Asking about $$ contributions - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

imstilldreaming · #1 08-22-2006, 01:50 PM

Quick question:

This may not have been an issue for some of you, but how did everyone go about asking if their parents are going to contribute financially to the wedding? When we got engaged in January my parents briefly mentioned they would help but not in a really concrete way. These people (though I LOVE THEM to death) are not only extremely difficult to get excited, but are also kind of procrastinators. I've called my mom several time for advice (she's done catering before) and also emailed her websites of some ceremony and reception sites we're looking at. I was hoping she would kind of say 'oh, xxx dollars is a good number, we can help with half' or whatever but she hasn't. FH's mom JUST got divorced for the second time so we don't feel comfortable asking and FH's dad is really weird about marriage, sooo...what to do, what to do...as of right now, we're not planning on anyone helping us.

Emily · #2 08-22-2006, 02:06 PM

Hmmm thats a tricky one!

I think you should just come out with it - just say something like 'you guys mentioned a while back that you would be able to contribute some money towards the wedding, we need to start planning and budgeting now and need to know how much money we can spend so really need to know how much you are able to contribute?'

Good luck!

Hey I worked at a Girl Scout Summer camp near Eau Claire, WI, the area was called New Auburn, it was in the middle of nowhere!

Heather · #3 08-22-2006, 02:37 PM

I think if they plan on helping, they'll offer. I would not rely on someone to contribute to or pay for your wedding.

breezy · #4 08-22-2006, 03:29 PM

I asked my parents is they had thought about contributing. They responded yes, and what the budget they felt comfortable with. Then Alan and I figured out what we were comfortable contributing and bada bing we had a budget

Julz518 · #5 08-22-2006, 03:32 PM

I know EXACTLY how you feel!

I've known for forever how much my mom can and is willing to contribute to my wedding, b/c she has a fund that has been designated as "wedding money" - however my dad is another story (obviously they are divorced). His FIRST reaction when we told him we were engaged was "as long as I don't have to pay for it". Now my dad has a funny way of joking about these kind of things, so I don't know if he was serious or not. He DID contribute to my sisters wedding, but is not as financially stable now as he was then.

What I've decided to do, is ask him to contribute in a non-fianancial way (he has DJ equipment and some contacts), and then see if any kind of financial contribution follows. I don't want to expect anything from him.

I assume you are the first to get married? I think you should ask your parents what they intended when they said they would contribute to the wedding. Before you do, work out a budget based on what YOU can afford and show it to them. Ask them where they want to help - whether it's actually making something, or just contributing financially. Maybe have a list of things you could add if you had a little more money, and projects they could take on to save you money. If they see how organized & excited you are, maybe it will rub off on them. But if they are procrastinators and they take on a project, make sure you give (and hold them to) a schedule!

I also have the same problem with my FH's family and the rehersal dinner. My FH's mother was the planner/organizer in the family and she passed away a few years ago. His dad is they type who doesn't even make hotel reservations for vacations! It drives us NUTS, b/c we never know what the game plan is for holidays and such ahead of time! FH knows his dad would be more than willing to contribute to the rehersal dinner, but he won't think about it until the week it's happening. I figure about a month ahead of time I can hopefully get a budget from him and plan it myself... but I have a few years to work that out.

Anyway, good luck with your folks!

DragonYoga · #6 08-22-2006, 03:51 PM

Julie, those are all great suggestions and ideas! Very workable!

With me, it's a little different. My mom has a way of controlling me (only child) through what she gives me. For example, she surprised me with a car for my high school graduation gift. Some years later, it was totaled in a wreck (my fault), and years after that, every time we got into an argument, she'd bring up the car and claim that I "begged and begged" her for the car, when I had made zero comments...

Anyway long post cut way short, whatever she chooses to buy me, I'm making a mental note of the costs so I can "pay her back" without being obvious. For example, she got me my dress for a major discount ($200) - I could buy her several gift certificates to various shops for that much, and so on.

To explain my ranting post (SORRY GIRLS), I am planning my wedding thinking of only me and my FH contributing, and no one else. If they do, nice! We'll put it towards the honeymoon - that'll be our biggest part anyway! But other than that, pft. Just gonna do what we can!

wembley · #7 08-22-2006, 05:21 PM

I had a similar issue. DH's parents said they would help but I was stressed when I didn't really know how much. They finally said they would help with a third of the cost. That didn't always help much either though. There were times that I felt like his mom was looking at me everytime I spent more money on something. Finally we agreed on an actual number that would be a third of a cost and they were actually surprised it was so low and ended up giving us a little more. Talk about it up front. It may be hard to get up the nerve but it will help with any stress down the line.

imstilldreaming · #8 08-22-2006, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emily

Hey I worked at a Girl Scout Summer camp near Eau Claire, WI, the area was called New Auburn, it was in the middle of nowhere!

Really? Well, this is temporary. I'm from Virginia, FH is from Tennessee. We've only been here since April and we're moving back to TN in October! We're definitely Southerners!

Aren't you from New Zealand? FH and I spent a semester of college there in 2003 in Dunedin. We LOVED it, can't wait to go back!

imstilldreaming · #9 08-22-2006, 05:28 PM

and thanks everyone for your suggestions, I just need to be a big girl I guess!

imstilldreaming · #10 08-22-2006, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julz518

I assume you are the first to get married?

Sorry, just saw this one! Actually, my older brother got married a few years ago but their wedding was in the back yard of my parent's house and it cost very little. I have no intention of doing that for several reasons. One of the biggest is that FH and I have A LOT of out of state college friends. I know my mom thinks I should have the wedding in Virginia where I'm from and where they live because we have more contacts (she works for the local university's food service, for example) but that makes it inconvenient for the majority of the guests. They may just contribute what they did for my older brother's wedding even though I'm having a bigger one. But anyway, like I said, we're planning for no help so it won't be a big deal either way.

Again, thanks for the comments everyone!

Marge129 · #11 08-22-2006, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julz518

I know EXACTLY how you feel!

I've known for forever how much my mom can and is willing to contribute to my wedding, b/c she has a fund that has been designated as "wedding money" - however my dad is another story (obviously they are divorced). His FIRST reaction when we told him we were engaged was "as long as I don't have to pay for it". Now my dad has a funny way of joking about these kind of things, so I don't know if he was serious or not. He DID contribute to my sisters wedding, but is not as financially stable now as he was then.

I'm the sister!

Don't have anything else to add!

Yelycrazygirl · #12 08-22-2006, 07:28 PM

In my case, we are paying for the wedding. My mom said that they want to contribute with something but they haven’t said exactly with what, the same for FH parents. FH and I decided that if they give us something, good, but if they don’t is not going to be a problem because we are going to prepare for it.

I think that the idea of having new projects if your parents give you some money is great, have some things in mind that you might be able to do with the money, or simple put it towards the honeymoon, or use it for your new home….

labeadel · #13 08-22-2006, 10:14 PM

Both parents had mentioned wanting to help, so when it came down to needing to know what the magic number would be, we just mentioned that that had said before that they would like to help us and if that is still the case, can they let us know what they were thinking. DH's parents asked us to put together some kind of budget and send it over before they would give us an amount. My parents just basically paid for a whole bunch of stuff. Most of the wedding, actually. DH's did contribute a lot though too.

Emily · #14 08-23-2006, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstilldreaming

Really? Well, this is temporary. I'm from Virginia, FH is from Tennessee. We've only been here since April and we're moving back to TN in October! We're definitely Southerners!

Aren't you from New Zealand? FH and I spent a semester of college there in 2003 in Dunedin. We LOVED it, can't wait to go back!

Yep I'm from NZ, are having out wedding back home in NZ! Dunedin is a cool place, my husband (you must be asking husband!?!?, yes we are already married, sorry its confusing!) went to University there many years ago, its too cold for me down there though! When do you think you will go back??

I miss home so much!

Private message me if you want!