This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by Tosca on 1/14/04. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.
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posted by Tosca
I was wondering if anyone had suggestions for remembering the deceased brother of my fiance in the ceremony. If he was still with us, he would have been the best man. We have thought about placing his name as one of the groomsmen, but I am not sure if that would be appropriate. Any thoughts?
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posted by wynelle
A mention/dedication in the program... it seems his death was recent, so to be honest, you don't want to draw too much attention to this. A wedding is a joyous occasion, and you don't want your guests and family to have sad memories encroaching their enjoyment of your celebration. Perhaps a toast to his memory during the reception?
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posted by HeatherR
Hi Tosca, I think it's sweet you would like to honor your fiance's deceased brother. I agree with Wynelle. I would place a special dedication in the program, but I would not list him as a Groomsmen. Please don't take offense but I think that would be a little too much, and some guests may even be confused if you know what I mean.
In my program, I had a "Special Memories" section that listed my deceased father and grandparents, and my husbands grandfather.
Heather
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posted by Tosca
Thank you for the suggestions. I do want to have a joyful wedding and what you have suggested will enhance the celebration!! Thank you.
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posted by syringa
If the brother would have served as best man, you can list him in the program and "honorary best man....the late (name), brother of the groom." Those who are acquainted with the groom's family will surely know about the situation so it wouldn't seem odd to honor the brother in this manner.
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posted by lilhoney1976
I also agree with the idea of the special dedication.You can also have a candle lit in rememberance of him. Oh, and I don't know if this is too morbid for you but here's another one:I was watching the "Real Weddings from the Knot" marathon yesterday on the Oxygen Channel yesterday and one of the grooms' father died about a month before the wedding.His father was going to be his best man. So what they did was set a place for his father at the table for the reception with his place card.If I'm not mistaken, I think they also had a candle there, but, don't quote me on that. Anyway, I thought that was very touching. It kept his spirit alive and was almost as if he had been right there with them.I thought it was lovely. By the way, I'm sorry for you and your fiance's loss and may God bless you.
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posted by hgirl
My husband's dad is deceased and everyone told me the same thing that it would be "morbid" to draw attention to the fact that he dad couldn't be there.
In the invitation whre it listed the parent's names I put (husband's name) son of the late (dad's name) and (stepdad and moms name) of course your not going to put his brother on the invitation but the point being that no matter what people are going to be thinking of his brother that day you have a choice of either doing it in a way that will validate your fiances feelings or to try to ignore it. If you try to ignore it the more likely it's gonna be dwelled on.
By the way everyone that told me not to do it came to me in tears after the ceremony to tell me how much it meant. Including some of his family I didn't even know
One idea that you could do is release a balloon that had his brothers name and the title best man on it outside after the ceremony
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posted by feb-bride
I wouldn't release a balloon. You never know where the balloon will end up landing, and an animal could choke on it. Also, balloons are bad for the environment because they aren't biodegradable.
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posted by wynelle
Another poster mentioned the "empty seat at the reception" idea a while back, and the response was that it was a bit morbid. And how do you get him to pass the salt. sorry, ghastly humor... but empty seats really emphasize the absence, and that makes people sad. You don't want or need that kind of sad at a wedding reception.
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posted by feb-bride
You are wicked, Wynelle!
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posted by catina
That was me that was thinking of doing that. We never did end up doing that. We thought about it and decided it would be too sad and morbid to see an empty place at the table. And, Wynelle, never mind who would pass the salt, who would pass the wine!! Humour is good!
We went for the subtle "flowers at the altar have been placed in loving memory of those no longer with us but remain in our hearts forever", in our program.
I was very happy I did it that way instead of the empty seat at the table. My daughter also at first wanted an empty spot at the head table for her brother, but she also decided against it. We don't need to "do" anything to remember those who we love and have lost, nor does anyone at the wedding need to be reminded, especially during such a joyous occasion!. That's my personal take on it and believe me when I say, we didn't take this decision lightly when our daughter and us were faced with it. There's a time a place for everything.
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posted by munchkin
my FH and I are contemplating leaving an empty seat at the ceremony with what would have been his mother's corsage on it, but we're not quite sure about how it would look, as his sister didn't do that for her wedding and we haven't seen it before.
However, I'm a morbid person, so things that don't bother me might bother others.
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posted by asyouwish
I would suggest adding something to the ceremony - a short statement of love for the deceased or a moment of silence, or light a candle, ring a bell. Something meaningful but small that honors the loss, but does not draw attention from the joy of the moment.
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posted by bebe0315
My fiance's brother (who would have served as his best man) and my grandfather will be the people who will be most missed at our wedding ceremony. Although it has been several years since they passed away, we still plan to honor them, for our own comfort, by displaying some photographs and lighting a candle in their memory. We aren't going to make a big fuss of it or announce or anything, it will just be a part of a table that we plan to have set up with family photos and wedding photos.
http://www.ariacandles.com/permemcanset.html
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posted by mskay
I believe and feel that the loss of a loved one should be remembered. But it should be done in a subtle way. I recently attended my girlfriends wedding and the best man talked for over 30 minutes about the loss of their father, (best man & the groom are brothers) there wasn't a dry eye at the reception. I, as well as others felt that it really put a shadow over what was suppose to be a joyous occasion. My heart truly felt for the bride. I have heard that some carry a special memento with them during the ceremony. It saddens us all deeply when someone so dear is unable to be with us on such a monumental occasion, but I'm sure that if the departed could relay a message, that message would be one of love and a deep desire to have nothing but joy & happiness on the wedding day.
I myself, as well as my FH will be missing someone on our special day as well. Although his father & my mother will not be there, we know that their love will be.
We will have two candles burning throughout the ceremony and reception, no words will be said. Instead we chose to place a poem in our programs and to carry our loved ones in our hearts on our wedding day.
I'd like to share what we have written for our parents:
They Are With Us
You'll see two candles burning
On this our special day,
These candles burn with love,
These candles burn with pride,
For the Father of the Groom,
And the Mother of the Bride.
Tosca I'd like to extend my condolences.
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posted by mrsyarwood2b
Mskay, this is beautiful!
My FH and I are honoring our deceased grandmothers by having our mothers light candles in memorium when they are seated (We decided against a unity candle). We also put a short dedication in the program to make people aware of the significance.
Aimee "Yarwood"
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Remembering deceased brother...
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