This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by kag426 on 2/22/02. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.
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posted by kag426
I have a problem...I work with a large group of women. They where all thrilled for me when they heard I was getting married. (some of them cried) Because I have such a large family, the guest list has to be kept to a minimum. Only family and close friends. I was only planning on inviting my one good friend from work. I have asked her opinion about wedding plans on several occasions, as she just got married last June. We sit in an open cubical area and sometimes private conversations between her an I have become forums of public opinion for fellow co-workers. They all listen to tese private conversations intently and then throw in their opinions. Recently, these women have begun to assume that they, too, where invited to my wedding. They have made comments about how much fun they are going to have at my wedding, making sure their calendar is clear for the wedding date, and they have even been so brass as to say "I AM planning on going to her wedding!" In a tone to indicate that not receiving an invitation is not an option. I care deeply for these women, but my wedding budget cannot afford to include them on my guestlist. So, here's the delemma:
Do I continue on what I have been doing...Smile politely and change the subject, hoping they will get the hint?
Do I not respond at all and just not send an invitation hoping THAT would tell them they are not invited.
Or, Do I create an akward work envirnoment and state that the only person invited from work is my closest friend?
Please help!
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posted by syringa
You certainly have a problem. Have you considered having two receptions and inviting your co-workers to only the first one? To do this, have a cake and punch reception immediately following the ceremony at the same location, if possible. Do your cake cutting, toasts, bouquet toss at this reception.
Then, have a second reception at another location for those that you want to join you for dinner and dancing. If you can't have the second reception in a different location, then plan for the second reception to start at least an hour after the first one is planned to end. To insure that people leave, you and the groom will have to stage an exit. Get in your limo or a car driven by the best man or something similar, then drive around for awhile until the guests who aren't invited to the second reception have had time to leave. Just be careful that catering staff isn't busily setting up the second reception in view of the guests who aren't invited. They may figure out that there are two receptions, but you don't want to flagerantly hurt their feelings.
Good luck.
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posted by kag426
I hope you are being sarcastic!
I cannot afford two receptions. Unfortunately, this is not the answer to my problem...But thanks for the suggestion anyway.
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posted by wynelle
I don't think she was really being sarcastic, and unfortunately, you really only have two choices... honesty with the participants or two receptions. Since from the beginning you didn't acknowledge the "small, intimate, family" style wedding, and didn't discourage your fellow workers "Oh, I only wish we could include everyone, but we are limited in size" they all feel included. To add to this, you had discussions regarding the planning of the wedding at work, in a communal area. It really makes it difficult, but you need to be honest with your peers immediately, or start planning that cake and punch reception.
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posted by syringa
I wasn't being sarcastic and I'm sorry that it came across that way. You don't mention how many co-workers are involved, but it must be quite a few or inviting them wouldn't be an issue.
As Wynelle mentioned, you have two options - either invite them and find a way to handle the additional expense, or tell them right away that they aren't invited and risk offending them and perhaps jeopardizing your working relationship with them.
It appears that these ladies really like you and feel close to you. Don't be surprised if they start talking about planning a shower for you. Then, you will have no choice but to invite them.
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posted by Tea
I can understand where a second reception is just as out of your budget as inviting additional guests. Depending on how far away your wedding is (since you haven't sent invitations yet), and you do talk about it at work, you could use a "little white lie" to help spare hurt feelings and animosity -- start dropping hints about how you're upset that you and your fiance have had to cut the guest list, that some of his coworkers won't be invited and you're afraid you're going to have to cut some people from your side as well. You could follow comments like that with something like "we do want to start our marriage not in debt, you know!" or something more tactful like that. Hopefully, that would give them hints enough. Also, I'd be careful to avoid saying exactly where and when the ceremony and reception are taking place, that way they won't have any choice but not to come.
I'd also tell your close friend what you're doing, and see if she can support you with this, even if she can "advise" you while others may overhear about how she cut her guest list and how difficult it was, but it was great because everyone was understanding. Above all, I'd let your other coworkers know that you do appreciate their interest and so forth, because certainly you'll have to continue working with these people and you don't want to alienate them! Hopefully they will be understanding.
I hope this helps!
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posted by feb-bride
First off, I don't think two receptions is a good idea. Even if you could afford it, chances are, the guests who only were invited to the "cheap" reception will probably find out about the "fancy" reception and will be even more hurt than had you not invited them at all.
Second, and this will be hard, but you have to stop talking about your wedding at work. NEVER mention your wedding, and if anyone does ask you about it, just vaguely say something to the effect of "the plans are coming along nicely" and CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
Since you are inviting one friend from work, only talk to her outside of work regarding the wedding. Also, tell her that you are only inviting her, and BEG her not to tell anyone that she's on the guest list.
I'm speaking from experience here. I didn't have a problem, but my husband did. He has about 25 people in his office, and he's only close to about 5 or 6 of them. Inviting those he was close to was an option, but inviting all 25 (actually, 50 guests if you include their spouses) was NOT an option because of expense and because we just did not have the room for all of them. Those he did invite - he asked them to NOT mention the fact that they'd been invited to our wedding at work.
However, one of them walked by my husband's cubicle and mentioned that he would not be able to make it. Another co-worker (not invited) overheard and it spread like wildfire. That's why I recommend that you beg your friend to NEVER bring up the wedding at work.
Since your co-workers already think they're being invited, you should at least listen to Tea's advice in terms of dropping hints about having to cut the guest list and how upset you are about this. If you hear any of your co-workers talk about being invited to your wedding, you will unfortunately have to take that person aside and NICELY tell them that you were planning on inviting co-workers, but that due to budget (or room, or whatever), you will not be able to invite co-workers. Go on about how sad you are about this, but it was either not invite co-workers or not invite family, and what were you to do?
Good luck - you need it!
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posted by JeremysGirl2002
Here is my idea. It may be a little devious, but, if they can't get the message by NOW!
In your conversation with the one person you have been talking planning with, & you know these other busy-bodies are listening, talk about how you had to change the wedding date.
Say that you decided, for financial reasons, to have it on Sunday, instead of Saturday! This way, they won't show up uninvited on Saturday & when they DO show up on Sunday-HA!
NO wedding! (Of course, let your friend in on this little white lie!!!)
Also, since there isn't THAT much of a 'date change', you won't be suspicious to these others.
I know, I know, this may not be the correct thing to do, but, it looks like they are planning on attending whether they get an invitation or not.
You really couldn't 'change' the venue, they would just end up at the right one.
Other than that, you will either have to face off with these 'ladies' or accept the fact they are coming.
Some people have no tact!
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posted by feb-bride
I'm sorry, jeremysgirl, but that sounds like something you'd do in high school.
This woman is trying to AVOID hurt feelings. Can you imagine how PISSED OFF her co-workers would be if she gave them the wrong date and they actually showed up?
Of course, it's VERY rude to make plans to come to a wedding when you're not invited. However, if you're the bride and you work with these people, lying about the date to "trick" them into showing up the day after your wedding is just plain mean.
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