Children at wedding - help!
This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by juju on 10/08/01. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.
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posted by juju
My fiance and I decided last spring that we would have no children under 10 at our wedding except for the 2 (ages 6 and 7) who are actually in the wedding. This all seemed fine until last night, when his sister called upset because her 4 year old is not going to be invited (she has known this for over 6 months now). We feel it would be unfair to make an exception for this child, when his other siblings' children are not coming. His sister maintains that since her 7 year old is in the wedding they want to come as a family and the 4 year old is being left out. His sister is also in the wedding so she would not be able to watch this child, who is extremely clingy and will be ignored by the other 2 children. Also, I just don't think it is realistic to expect a 4 year old to conduct herself through an hour long ceremony followed by a 5 hour long adult reception with dancing and alcohol. However, I am feeling very bad about the whole situation. Are we in the wrong? Even if we change the rules, none of the other children will come - their parents have willingly made other arrangements. Now there is rumbling that the sister and her family won't come... Help!
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posted by scotty
No, you're not in the wrong. This is entirely your decision. If you and your fiance have decided that your wedding and reception is not for young children, then the sister will have to accept that along with the rest of your family. We did have children (family only) at our wedding & I was surprised at how well it went. BUT, you shouldn't necessarily change your mind b/c of one family member. People have very strong opinions about this. If you do make an exception though, you'll have to allow all family to bring their children, too. It's a tough call, I know, it gets really stressful trying to make everyone happy. Just have the wedding YOU want! Good luck!
Oops! I didn't read closely enough the first time. If the older sibling is one of the children in the wedding, I might rethink excluding the younger one who isn't in the wedding... just b/c it's the same family.
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posted by syringa
An alternative to excluding all children, particularly nieces and nephews, is to provide a babysitter during the service. If the wedding is being held at a church, they will have a nursery or other play area, and they often have a regular attendant who will come in for a reasonable cost.
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posted by booky61
Hello,
Touchy subject but let me give you an actual incident that just happened over the last weekend. I attended a wedding and there were children from about 1 yr to 15...the babies were watched closly but got stepped on a lot. The boys from about 8 to 11 were using the dance floor as a slip and slide plus by the champaign fountain they were doing karate kicks at each other not a parent in site and the servers had to put a stop to it. I stepped in but a parent finally came behind me. They almost knocked the table over. The 15 year old got drunk! Needless to say at this particular wedding having kids wasn't a good thing though they all seemed to have enjoyed themselves. Now there were other little ones that behaved themselves and stayed with mom and dad. My gut feeling is to tell you to stick to your guns. It's not the place for one that little.
I hope it all works out for you.
Take Care....Booky
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posted by lucyd
I'm not in your situation, but I am really picky when it come to rules and fairness. I would say to stick to your guns. If the rest of the family has made sitting arrangements already, it is unfair to reward the one member who has not by letting her bring the child. It seems that maybe this child is clingy b/c the mother herself can't let go.
Good luck. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out.
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posted by juju
Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. I feel much better about the decision. Lucyd, you hit the nail on the head as to why my future niece is so clingy in the first place!
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posted by feb-bride
Sorry I'm chiming in so late, but I was on vacation.
If you decide on "no kids" then you have to go across the board. It's tough in this situation because some of the child's siblings are in the wedding and thus are invited to attend. If I were you, I'd stick to whatever decision I've made - just make sure your fiance' supports you on this, especially since this is HIS sister. If you tell her that her 4-year-old child cannot attend but don't receive any VISIBLE support from your fiance' (just him telling you he supports you is NOT enough), you are going to look like bridezilla. Not fair, but unfortunately true.
If I were in your situation, I'd make your fiance' tell his sister that the 4-year-old can't attend.
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posted by JeremysGirl2002
I am totally against children at weddings & receptions! They do not belong at EVERY adult function on the planet! Contrary to what MOST parents think!
ANYway, if you aren't having kids there-don't!Please don't give in to this woman!
But, be prepared for her to bring said child anyway! Surprised to hear that? Don't be! It does happen! And, it is frustrating. One more stressful thing we DON'T need at this time of our lives!
If you decide to have someone babysit, don't let too many people know. They will think this is their ticket to free child care for the evening!
Ain't weddin' plannin' fun!!!! (She says sarcastically!)
Explain to her & try to let it go. If she shows up with the kid to try to make you mad, just smile & say something like 'Oh, I knew you would bring your little darling. The room for child care for the day & evening is that way.' Then, turn around & walk away & go about your business at hand.
If she complains that her child is not on the headcount to be fed, tell her that you did not count this child because this child was not invited. I know that is a little mean, but, perhaps it will drive the point home & she will think twice next time! (?)
Harsh? No, these kinds of rude people only relate to these kinds of tactics.
Good Luck! (Sounds like you'll NEED it!!!)
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posted by feb-bride
You make some good points, jeremysgirl, but you still need to make sure your fiance' agrees to this harsh tactic. After all, the person in question IS his sister and will be the bride's sister-in-law. You have to pick your battles wisely when it comes to family.
Also, contrary to what you think, most parents do NOT think their kids belong at every adult function on the planet. Your comment is narrow-minded and ignorant. It's actually an EXCEPTION when a parent insists on their child being invited to adult functions, not a rule.
Also, not everyone looks at a wedding as being an adult-only function. Many people look at weddings as the joining of two FAMILIES, and, as such, children are welcome.
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posted by juju
Thanks so much for everyone's input! Here's an update: my future MIL agreed with me that having a 4 yr old at a wedding was ridiculous but asked me to please allow it as a favor to her since the future SIL's husband was being a real jerk and making SIL miserable. So I did reluctantly allow the 4 year old to come. She actually behaved pretty well. However, at the end of the wedding, my husband's brother (who also had a 4 year old - this one wasn't invited) actually THANKED us for not inviting his child - he and his wife had a GREAT time by themselves. And actually today my husband and I are leaving for a wedding of some college friends. Our baby is staying with her grandparents and we are SO excited to have some time to ourselves!
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posted by feb-bride
I'm glad to hear everything worked out, juju. You had a nice wedding, were the bigger person, and no one seems to be upset about your decision. Good for you!
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posted by juju
Oh and another funny thing: the 4 year old showed up in a dress the same color green as the bridesmaids and same style: velvet on top, satin on bottom. The only differene was that hers had sleeves. Sometimes you just gotta laugh!
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posted by feb-bride
Was that done on purpose? If not, that's one HELL of a coincidence!
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posted by juju
No kidding, feb-bride! Gotta wonder about that one!
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