I can't believe I am in FMIL's doghouse for this - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

topoftheworld · #1 08-08-2006, 05:19 PM

FH and I just got "Offcially" engaged. In our minds and hearts were unofficially engaged for about 6 months. So we finally announced the big news to family and friends. Everyone was excited and happy. Well, we pulled FMIL aside to tell her of the wedding plans we had so far-my mom knows already-she is helping me plan, but we wanted to give FMIL the courtesy of knowing a bit more than the others. Anyway, we gave her the info and she asked how FH proposed. I told her politely, that I just wanted to keep that moment private and special between her son and I. You would think I slapped her. Now according to FH, she is sulking because I won't share a moment "that most NORMAL women would be screaming from the roof about." Her words, not mine. Am I the crazy one here for wanting not to share?

Complicated Woman · #2 08-08-2006, 05:25 PM

, I do think most people tell. She might suspect that you just don't want to tell HER. I understand not wanting to, though. FH was appalled when I told everyone, because he went out of his way to create a private moment for us.

Oops.

Is there something about it you can tell her? Anything at all? Maybe that would help. It's too bad she got upset about something so minor, hopefully it is not a sign of things to come. Good luck with it all and welcome to Pash!

AshyBekka · #3 08-08-2006, 05:34 PM

Well, for me personally, I very rarely explain the actual "real" engagement story. There were a lot of things said between the two of us that I see as just that-between the two of us, and I haven't shared them with anyone. I have, however, sketched out the bare "vanilla" basics, just since I do know that people tend to ask how it happened and want details. Are there any general moments that you could share with her to appease her? I think she's most certainly overreacting, but I say pick your battles with this one and come up with something. "It was very romantic...we were (here)...so thoughtful, so special, blah blah blah..."?

topoftheworld · #4 08-08-2006, 05:37 PM

Well, I just didn't think it was her business.

AshyBekka · #5 08-08-2006, 05:43 PM

...or not. It just seems to me that when people ask they're not trying to be nosy, they're just genuinely excited for you and want to hear a little something.

Sh@ks18 · #6 08-08-2006, 06:26 PM

Ya i'd say people are going to ask you how it happened. Just come up with a general basics of it. We were having dinner and out of nowhere he surprised me by poping the question, it was so exciting. Thats it. Short, sweet and to the point.

Welcome to Pash and congratulations on your engagement

So how did it really happen? JUST KIDDING!

labeadel · #7 08-08-2006, 06:44 PM

To be honest, I have never heard of anyone being this private about how they were proposed to. I can kinda see her skepticism, if you will. Most people will give a little bit of the proposal away... I know I'm not much help, I'm just letting you know that I can kinda see why she's upset/disappointed. She's just excited for you and you won't share any part of this special thing with her. Let me ask you, have you shared it with ANYONE, like your own mom?

Yelycrazygirl · #8 08-08-2006, 06:51 PM

Well, most of the people are going to ask how did it happen????? You are going to be ask that question thousand of times. I understand that you don't want to give details, but she is you FMIL so just give her some general insight, you don't have to be specific, just tell her the overall picture....

topoftheworld · #9 08-08-2006, 07:43 PM

I did tell my mom, cause she's mom. I'm not as close to FMIL as I am to my mom of course. When others have asked me, I have just said it was a really special, private moment and left it at that or it was such a blur that I can't really remember all the tiny details. I just don't see why FMIL has to have the general picture at all. I don't think it's her info to know. I am not shutting her out completely. She is making the cake, designing the invites and she will be picking out the flower girl dresses.

Complicated Woman · #10 08-08-2006, 07:47 PM

If you at all can, try to look at it as an opportunity to get closer to your FMIL -- it seems like you already view sharing some tidbits about the wedding in that way, so maybe you can just give her a little of the information so she feels "in on it"? After all, she isn't your mom, but she is your FH's, and that's just as important!

Good luck!

labeadel · #11 08-08-2006, 07:57 PM

But just as you would share it with your mom b/c she'd want to know, it's no different b/c it's her son we're talking about. It's still a parent/child situation.

PlanetClaire · #12 08-08-2006, 08:01 PM

Yeah, come on, throw Mom a bone! No need to go into detail but share some of it- or have your FH tell her- something at least. She'll be a part of your life forever so it's not good to start off on the wrong foot.

wynelle · #13 08-08-2006, 08:11 PM

I do think it unfair to tell your Mom and not tell his Mom. Or has *he* told his mom?

You don't have to give all the details, especially if there aren't specific details to give. A simple "he felt the time was right, and proposed over dinner at Angelo's"

But one of the first things women say after "Oh, what a beautiful ring!" and "Have you set a date?" is "How did he propose?" because some proposals are long, drawn-out elaborate things.

I think your attitude is a bit snicky as it involves his Mom, and this could create problems in the future if you aren't careful.

topoftheworld · #14 08-08-2006, 08:14 PM

I'm not starting off on the wrong foot. She is very involved in the wedding planning. I am making sure of that, but at the same time, I feel like I would like to keep some things private for myself. Yes, she is FH's mom, but she is not as close to me as my mom and even though I personally l like her, I have reservations about her, as do FH and his sister. I don't really seek a close relationship because of her past actions that I know FH and his sister have not fully healed from and that impact them to this day.

Complicated Woman · #15 08-08-2006, 08:25 PM

Is there some reason your FH doesn't want to tell her? If that's the case, then fine. I think you're doing the right thing. My FFIL is not even invited to our wedding because of the way he's treated FH and FMIL. He suffers from bipolar disorder, won't take meds, and self-medicates with alcohol. He's gone so far as to threaten my fiancé with a loaded shotgun while drunk. Needless to say, I don't want to be within 10 yards of this man.

But, as glad as I am that this choice was made, it was my fiancé's decision and if he had wanted his dad there, he would be there and I would have treated him as well as I'd treat my own dad. As much as I dislike and distrust him, when my FH wanted me to go to dinner with him and meet him, I did and I did my very best to treat him as well as I would have if he'd never done those horrible things. As a result, he didn't even find out until months later that I even knew about his past.

I did that because no matter what, he is my FH's dad and it is my FH's choice what kind of relationship he will have with him, if he wants to forgive him and work past things or if he wants to protect himself from him. There's no need for you to put up a wall between you and FMIL, no matter what she's done in the past. Leave that to your FH -- just be supportive of him and encourage him to do what's best for him. If that's keeping FMIL at arms length, fine. If it isn't, I'd tell her SOMETHING.

kjb2b · #16 08-08-2006, 09:46 PM

FH and I have not told anyone the complete story about how he proposed. That's for us to share, and we don't want anyone else to know. So we fudge it a bit when we tell people, and we've told everyone the exact same thing. If you really don't want your FMIL to know everything, just fudge it - just make sure you tell FH what you told her so he doesn't say something else.

555Ann555 · #17 08-08-2006, 09:54 PM

I can understand keeping the actual moment private. That's what I've done too. No one needs to know exactly what happened.

But... I'll still tell people that Moreno proposed at sunset on the island of Madeira...

Why do you think it is OK to cut her off from it totally when you haven't held back on the details from other people?

I don't think anyone deserves to know the intimate details if neither of you want to share them, but it isn't very fair to say that she shouldn't even be given a general over view of it.

Then again, it does kind of sound like you've already made up your mind on this.

mommy03bride · #18 08-08-2006, 09:55 PM

im with ann on this one

rosefeather · #19 08-08-2006, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by topoftheworld

I'm not starting off on the wrong foot. She is very involved in the wedding planning. I am making sure of that, but at the same time, I feel like I would like to keep some things private for myself. Yes, she is FH's mom, but she is not as close to me as my mom and even though I personally l like her

Of course she's not as close to you as your mom and she may never be. That being siad, she is still your FH mom. How would you feel if DH told his mom and refused to tell YOUR mother because he wasn't "close" to her. Though you may have reservations about her, most likely she will be around for a long time and this tiny detail could cause problems. Sharing the general idea of what happened isn't going to hurt. You can still keep the specifics private. Think of it as investing in your future. Giving a little now could go a long way towards helping you two maintain a postive and less stressful futur. Just something to think about.

Quote:

I just don't see why FMIL has to have the general picture at all. I don't think it's her info to know.

She probably wants to know for the same reasons your mother was privelaged enough to know. Why is is wrong for her to want the same information? You can't play favorites. She is happy for her son and just wants to enjoy the story. She isn't demanding a life story from you, just a few tiny details. Life with inlaws is all about give and take!

topoftheworld · #20 08-08-2006, 10:34 PM

I don't want to tell her, I don't see that she has to know. It's none of her business. I only told my mom and that is the only other person I want to know besides FH. FMIL has no right to be privy to what I don't want her to know. She doesn't know I told my mom. And yes, because of the fact that she physically and mentally abused my FH and his sister, I am wary of her. FH and I have already decided she will never be around our kids unsupervised, if at all.

rosefeather · #21 08-08-2006, 10:38 PM

Well it seems to me that your mind was already made up before you posted this question. It is sad that she did that to her children but as she seems to still be an active part of your lives there must be some relationship there. If you choose not to include her in your "family" don't be surprised if she gets upset over things like this. You wanted her to know some additional details about your wedding, but are holding out on something trivial. That is your decision and you have the right to it, but not everyone is gonna agree with you.

555Ann555 · #22 08-08-2006, 10:40 PM

I don't mean to be rude at all, but why ask about this situation if you have no dilema?

You're clear that you don't want her to know. You have your reasons.

The only other thing that concerned me was your posting

Quote:

Now according to FH, she is sulking

If he doesn't want her to know either then why would he be concerned about her sulking?

It is absolutely up to both of you wether you want to tell her or not, but as a bit of friendly advice, I'd make sure you've made this as a joint decision.

AshyBekka · #23 08-08-2006, 10:41 PM

Ok, now see with that information about the abuse, we might not have answered in the same way. One question though-if you are both in agreement that you don't really want her to have any part of your lives together, why are you having her design the wedding cake, the invitations and pick out flower girl dresses? Or is it the financial assistance that you find more attractive than actually having her participate as family in your wedding? I don't mean that to be rude, but if you're not willing to have her in your life, then I'm not sure I believe it's fair to have her in your life enough to finance and put effort into a large part of your wedding...

labeadel · #24 08-08-2006, 10:41 PM

Okay fine. But, you came on here to ask if you "were the crazy one here for not wanting to share" and most of us are saying, "Yes, kind of." I guess you got your answer. We're just trying to answer your question and give you our opinions, and you're just shooting them down left and right. I'm done here with advice.

mommy03bride · #25 08-08-2006, 10:53 PM

well my take on this is i guess your fh is not ready to completely shut her out of his life. wow i gotten say he must be a very strong guy to be able to be around his mom after what she has done. hopefully he is not holding in alot of emotions that she has caused him to have. i have to say and this is only my opinion but i honestly hate people that do stuff like that to their kids or any kid. i think they should all be locked up and the kind of stuff they did to kids should be done to them but worst!

im sorry if i offened anyone by saying that but thats how i really feel