Catholic ceremony if I'm not Catholic?

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by ehotchkin on 11/19/03. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by ehotchkin

My fiancee's mother insists that we have to get married in a church (which I totally disagree with and I'm not going to make myself unhappy to do it her way). They are Catholic, but I'm not, and because my fiancee and I do not belong to a church, she says we'll get married in her church, 2 hours away from where 95% of the invitees are located. But I'm wondering - how hard is it to get married in a church if both are not Catholic? Do I have to convert, be baptized, confirmed, etc? If we don't get married in a Catholic church, will that be a problem for my fiancee?

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posted by Holly

I'm not Catholic, but I will try to reply to the best of my ability.

I think it depends on the priest. A friend of mine got married in the Catholic church, but she went there regularly with her fiance, who wasn't Catholic. He didn't have to take classes, but she knew of others who did.

If you want to get married in a different church, I think it is possible to do so if you don't belong to it. You have to speak to the minister to see what he/she thinks.

But if you don't want to get married in a church, you really don't have to. I got married outside, and it was beautiful. Other people get married in banquet halls in restaurants, historic sites, museums, and their own homes.

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posted by syringa

If your fiance is not a practicing Catholic, the priest may not allow you to marry in the church. In most cases, at least one person has to be in good standing in the church. It is possible to be married in protestant churches without either of you being members or regular attenders. It is also possible to be married at another location, such as a park or garden, by a minister. Priests don't usually perform weddings that occur outside the church.

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posted by catina

Why not get married in the United Church? They will marry anyone regardless of their religion, non-members etc. It's a short service (1/2 hr long), somewhat religious, but very laid back. You don't have to be baptised, christened or confirmed. My daughter didn't want to get married in a church, we don't attend any church nor has she been baptised ( I know a lot of people that think that's awful, but she's okay!!)
. I really wanted her to get married in a church, just because I always wanted to see her walk down the aisle!! Anyway, she agreed to do it, as did her fiancee and they are both really looking forward to it now! They even went so far as to say they'd attend a couple of services if they had to! But they don't! My point is, check around where you live. There may be a church that will marry you and that would also keep your MIL happy! They don't mind if you call and ask.

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posted by feb-bride

I am Catholic, and in order to get married in a Catholic church, one of the people getting married must be a Catholic (must have been baptized, received first communion, first confession, must have been confirmed, etc.). Also, any previous marriages that took place in the Catholic church must have been annulled.

Also, in a Catholic wedding ceremony, one of the things the priest asks you is if you plan on raising children in the Catholic faith. This is one of the vows that you must say "yes" to. If you are not planning on raising your future children in the Catholic faith, you would be lying to the priest during your wedding vows.

I am a firm believer in the fact that if you do not attend a church, and you don't plan on attending it once you get married, you shouldn't get married in it. It seems hypocritical to me to want to get married in a church that you have no intentions of going to. I ended up getting married in a wedding chapel.

The sole purpose of the building was for wedding ceremonies. It looked like a church with pews, etc., but it was not actually a place of worship.

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posted by ehotchkin

thanks for your input, feb-bride. i want to get married at a nice outdoor ceremony, because i am not religious, but my fiancee's mother insists that it has to be a church wedding. i am not baptized or anything, i have no intention of becoming catholic and being baptized, so i don't feel that we should have a church ceremony, either. your input helps a lot.

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posted by feb-bride

Good luck. I hope you didn't think I was "coming down" on you. I just think it's wrong to start your marriage by lying to a priest. Sounds to me like you don't plan on raising any children you have in the Catholic faith, and that's one of the things you have to promise when you exchange vows.

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posted by jcshygirl

My fiance and I are going through the same problem. We are both catholic and want to be married outside, but it is against th catholic religion. I was told that in order for us to do anything outside we would have to go to a united(?) church and talk to the pastor there. I went to talk to the catholic priest and he told us that we have to take a test to see if we are compatable ($50) before he would even consider us being married in the catholic church and that if the tests came back non-compatable we would have to go to counseling for like 6 months. Good luck and if anybody has some good ideas for doing a cermony outside I would love to hear them (also my reception is going to be outside)!!!

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posted by Ekaaj

I was married, outside, by my own pastor. He had no problems with that. I am not Catholic, though. I attend a Christian church that is affiliated with the Assemblies of God. The United Church is not the only one that will perform ceremonies outside; many Christian churches allow outside ceremonies. My husband and I also went through informal pre-marriage counseling, which I think is a good idea for anybody! However, we didn't take any test, nor did we have to pay for the counseling, as we are members of the church that we attend. Personally, I think those tests are silly. If my husband and I had taken one, who knows what the "results" would have been. In many ways, we are the opposite, and we had very different upbringings. However, we have a wonderful marriage! (Just celebrated 1st Anniversary.)

Anyway, you might try other churches near you, or if you have non-Catholic friends that attend other churches, perhaps you could talk to their pastors.

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posted by Ekaaj

Also, someone asked about other ideas for outside ceremonies. We were married outside, on a large lawn at one of the resorts in town. Because the area was so beautiful and surrounded by treest and flowers, we opted not to have much in the way of floral arrangements outside. Instead, we rented large "marble-like" columns, and put them at the front, where the minister and bridal party were to stand. We also rented a large (8 ft tall by 5 ft wide) "wall fountain" that we placed right behind the minister. (It was one of those fountains where the water comes out at the top and flows down a flat wall.) It was beautiful! The columns had tulle wrapped around them, and we did put white bows on the chairs that lined the aisle.
Anyway, whoever is having an outdoor wedding, have fun!

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posted by ehotchkin

Thank you, Ekaaj. I would like to have a nice flowery/gardeny/outdoor wedding, but for some reason my future mother-in-law insists that it has to be a church wedding. Nevermind what the bride and groom want! Your idea sounds very nice to me.

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posted by Ekaaj

I think you should go ahead and have your outdoor wedding! I have been to many outdoor ceremonies, and they are always beautiful. I think you, or your fiance, should stand up to your future MIL on this one. It's not her wedding, it's yours.

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posted by feb-bride

Make your fiance' handle this since it's his mom who is causing the problem. If you do it, you will be labeled as controlling and domineering over your fiance'.

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posted by ehotchkin

Thank you Ekaaj and Feb-bride! I thought I was coming across as a spoiled rotten brat, so I'm glad someone else sees it from my point of view, too, that this is our wedding not hers. My mother told us to have the wedding where ever we want (with the intention that she's paying for the wedding), it's our wedding we should do what we want. My future m-i-l says she's paying for the wedding, and it has to be a church wedding.

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posted by 6amandaf6

I would ask your finace to explain to her that you both take the vows seriously and if your heart is not in a religious ceremony it is like lying in a church and to god, or something like that! Maybe making her see it that way will help to change her mind?
SHe just has to try and understand that the ceremony is not something that the person paying the $ really has much of a say in. You and your husband should take the most control here as it is the most romantic and special part of the day. Maybe let her take a bit more control over other parts of the wedding, things that you don't really mind that she plans, like flowers? It is soooo hard though, trying to deal with everyone elses opinions and the whole "we're paying so we get to control what happens". SO many of us here have had to deal with the same issues so we understand where you're coming from. Just remember, in the end you are marrying someone you love and it will be a fantastic day. Hopefully when your fiance talks to her she'll back off a bit.

Good luck!

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posted by ehotchkin

Thanks, 6amandaf6. I think that if my future m-i-l wants to really help out, she can take charge of the rehearsal dinner, like the groom's family traditionally pays for, but she can also hire the photographer, if she really wants to help out. And the dj. I just don't understand why she feels she can step in and say she's paying for the wedding, when I have my own mother and family (and we're not poor), and without even discussing this with my family. I'm not her daughter; she has her own daughter that she will eventually plan a wedding for. I think I'll definitely have to have my fiancee talk to her, as you and everyone else suggested.

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posted by catina

I think it's great that she is willing to help pay. If you do "allow" her to pay for and organize the DJ and Photographer, please make sure your involved in the final decision. Those two are also very important details of your wedding that you don't want to mess with! But, yes, if you let her make some decisions that aren't really that important to you, she will feel more involved and needed.

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posted by ehotchkin

Well, the problem isn't that she's willing to help us pay, the problem is that she went ahead and made the decision (without discussing with my mother and me) that she's paying for the wedding herself. And she's made the decision that because my fiance and I are not members of a church, it'll be easier if we get married in her church, which is 2 hours away from the majority of the guests. I think it's very selfish of her to take the wedding away from my mother and I, just because m-i-l wants a church wedding. She already made the decision that SHE'S paying for the wedding - to me that means that my own mother has no involvement. Which means, to me, that I will have absolutely nothing to do with ANY of the planning, if my mother can't be involved. I had thought that this was something that my mother and I would do together, plan the wedding, and I wouldn't have had a problem with m-i-l being involved, except that she's trying to take it over and make it her wedding and what she wants to do, and not allow me to involve my own mother.

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posted by Ekaaj

It sounds like your fiance definitely needs to talk to his mother. However, I would also have your own mother talk to her about the situation. After all, the two families will be connected from now on, and you don't want to get started on the wrong foot. Your mother and father should sit down and talk with her, and figure out who is paying for what, up front, before any further decisions are made. If you do this now, you will avoid misunderstandings in the future, and you will set the tone for the rest of the wedding planning. Let her know that you appreciate her willingness to help, but that you don't want her to make all of the decisions. (In fact, she shouldn't be making ANY of the decisions, but that's just my opinion!)
But definitely do this sooner rather than later. Good luck!

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posted by catina

Oh, I guess I didn't read it right! That's different! I'd would make a list of the things that you and your mother want to have complete control of and make the final decisions on, as well as pay for, and then let MIL have what you don't care about. I'm thinking that there's not that much that you wouldn't want to be involved with as the whole day is special for you. I would put my foot down, TELL her that you and your fiance will NOT be getting married in a church 2 hours away, and that you WILL be having an outdoor wedding! But, make sure you fiance is with you when you tell her this and make sure he is behind you 100%. That's what I would do. Stick to what you and your fiance want and don't let her take this day away from you and your mother. As a mother with a daughter getting married next year, I know how important it is to be involved with the planning. This is her day but it is also a dream of mine to see her married in the way I've been thinking of for a long time! I'd feel terrible if I wasn't "allowed" to have any input!

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posted by feb-bride

Catina - a question for you, since you're an MOB. How would you handle it if your daughter wanted to do something that was not at all how you envisioned? Who do you think should have final say: the one with the $, or the one who is getting married?

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posted by catina

Good question....
It really depends on what it was. I don't want to sound evasive. I'll give some examples, it might be long as I tend to ramble! My daughter really wanted an outdoor wedding. I wasn't crazy about the idea for several reasons: Wedding is the end of Sept., weather is very touchy at that time of year, could be cold, rain, wind, etc or absolutely beautiful, cost to rent a tent and seating (large wedding of approx 150)Those were the main reasons. I also like the whole church ambiance. We aren't religious, we don't belong to a church,(I did when I was growing up and if we did, I'm Protestant so I would have brought her up Protestant) my daughter hasn't been baptised, but we do go to a Catholic (my husband is Catholic but doesn't believe) church a couple times a year for family things. (easter, confirmations etc.) We are basically paying for most of the wedding. However, if she insisted on an outdoor wedding, I would go along with her, even though I wasn't for it, and that would be that. It is her wedding. I would in return ask for some sort of live muscians to play for pre-wedding amble and post while photos are being done then revert to a DJ. She'd probably agree although that wouldn't be her style. I don't want to sound like I've got the perfect realationship with my daughter, we argue on a regular basis. But we do understand that certain things are important to each other and are willing to bend. We don't have an endless supply of money. I made a list of all wedding expenses. I then gave a copy to my husband, my daughter and her fiance and myself. We filled out who we thought should pay for what. We basically agreed on most it. She's responsible for the limo (She wants a bus!!), invites, photographer, DJ, and a couple of other things that I can't remember right now. Some expenses are shared with us. The reception, gown, flowers accessories are My husband and mine. But, my daughter and her fiance are picking the meal, along with me. She comes to me for opinions on her responsiblities and we'll go together to check them out, but she has the final word. From day one, I insisted on communicating. I started by telling both her and her fiance, that I was going to be giving lots of suggestions and opinions, and if they didn't like them, they weren't to be afraid to tell me. Also, I was going to tell them if I didn't like something that they were doing. So far so good. My husband is also involved, somewhat, in that he just wants to know what's going on! Oh, another one. I wanted a piano player at the cocktail hour and during dinner. At first they thought it was a good idea, then they came to me about a month later and said they really wanted some specific music played during dinner (Dave Matthews!) and I said no problem as long as we have him during the cockatil hour. They said "done deal!" Compromise! It works great. Now, I'm not saying that as we go along, we might not be so agreeable on some issues, you'll be hearing from me if we do! Now, I guess you want an answer to your question Feb-bride! The one getting married should have major input and get heard. The wedding should be her dream, unless it is totally unacceptable, with excellent reasons, to the one paying. I know I'm on the wall here. But it is a loaded question. As far as ehotchkin's problem goes, it should be her decision, no matter who's paying. If she doesn't want to get married in a church, especially 2 hours away, she shouldn't have to. But, if she wants to give in to her MIL, compromise and marry in a church where she lives! If doesn't want to get married in a church at all, don't. Okay, I'm done, for now. Did I answer your question Feb-bride? Sorry if I didn't come across clear!

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posted by feb-bride

Yes, you did answer my question, catina. Thanks for clearing that up.

I wasn't trying to be adversarial when I asked. I mainly asked because I hear of so many cases where the MOB/FOB (or whomever is paying) insist on having the final word, to the point where the wedding really no longer belongs to the bride and groom, and I think that's sad. When I got married, my father just handed me a check for a certain amount that I was able to use as I saw fit. The only caveat was that once the money was gone, he would not replenish it. He didn't need or care to know how I used the money; it was a gift with no strings attached. I did discuss my ideas with him, but he didn't find it necessary. He knew that I would not waste the money, and if I did, I had to come up with "replacement" money to pay for the wedding.

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posted by catina

My husband offered my daughter and her fiance money as well. More like "here's $$$$ not to have a wedding!" He was half joking, but I immediately said no way!! The kids would have gone for it, but I thought they would regret it. And I'd regret! We'll end up spending 3 times as much as he offered, but it will be more fun! Nothing like a big party!

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posted by catina

Sounds like your father is a smart man to give you total control! I would think most men don't want much to do with wedding planning. My husband offered my daughter and her fiance money as well. More like "here's $$$$ not to have a wedding!" He was half joking, but I immediately said no way!! The kids would have gone for it, but I thought they would regret it. And I'd regret it! We'll end up spending 3 times as much as he offered, but it will be more fun! Nothing like a big party!