Adults Only Please?

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by trlsimon on 3/07/02. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by trlsimon

Everything I have read states that it is inappropriate to include "Adults Only" on wedding invites, yet I'm concerned that many parents will not understand that only those addressed on the inner envelope are invited. Word of mouth is not reliable, and I simply do not have room for boat loads of kids. What has been your experience?

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posted by guilgas

One way to look at is is this. If the people are not up on their etiquette enough to realize that only those whose names appear on the inner envelope are invited, they probably won't realize it's not proper to put "Adults Only" on the invitation.

Hopefully you're having reception cards. Instead of where it says Reception, you could just say Adult Reception. I think this comes off a little better than if you say Adult Only Reception. It sounds more like allowing adults rather than restricting children.

Hopefully that helped. Most people will understand. A few won't but they won't no matter how you word the invitation.

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posted by feb-bride

This is the most diplomatic way to handle this situation:

When you send out your invitations, put only the names of those invited on the inner envelope. Make sure that your response cards have a spot for the guest to write the number of guests who will be attending (instead of merely checking off "will attend" or "will not attend" - we put "Number of guests attending" on ours).

When you get your response cards back, if you receive any that have more people listed as attending than were invited (e.g., you invite Jim and Nancy, but the number of guests attending is 5), call that guest and tell them that while you're very happy that they can attend, you are unfortunately unable to entertain additional guests. If they tell you that they cannot attend if their kids aren't invited, then just tell them that you'll miss them at the wedding.

One thing - make sure you keep your decision across the board or if you do allow some kids, that there's a rationale behind your decision. Nothing's worse than a family finding child care for their kids, only to show up at a wedding where other kids are running around the room.

For our wedding, we invited "family" kids and kids that were almost like family to us, but we did not invite the kids of our co-workers as we've never met those kids. This did not offend our co-workers because we explained this before the wedding to them.

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posted by kmonte

well whether its good etiquette or not, im having adults only for my reception. i think it also depends on where your from. im in nj and ive seen it done a million times. besides the ring bearer (my son) and my flower girl there wont be any kids under 15 at my reception. it may also depend on the type of reception your having. mine is a formal dinner reception with dancing and alcohol until 11 pm...i dont want a bunch of little ones running around with their parents chasing them, or having little fingers in my cake and so on...plus all the receptions ive been to have been adults only and people understand that and dont bring their kids. i want the parents to have a good time and that cant happen if they are chasing 4 year olds around the place. im also paying just about $50 per person and im afraid something might get broken or whatever if a lot of little kids are there. when i send my invitations out it will give the guests plenty of time to get a babysitter. most of the guests are immediate family anyway cus his side of the family is sooo large so i know they wont be fighting us on bringing their kids.

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posted by kmonte

ps--im doing what guilgas said...im putting adults only reception on the reception card, not on the wedding invitation itself.

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posted by claire100

I'm confused. If you put "Adults only reception" on the reception invitation, won't parents still be free to bring children to the ceremony?

If you want a kids-free wedding & reception, I would just address the invitations correctly - to the people you are inviting.

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posted by feb-bride

Technically, you're right, Claire. However, if people are coming to a wedding and they know the reception is "adults only," why would they bother bringing kids to the ceremony? They'd have to run the kids to a baby sitter before the reception and that, in my opinion, would be a huge ordeal.

I still think that the least offensive way to do it is to just put the names of those invited on the inner envelope and call the offending guests.

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posted by Dana

Most people are very understanding about the Adults only rule and won't take offense. In general children don't enjoy wedding ceremonies much and they start getting cranky about the time the reception starts up. Most are a lot more happy at home with the sitter and their toys.
And sometimes its really fun for mom and dad to have an excuse to get out on their own for a day.

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posted by Moshib

I don't think it's inappropriate at all to put "Adult Reception" on your invitation or response card. I think it's very distasteful to call the family if you only invite Nancy and Bob and they put 5 down on the response card. That takes some guts. Some people really don't know that it's only the people listed on the inner envelope who are invited. I, too, am having some children who will be invited (neices/nephews and those involved in the ceremony. Remember, YOU (or your parents) are paying for the wedding, not them. I am having an adult reception also, and plan on putting "Adult Reception" on my invitations as well as addressing the names of the people who I am inviting on the envelope. I don't see a problem with this. I would think most parents would only be happy to have a night out by themselves! I also agree with feb-bride. Most people aren't going to bring the kids to the ceremony, just to take them back home for a babysitter. Remember: It's YOUR day!

Moshib

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posted by Aussiebride

Hi

We included an info sheet with our invitations that had a heading saying children. We stated that the reception was adults only and that babysitters were available from the resort and to ring the resort who would organise them.

I only wish I had put adults only for the ceremony as well as I know that at least one guest is planning to have her daughters at the ceremony. This could prove a problem as she is the bridesmaid and her children are not the best behaved children around (that's being very polite and diplomatic) and I really worry how difficult they are going to make it for the bridal party and photographer during the ceremony and when photos are being taken.

Any suggestions on how to tackle this one?

Aussiebride

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posted by wynelle

Ask her. Just say "I know you are going to be quite busy with helping me at the wedding and the photographs and all. Do you have someone who will be watching your children or should we make plans with the sitter service?"

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posted by feb-bride

Wynelle made a good suggestion. This will help make sure the kids aren't at the ceremony without you looking bitchy or petty.

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posted by Aussiebride

Thank you Wynelle and Feb-bride for your excellent suggestions. Problem is though that I neglected to mention that as the wedding is a destination wedding and she and her husband have split up, her parents who live quite close to the destination wedding venue are coming to look after the kids and my BM told me that her parents are bringing the kids to the ceremony to see their mom as a bridesmaid.

There's really nothing I can do then is there?

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posted by feb-bride

Ooh, not the greatest situation she's put you in, is it?

Well, on the bright side, the kids will be attended to by their grandparents and they won't be at the reception. Just make sure that you ask your bridesmaid to have her parents and her kids sit at the back in case they get fussy.

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posted by April

We have also run into this problem with my sister's wedding. We are now receiving response cards that have more people responding than invited. Unfortunately, some people are not on the up and up of wedding etiquette. My sister is limited to 100 guests so we are waiting to see how many responses we receive back before calling and risking hurting anyone's feelings. It may all work out in the end. She really didn't want children at the reception, but didn't want to include the Adult Only on the invitation. We just hoped that when we sent out the invitations that people would take the hint that only the names listed on the inner envelope were invited. Some people feel that they need to drag their children to every single event without considering the feelings of anyone else. I agree, you would think that parents would enjoy the opportunity to have an evening out free of worrying about chasing after their children all night. Of course, I have found that it is not that big of a deal for some people because they don't watch their children any way. When I got married I was very clear on the "no children" and even had some people not attend because of it and that was fine too. I offended my sister-in-law that I did not want the 3 year old attending because she doesn't watch him and he was a wild commanche. It was my day and I was not going to worry about that. All you can do is just try to be polite when telling them that your budget only allowed for so many people and just try to remain focused on the fact that it is your day.

Good luck and best wishes to everyone on their weddings!

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posted by Perth girl

Our RSVP cards that were included inside our invitations had the names of the people handwritten by msyelf and then there was the able to accept/unable to accept and thne a space for number of people coming.
People who have children have asked if they may attend the ceremony and we have said that is fine. The reason we are not having children at the reception is because we feel that a reception that goes until midnight restricts the parent guest from having a good time whilst running around after their children. Also it can be very boring and extremely tiring for young ones to stay until that time so the parents would have to leave earlier. And unfortunately after what we have already spent on the wedding we are not prepared to provide a "child set up" for the reception as I have read on many wedding sites. Out wedding is very formal and Black tie event and well its our wedding and unfortunately if people don't like it well then I guess they won't be coming! (see my post under entourage for my drama with the Best Man's wife and child!!!)

Good luck and wishes to all of us!

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posted by georgemama

Hello...
What about if your flower girls (and their parents) live in a different town and you're having an Adult Reception, how do you address that to the parents? One of the parents is the best man and the wife is the groom's sister. What do we do with the flower girls and ring bearers after ceremony and photography is over? My reception will be from 630 pm to 1am.
Help...
George's Mama

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posted by feb-bride

Georgemama - The only option I see in your situation if you want an adults-only reception is to hire a sitter to watch over the flower girls and ring bearers.

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posted by georgemama

Hello again,
Thanks for the reply Feb-Bride.
Does any of u think that it would be ok to invite flower girls and ring bearers only at the reception as the only kids, i.e. if the parents allow them to stay? I just think that it is unfair for the kids to be there very late. Other parents whose kids are not participating at the ceremony may get offended when they see the other kids at the reception.
And what/how do you say it nicely to the other parents that their kids will not be invited at the reception?
Thanks.
George's Mama

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posted by feb-bride

I think it's totally fine to just have the ring bearers and flower girls at your reception (as far as kids go). After all, they ARE in your wedding party, and their parents have paid for their outfits, so it would be nice if they could get more use out of them than just during the wedding ceremony.

If people don't understand or are offended, then they're pretty petty and who cares what they think?

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posted by wynelle

I agree. The flower girls and ring bearers (andfor that matter junior bridesmaids) are all part of the wedding party. they are there in their role as member, not as guest. And hopefully, if they get too tired the parents will take them home. I don't see how any reasonable person would get upset that other children weren't included.

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posted by georgemama

thanks very much! that makes more sense to me now.

George's Mama

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posted by rotoole12

Hi

We included an info sheet with our invitations that had a heading saying children. We stated that the reception was adults only and that babysitters were available from the resort and to ring the resort who would organise them.

I only wish I had put adults only for the ceremony as well as I know that at least one guest is planning to have her daughters at the ceremony. This could prove a problem as she is the bridesmaid and her children are not the best behaved children around (that's being very polite and diplomatic) and I really worry how difficult they are going to make it for the bridal party and photographer during the ceremony and when photos are being taken.

Any suggestions on how to tackle this one?

Aussiebride

Fifteen years ago we put "Adults only on the reception card". We had family traveling in from 14 states for the wedding and no one cared about the hall restrictions. It causes problems with alcoholic beverages and with dinner selections. The children were less responsive to the salmon and Chicken Kiev than many of their parents anticipated. We had hired sitters for the evening and several families still brought the children to the reception.

But the bright side, when my brother married 2 years later, no one brought even a single child. He included the menu wih his invitation asking the guest what there dinner selections would be. Also we learned to let people close to us with children, that the reception was for adults only.

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posted by JeremysGirl2002

I am for a child-free wedding & reception, but, I cannot get out of being forced to invite a few. Luckily, I don't really know that many people who have 'little angels'. I have 2 cousins who both have babies 1 month apart. One cousin isn't invited & I feel I can be open with the other cousin about not bringing the 'little darling'.
No matter what you do, there are going to be some who think their children should be EVERYwhere they are. What is UP with that! You are going to have to make those dreaded phone calls to those who are etiquette challenged! Believe me! This won't go smoothly! This is, to me, the worst part of the planning process.
Go ahead & state Adults Only on the invites & the Reception Cards.
I believe in inviting '& Guest', because I believe no one should go alone to a wedding. But, I don't believe children need to be at adult functions. If parents (there ARE some out there that actually discipline their kids.) would realize they HAVE kids & make them behave, I would welcome them with open arms!
I also have a problem with little kids out there to catch the bouquet & garter!
Sorry to ramble!
Just do what you feel is right for you & you will be fine.