Should I tell my family - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Jai261 · #1 10-29-2006, 01:54 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months and things are very serious. We have been talking about getting married for a while. He's planning on going to the Air Force. When I graduate from college in 2008, we're getting married in July and I'm going to stay with him on base. I think he has a ring but I don't think he's going to propose until next year. I don't know his whole family, and he doesn't know mine. But, when he introduces me to some of his family members, he tells them I'm his soon to be wife. He already told his mom that he wants to marry me, and she's been calling me her daughter-in-law since (no in-law drama!

) I haven't told any of my family members because I don't have a ring yet. I know when I do tell them they're gonna ask to see the engagement ring. I told my mom that me and him were going to elope but she got upset and wanted me to have an actual wedding. I didn't tell anyone else though. I've been wondering, should I tell my family or wait for the engagement ring? I told some of my friends and they are very happy for me. What should I do?

Kim&Bob2004 · #2 10-29-2006, 01:06 AM

I am assuming that your family knows you have been seriously seeing someone? Personally I would wait until it's official. If they know you two are in a serious relationship most are already taking it for granted that it will be the next step, so no big surprise. When they ask when are you going to get married, just tell them the question hasn't been asked yet, and it will be the truth.

Welcome to PASH!

Laurie · #3 10-29-2006, 03:08 AM

Welcome !

I am one of those ladies who wouldn't say "yes" till there was a ring with the proposal.

There has been a lot of ladies who didn't get a ring till closer to the wedding.

Personally I wouldn't tell anyone till it was "official" complete with ring and an proposal..

wynelle · #4 10-29-2006, 03:13 AM

Well, unless he has actually proposed, you aren't engaged. And that seems to be part of the hold-up here.

It sounds like you are already planning the elopement, where you are going to live, etc, plus he has introduced you as the woman he plans to marry. Those are the things you do when you are engaged.

But to be fair, you can't really be engaged when you are with his family if you aren't engaged when you are with yours. And it doesn't take a ring to be engaged.

If it were me, I wouldn't be discussing the wedding plans if I weren't engaged. I also wouldn't be too comfortable with his mother refering to me as her daughter or daughter-in-law, if I weren't engaged to her son. You seem to be caught in the middle here, and you might want some clarification with your boyfriend.

Another quick question--when does he plan to joing the Air Force? Because for the first several months, there won't be a place for you to live with him on base. He has to finish his boot camp and basic training and get to a permanent assignment before there will be a place for you. Just a thought in planning the wedding date.

Complicated Woman · #5 10-29-2006, 01:06 PM

I might mention to your family that you plan to be married eventually, but nothing is official yet.

I agree that it doesn't take a ring to be engaged, and that for all practical intents and purposes, you guys are, but I'd wait until it was official to start the celebrations!

SerendipityCrafts · #6 10-29-2006, 02:50 PM

Mark me down for - wait until it's official.

Sh@ks18 · #7 10-29-2006, 05:35 PM

I agree to wait until it was official.

For example, my parents, if i told them i was serious with someone, their first question would be "well if he's so seriously talking about marrying you, then why hasnt he proposed yet?"

breezy · #8 10-30-2006, 01:09 AM

I agree I would announce your "engagement" until it's official... but there is nothing stopping you from saying "we've taked about our future together" or 'we've talked about marriage'

AshyBekka · #9 10-30-2006, 12:47 PM

I agree with everyone-I think it's important that your family is aware that you two are that serious if his family is. And I agree with Wynelle regarding base housing-if he hasn't gone into the Air Force yet, then there will be a time period of a few months when he'll be in training and won't have access to base housing-my fiance is a Marine, and I know that if we were intending to live on base, there'd be a lot of dealing with waiting lists to get on base, paperwork, etc. etc. Just keep that in mind!

Welcome to Pash though!

birdie · #10 10-30-2006, 01:07 PM

I would definitely let your family know that you intend to marry. Both FH and I told our families that we had found the someone we'd been looking for (and it had only been a couple months at the most!). Let your family know that it's only a matter of time before you are engaged. But, as exciting as it is, I wouldn't start planning the wedding until you are officially engaged.

Congrats on finding your someone!

Marge129 · #11 10-30-2006, 01:44 PM

Ditto to everyone else! Wait until you are officially engaged.

Leslee&Jake · #12 10-30-2006, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by breezy

I agree I would announce your "engagement" until it's official... but there is nothing stopping you from saying "we've taked about our future together" or 'we've talked about marriage'

I agree! I am not engaged yet! But I know Jake is the man I am going to marry! My family knows that I am VERY serious about him and my parents know that Jake and I talk about getting married all the time! Jake's parents know the same.

SO since they all know this, I dont tell them that I am engaged because I will tell them when we get offically engaged!

AngelRoseFyre · #13 10-30-2006, 06:51 PM

First, Welcome to Pash

Second, I agree that you should wait until it's official. You can let them know you are very serious and discussing marriage one day though.

raviepoo · #14 11-04-2006, 06:20 AM

The waters CAN be muddy. I never was engaged. We just started planning our wedding and then poof - we got married. I never had an engagement ring because I told him I would rather spend the money on something we could both enjoy.

Tell you folks whatever you want to. Enjoy your happiness. Worry about the details later, when it's time.

wynelle · #15 11-04-2006, 05:02 PM

RaviePoo- you may never have had a ring, but you were engaged. From the time a couple mutually decides that they are getting married (to each other), technically they are engaged.

I think this is where a lot of confusion lies. Some people think that it requires a ring to be engaged. All it really requires is the mutual decision that there is going to be a marriage. The date doesn't even have to be set. Some couples do prefer to not announce their intentions until there is a ring, or until a date has been set, which is their choice. But once they have agreed that they are to be married, that's engaged.

In Jai's case, they have discussed marriage and even set the date for July 2008. And they have told people they plan to marry, but for some reason her fiance doesn't consider them engaged since he hasn't given her the ring. So I would probably consider them "engaged,"...

Kim&Bob2004 · #16 11-05-2006, 01:01 AM

I think she said he hadn't proposed yet, so my advice is still the same, ring or no ring, what until he proposes.

janeandreawong · #17 11-23-2006, 01:12 PM

wait for the proposal. If you want your family to know about your plans, tell them exactly how you feel about each other and how serious you are. Tell them you are not engaged yet but you are definitely going there -- if that's how you feel. I think you are very excited to get engaged, believe me your wait will definitely worth it.

-------------------
bridesmaidtailor.com

DavidsWife · #18 11-23-2006, 02:49 PM

Jai,

Dave and I got VERY serious in a matter of weeks, I told my mom only because her and I are very close. My dad knew soon after, They liked to Dave and they are such supportive people...We started officially dating Jan 10 of '05, he purposed June 17 of '06. I did tell my parents that we would be getting engaged...It was a year and a half later, I almost wish I didn't because everyone anticipated the engagement, which made me MORE AND MORE bummed out that I hadn't recieved the ring...

Personal Opinion...

Let them know your serious...I wouldn't say anything about getting engaged unless you know you wont be bugged or get bummed when it hasn't happened quite yet...

Buuuuuuuuuut, if you don't mind the questions and they will support your decision ROCK ON!!!! Shout it to the world....

I would suggest making sure they know "your serious".

Good luck hun! Let us know how it goes...

Jayme

Casey's_bride_2007 · #19 12-02-2006, 09:13 PM

I would tell everyone we was talking about getting married within the next year or so. I did the exact opposite. When we decide to get married I told my family.It was kinda funny because it became let's predicet when she gets a ring, and Casey told them before he popped the question.

weddrev · #20 12-04-2006, 06:59 PM

Discuss this matter with your boyfriend. Apparently he is serious since he refers to you as his "future wife".
Explain to him that the part that makes this official is the proposal, not the ring. There are many who have been & are engaged/married without a ring.

So whether he has one in his possession or not, you want to be able to share this with your friends and family. Let him take it from there.