My groom does not look happy? what can I do?

[transferred post]

This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by bride908 on 1/21/05.

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posted by bride908

We got engaged by mutual decision about a week ago. He did not propose and we decided to not get a ring.
I already told my parents and a few close friends, they are all very excited for us. I am very excited and cannot wait to start planning. He on the other hand looks very unhappy. He does not look excited at all. He has not told his parents yet. Is this normal? Should I have a conversation with him? Could it be he does not really want to marry?
Help!

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posted by wynelle

Is it possible that he doesn't look happy because he isn't? Perhaps he wanted to propose in some special way... or perhaps this decision is not as mutual as you want it to be and he felt pressured. Perhaps he wanted to tell all the parents at the same time?... No one will know until you ask him.

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posted by syringa

This may be a bit too sudden for your fiance. Women think about weddings and wedding planning from the time they are children. Men don't. He may be overwhelmed with the situation right now. Do talk with him and let him know that if things are moving too fast for him, you are willing to stop and wait for him to take the lead. When he is ready, he may want to make a formal proposal or buy a ring. He may also have definite ideas of what he does and doesn't want in a wedding and his ideas should be respected. You won't know what is going on until you ask him, then be willing to work with him whatever he says.

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posted by feb-bride

Why not try talking to him?

Maybe this isn't as mutual as you think. Maybe he felt like you were pressuring him to get engaged. You don't say what you mean by "mutual" decision.

Maybe he feels like you're rushing the planning phase. Maybe he just wanted to be engaged for awhile without thinking about the actual wedding and marriage.

You won't know until you talk to him.

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posted by catina

Definitely have to talk to him. Now. Find out what's going on and how he feels. Communication is very important to have in a successful relationship.

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posted by labeadel

My fiancee was very set on how he wanted the proposal to go. We have lived together for over 5 years and have joint finances and had talked about marriage for quite a while. Even though it was all out there in the open, he still wanted to propose in his own way and be "the man". I must say, I love that he put his foot down and that we did it that way. What I'm trying to say with this story is that maybe he's feeling emasculated. Even though the two of you agreed, maybe you're like me, and more convinced him. He may just want that beautiful proposal story to tell all of your family and friends that he now doesn't have.

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posted by suechick

Relationships are built on communication, and you need to make sure you communicate with him to make sure he is where you are.
For example, in Chris & I's relationship, I am the animated one, I get outwardly excited about things,etc. He's more "monotone" and sometimes I wonder if he's on the same page. One of the things we have done, is started to keep a jounal together, we both write in it, etc and his writing portrays his emotions almost always better than he appears.
Just a suggestion...

*sue ;o)

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posted by HeatherR

Bride908 hasn't posted since - wonder if they're still engaged...

Heather

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posted by feb-bride

I've wondered the same thing myself. Often, when I hear brides say that they got engaged by "mutual decision" (especially when there's no ring involved), it's more a matter of the bride cajoled the groom into getting married. I'm not saying that's the case for bride908, but sometimes the guy just goes along with it because he doesn't want to break up, but he doesn't want to get married, either, and it's easier to go along with it than say that he's not ready.

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posted by octoberblonde

I agree. Communication is KEY to a relationship.