This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by Sereniti71 on 1/26/05. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.
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posted by Sereniti71
Hi Ladies,
How do you feel about prenups? Specifically, if someone is considering one, do you think they have doubts about the marriage or are they just covering all the bases? I would like to bring up the topic with my FH but I believe he will think I am having doubts about whether or not our marriage will work, or that I don't trust him. While I have no intention of getting divorced, we know that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. I plan to be on the other side of the fence, but we just never know what the future holds. How would you bring this topic up? Thanks.
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posted by syringa
A pre-nup is a good idea if either of you owns quite a bit of personal property, a home, or a business. If the two of you are coming into the marriage without much in the way of personal property, you may not need an agreement.
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posted by wynelle
Also check out your state's divorce laws. Many states acknowledge that what a person brings into a marriage, they retain after a marrige. So if you own property, a business, a professional license when you are married, they they remain yours undivided when you divorce, unless you choose to put the spouse's name on the title, etc. I think prenups are important when an adult couple (with children from previous marriages/relationships) married. You want to be sure family heirlooms from your grandmother stay within that side of the family unless you personally make a gift of the items. We read too many stories of elderly couples marrying, one dies first, and the children of the other spouse inherit everything, including personal items and property that have been in the other spouses family for years.
Prenups are not necessarily to prepare for divorces, but to protect marriages and children.
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posted by feb-bride
I don't know. My husband and I didn't have vast amounts of property or money when we got married, so we didn't even consider getting one.
They just seem so unromantic to me, but I can see why some people would want one. I'm not sure how you would go about bringing up the topic, especially if you think your FI would assume you're having doubts about your marriage lasting. If you're going to pre-marriage counseling, perhaps you could ask the counselor to bring up the topic.
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posted by catina
Unless you have vast amount of money, property, inheritances to come etc. I wouldn't get one personally. My husband and I had our own "posessions" when we entered into this relationship, have given 100 100 (dont' like 50/50 - it implies we're not in 100%!) the whole time, and what's his is mine and what's mine is mine (kidding)- his. He's made more money than me the whole time, but we share 100%. I may feel different if I had more, (not that I need anymore) but I think it really can give the wrong impression. Tread lightly on this one. Do you really have that much more then he does entering into this marriage? Is it worth the risk of possibly upsetting him and putting a wall between you to start the marriage? Think about it carefully. If you Britney Spears rich and Kevin Fenderwhatever, in that case I would have for sure!!
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posted by feb-bride
I agree with you, catina. I can see if one of you is extremely wealthy and the other is not, especially depending on the laws in your state.
I do know, though, that prenups can be so much more than "advance divorce preparations." I've heard of people putting all sorts of things in prenups, including which religion (if any) children will be raised in, and - get this - how often the couple will have sex. I've heard of people using prenups as a way to set the "ground rules" for the marriage.
Honestly, though, my husband and I never even thought about having a pre-nuptial agreement. I think I would have been offended had my husband asked me for one, and I can be pretty sure that he would have been offended had I asked for one.
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posted by catina
I'm with you there, feb-bride. But, having in writing how often you have sex?? Yikes! So if you decide you want "it" one night, let me check, no sorry we've already done the limit according to the pre-nup!!
Sorry, but if you need to have in writing all those things before-hand, your marriage is doomed!
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posted by feb-bride
No, kidding, catina!
The "sex" prenup was something that I saw on television several years ago. I don't remember what I was watching. It was some sort of news show (like 20-20 or Dateline NBC or something like that). This couple covered virtually EVERYTHING in their prenup. They even covered things like who was responsible for each household chore, who would be responsible for each form of care they would need to give to any children born to them, the fact that each person in the marriage must put their shoes and coats away when they come home from work, etc. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous.
Wonder if they're still married.
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posted by munchkin
I think Britney Spears has something about having sex at least three times a week in her prenup. I think it's an "at least" but it doesn't matter if they have sex more than that.
Kind of disturbing.
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posted by HeatherR
Quote:
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Wonder if they're still married.
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They're not. What you saw was the real "War of the Roses." They are actually a couple with the last name of Rose. I just tried looking it up but all I can find are articles about the movie (great movie by the way).
Heather
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posted by feb-bride
Gee, what a surprise. If you even have to address putting away shoes in writing, then you have some serious issues.
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posted by HeatherR
I'm looking at my bedroom right now wishing I would have put something in writing about my husband's basketball clothes all over the damn place!
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posted by feb-bride
Yeah, and I wish I had something in writing about my husband's horrible tendency to leave his work files strewn all around the living room.
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posted by Sereniti71
Well, we both have property. At the present time, mine is worth more, and my salary is about 40K higher than his. Of course, I don't want to ever get divorced, but was just wondering if I need to protect myself in case that happens. I don't want to lose my property or pay any palimony. I guess I started thinking about this after hearing some terrible stories from a friend who made more than her hubby. When they got divorced, she had to buy him out of the house and pay palimony to keep him living in the style to which he had become accustomed. Of course, she made a great deal more than he did.
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posted by asyouwish
I recommend a pre-nup if you have valuables that have been in the family or if you have are apart of a family business. In part- marriage is a gamble. You are betting that you will make it. Knowing you are going to loose financially if you can't make it work is a part of the gamble. However don't gamble on great grandma's farm or the business your dad built from scratch.
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posted by wynelle
Sereniti... you make a lot more than your FH, and from other posts you have indicated concern regarding the money he sends his mother, interference from her regarding your wedding ring, etc. In your case, I think it might be important to have a prenup. For example, if his mother has adequate income, but keeps hitting Sonny boy for money and he gives it, then his income is effectively decreased. When the income is so different, some couples will have an agreement on how to handle family finances (ie each contribute XXXX to "community money" to pay mortgage, household bills, etc, and can use remaining money as personally desires.) That way, you don't have to be upset that he is giving his mother and brother money, and he is still contributing equally to household expenses. Also, this is hard to believe, but I knew of a case where the couple divorced, and the exMIL sued the former wife for support, since she had supported the hubby and the hubby had sent money to Mom. Without the ex-wife's income, hubby couldn't send money to MOM. No one marries with the intention to divorce, but you are a classic example of someone who would have to buyout the house, unless it was in your name only prior to the wedding, and you would quite possibly have to pay him alimony.
Prenuptial agreements
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