In lieu of favors... - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

AshyBekka · #1 08-26-2006, 02:32 PM

Hi all-
Ok, so I have been going back and forth on the favors thing, and thought I had the whole thing figured out, then changed my mind again (of course), and wanted to run it past ya'll. As a lot of you know, Cliff is currently in Iraq-although his return date is starting to get sooooo close! Anyway, since he's been gone, I've been sending cards and notes to some of the Marines who have come home injured and who are in various hospitals across the country. That got me thinking that instead of favors, which are fun and everything, maybe giving a large donation to one of the organizations that provides support to these injured Marines and sailors would be a better use of the money. I was thinking about putting out cards explaining this at each table. I've just been going back and forth about favors for so long, and this idea just makes more sense to me. Not to knock the idea of favors generally, but I'm just so thankful for Cliff and all of his friends coming home safely (knock wood), and I feel for the families who haven't been as lucky. I would rather give something to them than something that my guests may or may not actually keep.

Thoughts?

sparklesweetie · #2 08-26-2006, 03:49 PM

I think that's a great idea! I would totally understand that and appreciate that if I were a guest at your wedding. I say go for it!!

justnmary · #3 08-26-2006, 04:39 PM

Great idea...go for it.

Heather · #4 08-26-2006, 04:47 PM

I think it's a wonderful idea.

I'm just going to play devil's advocate for a moment... I have seen on here where people were turned off by a donation in their name as a favor. If I'm recalling correctly, it's because people would prefer to donate to an organization of their choice. I'll see if I can find some old posts about it if you want to see them. I think they're on the old site.

With that said, I can't see anyone being miffed about this type of donation. My nephew is in the ARMY and I know I would be appreciative of something like this.

Complicated Woman · #5 08-26-2006, 05:42 PM

I think because of your fiancée's position, this is a really wonderful and fitting idea.

Honestly, I think that if someone is going to gripe because they wanted the $2-5 you spent on them donated to a charity of THIER choice, they can pull $5 out of their own pocket and do it. Just my

. I mean, they might have preferred $5 in cash so they could go buy something they wanted instead of the favor you chose, too...but so what?

DavidsWife · #6 08-26-2006, 06:52 PM

Thats FANTASTIC!!! What a great idea!!!

Jayme

wynelle · #7 08-26-2006, 06:59 PM

Favors are a totally unnecessary part of a wedding.

That said, it is considered very poor etiquette (according to several different etiquette boards) to make donations in place of favors. One does not announce how "charitable" they are, part of the mitzvah of charitable acts is that it is quietly done. Even with a nicely done table card, you are still announcing that you have contributed to this charity.

No matter what the cause, there is always someone who doesn't like it. Second, guests will/might think "so instead of having an open bar, she's donating the money to a charity," {they may not say it to you, but they will think about it} , also it will also appear that you are getting a tax deducation (charitable contribution).

If you want to make the donation in place of favors, it is a wonderful gesture. Just don't cheapen the gesture by advertising it.

Clarity · #8 08-26-2006, 07:55 PM

As the daughter of Retired Navy man of 22 years I think this is a wonderful idea. And I have never been to a wedding where atleast ONE person didn't have some complaint. So I think you are doing a wonderful thing!!

AshyBekka · #9 08-26-2006, 08:00 PM

Thanks for all the input ladies! I appreciate it!

Wynelle-I certainly have no intention of "cheapening" the gesture by advertising it. I'm not sure if you meant that to be harsh, but I was frankly taken a little aback by it. Since we will have approximately 90 Marine families in attendance-all of whom will be recently returned from Iraq-we felt that letting them know would be a nice gesture. I'm certainly not hoping for a parade through the streets on my behalf. That said, I appreciate the input from all of you about etiquette concerns! Thanks guys!

Heather · #10 08-26-2006, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AshyBekka

Wynelle-I certainly have no intention of "cheapening" the gesture by advertising it. I'm not sure if you meant that to be harsh, but I was frankly taken a little aback by it.

I certainly wouldn't want to speak for Wynelle, but her statements echo a lot of the discussion that has previously been talked about regarding this, and is partly to what I'm referring in my post. She is correct in that a lot of people would think that way, and she didn't say that she feels that way personally. She's trying to provide a different perspective.

I'll see if I can find those other posts to show you what i mean.

Heather · #11 08-26-2006, 08:26 PM

Here are some threads that discuss this:

http://www.blissweddings.com/wedding...tle=Receptions

http://www.blissweddings.com/wedding...tle=Receptions

http://www.blissweddings.com/wedding...tle=Wediquette

wynelle · #12 08-26-2006, 09:06 PM

Thank you, Heather.

Ashley- I am retired military. My ex-husband is retired military as was his father and his brother. My father was in the Army, my husband's late father was retired Army, my current husband was a Marine. We have two sons-in-law who are retired Army, my husband's brother is retired Army. My recently-deceased uncle was an Army pilot in WWII. My nephew leaves for Iraq in two weeks. My son leaves for Naval Officer Candidate School in two months. My cousin's husband is an Air Force Chaplain. I have nothing but respect and admiration for anyone in uniform, and I appreciate their sacrifices for our sake. I spend one day a month baking cookies and making sandwiches and handing them out at the USO at the Atlanta Airport, to the military men and women passing through.

Sending a donation to one of the organizations which help and support our troops is a noble and worthwhile thing to do.

That said, it is considered poor etiquette to announce to your wedding guests, that in lieu of providing something to them, you are making a charitable donation elsewhere. No one will miss a favor; what you do with the money is something you quietly enjoy with your DH-to-be.

555Ann555 · #13 08-26-2006, 09:47 PM

I think it's a great idea.

I was just discussing a similar topic with my MIL tonight, but in regards to birthday presents. She was telling me about one of her best friends who was turning 70 (we got onto it because my mum is 60 tomorrow). He was determined not to accept gifts for his birthday because he didn't need anything, so instead he set up a little box for donations & told everyone tat if they felt the need to give, then give a donation to the Cancer hospice instead of to him. He raised £750 for the hospice from his birthday! Now people probably wouldn't have been quite so generous if it'd just been giving a regular give, and this way he wasn't left with gifts he didn't need & he knew that his selflessness was going to do good for someone else.

I can't see why anyone would object to this donation. I think even people who think this war is unjust would still want to support injured servicemen. I would go for it. You would never be able to please everyone no matter what your favors were, and this way you can feel good about spending the money somewhere it will definitely be appreciated .

fergie · #14 12-04-2006, 08:28 AM

Great idea!

Juelle · #15 12-08-2006, 08:34 PM

I think thats a awesome idea.

Julz518 · #16 12-08-2006, 09:01 PM

I think it's a great idea and am leaning (today anyway) towards doing it myself. I will likely "personalize" the donations, and list them on the back of the place cards. For example, my FH's family struggles with Alzheimers, so the donation in their honor would be to the Alzheimers Association, but I have a friend who has overcome breast cancer, and for her (and her family and a few others) I would donate to Susan G. Komen. I think in this regard, since you have so many military personnel atending, the donation you were talking abotu woudl be appropriate.

I also think that placing a card or something on the table is appropriate. In my experience, when I or someone I've known has made a donation on behalf of someone else, whether for a funeral, a birthday, etc, they usually get a card announcing the donation has been made in their name. I don't think a card on the table would be any different. When my FH and I discussed this, he was actually more worried that people WOULDN'T notice the cards.

Have you bounced the idea off of any of your family members or attendants? Can you think of anyone who would think it "tacky" to announce the donation? I say if you don't feel any "resistance", or you don't care, then go for it! You can't please the masses, there will likley be something about your wedding that someone will not like - but as tacky as they may think it is, I can't imagine they will think any less of you for it!

AshyBekka · #17 12-08-2006, 09:45 PM

hahah-sorry, I just noticed this post got pulled back up-which is cool if it helps anyone else, but our wedding was 3 weeks ago!

555Ann555 · #18 12-08-2006, 11:39 PM

Do you mind if I ask how it went down with your guests? Were they as supportive of the gesture as we thought they'd be?

faviola · #19 12-30-2006, 03:54 AM

i think it's a very generous and thoughtfull idea..i love it!