Cost Of Being A BP Member

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by TheaterDiva1 on 6/14/05. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by TheaterDiva1

I was talking to one of my BM's last night, and we were talking about her daughter's dress (daughter is our FG. Actually, their whole family is in the wedding party (her husband is a best man, and their son is RB). Anyway, she mentioned that between her and FG's gown/alterations/shoes/hair and husband and RB's tuxedos, it will cost about $1000 for the family just to get out the door! Now, I tried to pick BM dresses in a lower price range (in fact, this same BM helped me choose between that and another dress), and she asked me to help pick the dress for her daughter (I don't know how much it was, but both mother and daughter were so in love with that dress I wouldn't have had the heart to not have her wear it even if I did find something better, which I ddn't). I left hairstyling optional - she herself said she wanted an updo and will have her daughter's hair done as well at my hairdresser's with everyone else. I don't know if her husband's buying a tux or renting, but my FI said he (the best man) would most likely purchase a more expensive tux (around $600). I felt terrible when she told me how much this was costing, and if I could afford it, I would pitch in and pay for some things like hair styling and FG's dress, but I can't. Do our requests seem unreasonable, financial or otherwise?

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posted by teddy6

No, from what you've stated, that does not sound unreasonable. The fact is that it is expensive to be in a wedding! My FI was best man in an out of town wedding this weekend. Till all was said and done, we figured we spent close to $700 between tux, plane tickets, rental car, hotel, etc. So I can only imagine what it would cost for a whole family even if they are not out of town. But that's the way it is and I think most people realize that. She could have gracefully declined your invitation for them to participate if she felt they were not financially able.

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posted by serialkitten

I don't think that it sounds unreasonable, especially because she is helping to make these decisions.

A tux is very expensive, and if her husband wants to buy instead of rent, that is a completely optional cost.

If it will make you feel better, let her know that her family being in your wedding is gift enough (as in - don't buy us a wedding gift on top of everything else)

If you think about it - it averages about $250 per party member, which is not that bad with attire & hair. $1000 would be a bit much to ask of ONE person, but seeing as though it is actually FOUR people I don't think it's an unfair amount.

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posted by HeatherR

I don't know Theater, I think $1,000 is a lot for one family. I do understand that weddings are expensive, believe me... I paid for the FG dress b/c my sister had to come up to NY from GA. I also paid for all hair and makeup, but left it optional for them if they wanted it.

I do agree with serial in that if he wants to purchase a tux, that's his decision. I would do as she said and let them know that you do not expect a wedding gift on top of all they already spending...

It's really hard though, so I know how you feel. I felt so guilty for the amount everyone was spending to be in the wedding. I think that's part of being a bride.

Heather

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posted by gymrat

serialkitten~

I wish I were in your wedding because if it only averages $250 then that is a HELL of difference from the one wedding I have been in ($1600) already and my brother's wedding that is taking place later this year ($500-BM dress, shoes, hair, travel, hotel, etc- which is down from $500 just for the BM dress plus then everything else).

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posted by serialkitten

Hi Gymrat,

Actually I meant $1000 divided by 4 family memebers averages $250.

MY wedding has no attendant, only 4 flower girls - I paid for their attire and they won't be having their hair done (some of them still barely have hair!) so the average for my wedding is actually closer to ($75 dress, $10 fairy wings, $10 shoes, $15 necklace (gift)). $110 per party member.

$1600 (even $500) for one person is A LOT!! My god - there is no way that I could afford to be in a wedding like that. That's more than I spent on my OWN wedding dress - haha!

That will be my new rule of thumb: "I refuse to spend more on a dress to be in your wedding than I did on a dress to be in mine!" (My dress cost $399)

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posted by gymrat

serialkitten~

Yeah, I told my brother that his fiance and him were crazy to think I would pay more for a BM outfit then my own wedding dress ($450) even if it was his wedding. I guess when you pay $1500 like the bride did for your wedding dress that $500 is nothing.

The bride has tried to push me out of the wedding party several times especially when I speak up (they do ask for opinions so I just give my honest thoughts). She does this when my brother is not around to hear (in person or on the phone). And only recently my brother found out when his fiance ruined my birthday surprize and did not tell him the truth about calling my mom and dad. She called my mom and dad to tell them I was pregnant and to expect a call from me soon. I was going to be calling in just over a weeks time on my birthday to give my parents the news about their first grandchild. I told my brother what his fiance did but he did not believe me. When my mom told him that I was correct and that his fiance ruined my surprize he listened to mom.

Her friends are being very nice and saying $500 for the outfit plus paying for every thing else is okay for them. Though, my brother has even said that most of these friends of the bride and them (my brother and fiance) make less money than my hubby and I do.

So I am just trying to make it through their wedding since I had to guess at what size my dress should be. I am pregnant and will have given birth about a month before their wedding.

Smiles,
Lisa Marie

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posted by TheaterDiva1

First, congratulations on your pregnancy Lisa Marie!

Second, that bride sounds like a manipulatice b****! Are you close with your brother? (I assume so since you're in the wedding for him). Maybe the bride's jealous and thinks she'll never have him to herself after the wedding or something like that, but still, that's not right.

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posted by serialkitten

Gymrat,

That is HORRIBLE! I can't believe she ruined your surprise like that - what did your brother have to say about it when he finally believed she did it?

It's too bad that it's your brother's wedding, otherwise the choice would be easy - I wouldn't have to be pushed out - I'd jump of that boat the first chance I got, but seeing as though it's your brother....

Congratulations on your pregnancy! When are you due?

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posted by gymrat

Thanks ladies. I am due 22 Sept according to my last ultrasound (original date was 30 Sept).

My brother or his fiance have yet to apologize or even acknowledge what she did. My mom and I think that she is just wanting ALL the attention on her so that is why she did it.

This is not the first time my brother's fiance has caused problems/difficulties for me or my family. My brother and I use to be very close but since they started dating he seems to be losing contact with me and our family. It also does not help that we live a few hours apart from one another.

I would not be in my brother's wedding but before his fiance ever came along we agreed that we wanted each other as a member of our wedding parties. It gets even harder now to be in their wedding because the bride is VERY persist about not having children at the reception but they can attend the ceremony. I typically would agree but my baby is only going to be one month old, I will be nursing if possible, my brother has already agreed the baby can attend the reception, we are driving several hours to where the bride is from and none of my family members or friends live, and I AM IN THE WEDDING PARTY. Plus, the comment has already been made basically that my husband should stay with the baby in our hotel room for the reception.

Smiles,
Lisa Marie

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posted by wynelle

To give the poor manipulative bitch the benefit of the doubt... when she said there were to be no children at the wedding, you didn't know you were pregnant. She wasn't saying it just to keep your baby away, she menat it for all babies. In your case, is it possible that as the bride, she wants to be the center of attnetion, that she doesn't want the groom's mother (your mother) to be tied up with the baby when the MOG should be enjoying the wedding and reception? As much as I love my brother, I would have been annoyed if at my wedding, she was expected to watch his child. And did you specifically tell her it was a secret that you were pregnant? That no one was to know? She doesn't sound close enough for you to trust with that big a secret. I think she would be the last person to know, especially considering all the problems she has caused.

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posted by gymrat

wynelle~

My brother and fiance decided after they realized how expensive a wedding was because the bride had about 400 people she wanted to invite for her side alone not to have children at the reception (which happened after my wedding). My brother knew before I got married that my now hubby and I were going to try to become parents as soon as our honeymoon was over (it was a few months after our wedding).

My brother said to me after the no children at the reception rule was decided that I did not have to worry about it because if I had a baby s/he WOULD attend. He was not going to have his godchild not attend his wedding along with the facts that I am his only sibling and in the wedding party.

My parents agree with me that their first grandchild should be at the reception so I, their daughter, and my hubby can take care of our baby. They do not believe that a perfect stranger who I will have never met and will be taking care of other children that are not permitted at the reception should take care of a newborn. My father has already told my brother that he would leave the reception to take care of the baby if the baby was not permitted because a newborn should be with her/his parents which then also takes my mother away from the reception. I am not expecting my mother or father to watch my baby but I know they will want to since this will be the second day of three they will see their first grandchild. I live 12 hours away from my parents.

My mother and I already think she wants to be the center of attention ALL the time. The bride has shown that she careless about my family beyond my brother. She asked my mother to make her veil and ring bearer pillow but then went and purchased them and never told my mother not to make them. That was pretty DAMN rude of her to have my mother spend her time on things no longer needed.

I told the bride that every month that my hubby and I waited to see if I got my period and I was waiting to see if I got my next one. And when I finally got pregnant that my hubby and I were NOT going to tell our families for 2 months because the first trimester is when miscarriage is most likely to happen. The reason why the bride thought I was pregnant even after I told her I WAS NOT was because of the size of my dress. She could not believe what size dress the store lady told me I was. I went to the bridal store the week before and was measured. The designer makes his dresses small so I was in a large size (16) for me (usually 10-12).

There was not secret for her since I said I WAS NOT pregnant. I cannot even think why someone would call someone else's mother and father to tell them that their daughter was pregnant. If I thought someone was pregnant even if she said that she was not, I WOULD NOT call their parents and say to be waiting for a phone call cause your daughter is pregnant.

You are correct that I would not trust her with a big secret of mine.

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posted by wynelle

She just sounds horrible! Its hard to understand why someone as nice as your brother would fall for her, especially after she continues to do mean, evil things to your mother and to you. Well, there's 4 months to go. Maybe he will come to his senses...or you can all kidnap him and send him through deprogramming therapy.

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posted by gymrat

My brother is in the Air Force so the military/government would be after us for kidnapping one of their GIs. he he

My family and I wonder at times if my brother and her do go through with this if it will last. Sometimes, we wonder how they have lasted this long. Their apartment has a few holes in the walls/doors from both of them (punches/kicks/objects thrown at the walls/doors) when they fight plus the yelling and cursing that we have heard them do. I know I have never been in a relationship like theirs and my parents never fought they like to.

We want what is best for my brother and she is what he thinks is best for him so we are as supportive as we can be.

Smiles,
Lisa Marie

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posted by reecey

I was talking to one of my BM's last night, and we were talking about her daughter's dress (daughter is our FG. Actually, their whole family is in the wedding party (her husband is a best man, and their son is RB). Anyway, she mentioned that between her and FG's gown/alterations/shoes/hair and husband and RB's tuxedos, it will cost about $1000 for the family just to get out the door! Now, I tried to pick BM dresses in a lower price range (in fact, this same BM helped me choose between that and another dress), and she asked me to help pick the dress for her daughter (I don't know how much it was, but both mother and daughter were so in love with that dress I wouldn't have had the heart to not have her wear it even if I did find something better, which I ddn't). I left hairstyling optional - she herself said she wanted an updo and will have her daughter's hair done as well at my hairdresser's with everyone else. I don't know if her husband's buying a tux or renting, but my FI said he (the best man) would most likely purchase a more expensive tux (around $600). I felt terrible when she told me how much this was costing, and if I could afford it, I would pitch in and pay for some things like hair styling and FG's dress, but I can't. Do our requests seem unreasonable, financial or otherwise?

First of all, why is he purchasing a tux? That is a choice he is making. He can rent a tux for under 150.00 - as for the hair, they don't have to have it professionally done - I'm sure that's about 120.00 alone. According to wedding ettiquette, the bride is supposed to pay for the flower girl's dress and the groom is to pay for the ring bearer's tux. Sometimes this isn't done due to budget restrictions, I understand, but if you want the child in your wedding, you should be prepared to pay for it. It is very expensive to be in a wedding. But its their gift to the happy couple. You did not requre that the best man BUY an insanely expensive tux. You did not demand that your bridal party have their hair professionally styled. They're making a consious choice to do all of these things. Maybe instead of feeling like crying, suggest some alternatives to the family for cutting costs.

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posted by Sarah76

I know I've mentioned this before on a forum, but here in the UK, the bride/groom pay for their attendants' outfits. So I have paid for my MOH's dress; and my FH is paying for the hire of his best man's suit. I am also paying for my MOH to have her hair/makeup done on the day. I think it's a much fairer system. Why should other people have to pay to buy outfits they'll probably only be able to wear once, outfits that they didn't pick out, to appear in your wedding? (please note when I say "you" I'm not singling the forum poster out, just speaking in the third person!) As we all know, it's expensive enough to attend a wedding- my MOH and her boyfriend will be paying for a hotel room, plus wedding gift. I would feel really bad making her pay for her outfit, too. Where's the "honour" in that? If you can't afford to pay for your attendants' outfits- don't have so many attendants.

I think it's different if someone steps in and says they actually WANT to pay for their entire attendant outfit because they want to be in the wedding so badly- say, if the bride and groom didn't have much money, and their attendants had more. For example, my MOH paid for her shoes, because she picked them out and says she will wear them again. But I don't think attendants should be EXPECTED to foot the bill for their outfits. The whole concept of having to pay for a dress you might not even like, just because your friend (the bride) wants you to wear it, seems wrong to me....

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posted by feb-bride

I agree, Sarah, and I live in the US. I paid for my attendants' attire. The only thing they had to pay for was their shoes. I gave them the option of wearing black shoes (something they probably already owned), but the women chose to go with dyeable shoes, so I didn't pay for them.

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posted by Meriarijim

Theater:
I agree with the in leiu of gift comments... Additionally, if they had a wedding before they had kids, they obviously knew the expenses involved, and had every opportunity to decline. If they can't "really afford it" they wouldn't be buying tuxes, and paying for someone to do their hair. It sound's like this BM just wants to hear how important and special she is and how grateful you are that they're going through all the trouble. She just needs a little ego boosting.

Gymrat:
I agree that the cost of being in the wedding is INSANE but it's also something you agreed to... This is assuming that you knew this bride-to-be and her "society" attitude in advance. After all you are so close to your brother, I'm guessing you've known the women he dated.

If the money's that big of a deal you could have declined once you knew what the expenses would be.

To me it sound's like you're jealous of your brother's wife, butting in on your relationship with him. I know you're probably just letting off a little steam... so hopefully you'll be able to let it go now.

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posted by gymrat

Meriarijim~

FYI I really do not even know my brother anymore. He has certainly seemed to change for the worse because of his wife-to-be. My family and I wonder how he could turn into this other person and he is not as nice, loving, and caring.

I barely know my brother's fiance and I doubt I would be friends with her if I met her any where. From what I have seen she says one thing but does the complete opposite.

I agreed to be in my brother's wedding before his fiance EVER CAME INTO THE PICTURE! I want to be there and support my brother. I think ever BM/GM has a right to express their opinion if they think something is to EXPENSIVE! Plus, I heard never seen or heard of having to pay $500 for the outfit to be in someone's wedding. My brother even agrees that his fiance went off the deep end for the price of the BMs outfits and her own dress.

I am PISSED at how my brother's fiance no longer permits his family to have a relationship with him. She thinks that she and her family should be the people in his life. She has told my brother when they were fighting that I was not allowed to visit before. I know this because they were fighting while he was on the phone with me and he said it to me after she yelled it at him. I think that is a bit odd especially when I had not seen my brother in probably 1.5 years (at that time) and I only planned to spend 2 days at his house which was a 12 hour drive away. I did not plan to interfere with any plans he already had but would like to see him while I was out his way.

I had let it go because everything has been taken care of but you bringing at back up and NOT EVEN knowing who I am and judging me pissed me the F*** OFF!!! Now, I feel better. I just love the hormones while pregnant.

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posted by gymrat

If anyone plans to respond about my reply to Meriarijim, you probably will get the same type of response back-a B*TCHY one! I am in no mood to take SH*T today.

Smiles,
Lisa Marie

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posted by feb-bride

Actually, Lisa Marie, the person you should be pissed at is your brother - not his fiancee'. He is allowing her to run his life. If he really doesn't like it, he could always dump her.

Ah, I remember the "don't F with me" days of pregnancy. I sometimes miss being able to have that as a justification for being b*tchy!

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posted by HeatherR

LisaMarie I'm with you on this one, lol.

You guys are too funny!

Heather

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posted by chelsea

Feb-bride and gymrat, LOL! We won't mess with you today, gymrat. Hope your weekend gets better, though!

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posted by SkyeCPHT

Diva, just wanted to pop in and give my 2 cents. I just had a conversation with my sister yesterday because she was freaking out about how much it's gonna cost to be in my wedding. Her dress was $95; I don't know how much her alterations or shoes cost, because I left the shoe choice up to them. But she was also upset about the hair & makeup -- I told her she didn't have to get it professionally done -- I told her I would do them for her if she wanted, and I'm fine with that. But she was like "NO I WANT TO HAVE IT PROFESSIONALLY DONE" so I was like okay. Then she thought for some reason that she had to pay for her share of the limo (??? don't know where she would get that idea) and she was complaining about that till I said hey I'm taking care of it.

Bottom line, if you aren't REQUIRING certain things, and if they are making the choices to have the updo, buy the tux, etc., then that's on them. Don't let that stress you out. My sister wants to complain about the cost, but I'm not requiring her to go buy expensive shoes, I'm not requiring her to get her hair & makeup done, so it's like I don't want to hear it. I'm not saying you should be rude to your BM, but maybe offer some suggestion like, hey I'll do your hair and makeup for you or something. Believe me, if I could afford it, I'd be paying for all my attendants' dresses and hairdos and whatnot. I'm not rich though and they knew from the beginning that they will be taking on these costs themselves.

Good luck!

)
cristin

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posted by SWallace

I think shes just looking for somebody (You) to tell her how much you appreciate all their support (Time, emotions, and MONEY) and that you really do understand the length they have gone to support you. So say thanks

SW