Who pays for adult child's wedding?

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by casmom93 on 10/01/05. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by perplexed

My husband is being pressured to pay for the destination wedding of his 36 year old daughter who has been on her own in another state for 15 years and has lived with her fiance for 3 years. We are retired and are willing to contribute but think as a self-sustaining adult, she should pay for her own wedding. The groom has an extremely large family. Any advice?

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posted by Marge129

Neither set of parents is "obligated" to pay for the wedding of their child. I think it's just a nice gesture that some parents wish to do. If you want to help, offer her whatever you can. Don't let her pressure you into paying for things you can't afford... that's ridiculous. Personally, I think a 36 year old who has lived with her fiance for 3 years and on her own for 15 should pay for her own wedding (well...mostly).

My advice is to simply tell her that you do not wish to pay for the entire wedding, but offer what you can. The groom's family can also do this.

Good luck!

Margie

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posted by feb-bride

I was 28 years old when I got married. I'd been living with my husband for years and we had kids together. I didn't expect one cent from any of our parents because I felt that since we were on our own, we should pay for our own wedding.

That being said, my dad did offer a generous sum of money. I gratefully accepted it, but I would have NEVER expected him to offer anything, nor would I ever have asked.

You and your husband should offer what you can comfortably afford, and that's it. Your husband should NOT feel pressured to give more than he wants to or can reasonably afford. Besides, it's not just his money - it's your money too, and you should have a say in how much is given.

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posted by Holly

I agree with Marge and Feb-bride.

My husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves (I was 26, and he was a little over 30). Your husband should definitely not feel pressured to pay for the wedding -- just contribute what he wants to.

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posted by HeatherR

Same here- my husband and I paid for everything ourselves, with our parents giving us cash gifts for us to use as we pleased.

Heather

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posted by wynelle

I am almost embarrassed to admit the following:
First daughter to be married: 35, professional, just completed post graduate school, worked one year- first question asked "How much can you contribute to the wedding?" Was not living with 48 yr old boyfriend.
Second daughter (step-daughter) 30 years old, college graduate, working, living with boyfriend x 2 years, we had semi-supported her since graduation since she didn't want to work full-time, he wasn't working. she said "My mother said I was entitled to the wedding of my dreams and you had to pay for it."
Third daughter (step-daughter) 35, all but dissertation for PhD (but had been postponing the dissertation for 6 years), living with 49yr old military officer for 18 months. "Tom said we were paying for our own wedding, but can you pay for.......(ended up most of wedding).

We did contribute as much as we could, ended up paying over $40,000 for the three wedding. His ex-wife did help with the two daughters. But I think I was a bit offended at the expectation of these adult women that we would auomatically turn our checkbooks over to them, and with little or no say-so in the wedding planning.

There was a time when it was automatic for parents to pay for their daughter's wedding... but it was in the days when girls married straight out of high school or college. Nowadays, when many adult women are self-supportive and older when they get married, and especially when they are living with their fiances, they already have the things a wedding provided. They already have households and lifestyles, they shouldn't expect (now older parents) to pay for formal elaborate weddings. However, anything the parents wish to offer should be appreciated and gratefully accepted. In the case of this 36 year old woman's family...they are retired and she hasn't been under their protection for 15 years. They should pay for their own way to the destination wedding, perhaps host a suite for their daughter to stay with them until the big day. But not pay for the event unless they choose to.

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posted by catina

A 36 year old daughter, living on her own for many years, and with a few more with her fiance, should be paying for her own wedding. Contribute what you can and wish to, but let her know up front what your intentions are. Sounds like both you and your hubby are in agreement, so stick to your guns. Don't let her pressure you into more than you are willing and able to give.

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posted by Valdarie

Every situation is different, but I feel if it is a first wedding and there are no children involved then the parents should really support the bride financially. That being said, the bride and groom should be contributing above and beyond what a younger twentysomething couple would be able to afford.

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posted by syringa

When a "child" is 36 years old and has been on her own for many years, she should be embarrassed to ask her parents to finance her wedding. Don't feel obligated to help at all. If you want to help, you should decide how much, then let her pay the remainder of the costs.

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posted by helper

Same here- my husband and I paid for everything ourselves, with our parents giving us cash gifts for us to use as we pleased.

With this discussion, I am wondering....what is a traditional wedding. That is, when are parents expected to pay for an adult child's wedding? If the adult child has been living with the fiance for a year or two, both are working and make more money than the "father of the bride", should that bride be expecting a father to foot the bill? If so, shouldn't the father be able to have something to say about who is invited, how much he can afford, etc.? I think that two adults who have good paying jobs should pay for their wedding themselves? Right? Wrong?

Helper

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posted by Helper

Further comments: I feel that two adults in their twenties or thirties who are working and have decent incomes should be embarrassed to expect their parents to pay for their wedding. How pathetic!

Also, if parents "give in" to the spoiled adults getting married, what do they expect to happen if the parents of the bride are divorced? Should one of them be expected to pay and not the other?

Definition: Traditional wedding: Wedding which takes place as the bride moves her life and belongings directly from her parents' home to the home she is about to share with her groom.
If she has lived with her fiance, she is no longer a traditional bride.

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posted by HeatherR

Further comments: I feel that two adults in their twenties or thirties who are working and have decent incomes should be embarrassed to expect their parents to pay for their wedding. How pathetic!

I agree helper. I think times and etiquette are changing more and more. I don't even know if there any "traditional" wedding settings anymore. That includes living together, children before marriage, etc... In my opinion, I think it's simply because women are becoming more independent, not marrying so early in life and so on. More power to us . I was grateful for what our parents did, but we certainly didn't expect it.

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posted by Sereniti71

Hi All. I agree that adult children should pay for their own weddings, especially if they have been living together for 3 years. This couple has had at least 3 years to save money for the wedding. I don't expect my parents or my fiance's to pay one cent for our wedding. We are both thirty something and very independent. Even if the bride and groom are young and not quite self sufficient yet, if the parents are financially unable to afford a big wedding, I don't think the couple should expect parents to pay. Times have changed and it is very expensive to have a nice wedding these days. I think this 36 year-old woman should be ashamed of herself for demanding that her retired father foot the bill for her wedding! I think she needs to grow up.

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posted by not_bridezilla

I'm 35 and will be married next month after living with my fiance' for two years. When we first decided to get married, we simply assumed that we would be paying for it ourselves. I told my mom we were planning to wed and was surprised to find that money had been set aside for this eventuality. I intially tried to refuse it, because I know money is tight in my family, but she firmly insisted. It was a very kind and much appreciated gesture, but absolutely NOT expected, nor demanded.
That being said, there can be some rewards to helping, financially or otherwise. Planning this wedding with my mom has been a blast and brought us even closer together. It's an enjoyable experience we might not have shared if I had done it all alone as initially planned.

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posted by HeatherR


not, that's wonderful. How gracious of your Mom. I'm sure that your wedding is something she has dreamed for as long as you have.

My Mom was a single Mom, raised 4 of us, and I tried to refuse her money gift as well. She told me that I was silly, she was financially fine, and that I'm the "baby" and it's the least she can do.

Aww, now I really miss my Mom. (She's 4 hours away...)

I wonder what happened with perplexed. I would love an update to this thread!

Heather

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posted by bookbird

Hi,

I am hardly the authority in this topic, being 25 and newly engaged myself. But here is my take: if you have something to offer for the wedding, by all means do it, but it doesn't seem fair for her to ask you to pay for all of it, or to demand an especially large or fancy wedding (whoever pays for it). I'm currenlty in graduate school, with limited savings, and my parents have less than I do. Thus I'm planning a very simple wedding for which my fiancee and I will try the pay from our savings. My mom and want to help and will to an extent but, honestly, I see it as my responsiblity, and I think it would be terrible of me to demand money from that that they don't have (even though they'd give it gladly if it were there). I don't feel especially bad about it either. Of course it would be nice to have a ton of money to throw any kind of party I wanted--but really, this is the real world. Offer what you you can resonably afford and be willing to help, but it seems unwise (for your future) to do much more than that. If the amount isn't much, she can do something small. And if she really wants something bigger, perhaps she can chip in whatever additional is needed. At least, that seems fair to me...

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posted by lilhoney1976

I will be getting married for the 2nd time and my parents paid for my first wedding(i was 20). Traditionally the bride's parents are supposed to pay for the wedding,However, these days, anything goes. My fiance' and I are dead set against my parents contributing a dime. However,my parents are not trying to hear it and insist on paying for the bulk of it especially because they didn't really approve of the last marriage and are crazy about the guy I'm with now. We have opted to let them contribute what they want to contribute but, are putting limits. We believe it is our responsibility to pay for it ourselves. My fiance' is 35 and I am 28. I don't feel it is fair for the bride to pressure anyone to pay for HER wedding. She should not have a wedding if she knows she cannot afford it and I think that's kind of selfish if you don't mind me saying so. She should be greatful to get any contributions at all. Good luck to everyone in this forum, and best wishes. Smooches!

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posted by okiekristi79

Hi. My fiance and I have been living together for 5 years. We tried to elope in Vegas 4 years ago when we were going to attend his mother's 4th wedding. We thought it was best to ask for their permission being that they were paying our way out there. Well, they decided that there wasn't time for us to do that and since it was her husband's first wedding they weren't too crazy about us having a fast wedding. They said if we waited they would pay for it. My mother is disabled and barely makes enough to take care of herself. Eventually all talk of our wedding stopped and now we have decided to just save and pay for it ourselves. I think it is rude for people to expect others to pay. I think if you want a wedding and are grown, expect to pay yourself (unless you know parents expect to pay) and then if contributions come your way, graciously accept. My fiance's sister DEMANDED her father pay as much as possible for her wedding even though she was marrying a wealthy man, and he used his entire savings (barely making a dent in the $40,000 wedding)and ended up loosing his job a few weeks later and loosing his house. I often wonder if she thinks it was worth it.

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posted by LadyJ

That's a terrible story, okiekristie! How rude to 'make' a parent pay for a wedding, and then they lose everything!! OMG! That's also unfortunate that you tried to wed, but were talked out of it. I hope you can make something work that will please you and FH.

This is one of many reasons we're eloping soon, we don't want anyone to pay for the wedding but us!

ladyj

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posted by enelvan

My fiance will be 25 and i will be 21 when we get married...I will not be asking for any help in our wedding. He will be fresh out of college and I will be attending still. His parents and my mother have been gracious enough to help us through what hard times we have had and I expect nothing else from these wonderful people. I think that asking your parents to pay for your wedding is a horrible thing to do! Especially since not a thing about this century is traditional. I moved out on my own at 18 and I live with my FH. We both work very hard to support ourselves and save money to the best of our abilities. We know what we are capable of and set our hopes for that.

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posted by skylarmarie

I'm 25, and my fiance is 28, we have been living together for over 8 years now,and we have 2 kids together, our wedding is in June, we had planned on paying for everything ourselfs, but my father and my stepdad both wanted to help, my father got my hall and my stepdad got my dress and is going to pick up my fiance's tux, besides that we are getting the rest ourselves.

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posted by labeadel

You know I've kept quiet about his for a while now, but I thought I finally had to put my 2 cents in. I don't think it's fair of anyone to say that someone asking their parents for help with their wedding is "horrible." We're not all in the same boat and we can't understand each other's situation. But I keep reading what so many people are writing and are making me feel so bad that we are having our parents help pay for the wedding. And I don't like that I feel bad for that. I know our parents are loving that they can help out, and would've offered even if we hadn't brought it up. Actually my parents cancelled a trip before we got engaged because they saw it coming and would rather have put that money toward our wedding rather than a trip, so we knew that they were already planning on helping. And we did talk with my FH's parents to see if they were planning on or could contribute. We worked it all out best for everyone and all is good. And I have read in ettiquette books that one of the first things you need to do is figure out your budget, which means sitting down with both sets of parents and figuring out who can contribute what amount. Of course we wouldn't have been offended if they couldn't help like we were hoping, and in that case we just would've gone to a tropical place and got married there, just the two of us.
But I just wanted to write and let you guys know that it's not a horrible, pathetic or selfish thing to do in every situation, and anyone putting that label on it is not being fair. Thanks for letting me vent. In this situation, I was just going to keep my thoughts to myself, but after the last insult, I had to write. Not everyone had negative things to say though. Thanks guys.

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posted by SuzyBride

I think there just needs to be a distinction made between EXPECTING parents to pay and ASKING parents to pay. I agree that if you expect your parents to pay that is pathetic and extremely rude. Asking your parents to pay or to help pay is different. I think asking is ok as long as you are willing to accept it and hold no grudges if they say no. My parents are paying for my wedding and my FMIL is helping also. I am paying for little things as I can. I am still in school and doing the best I can. My parents know that and would have been let down, offended, and very very hurt if they had not been allowed to pay for my wedding. It would have been a huge blow to my dads pride. However, if I was working, had a career and was completely on my own, I would be paying the bulk of the wedding.

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posted by feb-bride

labeadel - I don't think anyone has implied that it's horrible if parents help pay for a child's wedding. What I think is selfish/rude/horrible is when adult children EXPECT or DEMAND that their parents pay, even when said parents are really not in a financial position to do so.

I've seen brides complain about parents who are unwilling/unable to help with wedding expenses. These are brides who EXPECT that their parents will pay, and become furious when the parents are unwilling or unable to do so.

My dad/step-mom did help with wedding expenses, and I was truly grateful. However, I did not EXPECT them to help, I never asked them to help, and I would not have been upset AT ALL if they hadn't offered.

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posted by enelvan

I'm so sorry! I never meant to cause insult! I was just saying basically the same thing. I don't think you should just expect it, but it's okay to ask. My fiance and I are lucky enough to be able to afford it on our own. In 2007, lol. But that's okay. We personally just felt that our parents have helped us out enough recently. We have borrowed a very large sum total from both his parents and my mother.

§-Enelvan-§

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posted by e-star

I also think it's all to do with the attitude of the bride and groom. If they are sitting there expecting mom and dad to fork over their life savings then that is wrong. My parents are paying for my wedding but I made it clear that if they couldn't or wouldn't, my FH and I would be happy to wait a year or 2 so we could save up the money and pay for it ourselves. Both my FH and both trying to show our appreciation by givign my parents plenty of opportunities to provide input- we got their opinion on choosing the reception venue, setting the date etc.