renewing of vows for 10th anniversary

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by brandi on 10/04/01. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by brandi

my husband and i would like to renew our vows for our 10th wedding anniversary. My question is what is the etiquette in this? Can i buy a wedding dress ( i would like to have one to pass on to my daughter when she gets married.)? I had one that was given to me when we got married, but i would like to shop for one this time. Can we do all of the first wedding things or not? some one please help.

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posted by feb-bride

I've been to a couple of vow renewals, and others have asked questions about vow renewals on this site, so my advice is based on both.

First, you really shouldn't wear full "wedding regalia" when you have a vow renewal. A full-on wedding dress, complete with veil and train, really isn't appropriate for someone entering their 10th year of marriage. The vow renewals I've been to have had the bride wearing a nice dress or suit and the groom wearing a nice suit (not a tux, though).

As far as walking down the aisle, if you're planning on having someone (e.g., your father) walk you down the aisle, just make sure you don't have the ceremony officiant ask "who gives this woman..." since you're no longer anyone's to "give away." Other options would be for you to walk down the aisle by yourself or for you and your husband to walk down the aisle together.

The actual ceremony is similar to a wedding ceremony, but I'd skip the unity candle as you're already united in marriage and the candle would seem a bit silly.

Your invitations would be similar to wedding invitations but would say something to the effect of "you are invited to witness a celebration of the renewal of marriage vows between..."

You can still have a "maid of honor" if you wish, but you would obviously not have a bridal shower, bachelorette party, and other "pre-marriage" parties that people have when they are getting married for the first time.

I think your reception can be a lot like a "first-time" reception, except I would probably skip the bouquet and garter tosses. I also think I'd skip the first dances, but that's just my opinion.

Good luck and congratulations on 10 years of marriage!

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posted by brandi

if i don't wear the veil can i still wear the dress?

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posted by feb-bride

I don't see anything wrong with a nice white dress, but if it were me, I would probably wear ivory and I would NOT have a dress with a train. To me, it would seem like the bride/wife is trying to "relive" her wedding day. I don't think a vow renewal should be about recreating the wedding; it should be about celebrating the marriage.

These were just my opinions based on how I feel, based on what I've seen done at other vow renewals, and based on advice that's already been given on this web site and other wedding web sites I frequent.

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posted by wynelle

I attended a lovely vow renewal a few weeks ago. The wife wore an evening gown with a short train (one of those that grazed the floor beind her), and her husband had on a tux. As many of the original wedding party as were available and in attendance. The only difference was that the wife/husband came down the aisle together. It was a lovely affair..

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posted by brandi

thank you for you help. i am wanting to have a wedding type dress that i can pass on to my daughter as the first one i no longer have(long story). i love the idea of passing a wedding dress on to her. i have been looking at wedding dresses with short trains.

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posted by feb-bride

I think a short train would be okay; the type of train I was referring to was one that trails 4 to 6 feet behind the bride. That, in my opinion, would look absolutely foolish.

Also, keep in mind that your daughter may not want to use your dress when she gets married. I wouldn't want you to pick out a dress with the intent of her wearing it later, only to have her want a completely different dress when her time comes.

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posted by brandi

thank you for the advice...that's exactly what i was thinking

i was thinking my husband and i would walk in together...would a tape with a song on it be more appropriate than the traditioinal wedding march? im thinking it would, but will welcome any song suggestion.

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posted by feb-bride

I think the song you use to walk down the aisle is a personal decision. We aren't even using the "traditional" wedding march and this is a first marriage (not a vow renewal) for both of us. You could use "here comes the bride," but as you're a wife (not a bride) and will be walking down the aisle with your husband, it would sound a bit silly (only my opinion).

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posted by sci2

I am renewing my vows on our 10th anniversary and have done alot of research into it. I have asked countless wedding planners and wedding magazines and they all say go for the whole thing. i was married in a court house and never had a real wedding. They told me to get the dress and do it up.What do you think about it?

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posted by feb-bride

I still think it would look odd for a woman who has been married for 10 years to have a dress with a train and a veil with a blusher, but if you want to do it, go for it.

Like my advice to the original poster on this site, just make sure everything's worded so that people know it's a vow renewal and don't be hurt if not everyone gives you a gift since vow renewals do not carry gift-in-return obligations.

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posted by May19Bride

Ok, I am not sure where you're coming from feb-bride on some of your points. I agree that the unity candle would not be appropiate, as they're already united. The same with the father walking down the isle, the wife would already be given away. I like the idea of the husband and wife walking down together personally.
Anyway, what I don't understand is why is in inappropiate for them to have showers and such? I don't see anything wrong w/ that-with the understanding that it does not carry a gift giving obligation.
As far as what color dress, I think it would be a bad idea to wear white. Way back it used to be to show you were/are a virgin, at this point in todays day and age that usually is not the case, so more often than not, non-virgins wear white on their wedding day. So I see no reason why it would be a big deal.
I think if I was in that position, I would miss out on all the photos and such, and would love to have some to look back on, for children, grandchildren..so although it would be a wedding renewal, I would think that most would like it done up similar to a wedding.
Anyway, just my opinion.

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posted by feb-bride

I never said anything about not wearing white, May19. What I said is that I think it would look odd to have a dress with a train and a veil with a blusher. I said nothing about the color of the dress - I think that white would be fine. If I were having a vow renewal with my husband, I would probably wear a more simple white dress and I would NOT wear something with a train. I would also not wear a veil at all, let alone with a blusher.

As far as the pre-wedding parties, I do not think it's appropriate for an already-married woman to have a bridal shower. The whole point of a bridal shower is to "shower the bride with gifts" and is not proper for an already-married woman. If the husband and wife want to host a party before the vow renewal, that's their right, but it would not be called a bridal shower and gifts should not be expected (nor should the married couple register for gifts).

I'm not saying that I wouldn't buy a couple a gift for a vow renewal; I'm just saying that since it's not a traditional gift-giving occasion (like a wedding), people should not be disappointed by a possible lack of presents. I do know people who have renewed their vows and have been upset/disappointed by the lack of gifts given to them.

Also, you would not have bachelor and bachelorette parties as you are already married. The whole point of those pre-wedding parties is to have one last night out with the girls/guys before you're married. Obviously, this is not appropriate for people who have already been married for 10 years.

These are all my opinions, though. If people want to have all the pre-wedding parties and pretend that their vow renewal is their first wedding, go ahead. What I don't get is when people ask for advice and then get upset with the advice given is not what they want to hear. If you already know what you want to do and plan to do it no matter what, then why bother asking what others think?

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posted by May19Bride

I see where you're coming from for the most part, the white dress part was something you said a few posts up. you said that if it were you, that you'd probably wear an ivory dress and not white. I didn't understand why, if you're just more partial to that color, or if it's because the couple would already be married.
Also, I don't see anything wrong w/ the train and veil..like I mentioned it could be more of a way for them to get photos together that they never got.
Anyway, I see what you're saying with the shower..maybe a different type of before party could be arranged. Just a get together with punch and desserts something along those lines.
I also agree that it should not have a gift obligation (I myself would bring one) but should not be expected.
You're right though, everyone should plan it how they see fit.

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posted by feb-bride

May19 - that's the whole point - if it were ME, I'd probably not wear a white dress. I never said that others couldn't wear a white dress if that's what they want to wear. It's MY opinion that a white dress is for a first-time bride, but it's only my opinion and if another woman who's getting married for the second time or is having a vow renewal wants to wear a white dress, go ahead. It's her choice and her money. I was only giving my opinion.

I still don't understand why people ask for advice and then get upset when that advice isn't what they wanted to hear. It's not like my reply was rude or I said that someone was stupid for wanting to do something. If I had been rude or insulting, I could understand someone being upset with the advice I give, but I think I am very nice in my replies on this forum (and on all the forums).

I take all the posts on this site for what they are - opinions from different people. I love this site because it's a great place to get ideas and advice, but I don't get my nose all out of joint if someone gives me advice/suggestions and I don't agree. I just move on.

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posted by May19Bride

Well I read it as if you thought it was not appropiate to wear a white dress with a vow renewal. I was wondering why, for the reasons I stated. I was not sure if you were partial to the color ivory-or if you just thought it was in appropiate. I stated why I thought it wasn't a big deal either way.
You're right, this is a great site for opinions and such, and have never really found many people at all to be rude (a few here and there). This site helped me a GREAT deal plan my wedding and now I like to come back and read how everyone else is doing planning their weddings & hopefully give some advice or opinions.
I am not sure if it's me that you thought was being rude, if so I apologize, I too was only giving my opinion and must have come across the wrong way when I was only trying to look at altertative ways to look at a vow renewal.
The way I always pictured my wedding was big and beautiful and that is just what we had, but I think i would want to do some of the same things these ladies are doing too if I never got my big beautiful wedding. I mean I even miss it already(it's only been five months)-it's SO much fun to plan THAT day. (which is one of the main reasons I come back to read about everyone elses). I couldn't wait to stop being so busy doing all the planing and just relax for a weeekend, and now that we've got nothing to plan-I miss it. Luckily a friend just got engaged so I have been helping them out a lot.
I have totally gotten off track.
Anyways, sorry if I came off as being rude, just trying to play devils advocate and see why some a white dress and some would not.

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posted by feb-bride

No, May19 - you didn't come across as rude. I thought you felt I was rude!

I told my youngest sister (my MOH) that as soon as I'm married, she needs to hurry up and get engaged so I can plan another wedding! I *love* the entire planning process, but my sister said that she doesn't care for all of this and would rather elope. Her boyfriend said that he wants a "real" wedding with all the trimmings, so I told her I'd be happy to help with whatever needs to be done.

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posted by May19Bride

Oh, no,I didn't think you were being rude at all, just trying to put another spin on things and see where they're coming from.

Yes, I also enjoy planing wedding so much. I think it's more stressful to plan your own. We got married in a catholic church & had classes to go to & papers to have the preist see, and all different things for the ceremony alone, never mind all that other stuff (favors etc.). Anyway, VERY fun to plan so enjoy it now-the time flies!

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posted by guilgas

I think something that should be considered are the guests. Are the people who will be invited more traditional in which case you might want to be more conservative in the types of things you're planning to do. If they're more liberal and just want to have a great time at a vow renewal then you might be more comfortable having the whole big party. You wouldn't want to go out of your way to do all this planning if the people you're planning to invite will look at you funny. So I think for the most part it will depend on who all will be there and how most of them feel about your vow renewal.

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posted by wynelle

Well, I don't want to come off as rude, either,but to play devil's advocate also ..the whole point is that this is a vow renewal, NOT a wedding. So while you can have a wonderful time, and dress up and renew vows and pledge family bonding... the "other" stuff IS wedding stuff... the formal white dress and veil, the showers, the bachelor party, the "first dance as man and wife," garter-tossing. If you had a big formal (or small simple) wedding and wanted to replicate it in a vow renewal, I am sure everyone would think it lovely. But some people (probably more than we realize) think it is a waste of money, and incorrect from an etiquette standpoint to buy a white wedding dress, carry bouquets and decorate the church, etc, when you are already married. And a dress appropriate faor a vow renewal might not at all be what your daughter wants for her wedding. Just thinking all sides....Of course you should do what you and your husband want and are comfortable with...