My mother is making me crazy

[raviepoo]

My spouse and I are both in our 40s. This is a first marriage for each of us. We knew we didn't want a big, traditional wedding so we ran off to the Florida Keys in July and got married, with a VERY small number of very close friends attending.

We were planning to have a reception upon our return, near our home so his family and our friends would be able to attend. My family lives 800 miles away, but they are very well to do and the expense of travel is not a problem for them.

We found a venue. We selected a date. We told my mother. That was our first mistake.

Long story short - our post-elopment reception for both families at a country inn in near our home has turned into a black tie dinner at a posh restaurant in my former home town. I allowed this. I could have stood my ground and thrown my own reception, but my mother was so obviously hurt about it. She wanted to throw us a party, in her city, on her terms. So I gave in.

We are having a party populated by my mother's frineds and relatives. We will have no friends there. My husband will have three family members in attendance. This is exactly what I wanted NOT to happen. Wedding celebrations are supposed to be about families coming together.

They say the devil is in the details and the details are making me insane. I wanted to skip flowers and make a donation to a charity instead. Nope. She's picking out flowers, big, poofy ones rather than the minimalist sort that I have always prefered. I thought we might be able to do the charitable donation with favors. Nope. The favors will be chocolates from her favorite confectioner. I wanted a deep chocolate cake with buttercream frosting and raspberry or orange ganache. She ordered something traditional and boring.

This is her party. One by one I have let her have her way on every conflict. She is paying and I don't want to seem ungrateful for her generousity. But the end result is that my husband and I will be guests at an event that doesn't reflect who we are one little bit. That's why we ran off to Florida instead of having a big family wedding in the first place.

I need some perspective. Am I being a whiny baby about this? Should I just shut up and let her have this one moment of fun for herself? That's why I gave in to her in the first place. Is raspberry filling versus lemon filling too trivial a thing to argue about?

[wynelle]

Let her do whatever she wants (as long as she is paying for it).

Then, next month, do exactly what you and your DH want at the place you wanted to have it. Since it won't be the same guests, and it won't be a duplicate wedding, there is no problem with having two parties to celebrate.

[Sh@ks18]

Originally Posted by wynelle

Let her do whatever she wants (as long as she is paying for it).

Then, next month, do exactly what you and your DH want at the place you wanted to have it. Since it won't be the same guests, and it won't be a duplicate wedding, there is no problem with having two parties to celebrate.

i agree

[ladedah]

ditto!!

[Heather]

Ditto. Why worry about it? Attend her function and then continue to do as you and your husband had planned. You're paying for your "own" event correct? Or were your parents paying for it?

[ljeagle]

sounds good to me! Two parties are always better then one. If you want your mother at the second part then I would not tell her about it till a few days ahead of time.

[raviepoo]

My sister in law threw us a caual send off before we went to Florida. (Mom mom did not show up and did not RSVP!) My husband is now at the end of his tolerance. We have had three different celebrations - the exact scenario I was trying to avoid. There won't be any more parties. Ever. That's it.

All I have to look forward to now is spending every anniversary in the Keys where we took our vows. I know. Poor me.

I am soooooo glad we got married on our own terms far, far away from our families.

Originally Posted by wynelle

Let her do whatever she wants (as long as she is paying for it).

Then, next month, do exactly what you and your DH want at the place you wanted to have it. Since it won't be the same guests, and it won't be a duplicate wedding, there is no problem with having two parties to celebrate.

[raviepoo]

Originally Posted by Heather

Ditto. Why worry about it? Attend her function and then continue to do as you and your husband had planned. You're paying for your "own" event correct? Or were your parents paying for it?

Money isn't the issue. *sigh* I'm calling this one more opportunity to make my aging mother happy by letting her be in control.

By the way I love your icon.

[feb-bride]

Originally Posted by wynelle

Let her do whatever she wants (as long as she is paying for it).

Then, next month, do exactly what you and your DH want at the place you wanted to have it. Since it won't be the same guests, and it won't be a duplicate wedding, there is no problem with having two parties to celebrate.

This is EXACTLY what I would do if I were in your position.

ETA: I just read what you said about no more parties for this. Perhaps you could have an anniversary party for your 10th or whatever.

[Kim&Bob2004]

Originally Posted by wynelle

Let her do whatever she wants (as long as she is paying for it).

Then, next month, do exactly what you and your DH want at the place you wanted to have it. Since it won't be the same guests, and it won't be a duplicate wedding, there is no problem with having two parties to celebrate.

I agree!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then when you have your deep chocolate cake with buttercream frosting and raspberry or orange ganache can I be invited, cause girl you just made my tummy grumble! YUMMY!

[gal_mitchie]

everythings been said and i agree

[raviepoo]

I was a food industry professional in an earlier career. I know my stuff.

*sigh*

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

I agree!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then when you have your deep chocolate cake with buttercream frosting and raspberry or orange ganache can I be invited, cause girl you just made my tummy grumble! YUMMY!

[AshyBekka]

That's a really tough situation, and I think the girls have given you some great advice. And if you don't want to wait for a 10 year, why not have a your dream party for your 1 year anniversary? Skip the Keys this year and celebrate with you and your husband's friends and his family near where the two of you live. That gives him a year to get over the repeated wedding celebration thing, and gives the two of you time to plan things the way you want them.

I'm sure your mother's party will be fine-think of the stories you and your hubby will have!

[lulamae]

If you don't want a big party, what about organising a dinner at your favorite resturant for all of your friends. Or even a pot luck at your house. Just something very low-key and casual, but with the people *you* want.

PS: AshyBekka... I love the quote in your sig!

[Heather]

Originally Posted by raviepoo

By the way I love your icon.

Thanks! I've changed it since you posted this though, lol.

[RACS218]

I think your mom got soo excited. I suggest you attend the party and try to have fun. I agree it wouldn't be all about you at all, but at least you're making your mom happy..


Beverly Spencer
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[LadyFaile]

her wedding is not about making anyone else happy.

hun you should just tell her this isn't what you want. she's your mother. she'll either understand or she'll get over it.
if this were me and my mom, i know that if i went along with it and didn't say anything and she found out afterwards that i hated it, she'd be more hurt that i didn't say something from the beginning than if i had.
we're doing it the same way, going away to get hitched, coming back and having a big party, very casual but huge guest list. it may not be a big fancy traditional wedding, but it's MY wedding and i'm doing it the way i want to, and my mom and MIL understand that... now.

[mommy03bride]

i agree with LadyFaile on this one!