 06-21-2007, 07:18 PM

I agree with everyone here....that's the best way to go...

Julz518 · #7 07-05-2007, 06:20 PM

I decided that I would call my BM myself, since my MOH has so much on her plate right now...

I called her LAST Monday (6/25) and left a message. She called my mom later in the week asking for my phone number, b/c her cell phone died and she lost it... I still hadn't heard from her by Monday (7/2), so I called her again. This time she was on the phone and asked me to call back later, which I wasn't able to do (but she didn't call me when she was done, either).

Now, ALL of my contact info was on the letter I sent to all my BMs, which makes me think she never got the package, since she had to call my mom for my number. My guess is the package is at the post office waiting to be picked up and she either lost the post office receipt or never got it. In the first message I left her I said "I wanted to know if you got the package I sent you"... so hypothetically she KNOWS I sent her a package and you would *think* she would be interested to know what it was and would therefore be trying to get ahold of me!

I'm a little frustrated with her. I mean, who takes 3 weeks to go pick up a package from the post office? I'm starting to wonder if I really want her in my wedding, or if it's going to be more trouble than it's worth. I don't want to have to hound her to get her to order her dress, etc! So now how do I proceed?

I know from experience that packages get returned if they are not picked up within a certain amount of time. Should I just stop trying to contact her and hope that happens, and pick another BM? Should I contact her and let her know what's going on (that I wanted her in my wedding, but it doesn't seem she has the time)?

I'm also a little hurt. I went to a lot of effort to be in this girl's wedding, which was Memorial Day of our Senior year of college (one week before my graduation) in our hometown (which is 12 hours from where I went to college). I travelled home for 2 dress fittings, her bridal shower, and her wedding, all at my expense. After she moved away, I visited her in her new home, but she NEVER came to visit me or even contacted me when she was in town. I've always chalked this up to her being busy - as a new wife, a new homeowner, a grad student and a new mom (oh, and I didn't meet her son until he was 3). Since she moved back, I've seen her a handful of times and our FH/DH get along REALLY well... I really believed our friendship was "back on track," but now I'm starting to question that

feb-bride · #8 07-05-2007, 06:48 PM

This is a tough situation. I understand where you're coming from in terms of not being sure you can trust her to be in this wedding without you having to constantly "hound" her for stuff like dress fittings. Have you thought of just telling her all of this?

ladedah · #9 07-05-2007, 06:53 PM

Well, it sounds like maybe you haven't talked to her in a few weeks yourself, so perhaps she has some things going on in her life right now that she hasn't been able to pick up the package/call you back....and I have to admit, I have had moments in my life where perhaps I have left a package at the post office for weeks on end...so the question remains whether or not you want to kick her out of the bridal party before she's officially a member of it, or whether she means enough to you to perhaps look past the un-organized person she appears to be.

I've learned my lesson (from experience) to not expect certain friends to reciprocate certain things....I've gotten my feelings hurt on more than one occasion because I've expected people to do things that I felt were important, or because I would have done it for them...when the fact is that people just view what is important differently...kwim???

I would still try to get in touch with her and explain the situation, ask her to join your bridal party (if you still want to), but express that you would understand if she doesn't have to time available to do so and that perhaps you could find something else for her to participate that isn't so time consuming...

Sorry this is so frustrating...

Julz518 · #10 07-05-2007, 07:06 PM

Yeah, I think the best approach is to talk to her... I really DO still want her to be in my wedding - she has known Rick & I both for YEARS and was SOOO excited when we got engaged! She usually isn't this disorganized, and I know she DOES have a lot going on right now... and who knows, the package may be lost in the mail.

I guess the whole thing is just frustrating. It's hard to keep in mind that I really DON'T know what's going on with her and realize that she probably doesn't KNOW what this is all about and how important it is to me! I think once I talk to her and let her know how I feel, she'll be understanding. Who knows, maybe she won't think she has time to be in my wedding, but at least she'll know I thought of her.

Thanks girls from keeping me grounded and preventing me from doing something rash!

Heather · #11 07-05-2007, 08:03 PM

I agree with what was said above. Sometimes people don't have the same sense of urgency or importance - even if we have bent over backwards for them in the past. I've been there more than once.

Good luck & let us know how it turns out!

Julz518 · #12 07-12-2007, 08:46 PM

Well, I FINALLY got ahold of my BM last night!

She DID get the package I sent her and said she & her son would be honored to be in our wedding. Apparently we lucked out b/c her BIL & his fiance were considering that date for their wedding, but we asked first.

I'm torn between being excited about her being able to be in the wedding, and being hurt that she didn't call or email me when she got the package. It's one thing to not call me back b/c you have no idea what "package" I'm talking about, it's another to KNOW exactly what I'm talking about, to KNOW it's one of the most important events in my life and I'm asking you to be a part of it, to KNOW I'm waiting on and trying to get ahold of your for an answer, and to not call me back and tell me YES!... or even to tell me thank you? Or if you can't call, how long does it take to dash out an email: "Thanks for the gift, we'd love to be in your wedding, we'll talk soon."

But I have to forgive her. She is a good friend, and and I enjoy spending time with her. She "gets" me and respects me, even though we are at very different places in our lives. Hopefully from here on out she'll be a little more reliable.

Cirig · #13 07-12-2007, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julz518

Hopefully from here on out she'll be a little more reliable.

Maybe she was just too busy

Sometimes I have so much going on, that I forget to do the little things (like returning phone calls & such) I always remember about them when I'm not in the position to do anything about it.

Well- she's there for you & that's all that counts now

Awesome!