my name: to change or not to change

[LadyFaile]

i have a long-ish french last name. he has a long-ish french last name. my first name and his last name don't sound good together in my opinion. the only way it sounds good to me is if i hyphenate but it'll be long to write and hard to say for most people.

my thing about this is that i think the bride taking the groom's last name is a sexist out-dated tradition (no offense to anyone, just my opinion). i don't really care for it.
on the other hand, i don't believe either that keeping my last name will in any way continue some kind of family legacy etc. i don't think names are that important in the grand scheme of things.

so i don't really care if i change it really, as long as i will like the sound of it, and i don't. i won't be upset about not changing it, because i think it's kind of silly to do so to begin with, but his family is pretty traditional and i'm afraid of offending them.

in the end, they'll get over it and i'm the one that has to live with it.

but... if we have kids it will confuse things. do we give the kids all his last name, or mine, or half and half, or hyphenate them? will people constantly hassle them about having a different last name as one of their parents or their sibling?

i'm kinda torn, i don't feel strongly enough in one direction or another to be able to make a final decision on this. i'm running out of time!!!

[tnbride]

The only reason i say take his bc that is what i am doing. I don't really think taking the guys last name is out of date. I like it. I want to take my husbands last name and also i just want our to be the same, we are a family.

[AshyBekka]

I didn't vote, because ultimately that's you and your FH's decision. I took Cliff's last name and didn't think twice about it. It was something I always wanted/expected to do. On the other hand, my best friend decided to hyphenate. That was important to her. I'm not a hard core traditional, and she's not a hard core feminist. So I think it's a decision you guys should talk about-if you aren't committed one way or the other (and I'm guessing no based on your post), what does he think? Good luck!

[Julz518]

I voted to keep your last name - b/c that seems to be YOUR preference.

I also think this is what I am going to end up doing, mainly for professional reasons (I want to keep my name at work - and I don't think I can legally certify things under my maiden name if I change it). BUT, our kids will have HIS last name, and I will be known as "Mrs. F" socially (to our friends, family, kids teachers, etc.) Only those I work with will know the "legal" status of my name unless they ask.

A co-worker of mine did something similar and hyphenated - but her daughter has her husband's last name as well. (but she also has two very short last names). I considered hyphenating and just using the two names interchangeably, but not together... but like you said, it's too long if I'd ever have to write it out :-P

No offense, but I honestly think your reason is a little petty (esp. for someone who says "names don't matter"). Sometimes you just have to get used to how your name sounds, it doesn't really sound bad. So think on it, and talk to your FH about it before you completely make up your mind.

[NovemberGal]

I haven't voted either, but I agree that it sounds like you really like your name, how it sounds, and want to keep it. I wouldn't worry about his family. But I WOULD ask him. It may be really important to him that you take his name, and if you don't really care, then you should consider doing it if it makes him very happy. I never considered keeping my own name, but I did waffle about hyphenating, whether to drop my middle for my maiden, etc. My middle name if for my grandmother who died last year, and I was reluctant to lose it, and I love my uncommon maiden name. But in the end I took my husband's name and made my maiden my middle. But I use all three names for formal things (its on checks and credit cards, and I use it as my byline at work).

Anyway, a long way of saying that you should do what feels right for you, but if you really don't care much (beyond the sound of the name) you should definitely take your husband's preferences into account.

Don't worry too much about the kids having different names. It is such a common thing now that people in schools and social situations can deal with it pretty easily. You may get called by the wrong name if someone doesn't know; just correct them politely.

[Yelycrazygirl]

I think this is something you have to discuss with your FH because is a very personal decision. In my case I’m not changing my last name but my reasons are about culture, puertorricans don’t change last names, so I didn’t grow up with that. Plus I will feel that if I change it I will be stopping being who I am plus I don’t think my parents will be very happy about that, one more time culture…. My FH is completely ok with it because he understands the situation, plus he knows that because I won’t carry his name is not going to make me less married, etc… Also I don’t have a problem if somebody call me Mrs. FHlast name, but legally I can’t do that it just doesn’t feel right. Our kids, are going to have his last name and mine hyphenated….

So talk about it with your FH and work from there and of course that it matters to you because if that wouldn’t be the case you wouldn’t be doing this thread… Good luck with your decision…..

[Marge129]

I voted to keep your last name. Your post really seemed to imply that's what you want to do.

Personally, I changed my last name both times I got married, whether it sounded OK or not.

[sparklesweetie]

I tried to talk DH into changing his name, for lots of reasons.....but that didn't work, lol. I did change mine, but we did discuss it and when I mentioned not changing mine he said that he would be ok with it eventually but he really wanted me to take his name...so that's what I did.

Not all names are going to flow, and that's just something you'll have to deal with should you change your name.

[whiddle]

I changed mine. At first, I thought it sounded odd but now that I've gotten used to it, I don't think so.

[Complicated Woman]

I didn't vote, because I don't think I can decide what you should do!

I changed mine, although I don't *love* the sound of it. It was important to me to share my husband's last name. I feel like it is a tangible expression of the intangible shift we made from couple to family.

[imstilldreaming]

I don't know if thinking a tradition is out of date and sexist is petty. It's a serious consideration. I'm going to go ahead and change mine because I'd like to have the same last name to signify that we are now a family and FH would have a LOT of social pressure if he changed his last name to mine. However, that doesn't mean that I still don't think it's sexist. I just don't like the alternatives. In a perfect world, men wouldn't have that social pressure.

[LadyFaile]

Originally Posted by imstilldreaming

I don't know if thinking a tradition is out of date and sexist is petty. It's a serious consideration.

thanks for that
i'm not a hardcore feminist by any means but i really feel this tradition goes along with the giving away of the bride to the groom. in both cases i feel like society/the church are basically telling us that we give up our identities to become what our husbands want us to be. i'm not down with that. we've been together for 10 years, marriage will not change us as individuals, neither of us intend to "change" the other, we're happy with who we both are and how we compliment each other. so i'm pretty insulted by the notion that i should give up who i am to become "his". you know? it seems like ownership to me. i know it's not how most people see it, but it is how they used to see it back in the day, and that's why i consider it an outdated tradition.

that being said, i don't actually care for my name very much. i've never really liked my first name or my last name, i don't hate them but i don't like them. but i do think they sound better together than my first and his last.

as for his opinion on it, when i've mentioned it to him in the past he's always said it doesn't matter and it's my name so it's my decision. we both feel that a ring, piece of paper, or change of name are not a big deal to us. we know where we stand and how we feel, we don't need proof. honestly we are both looking forward to our trip more than our actual ceremony, and more to the reception just because it'll be a big rowdy party with friends and family we don't see often. the whole marriage thing is pretty much implied at this point, ya know?

i think it's the hippy in me.


i do however think having the same last name would be nice. if he'd go for it i'd say let's both hyphenate, but again... looooong name lol and his family would have a bird.

[imstilldreaming]

Originally Posted by LadyFaile

i think it's the hippy in me.

Me too

[feb-bride]

I kept my last name when I married my husband. I had several reasons:

• My son from a previous relationship has my maiden name
• Everyone at work knows me by my maiden name
• I was too lazy to fill out 30 different forms to change my last name (at work alone, I would have to change my name in five different places)
• I don't think keeping your maiden name makes you any less married than if you take your husband's last name
• I like my last name because it's not something you hear everyday
• I don't agree with the thought that a woman must change her last name to make a family with her husband; your name has nothing to do with the strength of your family unit

I have two kids with my husband and I gave both of the kids his last name. There is no confusion as to who their mother is; everyone knows that I'm their mom. Some people call me by my husband's last name or send me mail addressed to Denise "his-last-name" and it doesn't bother me.

[Heather]

Originally Posted by imstilldreaming

Me too

Me three!

Feb, I agree with everything you've said.

[Yelycrazygirl]

Originally Posted by Heather

Feb, I agree with everything you've said.

Me too....

[SerendipityCrafts]

In Quebec, where I live, no one can take their husband's last name. It's the law ....don't ask LOL

If I move to another province, I can start to use his name legally but until such time, in Quebec - I can only use his name socially.

I had children with my first husband. They were born in Quebec. We could have hypenated their last name but we chose to give them his last name. My daugher's middle name is my first name and my son's middle name is my maiden name. I remarried this past August.

Has it made a difference? Nahhhhhhhhhh .... I was Mrs. H to their friends and my children were always well aware that Mom had another last name (maiden name) as well.

It really ticks me off that I do not have a choice as to whether to take my husband's name or not. I use my maiden name legally and at work, some of my children's friends slip and call me Mrs. H and I also have a new married name to use socially LOL

[LadyFaile]

wow i never knew that you couldn't take your husband's name in quebec. maybe i'll just move there

[justnmary]

Originally Posted by SerendipityCrafts

In Quebec, where I live, no one can take their husband's last name. It's the law ....don't ask LOL

If I move to another province, I can start to use his name legally but until such time, in Quebec - I can only use his name socially.

I had children with my first husband. They were born in Quebec. We could have hypenated their last name but we chose to give them his last name. My daugher's middle name is my first name and my son's middle name is my maiden name. I remarried this past August.

Has it made a difference? Nahhhhhhhhhh .... I was Mrs. H to their friends and my children were always well aware that Mom had another last name (maiden name) as well.

It really ticks me off that I do not have a choice as to whether to take my husband's name or not. I use my maiden name legally and at work, some of my children's friends slip and call me Mrs. H and I also have a new married name to use socially LOL

You said not to ask, but I'm asking anyway....What's up with that?

[LadyFaile]

i think quebec has a lot of strange laws.

[Yelycrazygirl]

You know LadyFaile from most of your comments I will vote for you not to change your last name.... it really seems like you don't want to do it... so don't do it....

[LadyFaile]

you're probably right.
like i said, i don't really care so much about the name itself. if my family pressured me to or he wanted me to, i would and i wouldn't really care about the change itself. but when left completely up to me, i just can't get over the sexism factor.

[SerendipityCrafts]

Originally Posted by justnmary

You said not to ask, but I'm asking anyway....What's up with that?

LOL I knew I would end up googling it .... I should have just included the info when I first posted.

BTW - I think Quebec has some strange laws too

Key points

Women keep their birth name after marriage and continue to exercise their civil rights under that name, i.e. they must use their birth name in contracts, on credit cards, on their driver's licence, etc. They are free however to assume their husband's name socially.

This rule applies to all women domiciled in Québec, even if they married outside Québec or outside Canada, except women married before April 2, 1981 already using their husband's last name to exercise their civil rights.

I am not sure that I have ever heard the real reason behind this law but it is rumoured that it is supposed to benefit children born out of wedlock in some way?????????!!!! In my mind, it's just government telling me yet again, what I can do and cannot do with my freedoms.

Picture this ..... your friend is ill ... and you go to visit her in the hospital. You know she's there because you have been told that she's there but when you ask for her room number at information, they can't tell you what room she's in. Or ... they will tell you that she's not there and this is BECAUSE you don't know her maiden name (under which she was admitted).

Arggggghhhh!!!!

[555Ann555]

I changed my name, socially anyway, becuase I wanted us to be family & share a common family name.

I've yet to change my name legally with anyone but my Doctor or my work... (So passport, driving licence, bank cards all still have my old name on. I keep meaning to do it, but I've never really needed any of that stuff for ID since the wedding so I'm sure I'll be it when I have to!)

[Yelycrazygirl]

Now I’m curios does anybody knows if just the Hispanic culture is the one that doesn’t change last names after getting married?!?! Initially I thought that it was just here in the states that the culture did that, but then I found out that in Canada is done too, now except Quebec, but then other places they change the last name too….. I’m going to have to do google search on it…. Now I’m curious…..