This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by Brandy Bo on 5/20/04. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.
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posted by Brandy Bo
We are currently planning the rehearsal dinner and I have a question as to who exactly is invited to the rehearsal dinner. I say that it is everyone who is participating in the rehearsal, plus anyone else the groom's family wants to invite (since they are hosting). The fiance says it is rediculous to invite the pastor, the organist, the soloist, and the wedding director. His reasoning is that they are paid to be there, and he shouldn't have to feed them, also. I have seen written where the pastor is always invited, but sometimes does not go (as to not make people feel guilty by drinking at the dinner or whatever). But I haven't seen anything on inviting/not inviting the rest of these people. The organist - not a family friend, just someone we hired and I don't care either way if he's there or not (but I don't want him to be the only person not invited!). The soloist is a very close family friend since childhood (who really should be a bridesmaid, but I've had to cut a whole lot of stuff out that I was planning on doing, so she became soloist and scripture reader) and I REALLY would be ticked off if she wasn't invited to rehearsal dinner. Wedding director is a coworker. Yes, she is paid to be there, but I would be so embarrassed if she wasn't invited. So what's the etiquette on this ladies????
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posted by HeatherR
The only people that SHOULD attend the rehearsal dinner are the wedding party and their significant others, bride and grooms family (parents, brothers, sisters.) Flower girl and ring-bearer and their parents. I believe the pastor, officiant- what have you, should be invited, along with his/her spouse.
Anyone you "hire" shouldn't be there, such as the DJ, photographer, etc... If your friend (soloist) is a very close friend of yours, invite her if you wish. The wedding coordinator doesn't have to be there, she normally wouldn't attend, but that's up to you.
If his parents are footing the bill, let them invite whomever they please, as long you have those that SHOULD be there you'll be fine.
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posted by catina
As Heather said, all wedding party members and their signifcant others, members of the bride and grooms family (parents, grandparents, siblings) and the officiant should be invited. Any out of town guests if you wish, as well. However, in your case I personally would invite the soloist and the director.
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posted by feb-bride
You should invite the paster and his spouse. As far as the others, if you're paying for their services (e.g., musicians), then you are not obligated to invite them.
When I got married, I invited the ceremony musician to my RD, but that's because she was my music teacher from 4th through 8th grade and she performed for free because I was a former student of hers.
My thoughts on the RD is that you should invite anyone who you are "requiring" to attend the ceremony rehearsal (and their spouses).
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posted by syringa
As a wedding coordinator, I often attend the rehearsal dinner. I work with clients for a period of months before the big day and we become good friends. I am sometimes called on to help out in some ways at the dinner as well. If the coordinator is a church or facility coordinator that you have only met once or twice, then don't invite them. The same goes for musicians that you barely know. Generally, if you know the person well, then invite them.
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posted by Brandy Bo
Thanks for your thoughts everyone! Chris and I are going to his parent's this wkend, and we will be discussing it all then. The only problem I have with not inviting the "paid musicians" that we don't know that well is that he will be the only person not invited! That just seems so rude to me
And it isn't like it's an invite for him AND a guest, b/c his wife just passed away; it's only him. The other people involved that night are bridal party, the wedding director (who is a friend and colleague), the pastor, the soloist (who is extremely close friend and will most definitely be invited), and the organist. Just seems rude to me to invite everyone but that organist......But it's not my party!!!!
Oh! Also, they aren't doing official invitations, they want to just do "word of mouth" and then tell everyone where the party is that night...which is killing me! I'm a planner! 90% of the people are out-of-towners and have never been here before...HELLO! Can we at least give them a better heads up?? And can we at least give them a map?!?!? I'm going ahead and making a map out b/c I am NOT about to send out-of-towners on a wild goose chase looking for the restaurant (had that happen to me before! I was with the bride and we had no idea where we were going. We ended up getting there 1 hr after it started, people had already eaten and were leaving!). If she has a problem with me passing out maps, then she can get over it
But anyway, it just looks so bad to me to not tell anyone beforehand what's going on for the dinner, then get to rehearsal and talk about it, including everyone in on this talk - except for the organist. I can see it now..."Everyone pay attention! We're having a dinner later and we'd love for you to come! OH! Except for you, Mr. Organist, you aren't invited. Everyone else, listen up...." Miss Manners is fainting right now...
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posted by catina
I agree that you should send them invites ahead of time, so they are well aware of the date and time of the rehearsal as well as the dinner. And so they'll know that their spouses are also included.
I would let your concerns be heard, first with your fiance, and ask for his support when discussing it with his parents. But, let him do most of the talking!
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posted by feb-bride
If the organist is the only one that isn't invited, you're right - it will seem extremely rude.
Also, I think that invitations should be given out in advance. My cousin had a "word of mouth" RD, and it sucked because we had to spend 30 minutes at the church making sure everyone knew where they were going.
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posted by Netty
I have one piece of advice:
DO WHAT YOU WANT. I got married 3 weeks ago, and the ONLY thing that I regret is that I worried too much about doing thigs the "right" was instead of our way. This is your wedding. Do NOT worry about what other people think. You want to remember this day as "your" day - not what other people want. Invite whoever you want or think should be invited.
We invited our Minister and our photographer. We looked at it that they were all a big part of the wedding going great, and, even though we were paying them, we also wanted them to have a good time as part of the wedding. It proved to be very beneficial, as we felt that we knew our photographer better than just a "client" basis.
Hope you're wedding day goes as fabulous as ours did.
Cheers,
Netty
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posted by Brandy Bo
Well Netty, seeing as how it is the rehearsal dinner and the groom's parents pay for it, I really can't invite whomever I want. We did go visit them last wkend and do all the planning for it. She took the route of not inviting the wedding director and organist. What can I say? Since it was 2 people not being invited, versus just 1 person, I'm not going to gripe. It does bother me that they are not invited - but I am not about to be rude and tell them who to invite. I'm thinking the next time I talk to these people I need to say something along the lines of "we have to keep it small due to space restrictions at the restaurant (which is true, but we do have a space for 1 or 2 more), so his mom decided that we were only hosting the wedding party." I know that best policy would be to NOT say anything at all - but remember she did not want to do invitations, we are just going to go over the directions while at the church, and you really don't want to wait til that moment to say "oh by the way, you aren't invited." Sound good folks? Good grief, I am such a southern goddess, gotta please everyone! hahaa
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