Do I invite my family???? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

rachel1374 · #1 08-29-2006, 08:31 PM

I need some serious help with this one. I will try to keep it short without leaving out important things.

FI and I are paying everything ourselves. We are eloping, then taking the honeymoon cruise (most important part). Three weeks after, we wanted to have a reception. Cocktails and hors d'oeurves. Show pictures and video from the wedding and have a fun party. My family is very large. (guessing them at about 200 although I think 125-150 would come) Our headcount would be about 250-300. We can not afford any all-inclusives for that number. My mom suggested not inviting any of my family b/c this is my second wedding. Since they already got me a gift the first time, it's rude to invite them and expect one again. (I never expected in the first place?!?!) People have suggested putting in the invites that we don't want any gifts but this is FI's first and that doesn't seem right either. I think she was trying to be helpful but now I feel terrible. (Her and I don't have a great relationship, I can't just have a talk with her about it) I am fairly close to my family, see them at least 3 times a year and it feels odd to consider not having them there.

Side note: I hated everything about my first wedding. It was 2 weeks after HS graduation, I was pregnant and got to make zero wedding decisions.

Anyone with advice?

PS - We are checking into a DIY but it's really scaring me and will still be a huge stretch on finances.

Complicated Woman · #2 08-29-2006, 08:41 PM

Can you limit the family you invite? Say, no second cousins or beyond, no great aunts or uncles, etc? My family and FH's are also large, so we're just inviting an handful of friends, most of whom are in the bridal party to keep the budget managable. Is that an option?

That said, there are all sorts of ways to minimize your budget -- just do heavy appetizers and provide one bottle of red & white wine per table, plus sodas. Or your could do a tea-time reception in the afternoon w/ no alcohol at all. Or, you could theme the reception in a way that no one misses the big ticket items that aren't there -- for example, have a Southwestern style wedding w/ BBQ foods and Tex-Mex apps and for drinks only have Coronas, and some pitchers of margaritas and sangria.

breezy · #3 08-29-2006, 08:44 PM

Drinks and light hor'derves will really lighten the expense. As for inviting the family, cutting the head count is really going to help with expenses too.

We just invited immediate family and 2 aunts/uncles that live close. So it was bothers, sisters, parents and grandparents and then some really close friends. It helped keep the budget under control!!!

Gifts aren't and shouldn't be expected at the reception. Gifts are associated with the wedding ceremony.

I've seen several post by you today concerning finaces. My biggest suggestion is to decied WHAT you want and what your BUDGET is then go from there. If you know you want drinks, cake and hor'derves and it's going to run you $10 a person then you know how many people you can invite for YOUR budget. Don't get hung up on inviteing people for gifts, get engrossed in what your dream vision is.

My parents surprised us with the wall coverings for our wedding reception, with that included we spent less than $8000 for ceremony, reception, hotels for his parents, us and the kids, his parents flights and rings. Our invite list was 76.

rachel1374 · #4 08-29-2006, 08:55 PM

My 200 family count is no second cousins, etc. The out of town relatives are actually the ones I'm closer to than some of the ones that live near here. I don't know how to cut that down at all.

Finances are a huge issue. I would be skipping the at home reception if it wasn't for FI. He really wants it. I was fine with four or five smaller parties at our house just to show off our pictures. If it wasn't for finances, I would be wanting just about the same things, just hiring caterers and having the cake done.

We are pretty much doing what our dream is. I'm just having so much advice from the peanut gallery I'm not even sure which way to turn.

Complicated Woman · #5 08-29-2006, 08:57 PM

Wow!

Just on YOUR side of the family? That is amazing!

What if you didn't invite anyone under the age of 18? Will that chop out cousins or cousins children or something?

rachel1374 · #6 08-29-2006, 09:04 PM

I had considered that. But, I have two daughters (13 & 11) and a nephew (a year and a half) who are VERY important to me to be there.

I'm very tempted to tell FI we can't do this but I promised him the wedding of his dreams, exactly the way he wants it. I would rather get married on a beach, invite immediate family and friends. Have a small reception immediately after and show pictures to those who can't make the trip. (Original plan, but most everyone wasn't going to be able to make the trip)

Complicated Woman · #7 08-29-2006, 09:05 PM

I totally think you can still include your own children and the one nephew. Everyone should be able to understand, as they are immediate family. Well, good luck with it all!

wynelle · #8 08-29-2006, 09:51 PM

The wedding of his dreams seems to be the elopement.

The reception is just a party celebrating the marriage. So many people (not intending this at you) seem to forget this. The reception is really secondary to the whole thing (and much more expensive)

So you need to do what you can afford. If you actually just included parents, grandparents and siblings on your side, how many would that be?

DavidsWife · #9 08-30-2006, 12:17 AM

The girls have given great advice!!!

I just want to wish you the best in your situation!

Jayme

rachel1374 · #10 08-30-2006, 02:11 PM

I may do just the parents grandparents and siblings for my family. But since we are doing everyone in his family, is that rude? I don't want to offend my family by not including them, I feel like they should be there.

We are both actually 100% focused on the ceremony itself. That's a big part of the reason we won't get married near home and then decided to have just the two of us on a beach. (No distractions, no worries) He just really wants a reception that is fun. No cookie cutter type, no timelines, just a great party to celebrate our marriage.

Yelycrazygirl · #11 08-30-2006, 02:52 PM

I think that you should only do what you can afford, what your budget allows. Don't try to do something that is impossible to do or that will leave you with a huge debt. Just try to be realistic, and talk with FI.

Also, when is your wedding? Do you have time to save some money? If so, would you be able to save enough to get a reception that is close enough to what he wants?

Just think about it, but at the end you should go with what you really can afford.....Good luck....

ladedah · #12 08-30-2006, 06:52 PM

I think you just have to do what you can afford...and if it's important to invite all of those people you have to cut something else out....

i don't know where you live, but I had a 250 guest wedding/reception and spent under $7000. Just with alot of pre-planning, shopping around and DIY.