Batcholer / Batcholerette Parties

[AngelRoseFyre]

OK I have a problem, and from what I hear from my friends around this area, it's a common one.

I feel REALLY uncomfortable with the idea of strippers at either party. I don't want some naked guys schlong in my face, and I sure as heck don't want some naked chick dancing up on my man.

I have tried to voice my oppinion to the two people throwing our parties, and both of them keep throwing my views out the window, saying that strippers are the tradition. I talked to Ian about it, and he keeps telling me I have to take it up with Marc (the groomsman throwing his party), because he thinks if they can't have strippers there will be no point to have the party at all. I feel like I am running around in circles, and no one will listen to me.

I don't think combining drunk men with naken women is a good idea to begin with, especcially not right before the man of the hour gets married.

My ex-husband was a constant cheater, so I have a big problem with that kind of thing to begin with.

I really feel as though this is my marriage, so why do they decide what is best for us?


Do you guys have any ideas on how I can get my point across better?

[sparklesweetie]

My suggestion would be for you and Ian both to sit down with the respective people and tell that you will NOT be having strippers. It will make more of a front if you do it together, and be firm in your decision. Also, it'll make sure Ian's backing you with him not having any either.

If that doesn't work and they do it anyways....leave. It's your party, regardless of who's throwing it. And if they can't respect your wishes, then you can go elsewhere and have the fun you want to have.

(I kind of had the opposite problem. I wouldn't have minded going to a strip club (male/female) but I got a lot of resistance from some of the girls. So we didn't, although now I wish I would have seeing as how my limo didn't show up anyways....but that's another story.)

[mommy03bride]

Originally Posted by sparklesweetie

My suggestion would be for you and Ian both to sit down with the respective people and tell that you will NOT be having strippers. It will make more of a front if you do it together, and be firm in your decision. Also, it'll make sure Ian's backing you with him not having any either.

i agree

alot of people do like a girls night out/boys night out. i have friends that have gone to clubs for there last night to hang out and drink. my fh friends have went to play pool and drink, so there is other things to do other then getting strippers.

[justnmary]

My hubby was the one who didn't want me to have a stripper. I was fine if he wanted one, I have complete faith in him, but he didn't want one and didn't want me to have one just because he knows what type of person my maid of honor was and he doesn't agree with her lifestyle. So I told her no strippers at my party just to keep hubby happy and she agreed. Now if your friends and his friends can't see your point of view I would tell them that you don't want the party and you and hubby just go out on a "date" night together. Screw 'em!


ETA: DON'T BE A PUSH OVER! THIS IS YOUR PARTY NOT THEIRS!

[Sh@ks18]

ugh i hate how some people use other people's bachelorette parties to do whatever they want (bring strippers etc), when they know the bride or groom may not be comfortable with it.

I personally would walk right out the door if my friends brought me a stripper for my bachelorette party. I personally would prefer to spend quality time with THEM, now with them rubbing up on some stranger

[Kim&Bob2004]

I would tell them, as a united front, that neither of you want strippers. That it ruins the sanctity of the vows you are about to make to each other publicly. That for the two of you no other person can turn you on but the one you have pledged your heart too.

If a person wants to go to a strip club then that's their business, but I really don't see how getting drunk and seeing some man (or woman) you have never seen before right before you get married is celebrating what should be a happy event. I am sorry if that offends someone that had strippers and wanted them, but I really don't see that as a healthy way to begin a relationship. It's like your friends are trying to get you to break a promise you made to your intended (even though you aren't married yet, you should be faithful to each other or why get married???). I know Bob and I both made such promises to each other, and I would hope all people married or engaged have made promises in their hearts and verbal to their intended that they will never cheat on them.

Just my thoughts. I know Bob would have been mortified if his male friends had hired a stripper to lap dance for him, when in his heart he had already promised me and God that he would be faithful. I would have been very uncomfortable myself if my friends had thrown me such a party.

Personally I think the people throwing the parties are the ones with issues, not you! Like Shaks said, walk out and never darken their doorsteps again. In fact if they are friends they should know how much your ex hurt you when he cheated. Girlfriend, with friends like them, do you need any enemies?

[Leslee&Jake]

I agree about all sitting down and putting up an united front. They need to understand it is yours and Ian's parties, not their own.

Good luck Girlie!!

[Heather]

Agree. Both of you sit them down and be specific with them.

Just b/c other people expressed their opinion on this, I'll share mine too even though it wasn't asked for. I have no problem with strippers or strip clubs at all. I didn't want male strippers at mine, but couldn't care less if Mike went to a strip club for his. I actually ended up in a strip club (female) two weeks ago at the end of my bday party. Mike and I don't look at it as cheating or disrespecting each other, etc. Everyone has to work, and I respect a woman who can do what a stripper does if it's how she chooses to pay her bills for a time.

We've had a million discussions about this too. If you're interested I can dig up some old posts if they're still on the old site.

[munchkin]

I hate strippers too, but it's because DJ's ex is one and she's the biggest bitch I've ever met. I hate her, and so it's become a thing with me. I have no respect for strippers at this point, due to the experiences I've had with her. I'm also very insecure about myself, and feel that there's no way I could ever measure up to the way a stripper looks, so I get really upset when people mention taking DJ to a strip club for his bachelor party. My issue and I know i need to deal with it.
Anyway, as others have said, present an united front and it should hopefully work out. Otherwise, you don't need friends like that, and they can go to hell.

[DavidsWife]

Originally Posted by AngelRoseFyre

I don't want some naked guys schlong in my face, and I sure as heck don't want some naked chick dancing up on my man.

Agreed!

Fortunatley Dave is soooooo far from interested in naked chicks and any sort of stripper that I don't need to worry!

I'd just much rather have dave wave his schlong around in my face!!!

No schlong like dave's schlong...

I have come to the realization I love to type the word SCHLONG

Plus, I'm a perv for Dave!!!

Okie, It's time for bed, Iam so far from tierd....

Have a good nite ladies!!!

LET'S SCHLONG IT UP!!!!

[DavidsWife]

Originally Posted by Leslee&Jake

I agree about all sitting down and putting up an united front. They need to understand it is yours and Ian's parties, not their own.

Good luck Girlie!!

I agree!!!

[Sh@ks18]

Originally Posted by DavidsFiance

Agreed!

Fortunatley Dave is soooooo far from interested in naked chicks and any sort of stripper that I don't need to worry!

I'd just much rather have dave wave his schlong around in my face!!!

No schlong like dave's schlong...

I have come to the realization I love to type the word SCHLONG

Plus, I'm a perv for Dave!!!

Okie, It's time for bed, Iam so far from tierd....

Have a good nite ladies!!!

LET'S SCHLONG IT UP!!!!

lol youre too funny

[Emily]

Hmmmm I am at two minds over this because personally I dont have a problem with Damon going to a strip club for his stag! I trust him and I know that he wouldnt do anything stupid!

I have a question for you - Do you think Ian is saying 'bring it up with the groomsmen yourself' because he actually does want a stripper and he doesnt want to tell his boys no??

I think that if you are telling the guys no for Ian then it might make them want to get one even more - unfortunately guys are like that!

For our stag / hen night we are having a kind of joint one (mainly because we dont have that much time in NZ to catch up with everyone), we are all going out together initially and then the boys and girls with split up for a few hours and I assume that Damon and the boys will go to a strip club while us girls go out and get drunk and have a boogie! I've told the girls no-strippers for me and I know they wont, we are just going to go out and be silly girls together!

Unfortunately I think this is something you have to be cool with or else you will be worrying your head off when Ian is out on his stag!

Kim - I dont consider going to see a stripper as cheating, do you see it that way????

[michandmitch]

Originally Posted by Emily

I think that if you are telling the guys no for Ian then it might make them want to get one even more - unfortunately guys are like that!

I have to agree here. Unless Ian stands up and says no, chances are the guys are going to go ahead and get strippers. Like many others have said, form a untied front

[michaelsbride]

I really didnt want either of us to have a bachelor/bachelorette party because we were going to be in San Diego with all of his friends and only a couple of mine were actually going to be able to make it. We got married there because we knew his family wouldnt be able to travel to a wedding anywhere else and i felt since we were doing that, he should respect my requests.

He agreed at first and then three days before the wedding we had a huge blow out about it. As it turns out, him and his groomsmen stayed together for three nights at the ceremony location (his grammy's backyard) just hanging out and one night we went out with his groomsmen and my moh and had a BLAST together.

[mommy03bride]

Originally Posted by Heather

Agree. Both of you sit them down and be specific with them.

Just b/c other people expressed their opinion on this, I'll share mine too even though it wasn't asked for. I have no problem with strippers or strip clubs at all. I didn't want male strippers at mine, but couldn't care less if Mike went to a strip club for his. I actually ended up in a strip club (female) two weeks ago at the end of my bday party. Mike and I don't look at it as cheating or disrespecting each other, etc. Everyone has to work, and I respect a woman who can do what a stripper does if it's how she chooses to pay her bills for a time.

We've had a million discussions about this too. If you're interested I can dig up some old posts if they're still on the old site.

H you ROCK

I love how open minded you are!

[PlanetClaire]

Since this thread got bumped back up....What's the decision Rachel?

The thing that bothered me the most was that Ian is having his the night before the wedding? Did I read that right? BAD idea!!!

I wouldn't have a problem with the boys or girls having a party at a strip club. I would be more concerned if adult dancers were hired and came to a private location like a hotel or someone's home.

Tradition schmadition!! You both have every right to express concern in the area and Ian should back you up and not tell you to talk to his friend about it.

[Kim&Bob2004]

Originally Posted by Emily

Kim - I dont consider going to see a stripper as cheating, do you see it that way????

Emily, my take on it is that if it makes a man or woman desire another person over their mate, it is cheating.

I use to not have a problem with sex movies (porn) or whatever, never really viewed them as anything other than tools to learn how to please my DH better (since I was a novice). I now have a different view. For some those things can became addicting. We have a friend that has been married for 20+ years and for 19+ of those years has suffered from a porn addiction. The trouble and anxiety it has caused his marriage is terrible. It got to where he would rather view porn and strippers instead of his wife (though he always said he loved his wife.... it also made her think less of herself over the years). It really affected their relationship and even though they say they are recovering from it, I can't help but see that each one has some trust issues. She, that he wont go back to desiring to look at other women, whom she would invariable compare herself too and come up 2nd place in her mind, or he, that she should would leave once and for all never giving him a another chance to correct something he promised he wouldn't do, again.

I think porn has a way after a while of making women view themselves as lacking. Let me ask you this (anyone) if your love likes, needs, whatever, to view strippers, porn etc, but still says you are their number one gal, that it's just a visual thing, that they didn't really view them as desirous, that they were seeing parts not a person, what goes through your mind? Do you never secretly, in your private thoughts wonder, "Am I as sexy as they are?" When or if you do, that is when you need to talk with your DH or FH and explain your feelings. If he gives umpteen excuses or reasons why your feelings are irrational, then its cheating. If it was really all those things, he wouldn't give excuses.

ANYTHING, that makes one partner in the relationship view themselves as unworthy, low, like they are second best, etc., should be looked into...... It's not good for the relationship.

So that is my answer.

[Emily]

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

Emily, my take on it is that if it makes a man or woman desire another person over their mate, it is cheating.

I use to not have a problem with sex movies (porn) or whatever, never really viewed them as anything other than tools to learn how to please my DH better (since I was a novice). I now have a different view. For some those things can became addicting. We have a friend that has been married for 20+ years and for 19+ of those years has suffered from a porn addiction. The trouble and anxiety it has caused his marriage is terrible. It got to where he would rather view porn and strippers instead of his wife (though he always said he loved his wife.... it also made her think less of herself over the years). It really affected their relationship and even though they say they are recovering from it, I can't help but see that each one has some trust issues. She, that he wont go back to desiring to look at other women, whom she would invariable compare herself too and come up 2nd place in her mind, or he, that she should would leave once and for all never giving him a another chance to correct something he promised he wouldn't do, again.

I think porn has a way after a while of making women view themselves as lacking. Let me ask you this (anyone) if your love likes, needs, whatever, to view strippers, porn etc, but still says you are their number one gal, that it's just a visual thing, that they didn't really view them as desirous, that they were seeing parts not a person, what goes through your mind? Do you never secretly, in your private thoughts wonder, "Am I as sexy as they are?" When or if you do, that is when you need to talk with your DH or FH and explain your feelings. If he gives umpteen excuses or reasons why your feelings are irrational, then its cheating. If it was really all those things, he wouldn't give excuses.

ANYTHING, that makes one partner in the relationship view themselves as unworthy, low, like they are second best, etc., should be looked into...... It's not good for the relationship.

So that is my answer.

Interesting - I totally respect your view on this topic Kim but we obviously have very different views.

I dont have a problem with Damon looking at porn if he wants, just as long as its not a secret, sometimes we will look at porn together - more to go 'OMG look at that' rather than 'oh thats a turn on'. He doesnt actually go to strip clubs and doesnt really fancy them anyway the only time that he would, would be for a batchelor party or something like that!

I have to disagree with your comment 'ANYTHING, that makes one partner in the relationship view themselves as unworthy, low, like they are second best, etc., should be looked into...... It's not good for the relationship.' because I see that more as an insecurity, say for example (just for example) Bob looked at porn and it made you feel low then that is your issue not Bobs, you are the only one in control of how you feel about things.

I think there is nothing wrong with looking - touching obviously is a whole other issue, but looking is not a problem to me! Damon always comes home to me, I dont mind if he gets inspiration from elsewhere time and again because after all variety is the spice of life!

I trust Damon totally and I know that he would never do anything to break the vows that we made the day we married and I think its healthy for your relationship to have a look around!

Your friends that you mention about the porn addiction - there must have been other issues in the relationship for him to turn to this addiction, they musnt have had a solid relationship to start with or else he wouldnt have felt the need for something which may have started off as a hobby to turn into an addiction!

And to answer this question Let me ask you this (anyone) if your love likes, needs, whatever, to view strippers, porn etc, but still says you are their number one gal, that it's just a visual thing, that they didn't really view them as desirous, that they were seeing parts not a person, what goes through your mind? Do you never secretly, in your private thoughts wonder, "Am I as sexy as they are?" thats a big fat no for me because I am the one he married and I am the one he is sleeping with I always know that I am his number 1 gal, and I like to look at it as, 'he looks at those women and thinks, 'man I am lucky, my lady is so much hotter than her''

[birdie]

I wish I was as confident as you, Em.

[NovemberGal]

Like Emily, I don't have a problem if my husband wants to read or watch porn. He used to--he told me that the first time I came over to his house, he hid the tapes of anime porn he has in case I saw them. It truly doesn't bother me, as long as he doesn't feel the need to hide it. Once you're hiding something (unless it's a surprise gift!) there's a problem. I've told him this many times, but he hasn't read or watched porn since we started dating--he says he doesn't need to, because he has me.

Now, strippers are another issue. Maybe I'd be okay with going to a club to watch, but touching is a whole other thing, and that would bother me--whether the stripper was touching DH or he was touching her. Fortunately, that's really not his thing and makes him uncomfortable too, and it isn't the thing of most of the folks in our group of friends. The last three bachelor parties have consisted of bowling and/or kung fu movie watching.

BUT that said, I think if a wife has a serious problem with porn for whatever reason, talks to her husband about it, and he watches it anyway, that's a problem. It is a problem of respect and communication--I still wouldn't call it cheating--but it is a problem.

[Marge129]

I also have no problem with porn. UNLESS he downloads a virus on my computer at the same time.

I do, however, have a problem with going to a strip club without me. If I'm there I don't give a hoot. He can even go get a lap dance. But I know in the past he's taken strippers home and you can damn sure bet I'm not gonna let that happen again!

[imstilldreaming]

I really hope this has come to a resolution and that your friends understand your point of view. My friend asked me if I wanted a bachelorette party and I said 'only if we get to eat pizza and watch movies in our pajamas' and I would be pretty upset if a bunch of male strippers showed up or something. Because I truly want to eat pizza and watch movies in my pajamas with my best girls!!

and I am also on the front of 'no strippers without me!'--not because I don't trust him--I've been to clubs with him and as soon as we walk in he gets a permanent 'little boy in a candy store' look on his face, no stripper would think that was sexy haha--but because I like them too and its not fair.

[Heather]

I'm with Em a 100% on this one. I have no problem with porn or strip clubs at all. I think that watching some porn can be healthy for a relationship because it can spice things up if you're open to it. On the other hand, if I were with someone who hid his porn watching, that's a different story.

I haven't ever questioned my own desirability or self-worth against porn stars. It's just not realistic. If anything, I admire them for their ability to do certain things and it makes me more open to trying things with hubby. I've never felt threatened by porn or strippers.

On some levels, this also transfers to real-life for me. I've had men cheat on me and even then, I don't question my own value or worth, it's their issue and they need to deal with it. I may have been delusional about certain aspects of our relationship, but I have never questioned myself or thought that I'm lacking in some physical or sexual way that caused them to stray.

I also don't know if it's a 100% confidence that makes me feel this way, as someone said to Em. I have issues with my small boobs - always have - so I wouldn't consider myself 100% confident. For me, it's as I've gotten older that I know who I am, and I don't call that into question for anyone or anything.

[PlanetClaire]

Yoooohooooo Rachel???? So? what has been decided??