It's wonderful of you to consider the 'peace factor' for the bride. Even though the mother and step-mother don't get along, it's up to THEM to behave well for the sake of the bride's happiness.
The #1 mistake that shower hosts make is that they try to pre-empt any conflicts by saying something to the mother and step-mother, and that just adds fuel to the fire. They feel judged, they get an attitude, and then it blows up into a big drama where one says she's not coming, etc. So avoid making any well-intentioned moves to get these women to have class and be considerate. It seems like it would be a great idea, but it often backfires.
Instead, just invite them as you would any other guest, and prepare the shower with plenty of room for them to keep their distance. For instance, don't have assigned seating or main tables at the shower, so that these moms can choose their own seats across the room from each other.
Now, if one of them calls you and asks if the other will be there, this is your opportunity to plant the seed of kindness. "Of course I invited her...she's the bride's mother. All that matters is that the bride is happy with her shower, so that's what we're all getting together for." Yes, it's a little bit of a lecture, but when someone calls up with a petty question, ready for a game or a fight, they deserve a little nudge back to proper perspective.
Don't entertain any requests about seating each of them far apart...if requests are made, just say, "You'll both have to figure out how to make yourselves comfortable at the shower. It's only a few hours."
If both of them want to make a toast, etiquette says that the host of the party makes the first toast, and then if others want to, the *mother* should propose a toast to the bride before the step-mother. It's a chronological thing, if anyone asks.
I really hope for the sake of the bride that these women can get along and behave well. And if either of them act up, just know that it's no reflection on you. Handle any in-the-moment conflicts with a parental attitude: separate them as best you can. Just use your best judgment at the party, and surely other guests will step in to run interference if either woman misbehaves.
Have a wonderful time planning the party!
Sharon
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