Articles: Planning Your Wedding Dance 1 & 2

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by our former moderator Jeff Allen on 8/19/02.

For the Quickstart Series of dance books see:"The First Step," at this site!

For the perfect wedding dance video & booklet, "The Complete Guide to Slow Dancing," http://www.quickstartbooks.com

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posted by former moderator Jeff Allen

I hope these comprehensive articles, that both appeared in my column in Dancing USA magazine about planning your wedding dance and other important issues & events pertaining to your reception will be of help & interest. Take your time & enjoy!

Jeff Allen

Advice for Planning Your Wedding Dance
By Jeff Allen
From Dancing USA Magazine – April / May 2001


Virtually everyone goes to a wedding at least once a year and for the dance business nothing makes that phone ring more than this certainty! If you are a dance instructor or studio, it behooves you to position yourself, as part of your marketing scheme, to be responsive to this trade. Monday morning the phone will ring, I promise, with at least one of two types of callers. The first will be the couple that is engaged to be married with their date set and the second will be someone who attended a wedding during the previous weekend and found themselves stuck to their seat unable to dance along with found memories of that “ONE COUPLE that danced all night!”

In this two part series, engaged couples will receive advice very similar to the many email and forum responses I give daily on the Internet. Therefore, these articles will provide an overview of how to successfully deal with the wedding trade while at the same time is a resource for those planning their wedding. PLEASE PASS THIS ARTICLE TO INTERESTED PARTIES!

What is the symbolic importance of the Bride & Groom’s first dance?

The “First Dance,” as husband and wife should be memorable and emotionally touching. Historically, the First Dance is symbolic of the consummation of the wedding vows. This Dance is the wedding couple’s first cooperative engagement and joint endeavor. The newlyweds are placed on the road of life together to fulfill their dreams and aspirations more importantly, to complete each other as a human being. When the Bride accepts her dance with the Groom, she accepts it for the rest of her life. The frame and posture of the Groom when he proposes the dance to the Bride, speak of the source of strength, love, companionship, and guidance he offers his Bride. It is no wonder that the tradition of the First Dance has continued through history as one of the most important facets of the Wedding Day. Preparation is needed to make these moments as meaningful and memorable as possible.

Many weddings do not have a good plan for the First Dance during the reception. (I will deal with what has become the most effective timeframe for the entire wedding dance scenario later on in the next article.) Consequently, a very beautiful time can come off as being haphazard, silly, ineffective, and too lengthy impeding fun and participation for the guests. This singular event becomes a missed opportunity that is regretted in the future particular with wedding day videos and still photography.

How can you avoid missing the highlight of the evening?

You MUST learn to dance. Take lessons, study a book or a video, but do not go out there unprepared. Many of you have donned the most expensive apparel that you have ever worn, decorated a reception hall with flowers, colors, and appointments to reflect the splendid atmosphere of your wedding and then proceed to be introduced to all present as the stars of the spectacle. Yes, the first dance is likening to a show! This is not a nightclub with distracting or dim lighting to afford lovers or “wannabes” moments of intimacy during a love ballad. I could be wrong but when we are talking lights, camera, and hopefully some action, it is show time! Not a professional show but a few minutes of simple concentrated rehearsed action that in it of itself demonstrates the affections of the newlyweds and the ability to cooperate with one another. This is not the time to just rock back and forth in a huddled mass like two monkeys seeking shelter from the rain! We have all been bored by this rocking style; I have seen guests’ even turn away from this monotony and begin chitchatting. No respect, oh not 5 minutes of this again. After about one minute of being center staged the Bride & Groom start to get that pained, “I can’t wait for this to be over look,” not having realized they are in front of 200 people in a well lit environment. A forced grin, “We should have done something and now it’s too late.” Plan to do this several months in advance of your special day. Take the opportunity to dance out in public at a club, cruise, or perhaps someone else's wedding reception as often as possible before your big day.

If you do not have a special song, how do you go about picking one that is perfect?

Let me begin by presenting my ideas about what a first dance song should be. The song or lyrics of a song that really occur or define the moment when a couple KNOWS they have fallen deeply in love. Think of your song as a musical and emotional photograph that fulfills the time, place, and circumstance of the realization of your love. When you hear this song you can think of nothing else but spending the rest of your life’s dreams, hopes, and wishes with that special person.

Now that we have set the mood criteria for a couple’s song ('Our Song'), we must decide if it is danceable. The “danceability,” of any given piece of music is one of the main reasons I have created the Wedding Song Library, (www.Quickstartbooks.com) Couples may check several of their choices with the tempo, and the dance type or characteristic of any posting to the Wedding Song Library. Then they learn what type of dance they must perform the day of their wedding. The “danceability,” of a slow rhythm ballad becomes more difficult as the rhythm or tempo (Bars Per Minute) of a song is reduced. In other words, the slower the song the harder it is for dancing. If your selection falls under the categories of a generic dance like Waltz, Foxtrot, Rumba then you must know it. Every song has a characteristic and a specific dance type that requires some learning and a lot of practice. I would like to tell you that learning to dance with some competence and natural appearance is easy, but it isn’t! What is easy is learning the steps or choreography what is difficult is learning to move together.

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When I am asked as a dance instructor and educator, what would be my preference for a dance tempo I direct a couple toward the Waltz or Foxtrot. These two narrow the selections down for the couple but more importantly; when people learn a named dance, they have learned a life skill as opposed to learning something just for a milestone date. They have afforded themselves the opportunity to dance with a broader spectrum of people over a wider range of time and circumstances. In keeping with this line of thought at your wedding, both the Brides & Grooms will dance with a parent or surrogate. This dance partner will be twenty or more years older than either the Bride or Groom. It is my observation they are more comfortable dancing a basic Waltz or Foxtrot with a standardized dance frame rather than in a romantic dance position.

Having said this my research in creating the Wedding Song Library is based upon a survey QQS Publications conducted a few years ago where engaged couples by the thousands (past & present) submitted their personal dance selections to a group of more than a hundred DJ’s that were chosen and asked to participate nationwide. From this we narrowed the list to 400 – 500 selections listened to each notating the tempo and most suitable dance type. This arduous task would never be done again! The survey also yielded the top 50 all time first dance selections as of 1997. The Wedding Song Library has been maintained from that point. The revelation was that almost 90% of the songs categorized were NOT of the generic type but what we would call Slow Rhythm or Romantic Ballads.

This revelation could be perceived as a potential dilemma to the dance profession for several reasons.
1. The elegance, communication skills, and art of ballroom dance is lost to the no need for lessons swaying back and forth like teenagers at a Jr. High prom.
2. There was no real curriculum for Slow Dancing so they were told to change songs. Couples react unhappily to this and decide against lessons – a need not met a loss to the dancing populace!
3. Engaged couples that selected a Romantic Ballad would go to a dance studio to learn “Waltzing,” for their 1st dance. They would be introduced to that studio’s curriculum for Waltz only to find later that it was not suitable for their music. Over the period of years the term “Waltzing,” has become an idiomatic expression to convey the idea of slow or smooth dancing and NOT the dance in ¾ time known as the Waltz, please be advised!
4. In the case of a Father / Daughter dance the dad would be made to feel awkward dancing at arms length to the music type generally reserved for a romantic nightclub style becoming more perplexed, uncomfortable, and more concerned than ever about this thing called ballroom dancing.

My personal solution to this was to write a book adaptation called, “The Complete Guide to Slow Dancing.” Using the curriculum I created for romantic ballads, it incorporates an elegant ballroom style with suitable figures and rhythm changes. Wayne Eng of Dance Vision and I co produced a 2 hour video adaptation of the booklet for studio and personal use. This video and booklet package has had broad range acceptance, excellent reviews, and seems to have filled the void created by the intimidation of slow dancing with someone who is a non-romantic interest or family member. Ballroom dancers and studio groups no longer have to sit one out perplexed by which rhythm to use for a top 40 hit.

If we want to get dancing lessons before the wedding, when should we start going?

My advice here is no less than six months in advance and make sure that you have the actual song with you in a CD format. I recommend that any couple that is embarking on such a serious relationship take dance lessons well in advance of becoming engaged or tying the knot. Why, besides the obvious, learning to dance successfully with another is very revealing. To be a successful dance couple requires; cooperation, commitment, patience, and forgiveness. These attributes must be found in yourself as well as your partner. I have been teaching dance couples for over 17 years and I have always been amazed at how revealing this process is about a student’s personality. So learning to dance together becomes a great life skill and a revelation!

I HATEEEEEEEEEEE DANCING! Is there any hope for me? I am getting married and my fiancée loves to dance.

Many people feel they hate dancing. Two categories exist: The first is they do not know how. The second is that they have had a bad experience while dancing or attempting to in their past.

The left side of their brain tells them they need to know how and their ego may be telling them their going to look like a fool. This is particularly true in men who are generally left-brain dominant.

In all scenarios, knowledge is the key! Knowledge always replaces fear and you will be with someone you love. LEARN to dance and keep it simple, if you are beginners restrict your wedding dance routine to half a dozen figures. The leader will have a slower learning curve, as this is the harder part. Pressure is generally relieved by simply knowing this and that the expectation of spending more time to accomplish the same choreographic level is to be expected and often desirable. It is incumbent upon the follower that they prepare well in the area of body flight otherwise known as the carriage of the torso so that they do not become a physical impediment to the leader while he is trying hard to learn. An inexperienced driver will always be safer and exhibit much better control in a Lincoln or a Cadillac than that of a jalopy – the suspension system is all-important!

All too often women have actually intimidated men with these statements, “I can follow anyone with a strong lead!” or “I already know how to dance he needs the lessons!” I personally feel that it is NOT a natural or innate experience to move well with someone attached to you and therefore everyone needs lessons to partner each other. A red flag always appears if a prospective student repeats some variation of these remarks. Unless someone has actually had training in the art of partner dancing what they have believed about themselves as a good partner may be subject to another evaluation, it is always best to assume nothing and begin as equals. May I also suggest a video or books to help you in the privacy of your home? They will help provide a good overview of just what the process of learning partner dancing is all about, faulty notions that may serve as intimidating thoughts will be eliminated, and if your industrious actual lesson time may be greatly reduced by pre-preparation which becomes a time and money savings.

How long should you dance?

Many of the most popular first dance songs are over 3 to 4 minutes long. Although three minutes does not seem to be a long time, when you are the only couple on the dance floor it can seem an eternity! The optimum time for a first dance should be 2-2:30 minutes long. Due to the length of some of the songs popular among wedding couples, this will require some coordination between the wedding couple as well as your D. J. Listen to your song and find the verses that are most meaningful for you. Either you or the D. J. should prepare an audiotape of the exact time duration that pleases you with the verses you have selected. I often make these tapes for my students who are about to get married. In this way, the newlyweds can dance to exactly their preference including segueing more than one song. In addition, by keeping the songs shorter and more meaningful, all attention will remain focused on the dance floor.

In the next article we will deal with the issues arising from the common occurrence of the non-nuclear family - who dances with whom and why. Also covered will be the very best reception timeline and the order of the entire wedding dance scenario.

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A Funny Thing Happened on the way to our daughter’s wedding: We Learned How to Dance!!
By Jeff Allen
From Dancing USA Magazine June / July 2001

As promised in this installment of Planning Your Wedding Dance II, I will discuss the major issues that arise from the remainder of the Wedding Dance Scenario. What is consistent from wedding to wedding is that there will be a bride and a groom to dance with each other, after that it often becomes running by the collective seats of everyone’s pants! Each week I receive dozens of queries in the form of email, from those involved with planning their own or a family member’s wedding. These range in topics from music for the Unity Candle Lighting to the Exit Dance by the bride & groom. Concerns are frequently addressed about the diplomacy required of who dances with whom, through to the tastefulness, or lack of it in my opinion, of the bride participating in a dollar dance. The non-nuclear family has created a myriad of possibilities that can lead to bad feelings if the wedding dance scenario is not handled carefully. In this article I will attempt to lend some rhyme and reason as to the whys and wherefores so you can have a great reception with smooth transition and wonderful memories!

The Father / Daughter Dance

Here are 3 common examples of actual questions representing the best cross-section regarding the Bride’s dance with who would ordinarily be her biological father.

Question 1) I have both a father and a stepfather and both are very dear to me. During the wedding ceremony, they are both walking me down the aisle, but during the reception, do I dance with both to separate songs or do I only dance with my biological father? I do not want to offend or hurt either of them.

Answer 1) Communication here is very important! The simple answer is whoever is escorting you down the aisle gets the honor dance with the bride. However in this case both are, it must be a very wide aisle (make sure 3 wide will work). Each man has his feelings about you and the dance itself, etc. Approach each dad to see who would like the dance, or does it matter to either of them who dances first, - that will make them both feel important. At the very least they will both know that you are thinking of them at this important time - and the help with your decision may come from them!

Question 2) I'm getting married and my parents have been divorced since I was 5 months old. Although I know my father there is no closeness between us. Therefore, I'm having my older brother give me away. What should I do about the father/daughter dance?

Answer 2) There are a few options in the situation described. You can:
1) Not have a father/daughter dance at all
2) Dance with your brother who gave you away
3) Start a dance with your father, and then finish the dance with your brother
4) The Bride and Groom will have already danced so conduct a 'wedding party dance' with everyone changing partners to dance with everyone else (snowball dance) - and avoid the 'specialty dances' altogether. In my opinion, if you do not want a father/daughter dance, there is no rule that says you must have one. The only thing I would suggest is that omitting just the father/daughter dance if you have the other dances (Groom & his mom, etc.) may make some attendees uncomfortable. Therefore, you may want to opt for one of the 'compromise' suggestions.

Question 3) I (the mother of the bride) will be escorting my daughter down the aisle and giving her away. Her father passed away and he was the ONLY other male that could have had a special dance with her. She is so very upset that it will appear that no one cares about her to the new family. The groom's dance with his mother will just make it more obvious. The two of us have come through so much together but dancing together (as some have suggested) just does not seem appropriate. I do not want it turned into something humorous (also what others have suggested). Walking her down the aisle and giving her away, in my opinion, is a mother's privilege.

Question 3) There are many touching queries like this and each requires an answer coupled with compassion. I do agree that although it happens, I have never felt comfortable recommending the Bride dances with another female family member. I will never tell them not to do it but I do not believe there will be broad based acceptance by those present at the reception. There may even be those who are not courteous or polite, particularly after a drink or two and apparently, your daughter does not need this type of attention. At this time, the Groom’s Dad can make a gesture of ‘welcome to the family.’ The dance will conducted at the same traditional time alone or collectively with the Groom and his Mom. This will certainly be both touching, bonding. This dance moment will be well received by the Groom's family and guests and should be a perfect way to fill what seems to be emptiness for this important moment. The knot will have been tied at the ceremony so she will in fact have a new Father-In-Law. It is an honor to dance with the bride at this time and the Groom's Dad will probably offer no resistance.

As noted these can be very sticky situations that occur during what most girls would describe as the ‘Most important day of my life,’ they must be taken seriously. The stress of these combinations and permutations of juggling the Father / Daughter dance can begin to spoil the event for the bride well before her day.

Brides-to-Be, once you have determined who will receive this honor dance please do not forget that they too are nervous about dancing with you in front of all those present. An emotional issue will arise for your Dad or chosen surrogate about this dance and more specifically about the choice of music. When this gentleman has danced to slow music in the past it has generally been with a prospective love interest or indeed his life’s love. Dancing slowly with a daughter with whom he loves but certainly not a love interest poses uncomfortable and awkward feelings. As I described in the previous issue (April/May 2001), “Huddled together like two monkeys in the rain,” styling or lack of it does not work with a man’s own daughter. Take a few lessons with them or perhaps share “The Complete Guide to Slow Dancing Video & Booklet,” so that you can develop a common movement in a more formal dance frame. The closer you get to the ballroom style dance position the more comfortable ‘dear old dad,’ will feel. Men DO dance when they know what they are doing!

A goodwill or value added policy for any studio would be to let the parents of the bride or grooms attend the private lessons of the wedding couple once the time is right. This type of semi-private lesson saves money and promotes better dancing at the wedding. “A funny thing happened on the way to our daughter’s wedding: We Learned How to Dance!!” Now you have increased your customer base.

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The Best Timelines for the Wedding Reception

The wedding is a time of celebration, however, a lot of planning, time and money has gone into those few short hours. I have no problem with a toast with a bit of champagne after the ceremony but please warn the wedding party against 'overindulging' before all the wedding rituals have taken place (Introductions, dances, & toasts)! There is plenty of time for imbibing after the meal when the socializing begins. It may even be a good idea to appoint a "designated driver" for the wedding party. Do not let all your hard work be ruined, or your guests made uncomfortable because of an error in judgment on anyone's part. This includes the Bride and or Groom!

Have the service people avoid the dance floor while bringing food to the table. If this is not possible because of size limitations it is a good idea to have the DJ play softer music during the bulk of the main courses service time. Spills and accidents happen with drinking, eating, or being served on the dance floor so please be careful so that the dancers will not slip and fall.
An announcement should be made about five (5) minutes before the entrance is made to clear the dance floor and passageway to it for the wedding couple. This will also give those guests with cameras and opportunity to get ready.

Under no circumstances should anyone, with the possible exception of the photographer, be allowed to cross the dance floor when the Wedding Couple's first dance is taking place or any of the relatives or wedding party dance takes place. This is very disrespectful and discourteous. In fact, no one should be moving at all after all, who wants to watch a video later on that has recorded the sites and sounds of plates clamoring and service personnel moving about?
Have the Photographer take candid photos during the 'important' dances. Posing the wedding couple, or father/daughter, etc., is an interruption to the emotional meaning of these moments. These posed photos can take place later.

First and most importantly conduct the Bride & Groom’s dance immediately after their announcement into the reception hall from the receiving line and before dinner! It is good etiquette for the King & Queen (Bride & Groom) to open the dance floor. Your DJ or orchestra can play dance music all night long rather than sleepy elevator music. Your guests will have a better time for a longer period. It is common for the older guests to leave earlier in the evening, unfortunately, without the opportunity to, 'cut a rug' when the wedding dance scenario is left for after dinner. The music and its tempo should become more youthful as the evening continues leaving the opportunity for all to have a great time dancing or simply watching those who can.

Bride & Groom's, Parent's, Mom & Dad's, Etc., it is not necessary to dance to the whole musical composition. Professional Ballroom & Latin dancers, like me, doing a show select or edit a composition of no longer than 2 - 2 1/2 minutes per dance. Two minutes for beginners out on the floor by themselves will seem like an eternity! Remember the longer you are out there the more can go awry and you can actually lose the moment. For instance, the Father/Daughter dance has featured and over used the song Butterfly Kisses that last almost 6 minutes. Only the last 2 minutes or so of the song deal with the wedding day, start there. I actually watched the Groom and other Wedding Party members pine away with loss of interest when the song began at its beginning. People are only human and even the best intentions lose interest. This may require some extra work on the part of the DJ but this should not be counted as exceptional or cost you more.

Toasting at the beginning of dinner during once the drinks have been served. Toasts are generally offered to the Bridal couple beginning with the best man. The Groom responds with a toast of thanks.

Others may be:

1. Fathers beginning with the father of the Bride.
2. Mothers beginning with the mother of the Bride.
3. The Groom to the Bride
4. The Bride to the Groom

Toasts numbered 1 - 4 may be best if done at the rehearsal dinner when there are a large number at the reception.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the receptions that I have attended including that of my own daughter Bethanie last year on May 13th when the Bride and Groom danced before dinner and the Father / Daughter dance occurred after the cake cutting. The Groom danced with his Mom immediately following the Father / Daughter dance. This seemed to me and all present to give each of these three dances their important moment. A general invitation was then given to all of the wedding party and immediate family to dance. There were several opportunities given to change partners and all had a great time without the added pressure on those who did not dance well. Additionally, this was quick so that the real party could begin!

A last reinforcement for the use of the above timeline, my second daughter Jessica (who appears with me on the video, “The Complete Guide to Slow Dancing.”) will be using it for her wedding this June 3rd. It is no wonder that I’m broke!

Until the next issue thanks for sending me all your kind words of support as well as all those letters to the editor.




For the perfect wedding dance
video & booklet, "The Complete
Guide to Slow Dancing,"
http://www.quickstartbooks.com
For the Quickstart Series
of dance books see:"The
First Step," at this site!

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posted by DiamondLil

Mr. Allen -

I just wanted to say Thank You for posting your articles! There's some GREAT information in there. I have a friend who got engaged recently and I directed her to this forum. Now her fiance is actually excited about learning to dance for their wedding!

Thank you again!

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posted by Jeff Allen

Hi Diamond Lil,

Love the name! I'm so glad the articles have been a source of inspiration to your friends.

Couples that dance other than the "Penguin Shuffle," for their 1st dance really create an exciting and enjoyable atmosphere to begin their reception!

Thanks for letting me know.

Jeff Allen



The Complete Guide to Slow Dancing,video,
or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Ballroom Dancing, including Emergency Wedding Routine
Quickstart to Tango,Swing,& Social Dancing all to make your big day
a dream please visit: http://www.quickstartbooks.com

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posted by DiamondLil

Hi again !
I have now realized that all conversations with my newly engaged friend will involve something about weddings!!! Our conversation today has prompted a question or two....
I attended a weddiing last year and the Bride & Groom did their first dance immediately after being announced into the room. (Parent dances were after dinner) The guests then danced anytime they felt like it and the DJ played some great music - not just "dinner music"! Everyone still tals about how much fun theyhad. My friend's Mom thinks all dancing must be after dinner-period. Is there a "rule"?

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posted by DiamondLil

Duh!!! Sorry...I forgot the second question!
My friend's fiance is Catholic. His Mom says "Here Comes the Bride" cannot be played in the Church(???) My friend has always wanted to hear the "dum,dum, dum-dum..." on her wedding day. Is this true?

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posted by Jeff Allen

Hello again Diamond Lil,

This is yet another good question with important ramifications:

I am very much in favor of the Bride & Groom dancing upon their entry to the room followed by the scenario I commented about in my articles above.

Although there is no rule the bride's mother is NOT taking several items into account. I will list a few:

1. Good social etiquette demands that the dance floor is closed to dancing until the guest of honor open it up with a dance and a proper invitation for others to follow - therefore until the bride & groom dance the dance floor remains a boring vacuum of empty space.

2. Music played during this period is therefore relegated to polite elevator music called "dinner music," no one enjoying the fun of either dinner & dancing or viewing the same. There always seems to be one couple out of the 200 - 300 guests that can dance. Some may have even taken dance lessons for the occasion.

Without realizing it the time has passed beyond the 10:30 PM point after the bride & groom et.al. have danced - the older people have begun to leave not having a chance to dance, the guests have become restless or bordering on cranky waiting for the party to begin. Now there's only about an hour left for the party.

I say get it on as soon as possible for a much happier occasion for all involved!!

Thanks again for the good question,

Jeff Allen


The Complete Guide to Slow Dancing,video,
or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Ballroom Dancing, including Emergency Wedding Routine
Quickstart to Tango,Swing,& Social Dancing all to make your big day
a dream please visit: http://www.quickstartbooks.com

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posted by Jeff Allen

Duh!!! Sorry...I forgot the second question!
My friend's fiance is Catholic. His Mom says "Here Comes the Bride" cannot be played in the Church(???) My friend has always wanted to hear the "dum,dum, dum-dum..." on her wedding day. Is this true?

No problem Lil - ask away!

This is a serious question you may want to repost it as a seperate topic but here's your answer:

This classical composition is fully titled -"The Wedding March from Lohengrin" - traditionally called "Here Comes the Bride" by Wagner. The piece is considered a secular song with a theme that is in very bad taste. Its theme in the story line of the opera is the wedding march of Lucifer (The devil)!

Additionally any of Wagner's compositions are forbidden in synagogues (The Jewish faith) because he was an admitted anti-Semite. He exposed his hatred for Jews in both his oratory and writings! In other words Wagner was a bigot and bad man and his works are undeserving of being aired in any House of God!

Jeff Allen


The Complete Guide to Slow Dancing,video,
or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Ballroom Dancing, including Emergency Wedding Routine
Quickstart to Tango,Swing,& Social Dancing all to make your big day
a dream please visit: http://www.quickstartbooks.com