Just have to vent!!!!! Sorry so long!! - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

MarthaA562 · #1 10-01-2006, 02:01 AM

I just have to vent for a minute. My FH is driving me crazy!!! Just a little background information, we have been together for over four years, living together for that long as well (long story). I tend to be a micro manager/organizer and he is a very laid back go with the flow kind of guy. My original intent for a wedding (we are also saving for a house) was to have something small with immediate family only and go on a nice long honeymoon. Well, he wanted to have a big wedding. So I let him have it. Know our very small budget that we have is turning into a 10k+ wedding. This is not what I wanted for one day (I mean, yes, it would be nice, but we don't have that kind of money and the parents are not helping out a whole lot!). Compromise #1. Then, he is turning into a micromanager (without doing any of the research mind you, just saying no to every idea that I have to save $$$, decorate, etc.). He actually told me that I should have consulted him before buying my wedding dress because he wanted to wear baby blue ties(in October wedding) because they match his eyes. I have done hours of research for saving money, and every idea he has turned down... I don't know where we are going to get the money for this. He has more in his savings, and we both have stock, he is telling me I need to sell my stock to pay for the house, and keeps throwing in my face that he is contributing more. I have had a rough life, did everything on my own to get where I am now, finally got out of debt, and all of my extra money is going towards fixing my back ( I have 3 different things wrong with it). He wants to come to all of the appointments which is fine, but he cant with his work schedule, INCLUDING FLORAL!!! I would think that the FH could care less about floral!!!!! I have already put him in charge of the honeymoon (I don't think we can afford one...) and the song list for our jazz band (yep, no DJ for this guy... not classy enough). He is the final decision maker for the catering but cannot go to all of the appointments because of his work schedule. I have been looking forward to the planning aspect of this because it is something that I am good at and I am very creative. I have my 3 ring binder and a file system and I am constantly going to craft stores and researching decorations. I think a lot of this has to do with his 2 older sisters, one who is a "Martha Stewart" and the other who just got married at an Asian Art Museum with all modern/contemporary decor and fancy food. His sister also lives in Seattle and makes about 3 times what we do. And, we are in the South, the reception center is very Southern, and the guests are going to expect a little Southern Charm when they come. I want to combine that with his contemporary needs. Why can't I have a guy that just does not care??? Its not like he is doing any kind of research, or scheduling of events... Its like he is just there to say no to everything and pick the most expensive route... Then of course to add to all of the stress, he has to buy a house before we get married (knowing that my credit is not so hot and I am working on rebuilding it, it would be wise to wait). So that adds even more stress to an already stressful situation, where is all of this money coming from???? I will stop now... I could keep venting. I am usually a stubborn person, but I have been letting him go. I am just so tired of hearing the word "no" with the hours of research and appointments I have done, all for nothing. Ok, I am done!!

Kim&Bob2004 · #2 10-01-2006, 02:21 AM

This too shall pass.

Men, sometimes you just can't explain them and their behavior. I ask Bob to fold a load of laundry, and it takes him a whole hour to fold one basket, a small basket! How can he be so anal about some things and totally not about others....... I mean, who the heck cares how they are folded, their are jeans, undies and t-shirts and towels for crying out loud, they don't need to have creases and look like they were just taken off a store shelf! JUST FOLD AND GET DONE ALREADY! OK OK I need to stop, but your vent got me to venting!

Men, sometimes you just have to ignore them!

PS, have him join Pash! He might find out a few things!

PlanetClaire · #3 10-01-2006, 02:25 AM

Hmmm. When he says no does he at least offer an alternative? I'd start with that point with him. I think it's great that he wants to participate but not to the detriment of your budget, scheduling etc...

If you've been together 4 years already I would think that different styles of money management and compromising and all that good stuff would have already surfaced. How did you deal with challenges previously?

Are you close with any of his family? Could any of them help you get through to him? I am of the same mindset- I hate to spend a fortune for one day especially if you want to buy a house.

There are tons of great , reasonably priced Honeymoon packages at all inclusive resorts all over the world so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

I hope you get it all sorted!

MarthaA562 · #4 10-01-2006, 03:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PlanetClaire

Hmmm. When he says no does he at least offer an alternative? I'd start with that point with him. I think it's great that he wants to participate but not to the detriment of your budget, scheduling etc...

If you've been together 4 years already I would think that different styles of money management and compromising and all that good stuff would have already surfaced. How did you deal with challenges previously?

Are you close with any of his family? Could any of them help you get through to him? I am of the same mindset- I hate to spend a fortune for one day especially if you want to buy a house.

There are tons of great , reasonably priced Honeymoon packages at all inclusive resorts all over the world so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

I hope you get it all sorted!

As far as money, we have always split everything down the middle. That will be our biggest challenge is combining the money. I have worked so hard to get where I am and I enjoy to buy my magazines and such... He likes his lattes. So, he is better with money, I figured that he could be in charge of finances and just give me a spending allowance (I am terrible with money). I am totally cool with this. As far as him offering alternatives, no, he has no alternatives because he has not done any of the research to come up with alternatives. I am about to use the mentality that I use with my employees, just let them make the decision they believe is right, mess up, learn from his mistakes. But, he is not my employee, he is my fiance. I am totally going against my nature by allowing him to be so controlling, but at the same time, I am not one to argue with people. Not to sound like a brat, but I usually get my way in our relationship. I just wish that instead of "noing" every idea that I have and opting for the more expensive option, he would help me with my research. If he wants so much control and decisions, it has to be based on some kind of information, right??? We will work everything out, I know... He keeps telling me that most women would love if their fiance would get more involved... and yes I have heard that many times, but it needs to be mutual. It almost offends me and hurts my feelings that he does not trust the decisions that I want to make. It makes me feel that he thinks I am "tacky", and I have told him this.

PlanetClaire · #5 10-01-2006, 03:34 AM

Well it's good that you are telling him how you feel! That's important. Does he know how strongly you feel about the money issue? Can you not make a budget and tell him you need to stick to it? And then budget each category...then....

...Can you schedule "wedding planning time" together? Where you research ideas and such together so that you don't end up doing all this work for nothing? You have said that he can't make appointments due to work restrictions but could that help a little?

MarthaA562 · #6 10-01-2006, 03:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PlanetClaire

Well it's good that you are telling him how you feel! That's important. Does he know how strongly you feel about the money issue? Can you not make a budget and tell him you need to stick to it? And then budget each category...then....

...Can you schedule "wedding planning time" together? Where you research ideas and such together so that you don't end up doing all this work for nothing? You have said that he can't make appointments due to work restrictions but could that help a little?

I have tried to ask him to have a set budget... He won't commit. So, I don't know how much we have to spend. Scheduling time to research would be a good idea, I just don't know how frustrating it would be. I wish that he could come to some of these appointments because he would get a better idea of what these things actually cost, and as far as florals, having and "expert" reassure him that the color schemes I have picked are actually pretty good. I am just having a hard time tying in the colors I want for the ceremony with the reception... I will be posting soon in the color pallette category.

Heather · #7 10-01-2006, 03:29 PM

I'm sorry girl. It sounds really frustrating. My husband wanted input to the food and music, and everything else he pretty much left to me, which was cool. We also paid for everything ourselves so we knew exactly what we could afford and what we couldn't. Weddings are expensive where I live so when I see a $10K wedding, I drool, lol. Ours was almost $30K.

I agree with Claire. If he wants input into this, he needs to make time to go over some things with you. What I would probably do is say: "Fine. You handle everything and let me know what you decide." Maybe seeing how much you really have to do will shock him into quick compromise.

breezy · #8 10-01-2006, 08:27 PM

DH wasn't really into the whole wedding thing... but what works for us, what has always worked for us in decision making is that I give him 2-3 ideas that he gets to pick from.

Say floral
Do all your research, get pictures or samples and prices compiled... then take all that info to him and say here are the 3 I've narrowed it down to, which do you like. ***key to this is giving him a selection YOU can live with

But in all reality you really need to make a date and finalize your budget. Without it, you're facing what I sence is your biggest fear... loss of contol of $ and deeper debt.

If you've researched wedding in your area, use that info for what the average wedding in your area cost, if you've selected your venues use that info. But bottom line is that you BOTH have a vision that can be met realistically and that you can do it together.

You also expressed that you've always split everything. I feel like from what you've shared (him having more savings ect) that he might have to chip in more right now. I'm not sure how you can broach this without WWIII, but if your having surguries that your paying for, it's not realistic that your out of pocket is going to be the same.
What is the finacial plan after marriage? Still 50/50? Or will it be "it's all out of the same account?"

Yelycrazygirl · #9 10-02-2006, 03:54 PM

In my case I do all the research and after the research is done I share with FH…. Then he tells me his opinion and we go from there…. I think is working pretty good. He doesn’t have time to do research, so that’s why I do it. He is very involved and willing to cooperate.

I think that you should get him to decide on a budget, that’s the most important thing on a wedding planning. Without a budget you don’t know what you can or can’t afford. If you just go with the process buying stuff and making contracts without a budget the probability that you are going to have debts after the wedding is very high, and the probability of having a 25K+ wedding is also very high.

Also buying the house before getting married is going to affect your budget in a big way. I think that you and your fiancée need to sit and talk about your priorities. What you really want and in what order. What’s more important for both of you.

Say something now that you can…. Don’t wait until the last minute because is better to get to an agreement in the early stage that get one after a lot of money has been spent…..

Good luck…..

MarthaA562 · #10 10-03-2006, 08:01 AM

Yes, part of the problem is the whole house issue... He builds houses and condos and cannot stand paying rent anymore. I originally wanted a destination wedding with only family. He says between the two of us, we can save $10k more before the wedding. We both have steady jobs, and save our money... We just need to sit and make an excell worksheet with everything we want on it... Maybe that will knock some reality into him (he loves excel and those kind of spread sheets, it will give him something to do!!). I just wish that we could buy the house after the wedding, to relieve some stress and give me time to rebuid my credit, but he is adament about it. He also just turned 30 and probably thinking about making these major investments. I just know that if we waited... our interest rates would be better because of me...

VenusElaine · #11 12-20-2006, 06:29 AM

Yes, a spreadsheet would be excellent, except MEN do not know what things cost!!!

They seem to reside in the dark ages, where everything was dirt cheap. Both my ex-husband and my fiance have been amazed at the grocery store receipts. I was feeding them, after all.

Once I went to the grocery, let my ex fill the cart, and then disappearred when it came time to pay. He was astounded!

The biggest consideration is COMMUNICATION. If you are already living together, you should be sharing the bill paying every month. This was very difficult for me in the beginning, as I like to be in control. Once I learned to share, involve him, and accept his input, it became much easier.

We now decide together what bills must be paid, should be paid, and can be put off til next month.

They are MEN. We must educate them as well as placate them. And always let them beleive they are in charge. It's that testosterone thing.

VenusElaine

DragonYoga · #12 12-22-2006, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VenusElaine

They are MEN. We must educate them as well as placate them. And always let them beleive they are in charge. It's that testosterone thing.

VenusElaine

I love this!!! That's EXACTLY what I do with my FH!

DavidsWife · #13 12-23-2006, 10:04 PM