showers and whatnot - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

kjb2b · #1 08-01-2006, 03:05 PM

So last night my mom decided to ask me lots of questions about wedding stuff. Keep in mind that FH and I have discussed very little beyond a possible date, number of people in the bridal party, and ... well, I think that's it. I've thought about tons of stuff, but there is not a single thing set in stone yet (except that we will be married, of course). Anyway, so my mom just starts asking me questions about bridal showers and whatnot. She didn't have one back when she got married, so she doesn't really know what to do, and I have no idea how it works either. Who hosts/throws the shower? Who is invited? How long before the wedding? Of course I need to set a date before any plans whatsoever can be made, but I'd like to give my mom some info on this.

Complicated Woman · #2 08-01-2006, 03:14 PM

I think it's actually against ettiquette for your mom to host a shower, so she doesn't really need to worry about it. Your maid of honor and maids should do the planning and hosting.

You can decide if you want a bridal shower or a couples shower, if you want FH there you can invite anyone you want as long as they are also invited to the wedding. It should include bridal party, close friends, family on both sides.

I would say you should have the shower 2-3 months out. As early as 5 I wouldn't think much but I've heard girls on here say that's too soon. If there is a reason to do it earlier (relatives from out of the country will be in town) you can go for it.

ladedah · #3 08-01-2006, 03:48 PM

I had four showers....one hosted by my MOH & BM's (for my friends), my MIL & SIL hosted a shower for my DH's side of the family,...that was nice because some of them I had never met before...lovely....and my mom's best friend had one back home for my mom's friends and mom/dad's side of the family...and then my MIL's friend had a shower and invited my MIL's friends. four showers were too many...I got tired of it by the third one, but it was nice because each one was smaller 10-12 people, so we got to chat more and it wasn't so clustered...but also it was nice because the cost was lower for each of them...instead of my BM's having to pay for one ginormous shower...and after all, someone says, I'd like to host a shower for you...what do you say..no?

otherwise, I think the etiquette things that CW mentioned are pretty much what to follow.

Lizbet · #4 08-01-2006, 05:01 PM

CW is correct that ettiquette-wise the shower should not be hosted by immediate family, unless the family member is also part of your wedding party. For example, your sister is your MOH, then she is allowed to host the shower.

That being said, everything is becomming less traditional, and it is totally up to you.

Marge129 · #5 08-01-2006, 06:20 PM

Who hosts/throws the shower? The MOH and BM's host the shower

Who is invited? Any woman who is also invited to the wedding can be invited. I wouldn't invite people that live out of town, though, it will seem like a grab for gifts since it's unlikely that they'll attend.

How long before the wedding? Showers are usually held no sooner than 2 months before the wedding (certain circumstances can make this different). It's nice to have it after the guests have received the wedding invitation... or will at least get it soon.

sharoncute25 · #6 08-02-2006, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

Who hosts/throws the shower? The MOH and BM's host the shower

Who is invited? Any woman who is also invited to the wedding can be invited. I wouldn't invite people that live out of town, though, it will seem like a grab for gifts since it's unlikely that they'll attend.

How long before the wedding? Showers are usually held no sooner than 2 months before the wedding (certain circumstances can make this different). It's nice to have it after the guests have received the wedding invitation... or will at least get it soon.

what she said

kjb2b · #7 08-02-2006, 05:41 PM

Thanks everyone - my mom was super relieved that this won't be in her hands. She's already told me that the only way she'll probably be able to help will be with any of the DIY stuff I want to do, and not at all financially. That bothers me a little, knowing that FH's parents will most likely contribute, and I know they had a hard time when FSIL's family didn't help financially.

Kim&Bob2004 · #8 08-02-2006, 08:23 PM

Hi Kathy,

Generally speaking bridal showers are held no more than 2 months from the wedding date. There are of course circumstances which prevent this, but generally speaking most are held within a 6 week window. Like Margie said, either shortly before or after the guest would have gotten their wedding invites.

As far as who to invite: Generally women going to the wedding or often times someone will host one at work, and to all your and your FH husbands important female family members, regardless of where they live (sister, close aunts, grandmothers, his mom, sisters and grandmothers---only an aunt if he would be really close to them--and cousins whom you are close to). For example all of Bob's close family lives in KY, I knew there wasn't a chance in you know what that they would come, but I still felt it important to acknowledge their future importance in my life (His mother is gone so his Aunts have filled that role in his life). It wasn't for gifts and none were expected, it was out of respect. Now at my brother's wedding, the bride didn't send invites to the shower to anyone but her family and friends right in the area. I know they say that the wedding is all about her, but that isn't completely true. When you plan on joining two lives, you need to not try to alienate your future in-laws. Which brings up something else, is there a reason why your FIL's would need to know how much your family does or doesn't contribute? If no family helped, wouldn't you still get married? The answer is yes. So if the FIL's contribute, I would treat it as a gift and send a nice thank you, but it is bad etiquette IMHO, to let others know what you have gotten when it is a monetary gift. Your Mom helping with the DIY stuff is wonderful and if the FIL's do get wind, tell them you figure your mom's help is worth 20 or more an an hour..... Maybe more as I am sure she will help (i.e., be a wedding planner, consultant with you) give you moral support, etc. Some things can't have a price tag on them.

kjb2b · #9 08-02-2006, 08:40 PM

It's not that I few monetary contributions as incredibly important, I just don't want my FILs to think badly about my mom ... not that they would, because they're absolutely wonderful people, but it's just me being worried anyway. I'm just nervous about being able to afford a nice wedding without having to wait years and years to get married.

Kim&Bob2004 · #10 08-02-2006, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kjb2b

It's not that I few monetary contributions as incredibly important, I just don't want my FILs to think badly about my mom ... not that they would, because they're absolutely wonderful people, but it's just me being worried anyway. I'm just nervous about being able to afford a nice wedding without having to wait years and years to get married.

You said earlier that you thought your FIL's were upset (or had a hard time) when FSIL's family didn't help financially. That is what I was basing that response on. If they ask what your family is doing to help tell them, nicely, that their help is beyond words and expectations, that you mom's help is invaluable. And don't worry about worrying about what they might think!

Nice weddings don't have to cost and arm and a leg. Many women here, myself included, have done budget weddings that haven't put the bride and groom or their families in debt for the next 5 yrs, and personally I think they have all been wonderful. Remember, no wedding is ugly!

kjb2b · #11 08-02-2006, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

You said earlier that you thought your FIL's were upset (or had a hard time) when FSIL's family didn't help financially. That is what I was basing that response on. If they ask what your family is doing to help tell them, nicely, that their help is beyond words and expectations, that you mom's help is invaluable. And don't worry about worrying about what they might think!

Nice weddings don't have to cost and arm and a leg. Many women here, myself included, have done budget weddings that haven't put the bride and groom or their families in debt for the next 5 yrs, and personally I think they have all been wonderful. Remember, no wedding is ugly!

I definitely don't want to be in debt for 5 years, not for a wedding, anyway - I'll still be paying enough for student loans!!

And I think the response of my FILs for the other wedding was a lot more complicated ... that couple had been living together for 10 years before they got married, so the families are more familiar with each other. Plus I don't think the two sets of parents have ever gotten along very well. My mom and his parents have only spoken a couple times, but they seemed to get along on both occasions, so hopefully I'll have nothing to worry about.

Heather · #12 08-02-2006, 10:59 PM

Thanks for explaining because at first I thought you were upset that your family wasn't contributing financially and of course, no one is responsible for any aspect of your wedding except for you and future hubby.

I wouldn't worry too much about what FILs think of your Mom. They're not obligated to pay one red cent either so if they're going to be so righteous about it, I'm not sure I would accept any money from them at all. If they offer a financial gift, that's wonderful but would they try to tell you how to spend it? If they do take issue with anything, let's hope they have the sense to keep it to themselves.

You can definitely do a ton on a budget and I'm sure you know by now that we're all here to help!

labeadel · #13 08-02-2006, 11:10 PM

The MOH or the BM's can host the shower. It doesn't have to be ALL of them together.

I did invited people from far out of town, but only really close relatives. I didn't send invites to distant relatives, as I agree, it would seem like a gift grab.

I had my shower 5 months before the wedding, and nobody thought it was too early. My personal opinion is that any time that works for you and your BM's is fine.