do you all....

[tnbride]

ever have doubts? i Don't know if it's just wedding jitters, i was sooo ready to get married when we first got engaged. Now i have less then 3 months to go and sometimes i wonder!!! Is he the one for me?! I am in a weird situation too bc i am young and haven't "experienced life", Evan wasn't my first bf but i did lose my virginity to him. If we weren't together right now I think i may be in college and doing that whole crazy college scene(parties ,drinking all the time).Dont get me wrong we do party..alot,just at our home,with our dogs.I HATE drinking and driving so I wouldn't want to go to a partyor club(not that i can drink legally anyways!). I heard that every 5 years your a different person or something. Sometimes i wonder if there really is ONE person for everyone. I AM CRAZY i think. I just can't see myself with anybody else.

[justnmary]

I think everyone has the same fear. I know my hubby did a few weeks before the wedding. I told him straight out. "If you have the slightest doubt about getting married tell me know, because we will not go through with it if you're not sure." He was sure he wanted to marry me, but he was unsure of what kind of father he would make to my kids. Even now, he worries he's not doing something right. But so far so good!

[BJC777SRL]

I don't really have any doubts...this is something I've known was going to happen for a long time now, since we've been together for 6 years anyway, and I can't imagine being with anyone else ever again.

[Julz518]

I have had doubts... but mainly when I got stressed and lost focus on all the things I LOVE about Rick. But I am an "old" bride and have known Rick for 15 years. When it comes down to it, I know I want to marry him just b/c I KNOW and love him... and in 15 years there haven't been any neon "don't marry him" signs

But you are young. I have to be honest and say that I am wary of young brides. I have known many who married straight out of HS or college and failed b/c they were still maturing and discovering who they are. Some married to get out of their parents house (my mom) some married b/c it fit their "life plan" (my sister) some married b/c they wanted to get married (my other sister). But I also know many MORE couples who were HS sweethearts and are now my parents age and have been married 30 years!!! The difference is the amount of effort those couples were willing to put into making the marriage work. Almost all of them have confided in me that there was a point they were ready to quit and had to seek outside help... but they were committed to the marriage and making it work at all costs.

Right now I am in therapy, addressing this exact issue. My FH demanded it after our last fight, b/c even though we aren't married yet, we haven't been "working" on making us work. Marriage isn't magical, it takes serious commitment. I would STRONGLY suggest you try to see a therapist. It's good just to have an impartial 3rd party to help your sort out your fears and expectations about marriage... but only you can decide if Evan is "the one" you want to marry. My mom also suggested making a "pro and con" list of marrying my FH (not just baout him, but about marrying him). I think such a list can be a useful tool, but be careful when you decide to write it. I made mine while I was mad at him and had WAY more cons then pros


Good luck!

[Cirig]

I had some doubts a few months before the wedding. I started freaking out a little after I realized that I was going to have to grow up. But then I got over it.

How old are you? Maybe you really do need to wait a little while, can you postpone it?

[whiddle]

I had some doubts before getting married but it wasn't anything that was a huge red flag. We talked about it extensively. I knew that I only wanted to be with Stephen and can't imagine being with anyone else or living my life without him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to examine your doubts and see what the root is. Are you going to premarital counseling? If not, that might be a good thing to try. Also, because you said you are young, how old are you? I was 21 when we got married-DH 20.

[tnbride]

I am 20. FH is 21. We have been together and were inseperable since I was 16. We moved in together when i graduated early in Dec.04 so that was a year and a few months after we started dating. Lived together ever since and love it. We hardly fight, mostly over our dogs and cleaning and stuff. We are going to do marital counseling. Evan is so SURE this is right for him,i don't know how he can be SO sure. I think my problem is that i look at all my other friends who just go to college and party and don't have bf and never have had a serious one and thnk about how much fun they have being young & free. BUT then they always want what Evan and I have, and i don't care about the college scene, i just wanna be with Evan. All of our friends have moved away for college, their are only a few left that live here.I do want to see a therapist not just bc of marriage stuff but i have alot of built up stuff from when i was growing up..with my brother and stuff that i WANT to talk about. Stuff that i can tell has really affected me. I am the youngest of 3 kids and i am the only one that has my head on my shoulders. My mom has no doubts for me and Evan,he will be a great dad and is so sweet.Everybody thinks i am so lucky. my sister was with her bf from highschool for like 6 years(but they broke up off and on....not a good sign to start with)and then when she was 20 she got pregnant and they had a quick wedding...well we all knew he was a screw up but they got a divorce no more then a yr. into the marriage,but he has drug problems and was never home.

[Cirig]

I am 24, I got married a month before my birthday. I feel like I could have waited another year before getting married. So, I guess what I want to say is that if you feel like you might need a little more time before you get married- you should definatley do that! You will never get that time back.

Just don't jump into getting married too quickly just b/c you've made these plans already. It's not too late to postpone a year.

[feb-bride]

It sounds to me like it's not Evan that you're uncertain about; you seem to be uncertain about the institution of marriage in general. You said that all you want is to be with Evan, so I don't think you're doubting him or your feelings for him.

My husband had a similar issue before we got married. We'd been together for years, but there was no marriage in sight. We weren't even engaged. We lived together as if we were married; we even had two kids together. In a nutshell, almost all of his friends had been through messy divorces. He thought marriage was the "kiss of death" for relationships in general.

[alongroadahead08]

I'm feeling slightly doubtful, but I'm like you tnbride, I don't think mine is stemming from the fact I don't believe that my FH is the "one", right now i'm under a lot of stress at work, and with personal life outside of FH. If you have some of the same issues these could be reasons why. I love my FH very much with no doubt, but I get doubtful about marriage because my father cheated on my sister's mother, my mother almost cheated on my father, my brother cheated on his fiancee, it's a ugly pattern in my family and it scares you to think that it could happen to you. My fh would never do this to me, he's seen it in his family too and knows what pain it causes. But it's still in the back of your mind sometimes. So anyway, i'm doubtful sometimes about other aspects, but i'll never doubt the love that I have for my FH, and that I think we are wonderful together.

[mluvsk]

You are really young. I almost got married at 20. I'm glad I didnt' though. I expereienced so much in the past 5 years that I would not have experienced had I gotten married. And, truly I am a different person in so many ways. If I were you I would really consider waiting. You have so much time, you are young.

[AshyBekka]

I never reallyl had doubts, but I waited until I went through college and most of grad school. I also lived on my own for several years before getting married, and to be honest, I wouldn't have been ready for marriage to anyone-including Cliff, my husband-before now. That's not to say that getting married young is always disasterous-with Cliff being in the military, I meet girls who got married at 18,19,20 years old and are doing fine. But I do think it's a matter of what's important to you, and the goals that you have.

I went to college at 18, graduated at 21, spent five months living in Australia on a work visa just because, worked for two years at demanding but highly rewarding jobs that required an almost 24 commitment, worked in London for a while, and then finally went back to law school and was ready to settle down with Cliff. I'm not sure I would have done any of thoese things had I been married, and everything I listed was something I really wanted to accomplish before getting married. I wanted to live on my own. To figure out how to support myself financially. To learn to be self-sufficient and to get an education that ensured I always could be if I had to be. I guess maybe this has gone off on a rant, so I apologize. Jitters I think are normal, but straight up second thoughts are telling you to at least take a second look at the situation-and most importantly talk to your fiance about what's bothering you. Good luck!

[ljeagle]

First take a weekend and go some where with some girl friends. Party and do all those college things you think u are missing out on. When it's all over your will have a better picture. Some times it just takes a min in someone else shoes to see it's not all that.

With me I'm 26 I was almost married at 20. Looking back now what I thought was right wasn't right at all. I wish I would of had that weekend with the girls when I was 20 so I could of seen what I was doing was wrong. I'm really glad he had the weekend with the girls to find out I wasn't the one he wanted.

This could all be stress so thats why I say get away and have a weekend that you want. Relax I still have doubts that Kenny and I will always be together just because I'm not his first wife. Who is to say he won't leave me! No one knows what will happen 10 years down the road live for today.

[tnbride]

See we have been engaged for a year so i am kind of thinking that i am feeling this way so close to the wedding bc,you know, this is a big step and i'm nervous!! I was a totally different person when i was first with Evan when i was 16. I was soooooooo immature and got into trouble and thinking back now i am so scared my kids are going to be like i was. But just bc i have changed hasn't changed my feelings about Evan, they have only grown.I was just thinking after i posted my last post that it really isn't Evan i am worried about...I just always read about how 50% of marriages fail and ablablabla and that kinda makes me scared. My parents were highschool sweethearts and they are still together. I know i COULD wait 10 more years if i wanted to b4 we got married but I want to marry him and I want him to be the father of my children. Sometimes i think I want to see what else is out there(guy wise) but then i rememeber that i don't think there could be a nicer guy then Evan.And i have dated jerks before. Even my sister tells me how lucky i am that Evan loves me so much. Thanks for your responses this really has helped.

[Complicated Woman]

I never really doubted that I wanted to get married...although sometimes I wondered if Tom really was sure he wanted to marry me, since I can be so high maintenence at times!

I would say that if your doubts are because you feel you are too young and haven't experienced life yet, DO NOT GET MARRIED! The last thing you want is to end up resenting Evan because you keep wondering what might have been. That will hurt you, him, your children...and if you're not married yet and you can't help but wonder what else is out there, do you think it will stop or increase over the years?

I, too, am a young bride (22) but I would have NEVER gotten married if I wasn't absolutely sure it was what I wanted to do! In my opinion, life is unpredictable and I don't believe that you don't continue changing and growing past the age of 25, or 30, or whatever the magic age to get married is.

I DO believe that there is a point where you WANT to settle down, don't just do it because it is the next logical step and you're afraid of losing him if you don't.

Good luck! I am sure you will make the right decision for you!

[feb-bride]

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

I would say that if your doubts are because you feel you are too young and haven't experienced life yet, DO NOT GET MARRIED! The last thing you want is to end up resenting Evan because you keep wondering what might have been. That will hurt you, him, your children...and if you're not married yet and you can't help but wonder what else is out there, do you think it will stop or increase over the years?

Very good advice, CW.

[imstilldreaming]

I'll chip in my two cents, since I have a couple of different perspectives on it. (Hopefully I won't add to your confusion!)

My brother got married when he was 21 to my sister in law, who had just graduated high school. They wanted a family right away and she was pregnant a couple of months after they got married. They now have 3 kids, and she is 2 months younger than me (I turned 23 in November). They are very happy, and I know they are happy with the choices they made. However, she also tells me a lot that she is jealous of me because I went to college and got to travel a lot. She feels that she missed out on that. I don't think it affects their relationship, and I don't see it causing a divorce by any means because they love each other very much, but I know she still has that feeling.

Most would consider me a young bride too at 23. However, Casey and I have been together for 4 and a half years. We've both changed a lot in that time and did a lot of growing up throughout our relationship. It caused a lot of pain at some points, but we've worked through it all and have a strong relationship because of it. I've always said that I prefer the bumps we've gone through to having a 'perfect' relationship, because having a perfect relationship typically means you don't ever express your needs. I think that's what makes the difference. It's not whether or not either of you are going to change...you both are. You have to expect that. But you should be able to count on knowing that when you change, your husband will support you and vice versa for him. We've lived apart for months (sometimes even in different countries!), and we knew we could handle that. We've lived together for almost a year, so we know we can handle that. I have no doubts that Casey and I will make a great match. We're not getting married because it seems like it's the next thing we're supposed to do. Like Bryanne said, if you have any regrets about not having been able to run wild, there's no rush.

[Kim&Bob2004]

You are young, but the thing about marriage is that it takes commitment. If you don't have that it doesn't matter how old you are.

I think that it's an issue you have, not an issue with FH. You mention college. Why can't you still go? Married people go all the time. It might even make you a more stable and dedicated student.

Marriage isn't prison, and if one is feeling like it might be, then marriage shouldn't be entered into.

I never had any doubts about Bob. I was nervous, but that is because it's a BIG life change. I had never been a wife before. I wondered if I would be a good wife, etc. I think those are normal feelings.

[birdie]

No one can tell you if you should get married. If you think your feelings are more than cold feet please don't get married yet. Take some time and really think if it is the best thing for either of you right now. If you feel it is, go for it! If, deep down, you want to wait, wait!

[Complicated Woman]

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

Marriage isn't prison, and if one is feeling like it might be, then marriage shouldn't be entered into.

Ditto! There is a Gloria Steinhem quote I love that says (well, something like) "Marriage feels limitless, not limiting. It is having someone permanently in your corner." I think that is a beautiful and true philosophy.

I know that if/when I want to go back to school or ministry or whatever, Tom will support me and work with me to make it happen, just as I would work with him to help him reach his goals.

[tnbride]

oh i can go to school. I really need to but i have NO idea what i want to do. Evan is going to start school next fall. Now that I am reading all these good opinions, it opens my mind from other perspectives. Here is how i feel. Honestly the only reason i even think about the "im young" thing is bc other people say i shouldn't bc i am young and haven't lived. And its funny bc no one i know personally has said it. They all think it's awesome and can't believe we've been together for so long. But it was this one STUPID time i was asking questions on theknot(this is so stupid i don't even know why it mad me mad) but the first time i said i was 19(at the time) everyone, i mean everyone..i had like 100 replys of people saying how stupid i was and they even got personal, talking about my family and i was SHOCKED, that was the first time i was ever concerned about my age and that shouldn't have got to me. Ookay so im not, i don't want to start a family for a LONG time, 5 years& im not even to sure if i can do it. I just want to marry the man of my dreams,who has been with me thru thick and thin,who loves me more then anything, and i want to travel and have fun with him and grow together.So that's my story and im stick to it

[DavidsWife]

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

"Marriage feels limitless, not limiting. It is having someone permanently in your corner."

CW, thats beautiful!!!!

I wonder if I could put something like that in our invite?

[DavidsWife]

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

You are young, but the thing about marriage is that it takes commitment. If you don't have that it doesn't matter how old you are.

Thank-you Kim, I want to say that yes 20 is young. I will be 22 when David and I get married!

I agree with Kim, it is not a matter of Age, I think for 21 I have experienced ALOT that maybe a 30year old hasn't!

Like Kim said, it takes commitment, a relationship is work! I believe at any age you can have that! It's what you put into it!!!

[feb-bride]

Originally Posted by tnbride

But it was this one STUPID time i was asking questions on theknot(this is so stupid i don't even know why it mad me mad) but the first time i said i was 19(at the time) everyone, i mean everyone..i had like 100 replys of people saying how stupid i was and they even got personal, talking about my family and i was SHOCKED, that was the first time i was ever concerned about my age and that shouldn't have got to me.

This is why I quit the Knot over a year ago. I posted about something (not about marriage), and I was ATTACKED beyond anyone's wildest dreams. It was horrible. There must have been at least 200 replies telling me that I was a heartless monster. I spent two solid days crying. Seriously.

[tnbride]

yep! And they don't quit either!! It made me sooooo upset that i was in a bad mood.