groom's family responsibilites

[millie]

My only son became engaged 4 weeks ago. His fiance already has most of the wedding planned. I am rather dismayed by her choices, such as a wedding in one site at night during the winter and a reception 45 min. drive away. It is in a large city and will be difficult for those who don't live there, including me.
I was told that the bride's parents are paying for the reception and the budget allows 175 guests. I have been told to cut my list of 50 guests, of which at least 15 will probably not attend.
Is this reasonable?

My son has asked if I will pay for the rehearsal dinner. They have already planned that they want to go to a BBQ resturant. I don't eat meat and am bothered by this. They have a large bridal party, and including relatives from out of town, there would be 45 people. They also want to invite friends from out of town to come. They also want an open bar. I don't like my future DIL although I have done my best to hide it, and I don't want to be accused of ruining her wedding by refusing to host what they want. This girl is acccustomed to getting what she wants. My son has asked how much money I will give them. What I can do without discomfort is $1300. That will be a drop in the bucket of what they want. However it is alot of money to me, and I think I should have some say in the place and type of food. Am I incorrect? Please give me advice on how to handle this.

[Sharon Naylor]

Okay, it sounds like you're caught in a situation where the bride isn't very interested in 'family equality' and hasn't absorbed the wisdom that what she does now determines the strength of relationship she'll have with you and the groom's family after the wedding. She seems to be one of the new crop of brides who want even more their way, and they feel entitled to stick the groom's family with the bill for what they want. [Sorry for my rant -- I'm hearing WAY too many of these stories lately...] That said, you can't do anything about any lack of manners or equality in her mindset, so focus on the things you can do now to fulfill your obligations, rise above the fray, and keep solid your relationship with THE GROOM.

If you fight her too much on the rehearsal dinner, your son is going to take her side, and you'll have contributed to a divide between you and the groom. That has repercussions that last a long, long, long time. So...let's go through your issues one by one.

1. You've been asked to cut your guest list down, even though you only have a small percentage of guests on your list. Talk with the groom about this, not to fight for your rights (as it's tempting to want 'to win'), but to see how he feels about having to cut guests off of his list, too. Chances are, everyone had to, so you may not feel so singled out. In most cases where grooms' families are asked to cut numbers, they assume that it's just them, when that isn't the case. Explain to him that while you think 15 or so might not come, you're aware that they can't take the chance of too many Yesses. But give him the names of the people you feel strongly about having at the wedding when any Regrets come in. You may not be given that actual gift when the moment arrives, but you've taken the high road and your son will appreciate it. If not now, then later. Most grooms do look back after the wedding with gratitude for how loving their parents were in the face of some pretty bad treatment. Cut who you can from your list, but do speak up if you're being asked to cut truly important relatives and friends. Talk to the groom and explain your case, kindly, and putting out the 'what would you do in my place?' When you're the loving mother, you don't add fuel to the fire. And that will get you further than digging in your heels and fighting the bride. It's a no-win and really does turn into a huge drama that only distances you. I wish that weren't the case, but it is in the majority.
2. For the rehearsal dinner, yes, if you're paying for it, you should have been asked for your input on where it would be. A gracious, kind bride would have thought of that. But as you said, it sounds like the bride wants everything her way. So take these lemons and see what you can do with it. You're a vegetarian, and you have strong feelings about that. But that problem can be solved with a nice phone call to the groom to ask for the Web site of the restaurant so that you can see their vegetarian menu options. Most restaurants have them. It would be wrong of you to demand that everyone go to a vegetarian restaurant -- I know, you didn't say that's what you wanted. When you show that you're trying to adapt to what the couple wants, without any kind of complaint...you're just looking to see what you can look forward to in the meal...you're rising above.
2. They seem to want a lot, in terms of the open bar (which is the norm for rehearsal dinners, so they're not too wrong there -- ask if you can arrange for an open bar with just beer and wine to cut costs. That's the usual arrangement. No hard liquor. Perfectly within etiquette to request that). As for the extra guests, the bridal party is big, and it's within your rights to say that you're agreeing to pay for the bridal party and their guests plus anyone involved with the wedding (like the officiant). If they want to invite additional people, they can pay for them. That's the way it's properly done, by brides and grooms who follow etiquette. Stay positive, not defensive when you present this option. Show them that you want to give them a nice rehearsal dinner, but it's not your obligation to pay for their extra friends. If you can give $1,300, then that's what you'll give them. And they should be grateful, since that's a really high amount for a rehearsal dinner. They can always pick up the balance, as most couples do.

Don't let your inner feelings about the bride poison your setting your own boundaries, while still giving your son the celebration he wants. Focus on the fact that this is one day, and while the bride is being grabby, your son is also going along with it...so it is the situation you've been handed. Just tell them what you can do, and forget about how wrong it is that they planned a party and want to hand you the bill. That's the way it's going to be, so focus on what you can do well with this to keep your relationship with your son strong.

I know that my fellow Pashers might see this as kow-towing to the bride, but I just went through this and believe me, the bride may have gotten what she wanted out of the groom's family...a very expensive rehearsal dinner that went totally against what the groom's family offered to pay...but she burned a major bridge and will get no more. She wasn't thinking ahead. She fought for the party she wanted, and she got it. But she really screwed up in the long run.

I know it's hard to slap on a smile, but be the one thinking of the future. It's worth more to keep close to your son for the long run, and to handle every manipulation with class and dignity now for a better later.

I'm sorry you're faced with this situation, and I wish I could tell you different advice. But some brides are quite demonic when they want something, and I'd hate to see you blocked out of your son's life.

That said, see what you can do to create a peaceful coexistence with the bride. You don't have to like her, but simmering with hatred isn't going to do any good. Try to find some common ground and treat her nicely...for your own karma. She may not respond, and may want a divide between you and her groom, but that only works for a little while. Trust me.

[Marge129]

Please tell me the $1300 will go towards more than the rehearsal dinner! My RD only got $150!!!

[whiddle]

That's one heck of an RD. I think mine was about $150-200. My HM only cost freaking $700.

[NovemberGal]

I think it depends, again, a lot on where you live. My ILs didn't tell us how much our RD cost, but I wouldn't be surprised if it hit $1000. But we're in Northern VA (Wash DC suburb), we went to a sushi restaurant, and the dinner was 25 or 30 people. But our wedding was $24K (split 3 ways). It's an expensive area.

I'd just like to add, we didn't ask for this RD, and it was VERY generous of them. They asked if we were okay with going to our favorite sushi restaurant (um, YEAH!), and confirmed their estimated list of guests (WP, WP S/Os, officiant & his wife, parents, grandparents) with us. I figure if the groom's family is going to give the RD, then they can pretty much plan as they choose--they should confirm things with the couple, and ask for input, but I really don't think the bride and groom should plan the RD then demand money for it. But as Sharon said, if they do, you need to walk that line between what you want to/can give and what they want, and take into consideration the impact on the various relationships involved. Very tricky.

[ohiobride]

I agree -- if the groom's family is asked to pay for the RD, then you're perfectly within your rights to do the planning.

[feb-bride]

Wow - $1300 for a rehearsal dinner? Mine cost less than $400, and we had between 35 and 40 people at it.

[maroki13]

I have to say that I was one of those brides that really really pushed (along with DH) for the kind of RD we wanted. But let me explain.

ILs were taking care of the RD; site and the food, etc. They were more than willing to spend money (not $1300 though) and pay per head at a restaurant, including room rental fees, etc. We, on the other hand, really wanted a more casual, backyard BBQ kind of RD. Since it was actually cheaper than what they proposed, we pushed them more than we would have had it been a much more expensive dinner. As it was, we had an amazing RD in DH's Oma's backyard and we couldn't have imagined anything more perfect.

That being said, I definitely think they aren't right to push beyond what you can comfortably afford, especially since you are being generous enough to contribute to the RD. I never would have asked DH's parents to pay for something they couldn't have afforded or pushed them into something way too expensive.

Tell them that you'll be happy to contribute money (without conditions) to their RD. No one wants money with conditions attached. However, tell them that $1300 is all you can comfortably afford, and anything over that (for the RD) they are responsible for. IMHO, that is the best way to deal with the situation. If she really is not willing to compromise about her dream RD, she'll/they'll find a way to come up with the extra money or cut the guest list.

[syringa]

I agree with Maroki13. If you can afford only $1,300 for both the RD and the wedding, then let your son know that. Then give them the money and let them spend it as they choose. They will either cut back or find a way to pay for things themselves. If they have to pay for it, they may be more careful in the choices that they make.

[Kim&Bob2004]

I agree with what's been said thus far.

I think it's so sorry to hear or see brides that think that they are getting married so the are "ENTITLED" to what they want.

Keep us posted!

[ladedah]

I didn't get the feeling that her son or his future wife felt "ENTITLED"...he asked if she would pay for the RD and how much she was willing to contribute....I didn't get the impression that they were demanding a big fancy shing dig....yes, they do want something particular...but I think all of us had some desires for our own RD...


It's quite possible that they are planning this dinner, asked his mother to contribute and that they are planning on paying for the rest themselves or someone else will pick up the extra. IMHO...I think that the poster just doesn't like her FDIL and is looking for someone to "give her permission" to tell her FDIL to shove it up her "accustomed to getting what she wants" rear end.

[wynelle]

Daughter --small RD in a favorite Mexican resturant downtown. About 20 of us, total. Bride was 34, grrom was 40.

Step-daughter #1- his parents did it. About 90 people in a banquet room at the Holiday Inn. It was a nice dinner, with skits by the three brothers/sister of groom. He was younger by 10 years than his siblings. (Note- only about 120 people at the wedding.) Among the few *not* invited to the RD were the MOH's (bride's sister) boyfriend---because bride was mad that her sister might pay attention to the boyfriend and not the bride. Bride and groom were both 30.

Step-daughter #2. MIL and groom selected site (military museum) because it was beautiful and it was across the parking lot from the boutique hotel where most of the out-of-guests were staying. Use of the museum alone (no food, no tables, no chairs) was $1500. Because I was a fool, I did all the running around to the caterers getting prices and tasting food. (With the bride. Groom out-of-country, future MIL lived in another state). Future MIL selected the caterer based on recommendations. I made all the arrangements with caterer, for tables, chairs, serving people, bar, etc. (At request of groom since his mother lived in another state.) Future MIL sent out invitations, and made the video which showed her baby boy and his brother growing up---including at least 8 shots of previous girlfriends AND his first wedding. She served as hostess. I got sent the $3500 bill, because Bride and Groom knew she couldn't afford it, and they planned to pay for it, but then they ran out of money when the bill came. Bride was 36, groom was 48. Again over 3/4 of the guests were also at the wedding. So it was really two receptions.

[LadyFaile]

Originally Posted by ladedah

I didn't get the feeling that her son or his future wife felt "ENTITLED"...he asked if she would pay for the RD and how much she was willing to contribute....I didn't get the impression that they were demanding a big fancy shing dig....yes, they do want something particular...but I think all of us had some desires for our own RD...


It's quite possible that they are planning this dinner, asked his mother to contribute and that they are planning on paying for the rest themselves or someone else will pick up the extra. IMHO...I think that the poster just doesn't like her FDIL and is looking for someone to "give her permission" to tell her FDIL to shove it up her "accustomed to getting what she wants" rear end.

i kind of have to agree here. i'm having similar problems with my mother in law. when we announced our engagement she was excited. when we announced that we were getting married in Hawaii she threw a hissy fit and pretty much demanded that we cancel our plans for our beach wedding on our anniversary and wait for the summer and hold it in her back yard. she claimed it was because of the cost, though we told her that we were paying for the family to come on the trip with us so it shouldn't matter to her. she got really angry about it and yelled at me at a family dinner. not wanting to start a big fight, i just kept my mouth shut. my FH stepped in and said "this is the way we want it, and it's our wedding not yours". she said "fine i won't bring it up again"
and she hasn't. but she also hasn't...
-offered to help in any way, with food or setup or gathering what we need or planning of any sort
-gotten her and her family's passports when we asked, they still don't have them and we leave in 3 weeks.
-responded to any of my emails i've sent her, some asking if the passports were taken care of, some outlining some travel and cultural tips, what to pack etc, no answers to any of my questions or thank you's for any of my work to make sure the trip goes well for them.

she finally offered to have the gift opening at her house, only because she can't go to my mom's house because there's a cat and she's severely allergic. and it won't cost her anything anyway..

she's paying for the dj.. orignally she said she would pay for the hall for the reception but she never went in with the deposit to hold it and my mom got impatient and took care of it so it would get done. so she said she'll do the dj instead, which is cheaper.
now she's starting to feel bad we think, or else her husband has given her an earfull because she's suddenly told my FH (not me, gosh no) that they will pay for the dinner after the ceremony and for their rental vehicle for the trip.

we've pretty much figured out that everything she's done has been halfhearted and left to the last minute to get back at us for not doing things the way she wants.

we thought we were doing our families a huge favour taking them on a vacation to Maui but she's done nothing but gripe about it from day one. and with all the complaining about cost, we all agreed that we would have a low-budget christmas, but at the last minute she decided to go all out and spend a fortune on gifts for everyong to impress the youngest son's new girlfriend who's never had a real family christmas. i was pretty offended that she felt that showing this girl that her family spends a lot of money on christmas was more important than helping us with the wedding. please.


anyway my point is, just try to go with it and have fun, forget about what you want and let the bride and groom celebrate their way. it's their day, it's their marriage, and if they don't get to have their wedding the way they always wanted, they will regret it forever. at the same time, if they do have their dream wedding but know that having it makes their family miserable, they will regret that forever. so honestly for the good of the couple and your relationship with both of them just let them have their day. if you can't afford a fancy rehearsal dinner tell them and make other suggestions, like a buffet maybe, where there will be food choices for you and for everyone else for a reasonable price. i don't see the point in fancy rehearsal dinners myself, i'm not even having one. if you're upset about the guest list mention it to them but if they are sure they can't fit in those extra people, then they can't fit them in. don't dwell on it just move on to the next crisis. they have enough to stress over as it is, no sense in making waves ya know?

[texasrose2]

Hi We are off to Cancun for a destination wedding . We the parents of the groom will be hosting a cocktail party for approx. 30 people two kids and an infant. We do not know each other much if at all. I am looking for a way to creativily introduce or have everyone introduce themselves. A party ice breaker?
We are also looking for something interesting to do after the wedding dinner as it is not like a regular wedding where you have a formal reception any ideas are greatfully appreaciated. Thanks in advance.

[wynelle]

This is a very old thread, so you might get more responses by posting it as a new thread.

That said- whay not have each person wear a name badge that is an old photograph of that person and the member of the wedding party? Say if a bridesmaid was a Brownie in the same troop with the Bride---see if she has an old photo that can become her name tag.

Then-- have everyone go around and identify the relationships.