This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by clairon13 on 3/29/05. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.
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posted by clairon13
i hope this isn't too complicated:my dad and i were close while i was growing up, but in the past 5 years, have really had an enormous falling-out. we are still unresolved, although have recently begun talking casually again. i spent 3 1/2 yrs in another state with a family who became my spiritual guidance and lifeline in an extrememly hard time. the husband is like the dad i never had, as he is a christian and as he has been there for me, helping me deal w/ huge battles in my life. my fiance' even asked this man for permission to marry me because of his role in my recent life. while i am glad things are slowly being bettered with my own father, i would very much like to honor this other man, have even considered having him walk me down the aisle. can i do this? my dad and i did not talk for 3 years, so i dont want him to think i am all of a sudden talking to him again only to drop a bombshell on him; however, because of the unresolved issue, i do not know that i actually want him to have that honor. please reply for help or if you need clarification!!!
~misty~
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posted by HeatherR
Personally, I think if you are just now beginning to resolve things with your dad, it would be a slap in the face to have another man walk you down the aisle. Not that I don't understand completely - I do, but I'm playing devil's advocate for a moment.
What I would do is have your father walk you down the aisle, and ask your "spiritual" father to perform a very special reading during the ceremony. You will be giving him a great honor, and he can compose or choose something that represents your relationship very well.
Good luck!
Heather
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posted by suechick
I agree with Heather, I would think your father would be upset, especially if you are trying to resolve things. Things may get resolved by the time of the wedding, or at some point in your life.
Your "spiritual" father sounds like a wonderful man, but I agree a very nice reading or if he can do something that would mean a lot to him, would probably be the way to go.
*sue ;o)
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posted by clairon13
here's another related question, this time about my mom. she was very much a part of the falling-out that my dad and i had. (gotta love dysfunctional family dynamics, eh?) she is still having difficulty talking to me, tho i think in her own way she is really happy for me and excited about the wedding. neither of my parents nor my FIL's parents are paying for the wedding. how can i help involve my mom (and dad, and spiritual mom and dad!!)in meaningful ways that might circumvent normal familial routes that may not be possible b/cs of our strained relationships? could i walk down alone or have a good male friend do it (ie would that be less of a slap in the face than if my spiritual dad does it)? thanks for replying to me!
~misty
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posted by SuzyBride
Due to the fact that there might be hurt feelings, I would probably walk down alone. You might be able to split to FOB duties though. Have your father walk you down the aisle and have the father daughter dance, "spiritual father" do a special reading and make a toast. Or something to that effect. Or you might even could ask your "spiritual father" to get ordained and marry you... just a thought! Good Luck!
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posted by okiekristi79
I agree with every one. I think maybe you should walk alone and include both sets of "parents" in other meaningful ways. Maybe a family prayer, special readings, toasts, etc. Depending on how bad the "falling-out" was and how much of a relationship has been rebuilt, what are your parents expectations about being in your wedding? I would think in a sensitive situation like this you should look at everyones point of view, but decide what is best for you and your soon-to-be husband.
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posted by syringa
There is another option that is increasingly popular with brides who do not have a strong relationship with the father and don't want him to walk them down the aisle, but they don't want to walk entirely alone. The groom enters with the minister at the beginning of the ceremony, then the wedding party enters. The bride starts from the back alone and the groom walks forward to meet her and escort the remaining distance. Couples who do this say that to them it symbolizes walking into their future together. If you do this, the focus is on the two of you and not on the fathers.
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posted by feb-bride
In your situation, I would either walk alone or use syringa's suggestion. I walked down the aisle with my dad, but we're very close.
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posted by clairon13
thanks everyone for the suggestions; i particularly like the one with meeting my fiance' halfway and walking together from there. definitely has a lot of meaningful sentiment in that.
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posted by roseprincess
not to throw more at you but I just read your "uneven bridal party" post... if you're so close to your sisters, why not adapt syringa's suggestion and instead of walking halfway down the aisle alone, walk in escorted by your sisters on either side of you! The groom can meet you halfway and your sisters can then precede you to the "altar". I had my son walk me halfway down the aisle and my groom walk up to meet us like that. After the wedding many people said it was a beautiful gesture and had moved them to tears. I'm guessing that thru all the dysfunction, you and your sisters supported one another and this is another way to give them that recognition.
As for honoring your biological and spiritual parents, there are still lots of ways to include them. Will you have a reading from Scripture? a poem? These are things that your spiritual parents could do. Or, depending on how "religious" your ceremony will be, you could have them step forward after you've taken your vows and have them lay hands on you and your husband and pray a special blessing on your marriage (I've hgad friends who had half a church come up to do this at their wedding). Your biological father can dance with you, your groom can dance with your mom after he dances with his... you can also ask your bio-parents to say a special toast to your marriage after the Best Man's toast... I think that as long as you come up with loving ways to include them, it should be ok. My family is also very dysfunctional and I managed to have a peaceful wedding.
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posted by clairon13
rose-- i LOVE the idea of having my sisters walk me down!! yes, we are extrememly close, and they have been a huge lifeline in my frustrations with both of my parents. seeing as how we are triplets, most people would completely understand them walking me down, not to mention it fixes the uneven attendants thing!!! i am glad you had a peaceful wedding despite family issues <phew> it is a great encouragement. i guess the thing that scares me the most is that things are just so shaky right now w/ them, and when rickey and i do finally get married, i just want it to be a huge, wonderful day of celebration and joy, not regret, and most certainly not one of strife. anyway, thanks for the suggestions. i also mentioned to my FH and he surprisingly loved the idea of meeting me halfway! yay! (he's such a traditionalist that i thought he'd be more inclined to be all-or-nothing). i'm pretty sure he would support my sis's walking me down to meet him!
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posted by helper
If a daughter has a good or OK relationship with her Dad I think that he must be the special person to walk her down the aisle. The idea of taking away that opportunity and even that right for a Dad is very hurtful. Even if there is an OK or loving stepdad in the picture, the stepdad should not be the one who is given that very special "bio" time that means so much to a father.
There are special circumstances I agree but if the Dad has done his best, I don't think that this time should be taken from him. It could be hurtful forever.
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posted by SarahCameron
You know he is your father and will always be. I know you both will always love each other. I think maybe him walking you down the isle will help resolve things faster. A father walking his daughter down the isle is very special to a father. I think it would hurt his feelings if you didn't let him do it. This is just my opinion. I know how much it would have hurt my dad if I chose onother man to walk me down the isle.
Sarah Marie Cameron
tricky walking-me-down situation
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