same couple 2nd wedding/gift y/n?

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by rotoole12 on 8/23/02. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by rotoole12

I am looking for suggestions, I have a friends daughter that was married last June at the Justice of Peace, my husband and I gave a gift. Now they are having a reception and possibbly renewing there vows, is it necessary for us to give a gift?

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posted by Perth girl

No I don't hink it is necessary. If you feel that you should take something then perhaps a token gift and a card but other than that well no I don't feel it is necessary. You have given a gift already.

Regards
Perth girl

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posted by wynelle

I agree, and am probably going to have the same problem. I have a step-daughter who's fiance is in the military and just back from places we can't discuss, and may go back there. She said she wanted to be married before he went back (probably in the late fall), but somehow the date is set for next May. But... big but here, she said they might "just do the JP thing now and have the big blow out in May." I don't really feel like funding a "big blow out" if she really plans on slipping off now, amd it appears he holds all the hammers in this relationship. Why does it always feel like someone is doing it for the gifts, when they elope and then later plan for a "renewal of vows?"

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posted by feb-bride

No gift is necessary when invited to a belated reception, especially when you already gave a gift when the couple got married.

You can give a gift anytime you want, but technically, you are only "required" to give a gift when you're invited to the actual wedding ceremony.

What's up with couples lately? I've seen a rash of people getting married secretly or in private (without inviting anyone) and then expecting gifts a year later when they throw a belated reception.

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posted by Perth girl

I really think that people that do that are just rude. They don't care about their parents and or step parents or siblings grandparents other family menbers, close friends etc by doing this. If they want to 'elope' secretly then fine but I think its rude to then hold a reception a year later. A wedding is about the ceremony not just a 'party'. I probably think it would would be different if they like Wynelle's step-daughter (for example)got married by a JP before he went off for the service and then have a complete ceremony and reception, that I could understand but not just a 'party' and if people do that then they should fund it themselves and state 'no gifts'

Just my opinion!!!

Regards Perth girl

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posted by feb-bride

I could not agree with you more, Perth girl. I just don't understand why the wedding is "all about the couple" but they still want gifts later on down the road. Hey, it's totally fine if a couple wants to get married in private, but I've heard of women who get married in a private ceremony and then, a year later, they want to have a "vow renewal" and actually expect not only gifts at the reception, but a bridal shower as well.

If you want all the "benefits" of a wedding (presents and pre-wedding festivities), then have a wedding where you actually invite people to it. Unless there's a major reason to do it in private, it seems quite rude to me.

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posted by minorsgal

I agree with everyone here. You shouldn't feel like you have to take another gift. You already have given a gift. That is enough.

My little sister ran off to Gatlinburg, Tennessee the day after she turned 18 and married her boyfriend of 7 months who had just turned 18 a few weeks earlier. My whole family found out about it by a letter in the mailbox.

He was going to the army and two weeks after they got married he went to basic training. So she left our house for 2 weeks and came back to live with us as a married girl while he was at basic training.

When Matt returned from basic, my aunt gave them a surprise small shower type reception in the bottom of her church. We all took gifts because they hadn't gotten anything for their wedding. Plus they were starting out with nothing. If they had been older and both had their own possessions I probably wouldn't have gotten them anything -- and if I did it would have been something small.

I think it is rude to "expect" all of this if you run off and get married without having anyone at the wedding. I would also think it is rude if the friends daughter expects rotoole to bring another gift after they have already given one.

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posted by amazon

I would simply give a card and perhaps a bottle of wine since you have already given a gift. If you are close maybe include a gift certificate for dinner. If it is someone close, I would give according to it being an anniversary and not so much a wedding.

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posted by syringa

I agree with Feb-bride. If this reception celebrates the wedding for which you already gave a gift, then you don't need to bring another one or even a card. Even if they have a vow renewal along with the reception, gifts aren't usually given for a vow renewal unless it coincides with a milestone anniversary, such as the 25th or 50th.

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posted by angel17

I can't speak for all but are you really surprised at the reasons WHY people elope and then settle for the family party at a later date? MIL wants great Aunt Louise (who the groom met once as a child) invited and tells you to cut your college room-mate from the list, your BM wants to wear a blue dress instead of pink and insists her boyfriend sit at the head table, your dad wants his whole lodge invited and refuses to wear a tux, your teenage cousin wants her boyfriend there and WWW 3 is about to start if you seat cousin Ray and cousin Louis on the same side of the floor since they are still feuding about the adults only reception cousin Ray had for his daughter a few years back.....sometimes couples elope because that's the ONLY way to keep the focus on what the gathering is for - their marriage. Or it could be for other reasons not readily made public (namely health insurance).

I'm not saying all as extreme as my examples but sometimes there are mitigating circumstances - we shouldn't assume they are only in it for the gifts - (though we all know some who clearly were).

That said - give what you are comfortable with - at the very least a card of congratulations.

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posted by Perth girl

angel17

Not sure what you mean about other reasons (namely health insurance) I am in Australia so not quite sure where your'e coming from on that one??

Regards
Perth Girl

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posted by feb-bride

I hear what you're saying, angel, but if a couple is so worried about their guests/bridal parties causing problems that they elope, then why on earth would they waste their time/money having a belated reception? Do they think the problems they'd have with family at a wedding will magically disappear when they hold a belated reception?

If you elope because you don't want to deal with your guests at a ceremony, then don't invite those same people to an after-the-fact reception.

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posted by wynelle

That's my point too. There is a 24 year old bride who wants to elope because her friends have nothing in common with her 46 yer old fiance's friends...but then have a post-wedding reception. If bride and groom's friends have nothing in common now... if family creates conflict now, ect... why should anyone believe that in one month everything will have smoothed over?

Perth-girl, in some occupations (say the US military service, if you aren't married at the time of retirement, your future spouse can't receive survivor's benefits; or a future intended may not have health insurance with their job, and need coverage, so they elope so they can be eligible under the spouse's work related health insurance... reasons like that)

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posted by angel17

I'm really answering this question thinking about a friend who's "vision" of her wedding day was vastly different from the production her parents insisted on putting together - had nothing to do with the couple but the parents desire to impress their friends (one example - mother kept adjusting invitation list so the couple could not invite their own friends since parents were paying). She did end up eloping with a small service (bride/groom/4 friends) - then did the production the parents wanted about 2 months later. Since the parents never knew I can't give more info (don't want her to be found out) but her intention was never about the gifts or showers - it was about taking control of HOW she wanted to get married without the familial guilt. In this case even if the couple paid for it themselves the various issues about the invitation list would have still come up.


Perth girl - I think Wynelle explained quite nicely what I was referring to.

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posted by JeremysGirl2002

If you already gave a gift, I don't think they expect you to bring another, but, I wouldn't come empty handed. I would get a very nice card. That should be enough.
You are still thinking of the couple.

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posted by Perth girl

Thanks for explaining the health insuranse issue for me.
Have only recently got back from Honeymoon so hence the delay in responding.
Please check out my post under Wedding Journals (I think that's the heading!!!)

As for this topic - I still stand firm on the card only as they have already given a gift. And angel 17 - I feel sorry for your friend. Did I understand you correctly that she eloped secretly and then got married 2 months later when she was already married?? and no-one knew??

I guess it depends on your parents and parents-in-laws - We were lucky in that they contributed to our wedding financially (about nearly 1/2 between the both sets) and yes they asked for certain special people in there life to be invited but they didn't railroad us and they didn't go stupid on who they invited and yes there was a question here or there re seating and other things but in the end they respected our wishes and we respected theirs - Isn't that what Love and being a family are about???

Regards Perth Girl
Married Saturday 7th September 2002

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posted by dallmand

I agree that nothing more than a "token" gift would be the thing to do. You have already given to the couple, you are now just celebrating with them.

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posted by Pchefstasy

I understand both sides of this issue, however some famies can't afford the party/reception at time of wedding. They decide to save $$ & have it later.If guests know that in advance, that case I'd give card 1st then present at party. Definatly not 2 gifts, unless both are little tokens/ split gift 1/2 & 1/2. Well that's me, This is a real hard one to judge

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posted by Moshib

I totally agree with what Feb-bride said earlier in this topic. If you want to go away and get married, then do it, but don't expect all the benefits later then. If you can't afford to have the reception, then wait to get married. What's the rush?! My fiance and I both graduated college and worked for a year before we could get married, because we are paying for it ourselves. Yes, we would have liked to have gotten married sooner, but we wanted the whole deal, so we waited-- "Good things come to those who wait". Not only that, but it's usually the reception that costs the most of the whole thing! So, to save money (which is only probably a few hundred dollars compared to a few thousand a reception costs.)sounds ludicrous since it's the most expensive thing of all. If you can splurge a few thousand on a reception a few months later, than why not just spend a couple hundred more for the ceremony?! Maybe I'm too traditional, but it just seems crazy to me. After all, the ceremony is the most sacred part of the whole ordeal, whether it's in a church or in a JP's office.

Moshib