fiance's children hate me - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

fletcher · #1 10-06-2006, 03:25 AM

We are 46 we've been together 2 3/4 yr and will be married on Jan 19,2006.
I'm very excited and so are my children 9, 14 and 18. My ex is very happy for me. my ex is a drug addict who has been sober on and off since the divorce.divorced for 7 yrs. he has overdosed, been in a coma and had to have his arm amputated. He cheated with both men and women on me. I have not talked down about him because he is my kids dad. when you cut down the dad the kids think you are cutting down them. We get along great, We know he has a disease Life is too short to blame others and be a victem.
But after finally learning to be by myself and not need a man I met my soul mate he was my daughter and my KB instructor, unfortanately he was married, so we were friend then after 5 months we became interested in more and with in 3 week he left his wife, so I am an adaultres SP? So she tells the kids how evil I am. he still is in their lifes.He has 5 kids 12yr twin, 14, 16, 19 yr The oldest has accepted us possibly the 16 yr but the rest refuse to be anywhere near me. I want my kids to be involved in the wedding, Mr is a fantastic father to them i dont think i can involve them if his come they might feel slighted I'm sure the dont want anything to do with the wedding but they still might come. I wish they would stand up withthir father and be part of the family, HAS ANYONE EVER GONE THRU THIS???

Heather · #2 10-06-2006, 03:55 AM

Sounds like a sticky situation. I'm guessing you're getting married in January of 2007 right? (Jan 19, 2006 has already passed.)

Before I go on, welcome to Pash.

There are a lot of ladies planning second marriages and many of us have been through hell and back a few times ourselves. With that said, I can see why the kids would be upset whether or not their Mom has been saying anything. You and their father broke apart their world when he left his wife and children for you. What I think you need to do for the sake of ALL of the kids involved is wait a while longer before you get married. In the span of five months all of their lives had been turned upside down. That's barely time to get through knowing Mom and Dad are over, let alone having Dad be with someone else for the next couple of years. They probably hold you accountable, and in a way you are. Well, you definitely are, but so is your fiance.

Give the kids time to get to know you and your children before plunging them down this road with you. If you give them that opportunity, you may find that they would love to participate in the joining of the families.

Good luck, and keep us posted. We're always here if you need to talk or vent.

Complicated Woman · #3 10-06-2006, 04:28 AM

I think that in this situation, it would be nearly impossible for these kids not to resent you whether his ex said anything or not. To them, you are the woman who unraveled their world and their family. Now, I am sure that it was coming apart before you entered the picture, but you can hardly expect these kids who've just lost their family to understand that.

I agree with Heather and think you might want to give it some more time if you really want them to be involved with the wedding. Three months just seems too soon to me.

(But January 19th sounds like a great day to get married! My date, too!)

feb-bride · #4 10-06-2006, 06:58 AM

I have some personal experience in this type of situation. However, I was not in your shoes - I was in the shoes of your fiance's children. My dad and mom split up when I was a senior in high school; my dad left my mom for another woman.

I wanted NOTHING to do with that woman. True, my mom did bash her and my dad, but it had nothing to do with what my mom said. At the ages that your fiance's kids are, they generally believe that they are the center of the universe, and that any decisions that their parents make are only thought of in terms of how the KID is affected.

I didn't actually meet the woman who is now my step-mom until almost a year after my parents split up. I simply had NO INTEREST in meeting her. In my eyes, she wrecked my family, and I wanted NO PART of her.

Then, I was forced to meet her on Christmas Eve (my 18th birthday). I tried really hard to hate her, and I succeeded for a little while. As I got to know her, however, I started to realize that she was not the horrible monster I wanted her to be. Now, I have to say that not only do I consider her a very close friend, but I can even see why my dad left my mom for her.

They waited for a LONG time to get married, though (over five years after my dad officially got together with her). I'm not sure if I would have been so quick to accept her if they'd rushed into getting married.

My point? The kids might hate you now, but that won't necessarily last. But - I probably wouldn't marry him so quickly. I would probably wait for at least another six months to a year to give the kids time to adjust. This is just my opinion, though.

DragonYoga · #5 10-06-2006, 12:51 PM

I agree with everyone else. I'm the child of divorce, and my situation was similar, but a little more unique. My mom left dad for another woman. Of course, I was 8 or 9 at the time, and thought mom and stefani were just friends living together. Stefani even had her own room for appearances. Then when I was 11, Mom told me they were together. I was FLOORED.

If I had known right from the first, I would have hated stefani with a passion. But I don't, I see her as a 2nd mom, even though she and my mom are split up now.

And, it *is* a bit too fast to be rushing into marriage. I've been with my FH for almost a year, and we have been engaged since May. Our wedding isn't until Dec. of 2007. We can wait - we have the rest of our lives. So, why rush?

Since he is your soul mate, why not wait? Wait a year, even 2. By then his kids should be a little more accepting of you and the fact their dad is with you now.

We're here for you of course!

maroki13 · #6 10-06-2006, 01:52 PM

Quote:

And, it *is* a bit too fast to be rushing into marriage. I've been with my FH for almost a year, and we have been engaged since May. Our wedding isn't until Dec. of 2007. We can wait - we have the rest of our lives. So, why rush?

I'm a little confused by this and all you ladies saying she is rushing into this. Didn't she say that they had been together for almost three years (2 3/4 years) ???

I agree with what you are saying about the children and their feelings, I'm just not getting the "rushing into it" part unless I am reading her post wrong.

Heather · #7 10-06-2006, 01:55 PM

I think it took 5 months for him to leave his wife, then they were together for over 2 years without the youngest of the kids having anything to do with her. At least that's how I'm interpreting... I suggested waiting until the younger kids come around & get to know her better like the oldest seems to be.

DragonYoga · #8 10-06-2006, 02:15 PM

Yea, I was gonna edit my post. I forgot for a min. that they'd been together for longer than 5 mos.!

I'm tired, sue me!

Still, wait a while longer, it'll be better that way in the long run.

Complicated Woman · #9 10-06-2006, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

I suggested waiting until the younger kids come around & get to know her better like the oldest seems to be.

Ditto, I definitely don't think they're rushing in general -- but if right now the youngest ones won't even speak to her, odds are that they won't get there within the next three months, in time for the wedding to be a special time for the entire family.

Sorry if that was unclear, Fletcher!

(I think they'll come around, too, just give it time!)

feb-bride · #10 10-06-2006, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maroki13

I'm a little confused by this and all you ladies saying she is rushing into this. Didn't she say that they had been together for almost three years (2 3/4 years) ???

I missed that part, but considering the circumstances, I still think they should wait a bit longer. My dad and step-mom were officially together for five years before they got married. At that point, they figured if we weren't going to come around, we never would.

fletcher · #11 10-06-2006, 03:47 PM

He has been seperated and divorced for almost 3 years the same as the amount of time we have been together. The kids have known the same amount of time. He lived on his own until last Jan 06 then moved in with us. And your corect the wedding is Jan 2007. Its a scary thing to write about so I wasnt proofing I do feel guilty, I do understand I want kids to forgive just for themselves. I don't want them to have a life of hating thier Dad. I know what it's like to hate your dad and when you can confront them and love them for who they are ( they dont do things to hurt "you" )your own life will be able to move on. I'm going to stop for now Thanks

fletcher · #12 10-06-2006, 03:55 PM

This helped thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

I have some personal experience in this type of situation. However, I was not in your shoes - I was in the shoes of your fiance's children. My dad and mom split up when I was a senior in high school; my dad left my mom for another woman.

I wanted NOTHING to do with that woman. True, my mom did bash her and my dad, but it had nothing to do with what my mom said. At the ages that your fiance's kids are, they generally believe that they are the center of the universe, and that any decisions that their parents make are only thought of in terms of how the KID is affected.

I didn't actually meet the woman who is now my step-mom until almost a year after my parents split up. I simply had NO INTEREST in meeting her. In my eyes, she wrecked my family, and I wanted NO PART of her.

Then, I was forced to meet her on Christmas Eve (my 18th birthday). I tried really hard to hate her, and I succeeded for a little while. As I got to know her, however, I started to realize that she was not the horrible monster I wanted her to be. Now, I have to say that not only do I consider her a very close friend, but I can even see why my dad left my mom for her.

They waited for a LONG time to get married, though (over five years after my dad officially got together with her). I'm not sure if I would have been so quick to accept her if they'd rushed into getting married.

My point? The kids might hate you now, but that won't necessarily last. But - I probably wouldn't marry him so quickly. I would probably wait for at least another six months to a year to give the kids time to adjust. This is just my opinion, though.

DragonYoga · #13 10-06-2006, 06:42 PM

I wish I could help more than a hug but.

breezy · #14 10-06-2006, 06:49 PM

This is a hard one for me to answer too. I'm a step mom, even though we don't use that term in our house. ( we use bonus-mom, bonus-daughters ect...)
1st I want to say that anything we each write is our own opinions and vastly colored by our own lives
2nd I want to say that I can see how sensitive the subject is, and how vulnerable you must feel. I can also say that I've never seen anyone intentionally try to hurt another on this site, so bear with us all you (a stranger) are asking a difficult 1st question

Having said that
My gut says that you need to be working on building a relationship and a family relationship that includes his kids.
I've been with my DH for 5 years (married less than 2 months) He's been divorced for 7 years. Our ex (I consider her mine too since she is the mother of my kids) isn't the nicest or emotionally/mentally healthiest person. There have been vile, nasty, illegal things and situations that she has done/created. (and continues to create)
My prime relationship is with my hubby. I choose him, and choose to have a relationship with each of his daughters. Those relationships can and do stand on their own, separate from the others. Those same relationships allow us to forge a family, family identity and familial relationship.
Because there is an EX, and we share custody of the kids; I have a relationship with her too. To be honest it has a life of it's own. It cycles. We are far more civil than her and my DH, but when she isn't on her meds it's increasingly difficult.
A relationship is between 2 people, and only those 2 people. Your FI is responsible for his relationship with his children, and you yours with them.

It sounds like for the most part your struggle comes from your feeling that they hate you and your feeling that you are inhibiting their relationship with their father. 1st and foremost, while you may be PART of the root cause, it is ultimately between their father and each of them individually re: that part of the relationship.

What is the court ordered custody/visitation?

as for the basic question you're asking. Have I been through this? Nope, I've been blessed with my relationship with the girls. (I've worked hard at it too)

All you can do is ask at this point. They can't own that anger at being "slighted" if they choose not to participate.

You can also create a situation available that will include them should they change their minds. (i.e. don't pick matching dresses, or dresses that have to be ordered... that way you won't be scrambling at the last minute should someone decide they want to participate)
I would certainly advise that your FI, their father make it clear his desire that they attend and participate (if that's his desire) but then it's their choice.
You could also think about having some part of the ceremony be a family blending that includes all the kids and parents.

Between now and the wedding I would suggest setting up a family date day at least 1x a month and doing something short (to start) inexpensive and sure to create memories with all the kids, you and FI.
You might have to disappear with your kids for part of the day so they don't feel invaded and they learn to accept your home as theirs too. Then appear and have a family event:
We started with picnics, hikes, family movie night, family game night (bingo, uno, ect..) roller skating, bowling, frisbee, mini golf ect...
My feeling is that you need to build memories... take lots of pictures of these events and post them around your house. Make sure you have pictures of his kids all over the house. (when they do decide to come, they will feel loved and missed)
Make birthdays and holidays you share special and start new traditions together.
Ask them or FI what their favorite foods are and cook those when they are with you. (at least to start... you can help them adjust)

This is as much about his relationship with the children as yours... you can't control his, but you can control and make efforts on your own part. Hard as that may be while your being rejected.

FI needs time alone with them in mass, but also as individuals. In todays busy world it is VERY difficult to balance.

wynelle · #15 10-06-2006, 09:57 PM

I had a problem that is similar.

My DH has two daughters. He has been divored from his first ex-wife for over 30 years. We have been together 8 years---both DH and his ex had married other people and divorced them before he and I even met. The mother of his children did some really whacked out things in the first few years after the divore, including standing on the sidewalk and screaming that he was depriving the children of what they needed. MInd you, she got a lot of child-support, alimony for 5 years (then she remarried), the house, the good car, all the royalties from one of his textbooks, etc. He tried to be a good dad, but she moved 300 miles away, so he only saw them one weekend a month, two weeks at Christmas and during the summer. And they grew up with "your father cheated you out of money."

Sol, there were conflicts between the daughters and their father, and the daughters and I. (One was 30 and one was 26 when I met my DH).

I tried to stay patient, involved them in everything I could, shopped for things that would be meaningful and special for birthdays and CHristmas. Even planned and organized both of their weddings sine their mother "didn't do parties." Even still, they alternated between being my best friend, or being upset for whatever reason at one of us.

We were married five years after we met. We wanted our four children to stand up with us. I had cummerbunds and ties made in our family tartan for my son, I had silk sashes in my plaid for my daughter and I, and in his plaid for his cummerbund/tie and sashes for his daughters.

Well, his younger daughter decided it was time to be angry with him, and was screaming, acting out, leaving horrible voicemails (she was using drugs at the time). So we were afraid that she might not show up for the wedding, or worse, would act out in the church. We bounced back and forth--could we have the three adult children standing with us? Well, would the fourth daughter be upset? What if we planned for four and she didn't come?

So we ended up with my sister and his brother standing up with us, my children and his older daughter lit the family unity candles, and carried bouquets and wore their tartans. We tried to include them as much as we could, still worrying about what the other daughter would do and or say. Well, she didn't show up, so her bouquet just sat in the vase in the bride's room.

We now have a better relationship.

In your case-- you are the "other woman", you had an affair with a married man- their father, and you destroyed life and family as they knew it. I think three years might be a little soon for them to "get over it" especially as they are still relatively young. It might have been easier if there was no public activity between the two of you until AFTER he had movied out and filed for divorce, but thats water under the bridge. Has your fiance ever apologized to his children for what he did?

I would postpone the wedding; I would schedule a lot of family activities- dinner, movies, the zoo. Something at least every week. Give them a little more time and give them the room and the opportunity to dislike you a little less. Have their father talk to them every few weeks about how much he wants all of you to be a family and how much he wants them to participate in the wedding. I would have lots of ideas prepared of what they could do--ring bearer, junior attendants, ushers, candle-lighters. Let them choose the level of participation they wish to have. I would have bouquets (or corsages) for every daughter and I would have boutineres for every son. I would have every child's name mentioned on the programs, and ask the children's guidance as to what should be on the program.

Good luck!

MarthaA562 · #16 10-06-2006, 10:14 PM

I actually was one of those stepchildren that did not accept my stepmother... so let me give you some insight as far as what their perspective is. I will start by saying, never give up hope... it took a while for me to accept her (Debra). My mother had told me that she was the reason that they divorced, my mother is still bitter to this day (15 years later). When I was a teen, the courts ruled that I stay with my father and stepfather, my mother was found unfit by the courts (alchoholic). I did not want this women in my life!!! She was making decisions based on my welfare... which at the age of 16, I did not think was fair. Anyways, to make a long story short, I hit the road when I graduated High School and moved 2 hours away with my clothes in a trash bag, no car. I worked my butt off and now am making a salary in a management position. I did not speak to my family (either side) for a couple of years... until I decided that my bitterness was rediculous. I had an unstable mother who constantly let me down, and a loving caring stepmother who only wanted to have a relationship with me. As I grew older, Debra and I slowly grew closer.... She never talked badly about my real mother (although there could have been lots to say!!), she only supported me. Now, I call her Mom.... It was the patience, letting me go, until I realized that she did love me and wanted me in her life, that allowed me to break the boundaries. She is now an ordained Methodist minister and is conducting my ceremony. Every time I talk to her I tell her I love her. I introduce her as my mom (I have two mothers). And I know that she loves and takes care of my father. So, based on my experience... divorce is a hard thing for everyone... especially the children. Sometimes it takes time... years even... But, continue to love, support, and stay out of the way of major decisions in their life (they may resent you!!). Be more of a friend, supporter. It may not happen right away, they still have pain... but it will come. Please send me a private message if you need to. I have been on the opposite end, and it is hard, her and I have talked about how much of a hellion I was to her, but we have such a great relationship now!!! Good luck, let me know if you need anything, because I have been in their place too!!

munchkin · #17 10-06-2006, 10:38 PM

I had a long response all typed out but my computer ate it. Here's the Cliffs Notes version.

Don't force a relationship on these kids. Rightly or wrongly, they see you as the person who ruined their lives. Without you, their parents would probably be still together, at least in their eyes. They are not going to just get over it quickly, and it's unfair to expect them to.

Like others have said, postpone your wedding. It's more important to have a relationship with these kids than it is to get married in three months. Postponing it may give you a chance to have a relationship, but carrying on with it may prevent you from ever having that relationship. You have to decide what is more important to you right now, your wedding or a relationship with what will be your stepchildren.

ladedah · #18 10-06-2006, 11:01 PM

Well.....I'm one of those step-children, too. My father left my mother for my step-mother...ummm, actually....my mom found out about his affair and kicked him out and he had no where else to go, I don't believe he would have actually married her had my mother not asked him to leave....beside the point.

My step-mother has basically demanded that my brother and I have a "relationship" with her, but she has never been willing to put forth the effort that that would take and they have been married for 15 years. She is a spoiled brat who acts like a child and not only do my brother and I have no desire what so ever to have a relationship with her, our relationship with our father has suffered. Now, on a positive note...I know that you are not conniving as her, nor as much as a jealous person....but I do know this....if you and your FH push this issue too much...it could be a slower start to your relationship with them....I would wait for the wedding.

Kim&Bob2004 · #19 10-07-2006, 12:17 AM

The girls here have all offered up some great advice.

The children may never come around, but odds are they will.

My grandfather wasn't exactly a great husband (rest his soul) to my grandmother, there were rumors and even when young you pick up on those. My grandmother died suddenly in 1980. My grandfather began dating not long after her death. He began dating a lady named Letha. It was troubling for my father as he felt his father was once again cheating on his mother though she was gone. Letha is a fine woman, and was back then, my father was an adult with children of his own, but it still took several years for him to like Letha. Today, even though my grandfather didn't marry this woman he dated for 8 yrs, we consider Letha our "adopted" (or as Breezy said bonus) grandmother. I honored her right along with my own grandmother at our wedding. She has been there for us many times, she can never replace our grandmother, but she has her own place. You need to make your own place..... and don't push..... It takes time. Time does heal many wounds, give it all the time it needs and don't push or bad mouth their mother as she is doing about you. Ya know, when they are grown, they may discover why their parents really broke up.

555Ann555 · #20 10-07-2006, 02:25 PM

My family is one big mess (both parents are on their 3rd marriages) so I'm not going to comment on your situation, but I wanted to welcome you to Pash!

Leslee&Jake · #21 10-07-2006, 06:09 PM

Welcome to Pash! Maybe yours and his family could all sit down and talk. they kids probably dont know your side of it. also at this point they might still be hoping that their parents will get back together. it is sad when kids have to hear negative things about their parents (i went through that). just give it time. when the younger ones mature they will come around and understand. they are just kids.

fletcher · #22 10-08-2006, 09:32 PM

They have not talked to me or even been in the same room with me, They dont want to know me. I dont think its possible to change, I give up. maybe he can ask them to sit down with us it seems they are scared. and so much time has gone by that it just reninforces it.

wynelle · #23 10-08-2006, 09:48 PM

Honey, I'm sorry---but you've been with this man for almost three years, planning on getting married in three months, and have never even been in the same room with his adolescent children? That is so wrong in so many ways.

Does he have visitation with his children? Has he never made an attempt to introduce you to them, all go out for dinner? Do you and your children leave the house and go elsewhere when his children visit?

How do you know how his children feel if you have never meet them? Are you just listening to what he says? Would he have any reason to keep you and your children separated from his children? What will he do after you are married, when he has his custodial weekend? They at least deserve the right to "act out" when they meet you. That at least would give you a starting point in the relationship--

You need to have a long talk with your fiance, and you at least need to meet his children. There is something hinky about all this.

Complicated Woman · #24 10-08-2006, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wynelle

Honey, I'm sorry---but you've been with this man for almost three years, planning on getting married in three months, and have never even been in the same room with his adolescent children? That is so wrong in so many ways.

Does he have visitation with his children? Has he never made an attempt to introduce you to them, all go out for dinner? Do you and your children leave the house and go elsewhere when his children visit?

How do you know how his children feel if you have never meet them? Are you just listening to what he says? Would he have any reason to keep you and your children separated from his children? What will he do after you are married, when he has his custodial weekend? They at least deserve the right to "act out" when they meet you. That at least would give you a starting point in the relationship--

You need to have a long talk with your fiance, and you at least need to meet his children. There is something hinky about all this.

This gets a big ditto from me -- giving them a chance to meet you and get angry might help them get over the anger and start to see you as the person you are, not just the role you played in their lives as the other woman.

feb-bride · #25 10-09-2006, 01:37 AM

I agree with Wynelle 100% in her last post. I would never marry someone if I hadn't even been in the same ROOM as his kids. I don't know if I would ever have forgiven my dad if he and my step-mom got married before I'd even met her.