This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by distressed_bride on 4/03/03. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.
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posted by distressed_bride
I have always dreamed of a beach wedding and am trying to plan one. The only problem is that essentially, the guests have to pay to attend your wedding. Most of the guests on my side have to travel anyway so it's not an issue, but my fiances guests are all local and I have a feeling that there will be more than a few raised eyebrows when they find out we want to get married in Mexica because of the cost (which is very reasonable for a 3 night stay in at all inclusive resort). The thought of a traditional wedding makes me cringe, so I don't know what to do. What is the etiquette on this?
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posted by Holly
Hello!
I've never attended a destination wedding, nor have I personally known anyone who has had one, but here goes...
I think that guests should pay for their own travel, lodging and some food expenses. The bride and groom should try to find a reasonably priced hotel or resort and pass the information on to the guests. Apparently, if you reserve a block of rooms at some hotels, they will give you a bit of a discount.
I think it is definitely a nice gesture to pay for some of the guests' meals (ie their first meal there, a meal for the reception, etc.).
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posted by feb-bride
My best friend had a destination wedding. The guests were all responsible to pay for their airfare/rental cars, lodging, and meals (except for the meal provided at the wedding reception). The bride did research hotel costs and gave us a list of reasonably-priced accommodations.
According to traditional wedding etiquette, the bride and groom (or whomever is paying for the wedding) is supposed to pay for the lodging costs incurred by wedding party members; however, my best friend did NOT pay for our lodging (I was a bridesmaid). Until I got engaged and started planning my wedding, I didn't even know that the bride should have paid for my lodging.
If you cannot afford to pay for your wedding party's lodging expenses, you can either opt not to have attendants OR be honest with them and let them know that you cannot pay for their lodging. Be prepared for some people to not be able to attend because of expenses.
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posted by SunCB
Feb-Bride- With what you said you raise a question to me about my best friend wedding. My lodging is the cruise ship for 7 days. Should the B & G have to pay for the wedding parties cruise than? The B & G have not offered to pay.
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posted by anon
Regardless of what etiquette dictates, I don't think the bride and groom should be expected to pay for the wedding party's lodging at a destination wedding. That would be a ridiculous amount of money. If this wedding is at an all-inclusive resort, then all of the meals are included in the cost, so that's not an issue. I went to a wedding in Jamaica a few years ago -- 80 people made the trip, which is just amazing to me. It's a great excuse to take a vacation that you might not take otherwise, and the cost for three nights shouldn't be too exorbitant. I think you should have the wedding you want to have. True, some people won't come because they won't want to pay, but there will be a lot of people who won't no matter where you get married.
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posted by feb-bride
When I mentioned lodging, I was referring to one or two nights' worth of lodging at a hotel. I don't think the bride and groom should have to pay someone's cruise fare; that seems a bit excessive to me.
If I was the bride and wanted to have a wedding on a cruise ship, the least I would do is offer to pay for the wedding party attire.
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posted by anon
Another option, along that same line, would be to find inexpensive attire. The same friend who got married in Jamaica was in another wedding where they got the dresses for $12 or something.
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posted by SunCB
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If I was the bride and wanted to have a wedding on a cruise ship, the least I would do is offer to pay for the wedding party attire.
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Well, I paid for my dress. It was almost $200. Do you think I should I say something to the Bride and Groom?
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posted by anon
I don't think so, because they probably assume that you knew what you were getting into when you accepted their invitation to stand up in their wedding. And although standing up in someone's wedding is a big expense, when you're the bride and groom you tend to look on it as a smaller one because of all of the expenses that come with wedding planning. I do realize that you're paying for more than the typical BM expenses because of the type of wedding it is, but if you have these strong concerns it would have been better to have brought them up before the plans were made. On the other hand, if you feel really strongly about it and think it would be productive to discuss it with them, maybe it would be helpful.
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posted by feb-bride
I agree with anon. If you had concerns about the amount of $$ you were expected to spend, you should have spoken up when you were initially asked to be in this wedding.
Also, think about it like this. If you bring it up now, will it damage your friendship with the bride? Would you be okay with that?
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posted by SunCB
Quote:
Anon~I don't think so, because they probably assume that you knew what you were getting into when you accepted their invitation to stand up in their wedding. And although standing up in someone's wedding is a big expense, when you're the bride and groom you tend to look on it as a smaller one because of all of the expenses that come with wedding planning. I do realize that you're paying for more than the typical BM expenses because of the type of wedding it is, but if you have these strong concerns it would have been better to have brought them up before the plans were made. On the other hand, if you feel really strongly about it and think it would be productive to discuss it with them, maybe it would be helpful.
Feb-Bride~Also, think about it like this. If you bring it up now, will it damage your friendship with the bride? Would you be okay with that?
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I accepted my role 2 years ago when the wedding was to take place back in the state I grow up in. I researched for receptions halls for her since does not have the patience I do to deal with people.
The Bride and Groom only informed me about the cruise in February of this year.
I have done a lot for this couple throughout their many years. The Bride and I (and Groom and I)have definitely had our differences. I really do not feel if I were able to bring it up it would make much difference.
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posted by feb-bride
Based on what you said in your last post, ask yourself this: Why am I spending so much money to be in a wedding when the bride/groom and I have had so many differences? Just from the tone of your posts, it sounds to me that you resent spending so much money to be in their wedding. If you were not in the wedding party, would you still be willing to pay for a cruise to attend this wedding?
Since you were asked to be in this wedding 2 years ago, and it was supposed to be taking place in the state where you live, I don't see any reason why you can't just tell the bride that you cannot afford the significant change she's made to her wedding location. If she doesn't offer to help with the cost, you can always gracefully bow out of being in the wedding party and sell the bridesmaid dress at a consignment shop.
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posted by SunCB
I am spending so much money on this wedding because it is my best friend who is like the sister I never had. Everyone has their differences and we got over ours. I do not resent the Bride or Groom.
Yes, I would still be going on the cruise if I was not MOH.
To clear something up....I do not live in the same state the Bride does. She lives in the state I grow up in.
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posted by feb-bride
You certainly don't have to justify anything to me. From the sound of your posts, though, it seemed that you were feeling a bit upset over the amount of $$ you had to spend, especially since you were wondering if you should ask the bride to pay for some of your expenses.
Destination Wedding Etiquette
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