Stressed... Everything comes in three, right? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

MarthaA562 · #1 10-22-2006, 05:56 AM

So this month has been awful for me. I wrecked my car not once, but twice. Then, my FH up and quit his job (it was a bad, unethical company). This is after we had already signed contracts with the site ($2000 down), caterer ($1000 down) and Jazz band ($800 down). These are just downpayments. He also is adament about buying a house this year and I don't know where this money is all coming from, as we are living off of my paycheck and savings. I still have a year... but I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me. I don't think the house thing is realistic... but he is not budging. How are we going to pay for all of this??? I am just so stressed right now.

He is a construction supervisor and is picking up small jobs... but a lot of days he just goes fishing and lays around the house. I am not a sugar momma!!! I know things have a way of working themselves out... just had to vent.

maroki13 · #2 10-22-2006, 06:07 AM

First of all,

Money can be so stressful!! I can understand you are getting stressed...once you start putting deposits down on everything, you start to realize how much more you are going to have to pay, or what the actual total cost is, and it can get scary!!

To be honest, a house doesn't sound that realistic for you two either right now. Maybe your fiance won't hear that from you, but if he is really serious, tell him to visit a mortgage broker/bank and see what they say. Considering they take into account income, debt-to-income ratio, length of time at your current job, among other things, it may not be feasible for the two of you to get a house right now. So instead of letting yourself get stressed about the house and the fact that your FH won't budge about it- don't worry about it until it becomes more of a reality-i.e. that FH gets a job and can afford a house.

Quote:

I still have a year... but I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me.

Is your FH looking for a job? Maybe start with telling him that you are feeling really stressed financially, and that a lot of the burden of living expenses as well as wedding expenses are falling on your shoulders and that is getting really stressful. Hopefully he'll be really receptive or an opportunity will arise soon so that you can both be contributing to wedding and living expenses so that you won't feel so burdened.

ETA: Just read what you added to your post. I think it is important you talk to him and tell him how stressed you feel financially, because a year is a long time to be continually stressed about wedding and living finances!!!

MarthaA562 · #3 10-22-2006, 06:52 AM

Thank you for your concern... I have told him that I am feeling stressed financially. I just got out of debt, and my credit is not that great, but his is. I know that buying a house is just not going to happen this year, I don't know how it can!! We are footing the bill for the wedding ourselves (around $12000, so far), and that is just a lot in one year!! We are not rich!! But he builds houses and replies that he can't see wasting any more money on rent, rather use it for an asset. I agree, but I don't think we are there yet. I also think that there is an age difference issue... I am 23 and he is 30, so I know that he is feeling like he should be further ahead in life. The majority of his friends own, whereas I am younger and feel that we still have time. I would rather move into a small, cheap apartment to save money after this whole wedding thing until my credit improves and it is reasonable to buy. I know that he wants to "be the man" and buy a house, fix it up (he knows how to... for cheap too) and sell for a profit to get the house that we want. I just want one thing at a time, for sanity purposes. We are required to do counseling with the Methodist Church and they have separate surveys to fill out ( I am sure relating to goals, values, etc.). I have also been thinking about trying relationship counseling, if he will agree. We have lived together for over four years, but the whole time, we split everything down the middle (rent, bills, food, etc.). I know that he has a lot of stock from his parents, but he says he does not want to use that. I have some stock through my work, and he wants me to sell that to pay off some of these things to match his amount. We just need to stop thinking financially separatly, because things are changing now, and we need to do what is right for our future, no matter whose account it comes out of. I think that counseling may help us to quit splitting everything down the middle, and think as one. We still split food costs and everything (I owe him $14 for dinner tonight!!!). I just do not know if he will go. He used to make more than me, now that he is jobless, maybe he will realize that we are here for eachother during both good and bad times, and it is our money... not separate, especially when it comes to large expenses.

maroki13 · #4 10-22-2006, 07:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarthaA562

I know that he has a lot of stock from his parents, but he says he does not want to use that. I have some stock through my work, and he wants me to sell that to pay off some of these things to match his amount.

Do you mean to match his amount that he is putting towards the wedding? Or the house?

Regardless, if he makes significantly more money than you (and it sounds like he used to, and now you do because he isn't working), than it doesn't seem like you should have to contribute equal amounts. You should each contribute what you can afford, and I don't think it seems right that he would ask you to sell your stock to pay an equal amount when he refuses to sell his stock to use for things (wedding, bills, house, etc.). That is just my personal opinion....please don't take offense!!

And I don't think that relationship/couples counseling is a bad idea....I believe people can always benefit from it. Unless you are planning on continuing to split everything 50/50 after you are married, it is a good idea to start discussing finances and imagining what "joint finances" looks like to both of you.

I understand about wanting to buy a house badly and feeling he is wasting money on rent.....DH felt that way for a long time. But it is a good idea to save money up, if you live in a small apartment after the wedding. Better than wanting a house so badly that you finance one you can't afford and have to start paying other bills on a credit card.

ETA: Also remind your fiance about all the extra money associated with owning a house instead of renting...not just mortage payments, but house insurance, much higher energy bills, house taxes, garbage fees, etc....they all add up substantially. I'm sure he can fix up a house quickly and well to make a profit (and it is a good thing, we are going to start investing in real estate!!!), but now may not be the right time for a two of you, and it seems like you understand that but he seems hell-bent on buying a house anyway.

Heather · #5 10-22-2006, 04:11 PM

I agree with everything Maroki has said so I'm just going to add my two cents which will probably echo hers.

I'm 5 years older than my husband and it was important to me to not push him to make a life for which he wasn't ready. I've wanted a house for a long time and thought that we could afford it. We could - but guess what? At that time, the houses we could afford we didn't want. We didn't want to be in a house just for the sake of being in a house. We wanted something that we loved, that we both loved. After being patient for two years, paying for our wedding, saving a lot of money (over 20K), we were finally ready to start looking. That didn't mean were going to buy, but we could start thinking about it. Luckily we found a home we knew we could afford and managed to get an amazing deal on it. (Owners had already found their new home and were ready to sell.)

My point in saying all of that is so that you can maybe explain to your FH that you don't want to settle on a house just to get in one. Make a plan that works for both of you. I know you feel like you have a lot of time, and you do, but think of his feelings too. At his age he probably does feel that he's a little behind if all of his friends are buying homes, but if he's doing it out of "peer pressure", financially it could be a disaster and you could both end up in deeper in debt than you ever expected. As Maroki said, you have not only the mortgage but home insurance, taxes, garbage removal, water, and miscellaneous unexpected expenses that could be in the thousands.

As for sharing living expenses, you should be contributing less overall. I can say though, that I have a hard time with this. Mike's new job puts him at making almost twice as much as I do, and I do really well. I'm still insisting on paying half of everything and that's just a pride thing that I need to get over. Suze Orman has a great plan for this exact situation and I would suggest picking up her book: The Laws of Money, The Lessons of Life.

Leslee&Jake · #6 10-22-2006, 05:22 PM

I hope everything will work out for you. Jake wants us to buy a house he is 27 and I am 22 so I like you still think that we have time. I am pretty sure that we will be paying for our wedding by ourselves too. I would like to have a house but I know that right now that isnt possible but we still go a look at houses in the area that have an open house and everything just so we can get an idea of what we can afford. I also know that if you are able to put down 25% on a house you can get a loan with out the banks looking at your credit. (at least you can do that in Chicago) Jake seems to me to be in a hurry to get a house of our own. I sat him down the other day and told him, I am a student I dont have a steady income because I serve only on the weekends, We dont know how much money I will make when I graduate and we dont know where I will get a job at, I then told him that we need to stop looking at houses because that is not going to happen for us for a little while. We argued about this a little bit but after a while he saw the situation for what it was and we figured it out.

I know that wasnt any advice but I thought it kinda related. I think conseling is a good idea because it is a neutral thing that lets the issues come out and be talked about.

I just want to wish you good luck with all this!!

MarthaA562 · #7 10-22-2006, 08:39 PM

Joe has refused any kind of counseling, saying if anything, I need the financial counseling. I moved out of the house when I was 17 (dysfunctional family) with all of my clothes in a trash bag to a new city 3 hours from my home. I worked very hard to get the salaried management positition that I have right now. But, I just got out of debt, and am now rebuilding credit. He comes from a rich family and everything has been handed to him on a silver platter. I think that we just have different values, as far as work ethics. He keeps saying that he wants to buy a house and pay for this wedding... but has no job and is living off of the savings (for the house and wedding) and goes fishing everyday!!! While I am working 40+ hours a week. I told him that the pressure of trying to do two major expenses in one year is putting too much stress on me, and it does not help that he has put no effort into finding a job. He does not believe in counseling... so I don't know what to do. I may have said too much when I told him that it worries me that he did not have a job the first 6 months that we were together (his parents supported him... he was 26 years old!!) and that he just quit a job with no notice or back up plan. Also, he was able to go to college, something that was not a possibility for me, although I dream about going to school. He is not doing anything with his business management degree. he wants to get his contractors license, has the books to study, but watches Simpsons and fishes instead. I told him that I felt insecure with his work ethics... that he has made no effort to better himself, has set no personal goals for himself, and that worries me, especially with his lavish tastes. If he wants to live the life he dreams of, he needs to make an effort to get there... I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should not have said all of that, but I was just being honest... and now he won't talk to me... I have the tendency to be too honest sometimes, and sometimes it bites me in the butt.

Heather · #8 10-22-2006, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarthaA562

Maybe I should not have said all of that, but I was just being honest... and now he won't talk to me... I have the tendency to be too honest sometimes, and sometimes it bites me in the butt.

Don't ever apologize for being honest - you need to be. I hate saying this, but you need to figure out if you can live with someone who has his work ethic (or lack thereof). Finances are also the number one cause of divorce so if you don't work this out before you get married, you're in for one hell of a ride. My opinion is to get counseling now and if he won't go - I would say see-ya. Being financially secure is something that's very, very important to me. (I also grew up poor and while it took me a while, I know the value of a dollar.) Get it fixed now girl.

maroki13 · #9 10-22-2006, 10:06 PM

I agree with everything that Heather said.

Maybe he is so upset by your honesty because he knows it is true, and it touches a raw nerve. You say he was raised priviledged, and being given everything, and that his parents continue to support him when he doesn't have a job. Unless I am misunderstanding, his parents aren't giving him what he most wants right now.....a house. He probably doesn't know what to do and isn't accustomed to having to work for things, so he is replacing his parents (who have always provided for him when he needed) with you (who is now providing for him), and you are feeling all the financial burden and stress.

You say that you've been together for 4 years. Can I ask how often his work ethic/lack thereof has been an issue? You said when you first started dating he didn't have a job for 6 months and was supported by his parents. Did he consistently have a job after that until recently?

I have to say that work ethic isn't something people will develop if they are handed everything they want, for the most part. It would seem your FH has been handed things most of his life, instead of being required to work for them. Like Heather said, I would ask yourself if this is continue you can continue to struggle with in your relationship. Do you want to continually bear the financial burden when he decides he doesn't want to work or contribute to the household? Have you asked him if he DID buy a house this year, would he guarantee he would keep a job to cover the mortage payments, or would you pay them if he decided not to work?

I am sure this is a really stressful time. It seems you two are losing a giant opportunity to work out financial issues when your DH refuses to go to counseling. I'm not sure if it would help if you went to counseling without him, since the financial issues are joint, not yours individually.

555Ann555 · #10 10-22-2006, 10:55 PM

I'm not very financially stable myself at the moment so I didn't want to pitch in on the financial advice, but I did want to agree that you shouldn't have to apologize for saying the things that need to be said.

If you were just explaining your worries you shouldn't even think about taking it back. I'd be careful about even saying sorry for how you went about it because I know from experience that can be taken as saying sorry for the content rather than the tone!

If I was in your shoes (and I have been a couple of times with my rather uncommunicative husband) I'd give him some time to mull it all over & realize that you were serious. This is an important issue for your relationship.

I don't think the world hinges on counseling, but if you think it'd help you with your personal growth then maybe it's something you should do for yourself rather than together.

Looking at this from the outside it sounds like something you can work on if he can get his head around the fact that dreams are great, but you need to line up the practical steps before you can reach for your dreams.

Could you handle always being the one who has to push?

MarthaA562 · #11 10-23-2006, 12:40 AM

Well, I did point out to him that no one will preapprove us for a house without him having a job, regardless of his great credit. I think I may just ride this one out and let him deal with it... then reality may just hit him. He just put in 6 resumes after I told him all of this... so maybe what I said made him think.

AngelRoseFyre · #12 10-23-2006, 01:02 AM

Hopefully that will work. Good luck

Heather · #13 10-23-2006, 01:30 AM

Maybe he just needs a wake-up call. I'm sure on some level he knows you can't get a home if he doesn't have a job, and maybe he really didn't realize how much you've been stressed out thinking about all of this. Hopefully this will be his moment where he turns things around for the better.

Good luck and we're here for you!

michandmitch · #14 10-23-2006, 02:24 PM

I know what it is like. FH and I are living with my parents at the moment and we really want to buy a house but it is just not feasable at the moment. We both lost our jobs a year ago, and even though we were both able to find employment we are making about $25K less a year (combined).

We always had separate bank accounts and split everything down the middle and I finally decided I had enough of that. We just got a joint account and now it is "our" money instead of his money and my money. That was kinda hard for me to do because it really was that one last thing I had that gave me my independence. I just had to tell myself that if I was ready to get married then I had to be ready to give up a little of my independence.

Good luck to you and I hope it all works out.

feb-bride · #15 10-23-2006, 03:02 PM

Your FH sounds like a spoiled little rich boy who is used to having everyone cater to his whims. Can you live the rest of your life like that?

I know my husband is far from perfect, but he would never expect me to carry the entire financial burden while he sat at home and watched TV or went fishing. My husband would not feel like a man if he acted like this.

ohiobride · #16 10-23-2006, 03:35 PM

Your pointing out to him about not being able to be approved for a mortgage without him having a job is probably the best thing...at least if he has this goal of wanting to own a house, he knows there is something HE has to do for it. Good luck!

MarthaA562 · #17 10-24-2006, 01:08 AM

Well, he is actively looking for jobs now that I said something. He is also taking his contractors license, but with that you have to have money to make money. My DR put me on klonopins to deal with the stress (I have other family and work related stress on top of that) for a couple of weeks. And I have lost about 6 lbs b/c of stress. He is beginning to realize the stress that he is causing me. We have a meeting with the officiant to go over our values and goals in life, so maybe the counseling will help. I still want to go to counseling before we get married anyways. We were raised two different ways, but I want to make sure that we have the same ambitions and values.

DragonYoga · #18 10-24-2006, 02:44 PM

I'm way late in posting, but I think you made the right choice in telling him point blank what was up. At least now he's realizing that his choices do have an effect on you, whether he likes it or not.

I'm happy to hear that things are maybe on the turnaround!

And hon? EAT! go get a nice big tub of icecream and pig out while he's out fishing!

Leslee&Jake · #19 10-24-2006, 02:48 PM

Good Luck with everything!!

DavidsWife · #20 10-27-2006, 02:50 PM

Awww Martha!

Iam sorry to hear your having a crappy month! (I know how u feel)

I hope things start to work out for the two of you!

Big hugs! Hopeing u feel better!

Jayme

Emily · #21 10-27-2006, 04:42 PM

Ohhh babe I am sorry that you are going through all this!

Damon used to be the same, he would always say 'lets buy this, and lets go on a holiday to here' but he would only bother turning up to work a couple of times a week and then get pissed off when we couldnt do all the things he wanted to! He was so unrealistic about everything it used to drive me mad!

But I suppose some of it was my fault because I used to control all the finances so he never really got to see what we were paying out or even how much things cost, so I finally started explaining everything to him and now we do most of the expenses together, we atleast work out our budget together at the beginning of the month and now he fully understands and is very realistic about everything! Its been a complete turnaround - thank god!!!!!

Anyway try not to stress - hopefully he gets something soon!

Sending you lots of love

VenusElaine · #22 11-05-2006, 01:50 AM

Finances are one of the biggest reasons marriages fail.

Rob and I have been together over three years, and he is just beginning to understand what "things" (rent, utilites, gas, car insurance, parking, clothing, furbabies, beer, cigarettes) cost. At first, I took care of everything (and stressed every day!

) Now we sit down every two weeks when we are paid and I show him all the bills, how much money we have, and how to rob Peter to pay Paul. Sometimes they have to see it to believe it. He didn't hold a steady job at first either, but he has finally found one he likes and will stick with.
We are both in our "middle" years (40's) but I am confident that we will attain our goals because we are now on the same page. Sometimes you just have to beat them over the head with it

because they are men, after all.

VenusElaine

Kim&Bob2004 · #23 11-05-2006, 02:12 AM

I take care of bill paying too, and it has been stressful dealing with that this last month, and this one too. We use to have savings, but medical bills that were unexpected ate up that. So I wanted to say that I understand your stress, I am often showing Bob my worksheets (I love managing money to a point and can spend days doing it!).

I agree, premarital counseling is going to be good for you both.

This may sound old fashioned, but men need to work to feel like men. Men that don't work get low self esteem. They have to do something with their day. Even if it is volunteering at the hospital, school etc., if a job is not needed.

The first year we were married I didn't work. It was advice given to me by many friends and my mom and for my situation it worked. It allowed me to get settled into a new town, new home and new life. I have worked my whole life (except for a injury which nearly tore my right arm off when I was off for 7 months) and had to adjust to not working, but it made me make the choice to finish my degree instead of treading water in school and other stuff too. But it also showed Bob that HE could be the sole support of his family. It boosted his ego (I love boosting his ego in sweet and beneficial ways!) and allowed him to gain a view of himself that he might have been unsure about. I do not regret those 12 months. Two or three weeks before our anniversary I started looking for work, without telling Bob (at first he didn't want me working but said if I wanted to to go ahead!) and by the time we celebrated I had a call and an interview scheduled and started the new job the first of November. So it was all good!

Sorry so long winded, point is, I think your man needs to get a job, kudos to you for encouraging him. Sometimes men just have to have someone believe in them too, and sometimes they like to know that their women need them to be men.

MarthaA562 · #24 11-05-2006, 06:22 AM

Update...
He is signed up to get his contractor's license in December. Until then, he has some jobs lined up. He is actively looking for a job, but sustainable earth and quality building is very important to him. There are just so many bad building companies that care more about quantity than quality, and he is very detail oriented. In the meantime, we are having counseling through our pastor (even though he is an athiest, we are just taking God out of it... the program is great and focuses on values, the way we were raised, etc.) and I bought a couple of books.