Tacky? Or understandable? (Save the Date wording) - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

lulamae · #1 08-20-2006, 07:41 PM

Newbie here! Been lurking for a while and everyone here seems really nice and intelligent (and much less crazy bridezilla than people at other boards). Going to finally dip my toe in the water with a question.

My fiance and I are trying to keep our guest list down, but it's really hard. Our solution is to make an A and a B list. We know that many of our first choice people (A list) won't be able to come (as many of them would be needing to travel from the UK to Florida and can't), so as we recieve negative RSVP's, we'll start inviting B list people. We just think this will be better than estimating how many people will decline and then everyone shows up and we've doubled our budget.

I'm getting ready to send the Save the Date cards to the A List. I'm going to include a note that has airport and hotel information, for people who want to start planning. I'll also be including my email address so that people can drop me a line if they have questions about planning a vacation at the same time (we're near Orlando, so a few people are already talking about doing Disney after the wedding). My question is: would it be tacky to include a sentence with something to the effect of "While we'd love to see you there, please let us know if you definitely won't be able to attend"? And if not, is there a better wording than that?

Thanks, everyone!

breezy · #2 08-20-2006, 07:45 PM

Welcome to PASH! Weekends can be slow. I'm sure someone will have a perfect solution.

My initial thought is to ask relatives in the UK to ask during conversations. Kinda a recon type operations

Heather · #3 08-20-2006, 08:54 PM

Hey there! Welcome to Pash, I'm glad you decided to pop on!

You're going to find varying opinions on the A List and B List thing. Personally, I think having a B List is very tacky. People know when you're putting them in that category. If you know most of your guests on the A List won't attend, it seems like you're after gifts. I'm not saying this is your intention, but it's what it can look like. If you need to keep your guest list down, then do just that - keep it down.

With that said, if you're looking for an immediate answer, then send an actual invitation with an RSVP date. I'm assuming that if you're thinking of sending Save the Dates, you're about 7 to 10 months out from the wedding date? That's way too early to send invitations, but you could swing it. Send the invitations to those out of the country, get your responses, then send out the second set of invitations about 8 weeks out from the wedding date. I'm not for this scenerio for the reasons mentioned above, especially if anyone on your B List talks to people on your A List, but it could probably work if you give it enough time.

Good luck!

wynelle · #4 08-20-2006, 09:25 PM

I agree that "A List" vs "B List" is very problematic. Also, "Save the Date" cards aren't the same thing as invitations and therefore don't usually have a place for RSVPing. While some people may immediately know they are coming, others may have to consider job requirements, flight costs and may not know 10 months out.

I think you would almost have to have two separate invitations- one for the overseas people with an RSVP date 3-4 weeks earlier than the local ones. That way, if you are going to use a "B List" you won't be mailing those invitations out after the RSVPs were due in. That is usually a big hint that someone is B List.

But, don't you think the B Listers might already know? I mean if you are discussing the wedding, or plans, etc, but they don't receive an invite until the last minute--- sort of a big clue there. Also, those not invited to the wedding should not be invited to wedding showers, etc. So if someone is planning a shower two or three months out-- you wouldn't be able to list "B Listers" as guests yet.

I know that a lot of people on this board have had similar problems, so you will get a lot of good advice. Welcome!

deputysgurl · #5 08-21-2006, 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by breezy

My initial thought is to ask relatives in the UK to ask during conversations. Kinda a recon type operations

I like this idea. If you talk to or email this part of the guest list on a regular basis, just ask them if they would be able to attend, you can always tell them that you are trying to figure out how many think they would be able to make it for hotel reasons or something of that extent. That is just my suggestion.

michaelsbride · #6 08-21-2006, 01:07 AM

we had a lot of people from germany invited to our wedding. I intentionally sent out the invitations at the same time (eight weeks prior) to them because i know it will be hard for them to come up with the time off, the money, passports, etc. to be able to attend in that amount of time. While i'd love for them to be there, it's not feasible for either party so i just counted the ones i KNOW will be coming (3 out of the 25 invited) with my estimates for people coming. while i understand giving them more time would probably help them arrange to come, there are other people we would want there too and it wouldnt be such a juggling act to get them there. Its more of a curtesy that we invited the family from germany so they know i want them there.

Indigo · #7 08-21-2006, 04:54 AM

I think it would be ok to send the overseas invites much earlier as it takes a lot of planning to fly and get hotels etc... Once they decline the earlier dated RSVP then you can invite the B listers. I also like the idea of having someone ask. That's kind of what I did. I had relatives find out who was and was not planning on comming.

Emily · #8 08-21-2006, 03:46 PM

Hey there - we are currently planning our wedding in NZ from the UK and have alot of people coming from overseas, the way we have dealt with it is that my Mum called all our family and overseas people early on (as soon as we knew when we were having the wedding) and told them about the wedding and asked if they thought they would be able to come (because as you say you need to book flights a long way in advance and book holidays off etc...) and I got Damons (my man) Mum to do the same and any of our friends who are coming from overseas have known about the wedding and that they are invited for a while - so we have had quite a good idea early on who will be able to make it and who wont!

I think the A & B list thing is tacky too - Damon and I recently got a wedding invitation about 2 weeks before the wedding for some friends who werent such great friends in Australia, so we knew straight away that we were on the B list, as if they had really wanted us there they would have given us more notice considering we would have needed to fly from London!! Needless to say we didnt go, I was quite miffed that it was so obvious that we were on their B list!

Yelycrazygirl · #9 08-21-2006, 04:00 PM

I think that if you go with the A and B list, make an effort to send the B list invitations within a reasonable time, that way people won't feel the same way Emily felt. I can see the part where if you have to choose one person over the other one, but I will suggest that, if you do it, make sure it doesn't seem obvious, you don't want to hurt anybody feelings making them feel like they were the last resort, or the last thought....

Marge129 · #10 08-21-2006, 04:15 PM

I did not have an A & B list, but I invited a LOT of out of town guests. We needed to have an estimated head count in order to plan the wedding. My "Save the Dates" had a detachable post card that people could reply saying "We will probably come" or "We will most likely NOT come." Most of the people who replied stuck with their original answer.

Maybe you can do something like this????

Emily · #11 08-21-2006, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

I did not have an A & B list, but I invited a LOT of out of town guests. We needed to have an estimated head count in order to plan the wedding. My "Save the Dates" had a detachable post card that people could reply saying "We will probably come" or "We will most likely NOT come." Most of the people who replied stuck with their original answer.

Maybe you can do something like this????

Oh oh oh oh thats a great idea!!!

gymrat · #12 08-21-2006, 04:52 PM

I do not agree with the A and B list as I think it is tacky.

I know my brother and his wife did this and I cringed. They sent out invited to A list and had an extremely early RSVP. Wedding was early Nov. and the RSVP was early to mid-Sept (cannot remember exactly). Then after they got their A listers RSVPs back they sent their B listers. Let me tell you some of the A listers were pissed when they found out there was an A and B list bc they had declined and they thought having the 2 lists was very tacky.

I would try to find out through family and friends first who might attend and only send them invites.

labeadel · #13 08-21-2006, 06:55 PM

We were going to do the A & B list thing too, as we had all of our family coming from way out of town (2,000+ miles). I posted a question about it and got a lot of the "this is tacky" responses as well. As far as the STD's go, just send them to those people at this point that you KNOW you will be inviting. I didn't send any to my in-town guests, and that saved me some time while I was waiting to hear through the grapevine who of our family members thought they might be able to attend. By then I had a good idea of who we would be inviting.

I didn't end up having a B list, as it wasn't necessary since most of our OOT guests were unable to make it. I don't see having a B list as a gift grab, but more as trying to be $$ conscious and keep the budget down. I think as you get closer to the wedding, you'll find like I did that you don't really need a B list after all.

lulamae · #14 08-22-2006, 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

My "Save the Dates" had a detachable post card that people could reply saying "We will probably come" or "We will most likely NOT come." Most of the people who replied stuck with their original answer.

Maybe you can do something like this????

Ooooh, that *is* such a good idea.

Thanks everyone for your great advice on this.

DragonYoga · #15 08-22-2006, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

I did not have an A & B list, but I invited a LOT of out of town guests. We needed to have an estimated head count in order to plan the wedding. My "Save the Dates" had a detachable post card that people could reply saying "We will probably come" or "We will most likely NOT come." Most of the people who replied stuck with their original answer.

Maybe you can do something like this????

That is a fantastic idea. I'll have quite a few OOT guests, that would be such a great way to know almost for certain who will come and who won't!

mrs.melton_in_08 · #16 08-22-2006, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

I did not have an A & B list, but I invited a LOT of out of town guests. We needed to have an estimated head count in order to plan the wedding. My "Save the Dates" had a detachable post card that people could reply saying "We will probably come" or "We will most likely NOT come." Most of the people who replied stuck with their original answer.

Maybe you can do something like this????

did you get a lot of responses with this?...i just hate the idea of tryign to make soemone make a decision like that so early on.

did you have people who said proably not that did come? i woudl hate for someone to think they can't come because they said probably not.

Just ideas in my head i needed to get out

Marge129 · #17 08-22-2006, 05:45 PM

Everyone we sent the cards to responded. People were honest with their replies if they weren't coming. Some people who responded saying they probably would come who changed their minds even wrote to us later saying so.

We made it VERY clear that it wasn't the invitation... and they would not be held to the response they gave. We really just needed to have some idea of who would come since 75% of the guest list was from OOT. EVERYONE got an actual invitation later on... even those who originally said they would probably not come.