Advice on how to deal with my FI??? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

rachel1374 · #1 08-01-2006, 05:56 PM

I'm sorry if this is long....
I have been married before, my FI has not. I did the big wedding. Not by my choice but b/c I didn't care and that was what everyone around me thought we should do. I never knew it wasn't a requirement to have the big wedding and reception.
We are planning our destination wedding in Florida and couldn't be happier. We wanted to keep it simple and that was the best solution. My FI wants very little to do with the planning which is OK with me but when I tell him a decision I made, he doesn't like it. When I say b/c of money it's fine to not have everyone included he says it's just b/c I've been married before. When I say we could get married just the two of us and I would be thrilled he tells me it's b/c I did the big wedding. He never wants to talk about any wedding anything but tells people that he has no free time b/c that's all he does. (sorry, momentary rant : "What?!?! You have done nothing buddy!!!" OK, I'm better) I'm doing 90% of the planning stuff for him b/c it's what he wants, not me. I don't mind it but what's the point if he just seems irritated with me all the time???
Is this some sort of red flag I should be running away from or is this just the "DUH" guy type of thing and I just need to try to explain things ?

Sh@ks18 · #2 08-01-2006, 06:06 PM

I think theres a red flag somewhere in there. This ones sort of a toughy. On the one hand he's not helping with the planning and on the other, when you offer a suggestion he doesnt like, he throws in the fact that you've been married before.

I think (and ofcourse i can be completely wrong) that he's not okay with the idea that you've been married before, mainly because if he WAS okay with it, then he wouldnt constantly bring it up and throw it in your face. When people are upset, thats when their true colors come out. I think you need to have a serious talk with your FI or see a counselor.

I hope everything turns out okay

Lizbet · #3 08-01-2006, 06:08 PM

I think it's a little of both. The "guy thing" is that he wants you to do most of the planning. (Not all guys, but most prefer not to get too involved in the planning.) But, it seems like he has some kind of idea of what he does and doesn't want, and he hasn't told you what it is. This is what you should discuss. You need to talk about what you would consider the ideal wedding and what your FH thinks about it. You may have to compromise to come up with something that works for both of you.

Complicated Woman · #4 08-01-2006, 06:17 PM

Hmmm. Well, I can see how his behavior would be irritating. I'd be aggravated if my FH were doing that. Honestly, it seems a bit like he's feeling unimportant because you've done the wedding thing already and he wants you to make as big a deal over this marriage, but he's being all moody and passive aggressive about it because he's not sure how to tell you.

I know when my mom got married the second time, she did the big wedding thing because it was my stepdad's first marriage and it was important to him. Even though he didn't explicitly say he needed a big wedding (come on, he's a man, he can't exactly pull the "when I was a little boy I dreamt of this day" card), she knew that he would want to have that special day with his family and friends, and so they had one, even though my mom would've just as easily snuck off. Maybe your FH just wants that special day with you and his loved ones and doesn't know how to express that to you in a positive way.

I do think it's a teensy bit troubling that you would consider ending it over something like this...at least that's how I'm understanding the "should I be running away from this?" part...do you think you might want to reevaluate your commitment to him? I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but this definitely seems like a relatively minor issue you should talk about and hash through, not a deal breaker. As I'm sure you know, much bigger stuff will come up over the course of your relationship. If you don't feel that committed, maybe you don't really want to get married?

Sorry if I'm reading too much into that comment, and I probably am, it just sort of surprised me. Good luck with everything!

rachel1374 · #5 08-01-2006, 06:33 PM

Honestly, it never has crossed my mind to completely end this b/c of this little issue. I was just worried that I had stars in my eyes and it was a bigger problem than I wanted to see. I have no doubts that he loves me 100% and I love him. He does have a bit of an issue with me having been married before. It has been the topic of hundreds of conversations for the past 3 years we have been together but I thought he was passed all that....Thanks for the heads up, maybe that's where the problem is.

I do know, he wants our wedding to be unique and different. (His brother just got married and he keeps saying their wedding was lame and he wants ours to be much better). He keeps telling me he knows I can pull all this off with our non-existant budget and it will be great, but then tells people I'm just driving him crazy. I'm more excited about the honeymoon (a whole week of just us two hanging out, no distractions...heaven) and really don't care hugely about the ceremony. He does and I WILL give him whatever he wants. Why does it have to feel like I'm causing a problem when I'm just trying to read everything he isn't saying and make this into his dream wedding for him.

Complicated Woman · #6 08-01-2006, 06:39 PM

Sorry for jumping to the wrong conclusion...I figured I probably was reading that wrong! I just know that some people get on the marriage train and really are looking for a way to jump off, so I guess I wanted to ask if you wanted out in case no one was asking and you needed them to...does that make any sense at all? LOL I guess it comes from a previous experience with a friend. I'm sorry!

Just so you know, it's not your job to be a mind reader. I think I misunderstood your original post -- I didn't realize he wanted specific things, I thought he just wanted a fuss, but it sounds like you are fussing...

Anyway, I'm sure you'll be able to talk it out. And you know we're here when you want to vent!

rachel1374 · #7 08-01-2006, 08:26 PM

No problem at all. It might have been confusing b/c I was trying to keep it short without leaving out the pertinent info. I just want this to be everything he wants b/c I can definitely tell he has something in mind but doesn't want to come out and say what it is.

I'm hoping I can try to get him to talk to me about it. I've tried a few times but he always side tracks me and we get off topic. (I'm not sure if he's even aware of it)

I know our wedding will be a great time and he will enjoy it. We took a cruise last year and he was the same way the whole time during the planning stage but once we went he kept saying how glad he was that I made him do it. I just think our marriage shouldn't be the same way.

Thank you all for listening to me ramble. I've pulled our wedding together for under $2000 and just figured out a way to do our at home reception for under $1000 for about 200 people. I guess I just thought he would have seemed more excited.... or at least supportive.

Sh@ks18 · #8 08-01-2006, 09:14 PM

I think he just needs a little more reassurance that this wedding is more special and meaningful for you than your first. I think if you start getting over excited (even if its highly exagerated) about the smallest things regarding your wedding, then he'll probably stop trying to compete with the first wedding. Good luck

and i too apologize if i seemed harsh

rachel1374 · #9 08-02-2006, 01:00 PM

I don't think anyones responses seemed harsh. I needed an outside perspective.
We talked about it last night and it turns out he was feeling guilty b/c we got our a house this past May instead of early spring right before the wedding, right before the wedding (due to things happening with his living situation beyond our control). That means we just took on a house payment and aren't able to save up to cover everything we originally wanted. We are still doing a close variation but have to make our finances a bit tight to be able to afford everything. I didn't mind. Life is what it is and there are always unexpected things that happen, he feels like b/c of him I can't have what I want. (Too cute.) Basically, we are trying to do everything to make the other one happy but we weren't communicating. Oh well, not anymore.

We should be straight now.
Thank you all so much. I might have kept putting it off if it wasn't for your wonderful words of wisdom.

Lizbet · #10 08-02-2006, 02:09 PM

I'm glad you were able to talk about it and figure out how each other felt!

Sh@ks18 · #11 08-02-2006, 04:21 PM

aw im so glad things worked out. Sometimes little quarrels help strengthen your bond.