future mom-in-law says I'm cheap

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This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by sugarbare on 12/06/01. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by sugarbare

This is really bugging me...she said I was cheap. I think that's plain rude and here are some reasons why she probably said that: 1) I went to David's for the $99 dres sale. Of course all the $99 dresses were crappy so of course I didn't buy one...I got one I really loved and ended up paying a lot more than I had anticipated. 2) I want chicken at the reception. It is $25 cheaper per person than the filet mignon that his family would prefer but I do not eat red meat...why would I choose that? I can see maybe giving a choice of beef or chicken but the reception is at a pretty posh hotel and it's costing my family at lot of money as it is. 3) I bought favors for the guests...1 per couple or single person. I bought nicely packaged boxes of Christmas balls that match my brides maids dresses and (we're getting married near next Christmas) 4) Instead of shelling out $1000 to get Crane Co to make my invitations for me I've decided to buy the materials in bulk at Staples and do it myself. The invitation will look really nice- ivory card with white vellum on top and a sheer gold bow, just like the ones they sell at Crane. 5) My fiancee and I decided to get lots of casual china rather than fine china.

So, for all these reasons...she says I am cheap. Sorry if I like to get a good deal on things...but I think I know when it's important to spend money a little extra money and I do it when I have to. Sorry I don't plan on hosting old-lady dinner parties with $150 per setting fine china. Geez.

Oh, did I mention that niether my fiancee or his family has paid or offered to pay for 1 cent of our wedding? I've only been in the job world for 1 1/2 years-- so not like I've got a lot to spend in the first place...and I've paid for everything so far all by myself...so I'm the cheap one? That's so rude. How should I deal with this? It really gets me mad and I'm afriad that I'll burst and say something I'll regret.

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posted by April-daisy

Wow, that is tough!! Have you talked w/ your Fi, about this? I kind of have a similair prob, but I'm doing it all on my own, my parents give moral support but that can't give financial support. His parents ( no, his mom) is willing to look at and window shop at everthing, that is out of our budget. What my best advice is, is what I keep telling myself everday, "This is going to be the best day of my life, and as long as it feels right in my heart, and swell w/ my Fi it's the BEST, and thats what I deserve." So, girl you are x3 better than any wowman whos going to judge you on something she knows nothing about. This is your wedding she has already had hers. Unless, she is going to hand over a blank check. Then send her a invitation and say I hope you can make it and ps. B.Y.O.S. - bring your steak,( he he he) Come on we all know chkn is better for you any way. But talk to your man, and let him put his mom in her place. Don't let her tear you up.
Good luck , I hope I gave you hope. It's YOUR day, I can not stress that enough.

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posted by scotty

Ouch!! That was rude! I'm not sure how you responded, but remember you are marrying his family, too! Don't let her comments bother you!!! Especially since she isn't paying for any of it! You should be proud of yourself for finding the great deals you have and actually *budgeting.* Not a bad quality for a future daughter-in-law! I would politely tell her that you are choosing what suits YOU, and that hand-making some of your items is a much better way to cherish your wedding-planning and put your personal touch into your wedding! Bravo for you! I made programs, announcement, favors AND paid less than $500 dollars for my wedding dress, too. You will have a perfect wedding that fits YOU, not her. Any other lip from her should be referred to your fiance! And good for you for paying your own way! I think her recent behavior is clear caution NOT to accept money from her. Then, you would have a problem. Good luck to you! Just enjoy your day and remember some people just don't get it! You're not cheap.

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posted by feb-bride

First off, you are NOT cheap. What in the hell is wrong with wanting to spend money wisely, not as if it grows on trees?

Second, what does your fiance' have to say about all of this? Does he defend you, or does he allow his mom to rip you to shreds because he doesn't want to defy his mommy? I really hope that he doesn't let his mom talk to you this way. If she's already doing this to you and you're not even married yet, I shudder to think about how rude she will be to you once you're her daughter-in-law.

If I were you, I'd talk to your fiance' (not his mom) and tell him how her words make you feel. He needs to be the one to stick up for you - if you do it for yourself, you'll end up looking like the stereotypical bitchy daughter-in-law, which is certainly not the way you want to start out in a new family.

Since you're paying for the wedding, make the choices you want to make and don't let anyone make you feel badly for those choices. Good luck and feel free to come back here anytime you have stuff to talk about.

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posted by sugarbare

Thanks for the advice everyone. I had told my fi that his mom saying I was cheap really bothered me, but here's the thing-- he agreed! I couldn't believe he said that, I mean, I know he can't contribute anything to the wedding yet (he's still in law school so he doesn't have a job yet-- but he does have tons of educational loans to repay) but still... I asked how he could possibly think that. I wanted to know what I was doing that was cheap...he changed his response and decided that he feels that I am being frugal. Ok, frugal is not cheap. Frugal is a good thing. I can deal with frugal, but he thinks I should be spending more money on things I don't even think we need. I don't think there's any way I can win here. I want him to stick up for me but I doubt he will...and what am I supossed to do threaten him? No way. I think the main reason HE feels this way is because of one more thing I didn't mention...instead of getting a limo for just him and I, I was looking into getting a wedding coach (it's like one of those little shuttle buses, but all white). I haven't decided on what we're going to do but he's being adamant that he will not not ride in a limo (which I think is silly). So, why would I want this coach thing? First off it will seat my entire wedding party...it's nice because after the wedding if we go somewhere for pictures we can be all together. Secondly, it's easier for me, my bridemaids, and my grandfather (he'd ride with us too) to get in and out of, more so than a limo. Third, the reception is literally less than 1 mile away from the church...what difference does it make what we ride in? Fourth, it costs about the same as a limo, but more people will be able to fit in it... We haven't decided what we're doing but he just won't budge...I thought that maybe if he wanted a limo so badly, he could pay for it. That way the limo could pick his guys up and the coach could pick me and my family up...then after the wedding, him and I (and maybe the maid of honor and the best man) could ride in the limo (AN ENTIRE 5 MINUTE RIDE!) and everyone else in our party could go in the coach. That sounds good right? I think that would be a good compromise...maybe if he won't pay for his limo I could call him cheap! (just kidding)

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posted by syringa

I'm a wedding coordinator, and I must say that you are my kind of bride. I applaud the decisions that you have made for a couple of reasons. First, you are being frugal, and that is good. Your fiance should be proud of you for making wise decisions and he should be able to see that you will make wise decisions in the future with your income.

Second, you are creating a wedding that is uniquely "you," not a replica of what everyone else does. Anyone can purchase expensive invitations and ride in a limo. You are adding touches that will make your wedding uniquely yours. I say go for it and don't take FMI's criticism personally.

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posted by wynelle

You should be proud... and a little concerned. You are making wise decisions, which sould like lovely choices. And you have a fiance who will not only back you up; but questions your decisions. And In-laws who do not sound support. Help me put things in perspective... are they financially well off and just don't recognize they not everyone throws money away? Are they helping for his school bills? Since you and your fiance are both adults, have you flat out asked him if he plans on sharing any of the expenses (as do, I understand over 50% of the "adult" marriages)..Or has he always just been given the money he wants by his parents and dopesna't understand frugality ( a scary thought since he will graduate and have a lot of student loans.) Who is supporting him now? I wish my DIL had been so frugal, since (we discovered) she (actually, again we) were supporting her student husbvand, who did not contibute to her wedding...

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posted by scotty

OK, Now I'm confused & a little concerned! You're fiance is not helping pay for ANYTHING in this wedding? Nor are his parents or your parents? I personally think the tradition of the bride's family footing the bill is for the birds, but are YOU footing the bill for this entire occasion? Maybe I misunderstood that. Also, "frugal" IS a good thing, but it sounds like the same connotation to me. I'm not suggesting anything negative here, I'm just thinking that maybe you & your fiance need to sit down & plan/budget EVERYTHING out. It's easy to think that you HAVE to have certain things (i.e., limo, or filet mignon) until you add up all the details & expenses. The little things can get out of hand. Maybe he needs to see the "big picture." I, too, think you are making wise & lovely choices, & I hope your fiance sees that as well. I am also curious to hear about your fiance's perspective on this.

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posted by feb-bride

I don't mean to be rude, but your fiance' sounds a bit on the selfish side. Why is it that you are the one who's "cheap" (er, frugal), yet he's not contributing one penny towards this wedding? I understand that the guy may have student loans and whatever, but it's not like you're made out of money, and from the sound of it, your fiance' doesn't seem to grasp that concept.

Have you tried sitting down with him to show him how much things actually cost? If he has a chance to actually understand what it costs for certain things, he may change his tune.

I have to admit that my fiance' is pretty clueless about what things cost when you're planning a wedding. For example, my father offered to let us use his Lexus for the wedding day (my fiance' would drive it to the ceremony site - I'll be arriving with my father in his other car - and we will ride together to the reception). My fiance' said that he'd rather rent our own car or a limo until I showed him how much I'd already spent on this wedding and what "his share" was going to be (he's buying all the food and liquor). He changed his tune after that!

If you show him what you've already spent (in addition to all of your routine financial obligations) and he's still unsupportive, then I would suggest that the two of you get some couple's counseling so that you can learn to communicate better. I shudder to think about how your marriage is going to be (in regards to finances) once his student loans kick in. Is he going to expect you to pay for all his "must-have" luxuries because he's buried in student loan debt?

Good luck to you. Keep us posted on how things go with your fiance'.

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posted by sugarbare

Thanks for responding everyone! To clear a few things up: my parents are going to pay for most things and I will pay for some (like, I've already bought the dress, gifts, centerpieces, and have put deposits on the site and the photograher...there will be a few more items I will pay for too). I'm hoping his parents give us some money, in an informal converstaion they hinted that they would but never gave us a percentage, price, or whatever. They've never formally dicussed (offered) anything to my parents and my parents refuse to "beg" from them-- I think it's rude to make them ask when the FIL KNOW we need help. As far as the FIL finaces are concerned, they are definitely more well off than my parents...they did start adding a new addition onto their house and are still paying their youngest son's college...but even so, they're definitely more loaded. My fiance had his entire college paid for and some post graduate school but that's it. He's paying for most of his law school on his own. I'm hoping that he'll be able to pay for a few items once he graduates and gets a job, but who knows (he'd better!). So, I think what I need to do is show him our budget...show him what I've been paying for and what my parents are paying for...and what other items need financing. If he can't agree with me after that then we'll have issues, but I bet he'll be fine. I know he has an expensive taste but I can deal with him...he just needs to see what's what and realize that in the real world people aren't made of money. Sound good?

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posted by feb-bride

Well, sugarbare, you've got your work cut out for you. I've dated guys who "come from money" and it's been my experience that they have a hard time adjusting to the "real world" where mommy and daddy don't pay for everything and where they actually have to live within a budget. I wish you a lot of luck!

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posted by April-daisy

Guys,
Did I read scotty wrong, do you think I was rude to sugarbare in how I reponded to her first question, that was not my intent at all.
Scotty stated, "Ouch, that was rude" and "i'm not sure how you responded, but remember you are marrying his family too." and again with "don't let her comments bother you." I hope that she was not reffering to me. Because I totaly sympathize with sugarbare, my fi mother is the same way and thinks I settle for "cheap" because I am afraid to ask for money.
So sugar bare and Scotty if I offended any one please address me personally, I really would like to be able to defend myself, regardless and I did not mean to come off rude!
Please some one set me straight.
I do tend to read into things to much.

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posted by feb-bride

April - I'm going to answer for scotty because I'm certain that what I'm about to say is right-on.

She was NOT talking about you, April. When she said "Ouch, that was rude," she was referring to sugarbare's future mother-in-law. Nothing in scotty's post had anything to do with your post; it just looked that way to you because she posted right after you did.

I think in this instance, you jumped to conclusions. No one's upset with you, so there's no need to defend yourself!

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posted by April-daisy

Thanks,
Ya, I tend to over react all the time but I have to reassure my self, that I didn't hurt someone. Thanks

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posted by VLP123

No, Bride-To-Be,

YOU ARE SMART, NOT CHEAP! My fiancé and I are getting married on May 24th, which is about two weeks away, and we are ALSO paying for our own wedding, maybe with slight assistance on the catering bill from my sister and aunt (MAYBE...STILL WAITING ON THEM TO GIVE US THE MONEY! LOL), and I would do EVERYTHING, if not more to save as much money as I could, from buying things with coupons to getting vases at the dollar store. BIG, EXPENSIVE weddings are great for those who say "MONEY IS NO ISSUE," as well as are wedding coordinators so brides-to-be like ourselves won't get stressed out(Check out my thread here on STRESSED OUT BRIDES and you'll know that I'm about at my LIMIT with this wedding!), but when you are working a 9-5 job and saving as much as you can only to spend it right away, it SUCKS!! So, save, save, SAVE anywhere and as much as you can, and for those who don't like it, THEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO ATTEND THE WEDDING!

This is you and your fiancé's day - plan and make your and his wedding ANYWAY THE TWO OF YOU LIKE!!!! Forget what anyone else thinks or says! The two of you are footing the bill for it all, and if someone wants something changed, they can feel free to contribute money to have it changed!

That's my take on it!

VLP

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posted by VLP123

Seeing as how your fiancé is NOT CONTRIBUTING ANYTHING FINANCIAL to the costs of wedding, he has no say-so on what you spend or don't spend. He has a say-so, however, on what he might like or not like, and if you can't afford it, find an close alternative or make it yourself.

BTW, EXCELLENT IDEA TO MAKE YOUR OWN INVITATIONS! My fiancé and I made our own invitations, too, and everyone was so impressed! He and I were going to spend $180 to have them made professionally, but we decided against that for the sake of saving money.

DO YOUR WEDDING HOWEVER YOU WANT TO!

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posted by mlynn1

sugarbare,
I regards to the chicken, I am having a pasta buffet with chicken strips on the side, because I am a vegetarian. My FH and his parents LOVE red meat, and were a little disappointed, but as a compromise, we are having BBQ at the rehearsal dinner (I would have preferred Mexican food, but for the sake of harmony, let them have the BBQ). If you don't eat red meat, it should not be served at the reception in my opinion. Stick to your guns on this.

As for budgeting, my FH and I are paying for everything. We decided to pick one thing that we did not want to skimp on (we chose photographer) and then we worked around that when setting our budget for everything else. If you have your budget all written down, then you can respond to your FMIL by telling her "it's not in my budget" and you can show it to her on paper. My guess is, she has never paid for a daughter's wedding. Otherwise, she would know that your decisions are pretty much "middle of the road."

[BrideToBe]

Good for you sugarbare!!! for working things out all on your own. your are not cheap you are actuallly very smart on saving money. I think having chicken is a very good idea. so dont worry about what your mother-in-law might say. she is not even helping w/ her own sons wedding. dont worry

Amy