Don't want to tell father about engagement. - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Danalysa · #1 08-10-2006, 05:30 PM

Hi,
My relationship with my father has been strained for years. My parents were separated when I was 10. He moved in with his girlfriend and her daughter when he left us. He attended my stepsisters wedding and filled in for her father. When I got married he came for the day and left. I got no support from him only my mother. She and my grandmother paid for the entire thing. In 2004 I lost both my mother and grandmother the two people who would have taken joy in my engagement. My younger sister whom I am very close with took the news how I am assuming my father will. I've been engaged for almost a month. I really don't value what my father might have to say, especially if I am paying for my wedding myself with my fiancee. My father remarried twice after my mother and we (my sister and I) were not invited to either of his weddings. I mentioned my engagement to his new wife and she had nothing positive to say. If she only knew how my sister and I felt about her. She doesn't understand marrying for love. I feel sorry for my dad, but they are very much alike. I would like to tell him, but how do I without negative feed back?

justnmary · #2 08-10-2006, 06:35 PM

Welcome to Pash...sorry to hear about your mom and grandma...that's so hard. About your dad? I say just call him and tell him and don't take to heart any of the negative he might say. He didn't bother to invite you to his weddings so I don't feel it's necessary to invite him....you would be the bigger person to do so, that is why I do recommend atleast telling him. Other than that I have no advice. Wish you the best....the other girls on here have a lot more to offer advice-wise so stick around!

Laurie · #3 08-10-2006, 06:51 PM

So sorry to hear about your loss hun!

I agree with Mary 100%..

Be the bigger person and tell him.. Take it from there to decide whether or not to invite...

Congrats and welcome!

mommy03bride · #4 08-10-2006, 06:57 PM

welcome to pash

im sorry to hear about your mom and grandma. i know it has to be hard for you

. about your dad i agree with mary, that you should at least tell him. if he does have anything negative to say, my suggestion to you, is not to take it personal. hearing that your dad has been married more then once, I dont think he is in any position to give his negative comments. and if he does start to give them, just let him know that your not interesting in hearing them at all. i wish you luck on this!

cant wait to hear about your wedding plans!

Sh@ks18 · #5 08-10-2006, 06:59 PM

I'd say just call and say "hi just wanted to let you know i'm engaged" and thats it. Hopefully you get a voicemail so you dont have to actually talk to him and from there you decide if you want to invite him. Just send a simple invitation, if he calls, fine if not, you dont need to contact him for anything else.

BTW congrats on your engagement and welcome to pash

TheaterDiva1 · #6 08-10-2006, 07:06 PM

I don't really have anything new to add - I just wanted to welcome you to Pash!

Kim&Bob2004 · #7 08-10-2006, 07:14 PM

Welcome to Pash!

I take it this is your second wedding? How did he take the engagement of your first marriage?

As for your question: Yes, you have to tell him. No matter what he is a part of you, you carry some of him in you and will forever. However you don't need to allow him to ruin your life. Being polite is different than being friendly. You can politely call him and say something like, "Dad, I have met a wonderful man and we are getting married. He is everything I could have hoped for in a husband." If he starts to go on you could then say, "Dad, I know you think you have my best interests at heart, but this is my life, to do with how I think is best. I am glad you are concerned, it shows you love me. Ooooppps, I have another call coming in, I'll talk with you later. Bye." Don't say you will call him later, say you will "talk later..." That doesn't make you obligated to do anything more if you don't want to. Don't let him put you on the defensive. Cut him off at the pass. But you may be pleasantly surprised by him too. Maybe he has grown wiser as he has gotten older. I hope he has!

Good luck!

And Congrats! We can't wait to hear more about your wedding!

Julz518 · #8 08-10-2006, 07:49 PM

Hey! Welcome to Pash and Congratulations on your engagement! No matter what, we're excited that your engaged

May I ask why you think your dad will be critical of your engagement? Is he just in general a critical person, or is there something specific about the engagement you know he'll disagree with?

I agree with the other girls on this one, but I really like what Kim said about being polite is different than being friendly. My FH and I have the same problem with his uncle... everytime we see him he goes on and on about what FH should be doing with his life, etc. Never has ANYTHING positive to say. Once he and his wife actually had the nerve to tell him that he needed to "make an honest woman out of me" because we shuoldn't be living together if we're not married. (Whereas two of his children have multiple children from multiple unmarried relationships).

But he's family, and while it's very annoying, we know he just says this stuff trying to "help" us. He thinks he knows what best, and his standards for us are pretty high (I take that as a complement

) Your dad's attitude sounds like it's similar - he thinks he knows whats best for his daughter and wants to express that, but doesn't do it in a very loving way. You can't just ignore him - He's in your life and you obviously care about maintaining a relationship with him, therefore you need to tell him.

Good Luck!

Yelycrazygirl · #9 08-10-2006, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

Welcome to Pash!

I take it this is your second wedding? How did he take the engagement of your first marriage?

As for your question: Yes, you have to tell him. No matter what he is a part of you, you carry some of him in you and will forever. However you don't need to allow him to ruin your life. Being polite is different than being friendly. You can politely call him and say something like, "Dad, I have met a wonderful man and we are getting married. He is everything I could have hoped for in a husband." If he starts to go on you could then say, "Dad, I know you think you have my best interests at heart, but this is my life, to do with how I think is best. I am glad you are concerned, it shows you love me. Ooooppps, I have another call coming in, I'll talk with you later. Bye." Don't say you will call him later, say you will "talk later..." That doesn't make you obligated to do anything more if you don't want to. Don't let him put you on the defensive. Cut him off at the pass. But you may be pleasantly surprised by him too. Maybe he has grown wiser as he has gotten older. I hope he has!

Good luck!

And Congrats! We can't wait to hear more about your wedding!

I really like Kim's advice... I agree completely with her...... Hope everything turns out the best.... Suerte

Danalysa · #10 08-10-2006, 08:52 PM

I based my not wanting to say anything to my father because of his reaction to the amount of time I spent with my fiancee's family, when he was in the hospital. My fiancee was in a coma for 2 weeks and in the hospital for 1 1/2 months. I live in NJ and my fiancee lives in FL. He is a single father of two girls (ages 2 & 4), he and his mother share a house. His mother is in her 70's and I went to give his family support and help his mom out. My father told me that the 6 days I spent down there was too much. Then we my family ( my children and sister) went to Florida for vacation in July and I was making daily visits to the hospital and he told me I should make my 3rd day of a 10 day trip my last visit. My sister and I share a house and she had no problem caring for my children while I was gone, so why did he think he should have anything to say. My fiancee is now much better.

Robyn Lynn · #11 08-10-2006, 09:02 PM

I am soooo glad your fiance is okay!!!!! What a lot of challenges you have had to face,

BTW, welcome to Pash.

And congratulations!

I agree with the others about telling your dad you are engaged. If you don't feel comfortable calling, maybe you could email or write a letter. Then you can express everything you want to tell him about getting married.

Don't worry about what your dad says. Don't take it to heart. Focus on your fiance and your children and the wonderful life you are going to have together. Come on here and vent to us if you are having a bad time!!

justnmary · #12 08-10-2006, 09:05 PM

Well I'm glad to hear your FI is much better.....first of all, if my fiance was in a serious car accident you can bet your tail feathers I'd be there as much, if not more then- what you're dad is griping about!!! That alone irritates me that he felt you were spending too much time with FI and helping FI family while FI was unable too! Apparently either your FI did something to your dad to make him act like this or your dad is a control freak and doesn't like the fact that you're living your life your way.... I wish you well.....live your life for you, not for him and don't let his negative words sink in.

Julz518 · #13 08-10-2006, 09:12 PM

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your fiance's accident. I'm glad that he is doing better.

I take it he is out of the coma? Are you and your familys together now?

That must have been a very difficult time for you (and your family) and I just can't understand how your father could have been so unsupportive. However, we still don't know the entire story. Were you and your fiance' engaged before the accident, had you been together awhile, or had you only known each other for a short time? Does your father know him and have a relationship with him?

Perhaps your father was worried about how your time at the hospital was affecting our mood and your relationship with your kids. Maybe he was being "practical" thinking that while in Florida you should be enjoying the sunshine... I don't know.

Whatever the case, I STILL think you should tell your father directly about the engagement. Particularly if you've told his new wife, so you know he knows about it - you don't want to give him more time to fume.

And once you get it over with, you can put it behind you and start enjoying planning your wedding!

Danalysa · #14 08-10-2006, 09:35 PM

My fiancee and I were friends for about 5 years and dated for 3 years before he moved to Florida. We meet through his cousin that is my nephews dad. I would ask about him and last year he was in NJ and his cousin brought him by. My mother knew my fiancee very well and loved him. And she hated all of my exes. My dad was not a part of my life. He has 4 grandchildren between myself and my sister and he sees them once a year. My sister is 8 years younger then me and her relationship with my father is a little better but not much. He would like for me to think he knows what would make me happy but how can he, he doesn't know me. I think my fiancee knows me better. My father has been trying to play daddy since my mom died, but too many years have passed he need to try to get to know us, in order to build a relationship instead of pretending there was one already established.

Danalysa · #15 08-10-2006, 09:39 PM

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has replied.

Lizbet · #16 08-10-2006, 09:42 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

As to the question at hand. I must agree with everyone else. Call him, and tell him. Keep it short and sweet. And, if he tries to ruin your mood get off the phone. Don't let his opinions bother you.

But, once all the wedding stress is over, I think you should give your dad a second (or third) chance. It appears that he is trying to learn how to be a father to you, although he may be going about it in the wrong way. My

.

555Ann555 · #17 08-10-2006, 09:50 PM

Hi Danalysa,

I just wanted to add another welcome!

I don't know how relevant my experience would be to this thread; my father still doesn't know I'm engaged, let alone that I got married this year!

I don't know what is the best thing to do about it

I don't know if I did the right thing, so I don't really feel comfortable saying you should follow my lead

I'd try to follow your heart, if you feel like you can tell him & safely keep him at arm's length then go for it.

The only thing that concerns me is that it sounds like you speak to each other fairly often (more than the once a year that he sees the grandkids) so it'd be scary to damage the relationship that you do have, even if it isn't ideal.

Well as you'll be able to tell from my ramble I have no valuable advice on this, I'm just as confused about what woul be best!

DragonYoga · #18 08-10-2006, 10:27 PM

Hi Danalysa! Welcome to Pash!

I really have nothing to add, just wanted to welcome you. Kim's idea is the best IMO.

PlanetClaire · #19 08-11-2006, 12:33 AM

That sounds like a rough situation for you.

I can understand feeling reserntment that he wasn't around when you were younger and that he is trying to fill that long empty role now.

I think you need to do some serious soul searching on this. I like Robin Lynn's suggestion of a letter- not an email, but a letter where you can explain how you feel. Who knows, it may be a bridge-builder, open up the lines of communication.

If you are intending on keeping a relationship with him, then you do need to tell him. You don't necessarily need to invite him. And seeing as you weren't at his weddings, he can't really balk at that too much.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Danalysa · #20 08-21-2006, 08:33 PM

Every time I get my dad on the phone to tell him, he changes the subject. My father is a lawyer he has very little time with the case loads he takes on. His new wife is his paralegal. I guess she figuered out how to spend time with him. I really don't want my fiancee or his family to have to deal with my father. My fiancee has been through hell in his life. We balance each other and can relate to one another. We both lost parents. His father died when he was young. My mother who loved my fiancee and would have picked up and moved with me to help plan and pay for the wedding is gone. My father has never been a good situation financially. My mother was in court all the time trying to get child support for my sister. I has always took more interest in the children of who he was with at the time. And now he has married into a family of vast legal problems. He complains about not having money because of his clients. His clients and her family members. And the money he gets he sinks into pipe dreams. I will try to find time to tell him without conflict but I doubt that will happen. The last time I tested the waters to see if it was a good time to tell him, he tells me I have a stress test tomorrow pray I don't die. I know that when I get married I won't see him much more often then I do now but he will fill the right to interrogate him and that will piss me off. I don't think he has earned the right.

DragonYoga · #21 08-22-2006, 04:02 PM

Hey girl!

How about this, next time you call him, tell him in a firm tone that you have a VERY important announcement to make, and ask him to just listen. If he does, then great - tell him the great news! If not, he's obviously refusing to hear the subject. If neccessary, just send him a fax to his desk. If he calls to gripe, you can tell him you tried to tell him on the phone, but he kept changing the subject.

FAX MSG (change if neccessary): Hello Dad, just a quick note to let you know that (FH's name) and I are getting married! I tried to tell you the great news on the phone, but you were always so busy...so I thought I'd send you a quick note! Don't worry about helping us financially with the wedding, we are not expecting anyone to pay for our wedding. (add whatever, take out whatever) Your Daughter, Danalysa.

lulamae · #22 08-23-2006, 12:16 AM

I think DY's got a great idea. Whatever you do, when you speak to him, you need to be very clear that you're just informing him of your plans... you're not looking for his opinion or his help.

Danalysa · #23 08-23-2006, 04:01 PM

I finally told my dad Saturday when he called me at 11:30pm. He had a stress test Friday and found out he had a minor heart attack, not recently he had minor scarring. His doctor said all he needed was to adjust his medication and gave him a clean bill of health. I have not talked to him since Saturday cause again he made me angry with comments about me flying to Florida next month for my fiancee's surgery. Why do people who could give two #@$! about what you were doing or who you were dating two or three years ago act like they have always cared. My dad is just concerned about who will get my inheritance. My fiancee and I plan on adopting each others children so if anything were to happen they would be taken care of plus I have a half million dollar life insurance policy between my children. My sister called to speak with my father this morning to be informed that she and I caused my father's heart attack. In the mean time ( oh by the way my father is an attorney) he is legally defending her family member free of charge on a regular basis. He was even kind enough to defend his step-daughter's father on an attempted murder charge. Talk about stress hold on my dad has raised her 21 year old grandson from the age of 12 and now has another grandson now 6 whom they have had for at least the past 3 years. We live 800 miles from my dad who really caused his heart attack? Hey his wife lives with him and I guess she cooks for him, but every time I talk to him they are grabbing a bite. They are both terribly overweight and my sister and I tried to express our concerns before he found out about his heart issues and diabetes that he was diagnosed with last year. If she really cared and I question that after a conversation we had about my relationship, how could she not have know he had a heart attack. I am the one that told him two years ago to have his heart checked because of his obesity. My mother died from heart disease and she was one of the healthiest people I knew. I am quite annoyed that his wife dare tell us we are his stressor. I have yet to call her and I most likely will not but she has forbid him to answer our calls. I guess my son will be giving me away. My plan from the begining anyway, he has actually earned the right to have that honor.

DragonYoga · #24 08-23-2006, 04:17 PM

My goodness, Danalysa! I'm sorry your father's trying to put the blame on you and your sister - the nerve! At least you've told him. (how did he take it, by the way?)

Don't listen to his words, you know it isn't true. I'm soo trying to resist the urge and let the

out - but if he were my dad, and called me up after saying something like that to me, I'd respond "Oh, dad, we shouldn't talk. I don't want to cause another heart attack. Bye!"

But seriously though -

I'm sorry your dad and stepfamily are causing you this much stress, you don't need it!

Danalysa · #25 08-23-2006, 04:48 PM

My dad does what ever she tells him. I know he is not happy in his marriage (his 3rd) from remarks he made when he called me one night drunk and upset. Do people not marry for love anymore? I am I the only deluded person who believes that love should be a part of marriage? All I've heard is what does he have to offer? What does he need to offer? I am financially ok. I have what I want. I have health in which I thank God for hourly. I was left 2 business interest both making a substancial amount of money. Why do I have to look for a man with money? Why can't he make me happy? Why can't just hearing his voice relieve all the tension from the week? Is it jealousy, because they don't have that? When you marry for the wrong reasons what happiness can that bring? I don't think they will be invited. If it is about getting I doubt they could afford a decent gift. At least his 2nd wife had class. This one is straight out of the gutter. How my dad got were he is I have no clue but he must realizes that a person that can not except your children has no place in your life. His wife has told my sister and I on many occasion we do not deserve a dime of our inheritance which has not a thing to do with either of them. Jealous evil woman.