Okay. albeit perhaps a late reply, I can relate to this discussion. I hope this gets to you, I know it is a late reply!
I am also marrying a Vietnamese man. (Specifically, he is Vietnamese-Laotian). We were discussing for a long time how to include traditional things in our wedding as well. There is more weight on this as well, as being a French-Canadian, there is not much more than adding the infamous "sock dance" to our dancing festivites. (Aside: an older sibling is meant to dance in brightly coloured socks before the dancing starts). Well, we've cut this out as we are not having a typical reception.
We had an engagement party. This is important in Vietnamese culture. We didn't make it as formal as Viet tradtion would be, with the procession of bearers of red baskets and such, just simple get together with family/friends, served Vietnamese buffet food. (Roasted pig, bbqued meats, papaya salad, French pastries-yes the French has left an impression on food) At almost every Viet celebration, they serve roasted pig. You can get this at a Chinese or Viet meat shop. I also wore Lavender Ao Dai- got made in Vietnam (Hue) months before. So, this is an option you can explore.
I would suggest adding the Tea ceremony if you can. This will make your inlaws very happy. The specifics of this will differ if he is from Chinese or Vietnamese descent and is typically held on the morning of the wedding. Also, red Ao Dai or Cheong Sam is often worn for this, man can wear suit or Ao Dai as well. My brother-in-law to be and his wife actually held their's 2 wks before wedding, and we are to have ours 1 wk before in Laos- we are travelling there before our wedding overseas in Thailand-but try and aim for the day of. Ask an elder for advice on the procession.
For the ceremony, not sure what your plans are for the reception, but Chinese banquet is only what I've heard and been to for Vietnamese weddings. If you contact one of these restaurants, ask what is the procession for this- ie. 10 course meal, bride and groom make toasts to every table, etc.. You can change during these various stages as well- typically out of western gown after 2nd course, for cake cutting, and for toast making. (Following our Tea ceremony, we are to have Laos reception).
What I have found, is that weddings are a huge celebration in Asian culture in general, let alone Viet culture. This is when people are at their most generous. Big emphasis on tradition, but tradtions and length of entire celebration varies if held in Vietnam or in Canada/US. ie. Shorter in the latter.
As far as recipes are concerned, I can relate to asking for recipes and this being a 'task'. I have given up on asking my MIL, and have asked other family members and looked at the internet for recipes by different Vietnamese authors- just to compare ingredients- then I make to my personal taste. I can share if you need any. Just let me know! Every recipe is influenced by regional style and families' own personal taste. Cookbooks have been ok but I have only found 'shortcut approaches'. Not too good if you want to impress your in-laws and they ask you how you've made the dish.
Anyways! I am sure you'll find the advice you'll need to make your wedding all that you want it to be. I hope this helps!
Vietnamese American Wedding
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