cocktails before ceremony

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by weddingguest on 3/27/02. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by weddingguest

I have attended two weddings where an open bar was provided before the ceremony. Some guests carried their unfinished drinks into the ceremony. Is this appropriate? If not, what should you do with your glass?

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posted by feb-bride

The whole idea of cocktails before the ceremony seems inappropriate to me. If I attended a wedding like this, I'd probably just leave the glass in the room where the cocktails were served.

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posted by kmonte

sorry if i sound snotty, but an open bar BEFORE the ceremony sounds totally inappropriote!! cant the drinkers wait til the reception or do they need the alcohol that bad? and the thought of bringing the drink into the ceremony just makes my jaw hit the floor..im just stunned because i have never heard of anything like that.

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posted by wynelle

I would imagine that if any type of refreshments were served prior to a wedding, then the service would not be in a church or chapel, but in a totally separate type of setting (country club, garden house, musuem, etc). If, for example, it were an afternoon wedding, guests from out of town may not have had time to check in to their hotels, and have a cold drink (not necessarily alcoholic). Or if the wedding time were in between meal times, and a longer gathering time was planned (rather than just show up and be immediately seated), then beverages could be served. But I agree that someone should be waiting at the door to collect all glasses before entering...

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posted by kmonte

i think what wynelle said would be an exception to what i posted before. what i thought of before was people bringing their glasses of vodkas and beer into the ceremony..lol. if it were like wynelle said and were just glasses of iced tea or water, then fine, but i would still leave them at the door.

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posted by weddingguest

I want to thank you all for your responses. You settled a debate in our family. My husband was delighted that you agreed with him!

Speaking of being shocked, however, I am amazed that people are offended by someone holding a cocktail glass, but not by: couples who have big weddings after they have moved in together, strapless wedding gowns, black bridesmaid dresses, etc, etc

It seems to me our priorities are a bit upside down. Puh leeze.

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posted by kmonte

priorities upside down? i dont think so. i have lived with my fiance for four years,im still in college, my gown is strapless and we are planning a big wedding and the big shocker...we have a child. i dont know who you think you are but i was only giving my opinion as i have never heard of anyone bringing their vodka tonics into a wedding ceremony. i just think thats a little disrespectful. but thats just me. if you think your guests cant put down their alcohol for a little bit then by all means let 'em bring them in to the ceremony. there is nothing wrong with strapless dresses or noone would wear them as im sure there are other brides on this forum who are planning to wear strapless dresses on their wedding day. im also sure that some of these brides also live with their fiances. i have also heard of some bridesmaids in black dresses. although i wouldnt put my bridesmaids in black dresses that does not mean i would look down on someone who choses to do that. you posted a question so you were given an answer. if you recall i did say in my first post "sorry if i sound snotty" because i didnt want to come across that way. i also stated that i was stunned because i never heard of an "open bar" before the actual ceremony. my reception will have an open bar but i personally wouldnt want people tipsy at the actual ceremony. so if you took the response the wrong way i apologize, but take your puh leeze somewhere else!!!!

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posted by feb-bride

OMG, kmonte, you should be ashamed of yourself - what a sinner! LOL

I, too, lived with my husband before I married him (we have - get this - TWO kids) and my dress, while it did have sleeves, showed cleavage and was WHITE (who was I fooling???)! What a whore I am!

I'm sorry, but I still think the idea of having an open bar BEFORE the wedding is inappropriate. If you're serving liquor at your reception, why can't the guests wait until then to drink? I am glad that I didn't have any guests at my wedding who were so in need of a drink that they couldn't wait for TWENTY MINUTES' worth of ceremony.

It cracks me up in this forum (and on other web sites) when people ask for advice, you give your opinion, and then they attack you for your opinions. Why bother asking what others think if you really don't want to hear it??

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posted by kmonte

lmao...i guess we are both a couple of sleazy brides then feb-bride. my dress is white also AND im wearing my veil over my face when i walk down the aisle. i guess im going to etiquette hell

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posted by feb-bride

Even better - I had my dad "give me away" at the wedding and I had my kids in the wedding. How trailer trash of me!

Gee, I guess I should have had Jerry Springer perform the ceremony.

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posted by kmonte

lmao...yeah my dad is giving me away too and my son is my ringbearer. maybe we should park our trailers next to each other..hehe!! let me feed the kid some bread and kool-aid and tell the fiance to start the pick-up and ill be over. we can talk about our trashy weddings together over a bud light

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posted by feb-bride

YOU CRACK ME UP!!!

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posted by octbride

Cheers feb-bride & kmote!
I agree that if you ask a question that you shouldn't attack the person giving their honest answer.
I live with my fiance. And my dress is white!
Etiquette hell here I come.
Maybe people should think about what they are saying before they start judging the way others live.

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posted by kmonte

i agree with you..if you really dont want others advice on something, dont post a question on a public forum. its that simple.

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posted by wynelle

Well, as the cronies will concur... if you are going to be offended by someone's response, then you shouldn't ask the question. These are forums for people's personal opinions... and there are etiquette and fashion experts for that expert opinion, but I respect (and enjoy) the personal opinions as well. Where I live (in the Deep South) a bride who has been living with her fiance is NOT encouraged to wear the blusher veil, since the symbology is that it is the first time the groom sees his bride's face. It is believed to be hypocritical to pretend to be a virginal bride under those circumstances. (And a great source for snickering and gossip... especially if there are children involved.) Since black can be a very elegant color and style, even here it considered acceptable (if a bit risque) to have a very formal wedding with black bridesmaids dresses. The strapless dress is something different. In many churches, there are standards for attire for brides. Many churches publish guidelines for use of their sanctuary; and in perusing our photographer's sample book, found no strapless dresses in sanctuary, but several in other settings-like gardens, museums, stately homes) You may find that some ministers will not allow strapless dresses to be worn in the santuary, and this is a policy or standard set by the church. (Not that I would wear one since I am a tad plump... but in the handout given by my church, it emphasized "appropriate bridal attire," and suggested that anyone with questions consult with one of the church's bridal consultants.

So, everyone's opinion is important, and while may differ (greatly) from one's own, they do have the right to it. And I have found that sometimes, to my regret, the other persons may be the more strongly agreed with in the community...Play nice ladies!!

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posted by feb-bride

So, Wynelle, in the South, only brides who've never even met their husbands would wear blusher veils? heheh

I think what really bugged me about the whole thing in this post about being shocked about strapless dresses, etc., was the fact that even though some people do NOT live togehter before they get married, most people in this day and age DO sleep with each other before marriage (not saying it's right or wrong - just a fact). I take issue with brides who have had sex with their husbands before marriage and pass judgment on those of us who got pregnant before marriage.

The only difference between brides like me and kmonte and other brides is that our birth control failed.

So, let me see if I have the rules straight for when you can and cannot wear a blusher:

**A bride who is actually a virgin can wear a blusher
**A bride who has sex with her fiance' but doesn't live with him before marriage can wear a blusher
**A bride who sex before marriage AND lives with her fiance' cannot wear a blusher
**A bride who gets pregnant before marriage cannot wear a blusher OR a white dress (heck, she should just get married in a slinky dress with a big A on the chest)

I'm not trying to be snotty or mean, but come on - look at the way it is. You can have sex and still wear a blusher, but living with your fiance' is not okay for wearing a blusher. That's silly in my honest opinion.

Also, I wore the blusher because I think it's pretty - NOT because I was pretending to be a virginal bride.

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posted by weddingguest

Whoa! I’m afraid I have opened a pandora’s box here. I am sorry if I made you ladies upset. I did not make myself clear. I was not disapproving of anyone’s lifestyle or wedding decisions. The point I was trying to make is this:

When I was growing up (in the 50s) there were strict penalties for those who deviated from established norms. If you were pregnant and unwed, you were stigmatized and sent away to a home for unwed mothers. And your baby was taken away for adoption. Other, more minor infractions of established code could also cause you much misery.

Happily, today, we have liberated women who define their own dress codes and lifestyles. This is as it should be. While women have sought to be liberated for centuries, the combination of science (the birth control pill), demographics (the baby boomers), and rapidly changing political/economic climate (at least in the West) has enabled women of your generation to have debates such as this one.

My point is: If women decide that they want to modify historic norms by ignoring them and setting their own wedding timing and dress standards, (which I think is OK), then surely fuddy, duddy old wedding guests such as me, should be able to define my own “new norms” and take a glass of wine into the wedding ceremony without raising eyebrows.

That was all I was trying to say.

Happy wedding and honeymoon to all of you.

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posted by wynelle

0h..You are quite right. It is silly, but some people, and more that you realize, really think and scrutinize wedding plans. And for the most part, the ettiquette books and columns still say pretty much the same think about white, blushers and strapless dresses. I think that the general opinion among people who actually think or worry about some of these issues (and you would be amazed at how many people really do), but the general opinion is that you could be the town "hot pants," and still wear the white dress and blusher, and play the whole game. People would blink, smile and say what a nice girl, she's really trying. But once you cross over the line and are living with someone (and again here it gets iffy, are you sharing a college apartment, or full fledged "common-law if we had that anymore" living together" and especially with children, some people find that to be hypocritical when it comes to marrige preparations. Hey, I'm just reporting, not judging... but a much higher percent of people think its inappropriate than those who could just care less. In my thought, its your wedding, and do what you want, no matter how many times or how outrageous...(I was going to say you only get married once, but I blew that one myself!!!)

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posted by MissW

OK, so in order to continue beating the now deceased horse...I think that brides should do what they want on THEIR day. No little girl dreams of her wedding with no blusher, four guests, and an ivory colored dress because God forbid, she "did the nasty" before getting married. If people are coming to your wedding, the majority of them will know about your past and they still love you no matter what you wear or how big your ceremony is. For the people that don't know about your past, they just think you are perfect. Quite honetsly, I like it that way. If someone thinks that I am being hypocritical and can not be happy for me because I have found the man I am spending the rest of my life with just because I live with my finace and we are having a semi-large wedding, then I don't want them to share our wedding day with us anyway! As far as the original topic goes...I agree with Wynelle. A drink can be served, but it doesn't need to be alcoholic and it doesn't need to come into the ceremony. I would cry myself to sleep for the rest of my life, if, as I was walking down the aisle, somebody sneezed and their iced tea went all down the front of my dress. That is just me...well, I think the horse is moving a little less now, so I will say good-bye! Sarah

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posted by feb-bride

I couldn't agree with you more, MissW. I had 125 guests at my wedding (mostly family) and if any of them thought my white dress/blusher veil attire was inappropriate, they certainly didn't say anything. No one boycotted my wedding because they thought I was "inappropriate."

Part of the whole attitude is probably dependent on what part of the country you're from. Where Wynelle is (the deep south), it's probably frowned upon if the bride lives with her fiance' and still wears white. However, where I'm from (California), the attitudes are MUCH MORE PROGRESSIVE.

I agree with you, MissW - If anyone in my family or circle of friends thought ill of me because I wore a white dress, then I would not have wanted them at my wedding - plain and simple.

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posted by kmonte

I think that what good or bad etiquette is depends on where you live. I live in Southern NJ and people arent as critical about weddings here as they obviously are in the south and i think thats a shame. Its not 1950 for cryin' out loud, its 2002!! Who cares if i lived with my fiance and had a child with him before we got married. Thats noone else's business but ours and i agree that if someone was going to "gossip" about that at my wedding, then they shouldnt be there. Im not basing my wedding day attire on what is right or wrong, im basing it on what i want..it is after all my wedding. If i wanted to wear a purple wedding gown, that is my decision and noone elses. The reason Im wearing my blusher over my face THROUGHOUT the ceremony is because I personally think that it is romantic and would look better considering im wearing a strapless gown. Im also wearing long gloves with my dress. Now about the open bar before the ceremony. I wasnt sticking my nose up in the air about it saying that that was "bad etiquette"..i just dont think people should be drinking alcohol at a wedding ceremony. i mean what if someone walked in sat down and was on their 4th vodka tonic? i dont want someone throwing up or being drunk during one of the most important moments in my life. if its iced tea or soda then i wouldnt mind, but i would mind alcohol present. that and strapless dresses are two totally different things. i just think its sad that on our wedding day we still (in the year 2002) think that we have to follow certain guidelines and rules set in 1950!! to me that is outrageous...:-)

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posted by octbride

I think I'll end this thread (hopefullY) by telling a funny story about my best friend and bridesmaid Jacki.

On Jacki's nineth birthday her family was going to give her a surprise birthday party. They acted like they had forgotten her birthday. Well she got so upset that she decided to run away with her friend Cori and took her five year old sister Jadee.

They left in the early afternoon and after walking for some time they came across a small field with a fence on the other side. Jacki decided that once they crossed the fence they would be free. They started to walk and found it to be mud almost up to their knees! Jacki made her little sister touch the fence to see if it was electric, which it was (apparently only induced a slight shock). Someone on the other side of the fence started yelling at them to stay away from the fence. They got scared and ran away, unfortunately Jadee being the smallest got stuck in the mud and Jacki was too afraid of getting caught to go back and get her so they just left the poor kid in the mud.

They ran a few houses down to another farm and there were horses there. Jacki decided that their 'getaway' would be much faster with a horse. After falling off of it like twice she finally was able to maintain her balance. She tried to get the horse to go. She said "go horsie," and a variety of other things to try to get it to go. Finally Cori said "You have to do this," and smacked the horse on the rear. Luckily for Jacki the horse didn't take off into a full gallop it just kinda trotted but she was bareback so it was really hard for her to hang on. As her and Cori were headed down the road the people who owned the horse just happened to come home. Jacki said that they hid behind one of those backhoe catipillar things, but it's kinda hard to hide a horse.

Just then the cops pulled up and saw them. (the guy that was yelling at them to stay away from the fence got her little sister out of the mud and called their parents)
Jacki said it wasn't funny at the time but the best part about the whole thing was that she and Cori came out from behind the piece of machinery with hands up (Jacki still on the horse, I guess the horse just kinda walked) and the cop got on his radio to report that he found the two juveniles and the two of them just started bawling. The cop tried to comfort them and let them know that it was ok, everyone was just glad that they were safe. Jacki just kept crying and finally said, "Please don't tell my parents that I'm a juvenile."

Yup. True story about my best friend, and if you knew her there would be no doubt that she could pull something like this off.

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posted by kmonte

lol...thats funny and cute but how is that going to end the thread? :-) im not being sarcastic or anything, but it was soooo not on the subject that it made me laugh..

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posted by octbride

Oh it was just a story about a horse cause everyone was saying stuff about beating a dead horse. It was just to lighten the mood a tad. And to make everyone smile!

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posted by kmonte oh ok---lol..now i get it

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posted by Faith

My wedding and reception were held together at a banquet hall. We had an outdoor garden wedding with the reception inside in a large ballroom.

We had a California bar, and welcomed our guests to beverages before the ceremony, and several people carried their drinks out to the garden are during the ceremony.

It did not seem inappropriate to me in the least. Our wedding was not on the formal side, but it was very nice. I received many, many compliments from guest about the ceremony and reception, and what a good time they all had.

I think that whatever the bride and groom agree upon, is what should go. If you get wrapped up into what others might think is acceptable and not-acceptable, it won't really be your wedding, now would it?

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posted by PJALLAR

I am a second time bride, I am living with my fiance, my son is going to be my ring bearer, and my bridesmaids are wearing black dresses! This person could be my guest! I know how some people feel about living in sin. I am sure a few people I am inviting to my wedding feel it is a terrible thing but, if any of my guests can not get over it and be happy for me and my FH then I would rather they not come to my wedding! So I guess I can join Febbride and Kmonte in the trailer park. Also I go to a Catholic church and the priest knows we are living together, and he knows I have a son out of wedlock and that I am divorced and guess what wedding guest? I can still marry in the church, I was not called a sinner and told I was going to Hell, and my son was not called a bastard either!

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posted by PJALLAR

Sorry my last post was kind of harsh I only got through half the thread before I wrote it. I apologize to weddingguest for being kind of harsh on her. Sorry to get all religous and junk, but I am under the belief that we are all just passing through this life trying hard to live up to the example we were givin in Jesus Christ, however it is already stated in the Bible that we can never live up to Jesus, because he is perfect. In saying that I know I am a sinner and that I many times ignore the example Jesus gave me, but I am trying to be a good christen person, and so are a lot of people in my situation. So there I go casting stones at weddingguest, as if I were perfect, sorry again!

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posted by crebre

wow,
i am from the deep south too. my dress is ivory and strapless. i live with my fiancee and we have a son. i am wearing a fingertip veil.

white is because ivory looks better on me. i know a lot of people from the south who are not as biased as you appear (note:appear) to be. the brides of today chose to be happy and have their own individual styles represented. i am not pretending to be a virgin. i am doing what is right for me and wearing what i look good in. and i looked really good in my dress if i may say so myself.
i am sorry. i read the apologies and the reasoning and all that, but that was just a load of well, let me not say that. everyone is entitled to their opinion. and shame on anyone who would want to have their bridesmaids wear black. just shame on them. that's a load of oops, i said i was not going to say that... sorry, but this post really pissed me off.

are there any other shameful "deep south" things that i should be made aware of, since obviously i was not made aware of these things in my 21 years of life and my work in the bridal dept at a major dept store?

i mean oh my gosh am i going to hell for wanting to wear makeup? or what about for actually letting my bridesmaids wear red lipstick? oh no, anything but that. not the red lipstick. be for real.

oh gosh, darn it, did i neglect to mention that my wedding will be about 150 people? what should i do go to the church with my fiancee in tow and beg them to let us marry even though we live in sin and say please, please i repent, please let me have my wedding the way i want to even though i didn't do what was right in your eyes and all of these other people from here that i have never heard of and for breaking the etiquette rules. (which have been updated)

should i fire my consultant now because she let me buy a strapless gown, and never told me that i should not have a formal ceremony and that my son should not be the ring bearer, and that my fiancee and i most move out of our townhouse? golly, i guess that conversation just never came up.

please, y'all help. i don't want to violate any of the holier than thou etiquette books from 1924. the whore is repenting and i need help show me the way.

i am sorry about being so rude and unSouthernly Belley but that is ridiculous.

okay i am finished and that's off my chest. whew. but seriously, i am not trying to attack anyone here. i am only trying to show the idiocrises, oops about my spelling, of the thought process of some people. and no i am not trying to call anyone an idiot.
so after acting like a brat this whole post, i am going to say happy wedding for all and if i offended anyone, this is my opinion and some people's opinions do offend people.
cre

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posted by JeremysGirl2002

Wow! Didn't know this would open such a can of worms!
I have NEVER heard of cocktails before the ceremony! How can any church allow this?
By the way, I think the poster who said that about black BMs dresses, strapless dresses, blah, blah, blah, was completely out of line.
I wouldn't even conceive of the notion to serve ANY kind of booze before the ceremony.
This, to me, is just plain irresponsible & disrespectful!

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posted by selkie

A small note to Jeremysgirl - not all weddings are at a church, or even performed by religious officiants.
I personally doubt there will be alcohol served prior to my ceremony, but only because the ceremony is first, then we all troop downstairs to the reception (getting married in the same historic building at which we're having the reception. I wouldn't be particularly fussed if we did; none of our invitees would be so ill-mannered as to get plastered that quickly. I think leaving the glasses outside would be appropriate, however, or it would give the appearance of the drink being the highest priority.
Just my two cents.