The final week and...sighs - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Jodyangel · #1 08-07-2006, 02:18 PM

..and I'm very torn between between very happy about my daughters upcoming wedding and in tears. Heres the problem in a nutshell. Shes quite immature in many ways and has been rude to me with statements in the past like.."my moms so Stupid", and "shut up Mom and sit Down". She basically only calls around when she needs something and expects that because I am her mother I should always give it to her. Theres lots more..but the thing is my husband is her stepdad, and has been Livid about her behavior. I am a nonconfrontational person and I admit I havent always dealt with the problems as w2ell as I could of. Now several weeks ago I had a long talk with her about being respectful and watching the way she speaks and acts with me and my hubby. I thought we worked it all out ok..time will tell..but hubby wants her to come by the house and talk with him so He can see if she understands how she has hurt me and promises to work harder at our relationship ect ect. I asked her to come by and she said she would find time..sometime. Hubby says he's not attending the wedding unless she does this. I told her. She knows. Its not asking that much is it? Yet the whole weekend went by and she didnt call. He keep saying to me, I"m not going unless she sorts this out.
I hate the thought of going alone..and I hate the thought of the wedge that will be created if this happens.
OH, a side note. Her father, my EX hates me and really hates my new hubby. He would be very happy if hubby didnt attend and is very verbal to daughter about his feelings. When he asked my daugher if I was helping with the wedding she said No. I asked her why and she said.."it just makes dad happy..cant I Just have him be happy for ONE DAY??"..Aghhh issues.
So last night I left her a voice mail telling her I didnt even Know what to say to her, but that it was apparent she didnt care weither we were came to the wedding and that things were sorted out.
I just want to disapear..what can I do now? Call her again????

Complicated Woman · #2 08-07-2006, 03:19 PM

I'm so sorry to hear your daughter is being rude to you! You must be hurting.

Are things always like this or is she just stressed and taking it out on you? Neither is right, but the latter might just go away after the wedding.

May I ask why you're having this conversation through your husband? IMO, your relationship with your daughter is a stand alone thing and your husband should try to be satisfied with whatever resolution you and she have.

Honestly, if my wedding were coming up quickly and my mom told me she were hurting, I'd want to talk to her about it. If my stepdad called and told me he was hurt, I'd want to talk to him about it. In fact, I think if either of them called to kindly let me know that I had hurt the others feelings and asked me to talk to the injured party, I would definitely do it.

But if my stepdad called to tell me my mom was hurt, making threats not to show up and essentially telling me I needed to prove to him that I understood what my mother was telling me in our previous conversations? I don't need that stress. I'd just tell him not to come, then. I'd be sad about it, but I can't imagine myself indulging that sort of manipulative behavior. I really think you'd be better off handling any bad feelings directly with your daughter.

Good luck, and I hope everything works itself out soon.

Jodyangel · #3 08-07-2006, 03:33 PM

Yes I understand what you're saying. But he feels that he cannot stand to see me treated so "second hand" anymore and wants to know that she understands this and wants to change. Nothing more really..just a show that she wants to act better.
She has been acting like this for some time now..it has nothing to do with the wedding. I feel she still holds animossity towards me for leaving her father. Time hopefully will heal that..I've done all that I can. She told me when we chatted the other day that our relationship has always been as it is. That she's just "joking" around with me. I told her that it was time then for our relationship to change..and that That kind of "joking" was not appropriate. My husband just wants to see that I mean something to her more that just a $$ amount. She lives 5 mins away with her fiance and she never just pops in. She makes everyone else a priority. When I mention this she says..Im sooo busy Mommmm you Just don't understand!!! .
Then she crys. Shes very emotional and I have a hard time even talking about issues with her.
Yes she's pregnant and Yes shes getting married in a week.
Is it too much to ask her to stop by and sort this out?
I know hubby. Deep down he's a soft heart and will be calm and nice to her. But so far, she hasnt returned my phone call.
I'd just like to sort this out...because my heart will be broken if I have to attend her wedding alone.
Thanks for your reply =)

Complicated Woman · #4 08-07-2006, 04:10 PM

I'm sure your husband isn't going to chew her head off, and it's sweet of him to want to protect you, but really, if my stepfather was acting like he needed to protect my mother from me, I would be so aggravated and hurt and upset. Especially if he were adding in drama about not coming to my wedding. And she's pregnant to boot? She really doesn't need the stress.

Again, I know I wouldn't talk to him, either, not because I didn't care, but because I wouldn't to allow myself to be pressured and manipulated into proving my love for my mother to my stepdad. I really think that's wrong.

I'm just so worried that this ultimatum is going to hurt your relationship with your daughter more than it ever could help it. If I were you, I'd tell my husband to relax. And please remember, if you end up at the wedding alone, it will be because of your HUSBAND'S actions, not your DAUGHTER'S.

Again, good luck. I don't mean to be a jerk, I just really don't see how any good could come of your husbands actions, and if your relationship with your daughter is shaky now, I really think this is going to hurt it.

Emily · #5 08-07-2006, 04:10 PM

I think that she may just be caught up with everything because the wedding is only a matter of days away - she probably isnt thinking about alot apart from herself and that is understandable considering her wedding is just around the corner and also that she is pregnant. I am not saying that what she is doing is right but she might not even be thinking too much about other people at the moment!

It sounds to me like she is being nasty to you in the way she speaks but also you are the only person in control of your emotions so try not to let her get to you! I know its easier said than done but you are the only one that can control how much this effects you!

Also with your husband saying that he wont be going to the wedding unless she sorts things out with you first might just be playing into her and your ex-husbands hands, this might be what they want!?!? Just a thought??

Some hugs for you!

Sh@ks18 · #6 08-07-2006, 04:32 PM

The road to communication is a 2 way road. I know you and your husband are doing all you can to work this out, but im sorry to say, she's not seeing this as a priority right now.

The best advice I can give you is that you and your husband should take the high road, attend the wedding, be friendly and courteous to everyone then go home. Thats it. After the wedding is over, if your daughter is going to sort things out with you, let her come after you. Stop running to her. If she wants to continue the relationship with you, she will.

mommy03bride · #7 08-07-2006, 04:35 PM

im so sorry to her your daughter is not acting right towards you

like the other girls said i think your daughter is just really busy with the wedding being right around the corner and being pregnant. maybe you and your husband need to go to her. you mentioned that she never pops by but you didnt say if you ever go over there. by no means am i saying pop by though cause that might drive her crazy. (speaking of my fmil that pops by almost everyday)

justnmary · #8 08-07-2006, 04:39 PM

I think you should sit down with hubby and explain that you would really appreciate that he comes to the wedding with you and that after the wedding is done and over he will have plenty of time to talk to your daughter. If things don't change after the talk between you, hubby and daughter then it's time to cut the "umbilical cord". If she isn't willing to atleast try to treat you with respect then you won't continue to give in to her every whim, financially or whatever. A relationship takes two...whether it be husband and wife or mother and daugher.

DragonYoga · #9 08-07-2006, 05:09 PM

I really can't add anything that the other girls haven't, and I think their advice and comments are good; I am curious though, if she is your only child. If so, I can see why it'd be more difficult for you than if it were otherwise. If you and your husband take the high road by smiling and being the friendly, proud parents you both are, it'll have some good kickbacks: 1., it'll show public support of your daughter; 2., it'll make your ex steam and he won't be able to SAY why or it'll make him look bad (especially at his own child's wedding!); and 3., it'll take that much stress off of your daughter, relationship wise. AFTER the wedding day, drop her a note or a call saying something like: "Honey, now that you're married, I'm sure you understand by now how important maintaining a relationship is; if you want a relationship with me, drop by and let me know. Also, now that you're married, I expect you to be able to support yourselves financially. I love you and I will support you whatever way I can, except financially. I love you, Mom."

Something along those lines, that way the ball's most defintely in HER court and your husband should be happy. There is nothing in that statement that can be used against you to make you look bad.

I'm sorry she's being so...bratty at the moment. It *could* be partly from the wedding and being pregnant, but I see no excuse for it, and I hope things get better.

Jodyangel · #10 08-07-2006, 09:30 PM

Smiles to all of you. Wish you could come by and chat with us all together LOL!!
Ok. No she is not my only child. I have 4 children. The problem stems from the hate her father spews towards me I'm sure. And the fact that he allows her to have whatever she wants moneywise..I'm sure just to make me look bad. He won't say no to whatever she asks for. I on the other hand feel that if you're going to play in the grownup world Like a grownup then you have to stand on your own 2 feet. And not act like a child at home. Just my opinion. Our relationship has been rockyish since I divorced her dad. But I've done all I can to work on that. Sometimes, I've just not called since she wasn't calling me. That could go on for weeks or months. Now if any of you are mothers you know how hard that is to do..and how much it hurts. I do think having this baby will open her eyes to alot of things. She honestly has no idea how much work its going to be. And hopefully she'll look to me for things that will strengthen our relationship. Dunno...
Well before I read your responses I called daughter at work to see why she hadnt returned my call from last night. "I didn't get any message mom?". Hmmmm ok. Well she says she will stop by this week before the wedding rehersal dinner. I have to work most evenings this week so I wont be there to see how it goes. My hubby is insistant that he have a chat with her. I would not be able to change his mind. He is very protective of me, and just wants to have a bit of time to talk over a few things on his mind he says.
If she is lying and doesnt stop by, then theres not much else I can do.
See he has given her the benefit of the doubt for a long time now, and she has always shown herself to be quite selfish. Whew, weddings are tough!!!
Ok so I just need someone to talk to about this I think and you guys are here. So thanks for the support. Those of you who pray plz say a little one for us as the week progresses. Its Jessica and her mom and stepparent. God will know who we are lol.
Talk soon!! Got wedding flowers to arrange!!

Sh@ks18 · #11 08-07-2006, 09:59 PM

Good luck, let us know how it goes

Jodyangel · #12 08-07-2006, 11:01 PM

Thanks I will. I appreciate everyones input. Its good to know theres a place where you can vent, question and ask for a girls help!

Heather · #13 08-07-2006, 11:42 PM

I'm so sorry you're growing through this with your daughter, especially at this time in her life when she probably needs her Mom the most. My Mom is my best friend and I only wish I lived 5 minutes away from her. I hope for both your sakes that she grows up and comes to her senses with regard to your relationship. Of course we're only hearing one side, but I can't imagine any circumstance that would keep me away from my Mom.

Anyway - I'm with Complicated on this one, with everything she says. I don't like being backed into a corner or given ultimatums, and it sounds like that is what your husband would be doing, however inadvertantly. (sp?)

Step-parents shouldn't try to get involved in biological parent-child relationships (according the "experts"), especially if they're adults. I think it's sweet for your husband to want to protect you, but when it comes to your own flesh and blood, it's not his place in this type of situation.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything goes how you want it to.

Complicated Woman · #14 08-08-2006, 04:40 AM

Jody, I will definitely be praying for your situation. Again, I'm really sorry you're going through this stuff.

As a young adult whose relationship with her own mother is rocky at best most of the time, I just really feel for your daughter. I'd bet the farm that it isn't that she doesn't care. Every girl cares about her mom. I'm sure my advice and perception is biased a bit because of that, but I'm going to be really frank and ask you something hard anyway, just on the off chance that it will help your circumstance and your relationship with your daughter: what do you LIKE about your daughter? I know she probably has good qualities that you love and admire, but here you've called her selfish, immature, and rude.

Truly, my relationship with my mother is pretty bad because she thinks things like that of me, when EVERYONE else in my life tells me the opposite. She insists this is because "no one knows me like she does" and "no one else gets treated like she does because I like everyone but her". She frequently sees something wrong in what I've done or said, as though every word out of my mouth is intended to insult her.

I am not exaggerating: once I brought natural casing hot dogs from a local smoke haus to a family BBQ and she was mad at me because she felt like I thought she was too stupid and cheap to buy good hot dogs. To make matters worse, she stewed over it for two months before she said anything to me about it. Similar things happened when I offered to make side dishes for dinner, bought outfits for my baby sister, tried to fix a virus on her PC, and baked a cake for my family. She even accused me of ruining her Christmas eve with her husband and daughter -- her words were actually, "Well, now Bryanne's here, there goes OUR Christmas eve" -- because I was helping my sister to hang an ornament on the tree and SHE wanted to be the one to do it, which she didn't tell me. And seriously, she doesn't have any idea when I am joking, which I don't get, since I came from her womb I would think she'd have a handle on my humor. But I digress. I am SURE you are NOT like this, but I wanted to tell the stories to give you some perspective on my position.

Anyway, my point is, I don't make an effort to have a relationship with my mom like I do with other people in my life because there are loads of people who see the good in me, and she always thinks the worst. Why would you want to be around someone who mostly sees your faults, is insulted all the time, and wants to correct and fix you all the time? I know I don't. And I do love my mom, a lot. But I don't need her to approve of me, and if she doesn't, so be it. I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to be who she wants me to be. I am who I am.

I guess what I'm getting at is, your daughter probably isn't going to want to be around you and fix things if she knows that you think of her as rude, immature, and selfish and so does your new husband. I'm not saying you shouldn't address these issues, or that you need to just tell her what she wants to hear, but at this point, much of the opportunity to "parent" her the way you would if she was a teenager is gone. I think you need to decide whether or not you LIKE the person she is, aside from how much you LOVE her because she is your child, because the fact is, she is a grown woman who is getting married and becoming a mother. You probably aren't going to be able to change her any more than she is able to change the things she doesn't like about you.

Again, I say this because of my own life experience and honestly, I really miss my mom. I miss a lot of the good things about her and we miss out on a lot together because she just can't like me for who I am. But, as much as I miss her, I am not going to subject myself to constant scrutiny and criticism. I'd rather be around people who know my heart and aren't always seeing black motives in all my actions. Again, your situation doesn't seem nearly so extreme, but I know that these things do evolve and build. I just would hate to see another mother and daughter go through what we're going through.

Again, my prayers are with you.

Jodyangel · #15 08-12-2006, 04:28 AM

ok Finally a moment to post here.
Things went Very well yesterday with the chat between hubby daughter and I. She was very well composed and hubby was soft as putty with her. They talked about how they both felt and daughter said she was sorry if she had been rude to me in the past. And that she would not repeat those mistakes.
I am on cloud 9 because I was so scared that this would not be resolved.
Thanks guys for your advise.
Tomorrow is the wedding and I'm up making bows for the church pews then off to bed. I'll post some pics when I can. Its suppose to be a drop dead gorgeous day tomorrow!!

Lizbet · #16 08-12-2006, 05:07 AM

I can't wait to see pics from the wedding. I'm glad to hear things worked out.

Complicated Woman · #17 08-12-2006, 01:56 PM

I am SO glad to hear that everything went well!

Hope the wedding goes smoothly and everyone has a wonderful time.

Kim&Bob2004 · #18 08-13-2006, 12:26 AM

I am glad things are looking up! Tell us about the wedding!

Jodyangel · #19 08-14-2006, 04:37 AM

Emily · #20 08-14-2006, 11:35 AM

Yay I'm so pleased for you - I was actually wondering on the weekend how things turned out for you!

And your daughter looks beautiful!

AshyBekka · #21 08-14-2006, 01:03 PM

I'm so glad things turned out well! Your daughter and her friends look gorgeous in the pic-can't wait to see more! Congratulations!!!

DragonYoga · #22 08-14-2006, 02:12 PM

I'm so glad things worked out, Jody! Your daughter and the bridesmaids look gorgeous!

I'm soo happy you three were able to work it out! Keep us updated! Any upcoming coffee dates with your daughter? OOPS that should probably be tea... pregnant women can't have coffee can they?

Complicated Woman · #23 08-14-2006, 02:15 PM

They look beautiful!

Jodyangel · #24 08-14-2006, 04:03 PM

Thank you all!!! Yes she was gorgeous. I'm going over the wallymart this am so I'll post some really nice pics later. Ohh let me post a pic of the reception flowers...BRB!!

Loads more words to share too. My ex blew my mind that day!!

Jodyangel · #25 08-14-2006, 04:06 PM

<br><br>
Ok so you can't see the bow thats in front, but there is a pretty good pic of the table flowers. I grew some of the flowers myself but bought a few fillers.
At the end of the night my hubby and I asked all the women if they wanted flowers with the vases. Needless to say they all went home LOL!!!