Who Pays/How Much - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

inquiringaunt · #1 11-22-2006, 02:30 PM

I'm actually doing some research for my sister, the mother of the bride. Her daughter is 34 years old (as is the groom) and is planning her first wedding for September 2007. The question my sister has is, how much of a financial commitment is the bride's family expected to make in this day and age for a well-established couple? My niece is looking forward to the whole shebang - sit down lunch or dinner, DJ, etc.

My sister is torn between providing a nice wedding for her daughter and the incredible expense such a function would drive.

Is there a "standard" for older, established couples and expenses from the bride and groom's family?

Inquiring Aunt

Sharon Naylor · #2 11-22-2006, 08:10 PM

It sounds like the bride's mother would love to follow one of the new methods for wedding planning -- which is sitting down with the bride and groom and having a very open discussion about the budget and who will pay for what. She will, of course, let the bride and groom know that she wants to give them a beautiful wedding, but her realistic budget is 'x' amount. She'll be happy to help in other ways as well, but -- and this is a key phrase -- she wants to know what the bride and groom expect and possibly plan to pay for themselves. The couple, being older and more established in their lives, might already have a plan to pay for some of their wedding on their own, so she may be happily surprised that she's only footing the bill for a portion of the wedding. Or, she might find out that the groom's family has offered to pay for portions of the wedding, but they're waiting to hear what the bride's mother would like to do (grooms' families are getting involved, and in good etiquette they await the bride's family's wishes). Of course, she can't ask for the groom's family to pay...she needs to see what the couple have in mind.

If she approaches this conversation openly and lovingly, not defensively, she can work with the bride and groom to both give them a realistic expectation level and let them come up with ways to co-create the wedding of their dreams.

It's all in the first meeting. Hopefully, the bride and groom are among the types who respect the mother and don't demand more than the mother can realistically give. I'll keep my fingers crossed for her on that...

If you'd like any further guidance, just let me know!

Sharon
Author of 'The Mother of the Bride Book'

MarthaA562 · #3 11-23-2006, 04:03 AM

Well... there is this whole 19th century etiquette that the brides family pays for pretty much everything except for the reception dinner (there are tons of lists that narrow it down even furthur). Some people follow that etiquette... but Joe and I are footing the bill for most of it. My parents are divorced... my mother is chipping in about $600 for the flowers (all she can afford) and my accountant father (enough said there) has offered the $2300 education fund I never used to pay for it. I am still a little bitter about it b/c one of my sisters was pregnant and had a backyard wedding (very low-key.. potluck... that kind of thing) and my other sister is a lesbian. Joe's dad is a CPA as well (how did we get so lucky!!), and they are chipping in what they can. But basically, we are paying for most everything, however I have told them that if the 20 people that live in California that they are asking me to invite show up, they will have to chip in more (they are my Dad's family... I have not seen them in years, I don't think any of them will come, my parents think it will be a nice gesture). I guess it all depends on the parents, their financial situation, or whether they are cheap or not!! Sorry for the rant... I am still a little embarrassed and bitter because Joe's parents are very southern and traditional...

wynelle · #4 11-24-2006, 01:31 AM

I think that if the parents have the funds and want to contribute, it is great.

But if the daughter is over 18 and/or is independent (especially if already living with the boyfriend), then the daughter should appreciate whatever the parents are willing to contribute. It is a gift under any circumstances, not an obligation.

I don't think any parents should feel obligated to go into debt to pay for a wedding, especially when all it really costs is the license fee. The rest is part of the party. But if the parents have the funds and/or are willing to take on the debt, that is their option.

I don't think it is fair for adult children have to complain about how much their parents are or aren't paying for their weddings. They should be grateful for anything.

syringa · #5 11-24-2006, 01:43 AM

From an etiquette perspective, today, the parents are not expected to pay for anything unless they volunteer to do so. The costs of the wedding, particularly for an older, well established couple, is the couple's responsibility. If either set of parents chooses to help they will either offer a certain amount of money or they will offer to pay for certain things, such as the photography or the music. As Wynelle said, the couple should be grateful for anything the parents offer.