rehearsal dinner -- when's too early? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Mrs.Levitt · #1 12-20-2005, 03:27 PM

I am thinking far ahead I know (weddings in august) but I'm just thinking about the rehearsal & dinner and wondering when u usually have it. Most the time I hear its the night before but I was thinking would it be to far in advance to have it the friday the weekend before the wedding? Here's my reasoning....we are getting married on a friday (11th)and one of my bridesmaids is coming from wisconsin(she's driving) and one from arizona. (AZ is coming the weekend before and staying for the week so she's involved in the parties.) Anyways I was thinking instead of rushing a rehearsal and dinner on thursday, I was thinking we could do it like the friday before, have the rehearsal and then dinner at FIL's home. We were thinking laid back BBQ and swimming (they have a nice underground pool, good pool parties over there) Our wedding party is a very laid back, just chillin kinda group like us. Does that sound cheesy? What are yall doing for your dinners?

feb-bride · #2 12-20-2005, 03:31 PM

We had ours two days before the wedding because that's when we had the actual rehearsal (wedding was on a Saturday; rehearsal and dinner was on a Thursday). We would have done it the night before, but the chapel was not available for Friday evening rehearsals.

In hindsight, I'm glad we did it two nights before. I was so busy the night before, and my husband's bachelor party was the night before the wedding. I don't know how we would have pulled off a night-before rehearsal dinner.

If you have your rehearsal dinner an entire week before the wedding, will everyone be able to make it?

Jennifer · #3 12-20-2005, 04:01 PM

My rehearsal is the week before my wedding. My wedding is on a Friday and I didn't want people out late on a work night. So far everyone is glad it is the week before so my wedding and rehearsal isn't taking up their Friday and Saturday.

Mrs.Levitt · #4 12-20-2005, 05:30 PM

Yes if I have it the weekend before everyone will be able to attend. WI bridesmaid will be able to drive in (3hrs) and just stay the night and not worry about getting back for work nextday.

ljeagle · #5 12-20-2005, 06:52 PM

We are having the Rehearsal the night b-4 the wedding. We are having a party for the wedding party at my mothers the Sunday b-4 just so we don't take up to much time on Friday night.

Marge129 · #6 12-20-2005, 07:20 PM

I think having the rehearsal anytime within a week of the wedding should be fine. Anything more than that, people may forget what they're supposed to do.

Your plan sounds good.

deputysgurl · #7 12-20-2005, 11:40 PM

My sisters rehearsal was 2 weeks before hand and i hated it. But i think doing it one week before would be fine. Mine will be the night before, because of ringbearer. He is coming from wisconsin.

whiddle · #8 12-21-2005, 03:29 AM

Mine was the night before the ceremony. I think that a week before is fine though. I think two weeks before is too long though.

fallbride · #9 12-21-2005, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

I think having the rehearsal anytime within a week of the wedding should be fine. Anything more than that, people may forget what they're supposed to do.

I think that is very tru... My FH's brother had his a month before and the day of the wedding...they all were lost!

ETA: I fixed your quote.

555Ann555 · #10 12-21-2005, 03:18 PM

Week before sounds great to me, gives you the chance to appreciate having them all around you without being stessed about all the things that need doing the next day!

wedbyjean · #11 12-21-2005, 03:33 PM

There is no rule that says the rehearsal (and rehearsal dinner) HAVE to be the day before the wedding. As long as the timing works for those who need to be present, as well as the location, it should be fine.

I agree with the other posters - any more than a week prior is a bit much. Even though the rehearsal is mainly how to enter (getting from point A to point B), stand and the officiant will talk you through the ceremony, then exiting (getting from point B back to point A), in their desire to do a good job, many bridal party attendants can get antsy if they don't know what they're supposed to do. (They can make it harder on themselves than necessary).

Jennifer · #12 12-21-2005, 04:12 PM

The next question...who should you invite to the rehearsal?

BM and GM of course...do ushers need to attend? What about sound and lighting people?

We have a list of like 40+ people (attendants and dates included) and it seems like a bit of overkill. We don't have family coming from out of town so we don't need to worry about that.

Mrs.Levitt · #13 12-22-2005, 02:23 AM

thats a good question. whose invited? I hear wedding party and dates of course. parents and grandparents, officiant, but not usually hired help unless they are close friends. Am i missing anyone

wedbyjean · #14 12-22-2005, 02:52 AM

The people who should be at the rehearsal are everyone who is directly involved in the ceremony (bride, groom, bridal party, ushers, parents, officiant, readers). It's helpful, but not mandatory for the musicians and vocalists to attend, (some charge extra for this).

The people who should be invited to the rehearsal dinner are the above and their significant others (spouse, fiance, someone they're seriously dating). (Except for the musicians/vocalists -- they don't have to be invited to the dinner, unless they're good friends). Some couples choose to invite any out of town guests who have arrived already, but this also is not required.

Jennifer · #15 12-23-2005, 05:41 PM

Anotehr questions...do you HAVE to send out inviattions to the rehearsal or can you just verbal invite everyone?

Lizbet · #16 12-23-2005, 05:47 PM

It's totally up to you.

I did not send invites for the rehearsal.

My MIL did send invites for the rehearsal dinner. If you choose not to send invites, be sure the participants know who is invited to the dinner. Will it be just the bridal party, or will it be their spouses also, and what about their kids? MIL sent the invites for ours so that people would realize the BP and spouses were invited, but not the kids.

Jennifer · #17 12-23-2005, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizbet

It's totally up to you.

I did not send invites for the rehearsal.

My MIL did send invites for the rehearsal dinner. If you choose not to send invites, be sure the participants know who is invited to the dinner. Will it be just the bridal party, or will it be their spouses also, and what about their kids? MIL sent the invites for ours so that people would realize the BP and spouses were invited, but not the kids.

I wish I had the luxury of saying NO KIDS. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely LOVE the kids I m about to refer to...but their mom thinks it is OK to take them every where b/c she doesn't want to ask her husband to take off work. She is even bringing them to the BM luncheon the morning of and then back to the church to set up and do hair and make up. Talk about stressing a bride out! The kids will be 18 months and 5 months at the time of the wedding.

feb-bride · #18 12-23-2005, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer

I wish I had the luxury of saying NO KIDS. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely LOVE the kids I m about to refer to...but their mom thinks it is OK to take them every where b/c she doesn't want to ask her husband to take off work. She is even bringing them to the BM luncheon the morning of and then back to the church to set up and do hair and make up. Talk about stressing a bride out! The kids will be 18 months and 5 months at the time of the wedding.

I love my kids, Jennifer, but that's ridiculous. Has anyone actually TOLD HER that bringing children is not always appropriate?

feb-bride · #19 12-23-2005, 06:25 PM

Back to your question on invitations:

You don't have to send out written invitations, but I did. One of my cousins didn't send them out and everyone was confused about what was happening after the rehearsal.

wedbyjean · #20 12-23-2005, 06:29 PM

Invitations are not necessary for the rehearsal.

Invitations for the rehearsal dinner depend on the number of people you want/expect to be there, and the formality of the RD itself. (1 rule of thumb, the RD should NOT be fancier than or out-do the reception). If it's at a restaurant, the hosts of the RD will most likely need a head count. If it's more informal (a BBQ at home, or ordering in pizza), than it's not so critical.

Generally, kids are not invited to nor expected to attend the RD, (and this includes flower girls and ring bearers). The reason? They're kids! They get tired quicker (and more cranky), and you want them to be well rested for the next day.

Quote:

I wish I had the luxury of saying NO KIDS

It's a shame when some folks just don't get it that their kids do not have to go everywhere they do. They have a remedy for this. They're called "Babysitters!"

Have you tried talking to her? Perhaps tell her that you're looking forward to the BM luncheon so you can have some time with "just the girls?"

Jennifer · #21 12-23-2005, 06:34 PM

Ok...so MIL needs to send out RD invitations...or do I do that?

I have made comments like "he (hubby) can't watch them for one day. What about his aunt that always watches your little girl?" So I have made it obvious that it would be best to have a sitter! However, her main reason for the infant...she breast feeds and he needs to be with her.

She is my closest friend and really part of the family...so my mom is going to talk to her about it. LOL..go mom...do my dirty work!

CupieJen · #22 12-23-2005, 07:11 PM

we didn't send out invitations. We did send out an email though. (i know, i know, probably way against ALL etiquette), but it was a small wedding (only 2on either side) so not that many people were involved. It was all very low-key. My sister sent out invitations to hers though, but it was MUCH bigger and way more formal.

feb-bride · #23 12-23-2005, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wedbyjean

Generally, kids are not invited to nor expected to attend the RD, (and this includes flower girls and ring bearers). The reason? They're kids! They get tired quicker (and more cranky), and you want them to be well rested for the next day.

I understand the rationale on that one, but I think it's incredibly rude to expect the parents of the FG/RB to bring them to the rehearsal, but then not invite them to the RD. If you don't want to invite your FG and RB to the RD, then don't expect them to come to the rehearsal.

Marge129 · #24 12-23-2005, 08:02 PM

I had my FG, RB, and junior attendants at the RD. I just made it early enough that they could get home and get a good night's sleep.

If your MIL is hosting the RD, she should send out the invites.

roseprincess · #25 12-23-2005, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer

I have made comments like "he (hubby) can't watch them for one day. What about his aunt that always watches your little girl?" So I have made it obvious that it would be best to have a sitter! However, her main reason for the infant...she breast feeds and he needs to be with her.

She is my closest friend and really part of the family...so my mom is going to talk to her about it. LOL..go mom...do my dirty work!

um... ok, here I go again

is your friend also BFing the 18mo child, or just the infant? Since your friend's DH is *supposed* to be a guest at the RD also, I wouldn't suggest he stay home with the kids, that'd sound like a counter-invitation ("we'd love for you to attend the RD but would prefer you stay home with the kids so we can party with your wife, mmmkay? Thanks!"). About the BFing infant: some babies WILL NOT take a bottle. Please don't ever assume that all a BFing mother has to do is express the milk and leave a bottle for the baby so she can go out and do things independently. Some babies are more high-needs, etc. There is enough to be said on this subject for several other threads and I don't want to hijack this one. However, since you consider this woman to be your closest friend and a part of your family, IMHO *you* should talk to her, not your mom. If I were your friend, I would appreciate discussing this with you, and would feel hurt if it was your mom who approached me on the subject instead. Your friend may already be on the receiving end of pressure or criticism about her parenting choices from her mother, MIL, and other older female role models, don't add your mom to the mix.

I also agree w/ PPs that the rehearsal & RD shouldn't be more that a week before the wedding, for all the reasons already stated, and I wholeheartedly agree w/ Feb that if the FG & RB are present at the rehearsal, they should be invited -- along with their parents -- to the RD.