Wedding invitation etiquette - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

jjf217 · #1 10-06-2006, 11:20 PM

I have a good friend (we used to be best friends but I moved out of state, but we kept in touch) who invited me to her wedding, but said I could not bring a guest because she is paying for the wedding herself and it costs too much. I find this VERY offensive and rude. I believe there is one other person asked "not to bring a guest", but other than that, mutual other friends are bringing their significant others.

Is this rude or is it okay for her to do? SHould I just not go and save her the money of my attendance and that woul dbe my wedding gift to her?

Sharon Naylor · #2 10-09-2006, 04:01 PM

It all depends on what her individual 'rule' is. Some brides and grooms with huge guest lists have to make the difficult decision to cut out And Guests so that they can invite all of their closest loved ones. Etiquette has bent a little to allow brides and grooms to make a ruling that only guests who are engaged or in serious, long-term relationships can bring dates, and that's a tough thing for adult guests who aren't in long-term relationships (it opens up a big question: what do you consider long-term or serious?).

So if you're in a relationship and you haven't been given an 'And Guest,' that would be on the rude side.

Old-world etiquette answered this one nicely for so long -- all adult guests get an 'and Guest.' Since etiquette has softened, we have these kinds of questionable decisions going on.

Whatever the case, it's completely up to you whether you want to attend the wedding or not. But I'd advise you to base your decision on your relationship with your friend, not this And Guest thing. This might have been a necessity she wasn't happy about, so just give her the benefit of the doubt if you'd like to keep the relationship strong.

If you decide not to go to the wedding, it's up to you if you'd like to send her a wedding gift. It's not an obligation, but many people do send a little gift if they can't attend the wedding.

Sorry to hear that you're in this position, since I know how upsetting it can be to feel like a friend has been rude to you.

Leslee&Jake · #3 10-09-2006, 04:49 PM

That is a little rude if she is just singleing out 2 people. I am not sure of the circumstances exactly but it seems to me in the scheme of things the cost of 2 extra people wouldnt impact the total $$ too much!

I think if I were in this situation I would be very upset that she said that to me. I would never have the guts to tell someone they couldnt bring a date. I think it is a good thing because then you have someone to talk to incase you dont know anyone else and someone to dance with. It just makes everything a little more comfortable for your guests.

I would just send her a gift in the mail and not attend. That is rude of her.

Laurie · #4 10-09-2006, 05:05 PM

I so totally agree with Leslee on this one..!!

If I didn't go and wanted to send a gift.. It wouldn't be too extravagant either but I would send a gift rather than money...

Those are my personal thoughts and feelings...

Heather · #5 10-09-2006, 05:17 PM

I think the guest is being rude in this case. It's expensive to host a wedding, I've done it. While we invited all of our guests with "And guest" if they so choose, I can see how the financial side of things can make you limit your guest list.

If you do not have a significant other, you don't need to be invited with a guest and it's not rude of the bride and groom to invite just you.

I really think that if this is a good friend and you're taking this kind of attitude: "Not go and let that be her gift" then you may just be doing her a favor by not attending.

Laurie · #6 10-09-2006, 05:22 PM

I just re-read the first post and...

maybe JJF has a significant other or in a long term relationship .. there is no mention of one though...

SHould I just not go and save her the money of my attendance and that woul dbe my wedding gift to her? <<< a tad bit harsh to say I think

Heather · #7 10-09-2006, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurie

maybe JJF has a significant other or in a long term relationship .. there is no mention of one though...

That's the key, if she has a SO, then he/she should be invited of course. If they haven't been in touch for a while, it's possible the bride doesn't know of the SO and should be informed.

It's hard to give advice when you don't have all the information.

Laurie · #8 10-09-2006, 05:36 PM

Your sooo right Heather!

Leslee&Jake · #9 10-09-2006, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjf217

SHould I just not go and save her the money of my attendance and that woul dbe my wedding gift to her?

I skipped over that part. not going is not a wedding gift. You are friends and you should be happy that she is getting married. if you are not comfortable going on your own then send a gift.

I DO think it is rude if she is only singleing (that spelling doesnt look right) 2 guests to not have a date.

AngelRoseFyre · #10 10-09-2006, 08:07 PM

I am kinda half and half on this one. I think it is rude of the bride, that she invited many people who could invite significant others, but singles out 2 that couldn't. I do see that as rude.

However she did say 'guest' so if you are not in a serious relationship and just want to bring a date, or a friend, I can see where the bride is coming from.

In terms the gift being not going so she can save some money, I think that is rude as well. I would at leat send her some sort of gift, if you choose not to attend.

labeadel · #11 10-09-2006, 10:00 PM

The guests at our wedding only got to bring a date if:

1. The didn't know anybody else there besides DH and me.

2. They were in a relationship/married.

Otherwise, guests did not get to bring a guest.

Emily · #12 10-10-2006, 09:02 AM

I'm with Heather on this one!

My view is that its their wedding, they are paying for it, they can invite whoever they want whether its with a partner or not, that is at their discretion!

Obviously the guest has never had to plan a wedding!

Whoever this guest is you should just be grateful that you have been invited - but if I was the bride I wouldnt want you to come with that attitude!