Losing control.... - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

justnmary · #1 07-31-2006, 08:57 PM

As you well know (by looking at my ticker), I'll be married in just under 3 weeks. Justin and I have been talking (more him talk I listen) and I'm really starting to get nervous with being re-married and losing control of finances. He wants to combine our incomes, which I'm ok with, but he wants control. That bothers me a lot! I don't want to go to work everyday and come payday hand my paycheck over and have to ask for an allowance. He hasn't stated that in specific words but that is the general gist that I'm getting from it. He is good with money but I don't like to have to ask for money that I worked for too. Right now he pays the mortgage, car ins., tractor payment and his credit card and I pay all utilities, food and my credit card. We each buy our own gas, pay our own cell bills. But I can't imagine having to ask for money. Is it wrong to feel this way? Does anyone else have their spouse do all the finances? I just don't know how I should feel on this subject. There are times he goes to the casino and loses (once a whole paycheck) and that scares the crap out of me. He's been a lot better about it, usually he'll say he's got the urge to go and I tell him "ok, take 50-100 and leave your credit cards and check book here." well the other night when I went with the girls (my girls night out/bachelorette party) we went to the casino (my first time) and when I got home I found out he had gone-I thought he might-but he lost $300 some of which he took out on his credit card....why do I feel like I'm going to go broke if I give him my paycheck every other week?

maroki13 · #2 07-31-2006, 09:06 PM

How exciting that your wedding is so soon! I know how you feel.

Right now, FH and I are each in control of our own finances, but after we are married we are merging our finances. He is great with money and will be paying all of our bills, but I won't have to ask for an allowance or anything...I'll have debit and credit cards of my own. We've decided on the amount that we can spend without checking with each other, and anything over that we'll check with each other before we spend it. FH is much more conservative with money than I am, so I'm actually happy that he'll be watching most of our finances.

What exactly makes you think that you will have an 'allowance'? Have you discussed how much you are each able to spend without consulting each other, and after you merge finances, will he run his spending by you? Especially if he is going gambling with it? Does he pay all of his bills on time currently? Will you have equal access to debit and credit cards?

I hope this gets resolved before the wedding, I'm sure it is added stress you don't need.

justnmary · #3 07-31-2006, 09:18 PM

He just mentioned that after we're married he thinks we should open a joint account at his bank ( I don't like his bank, they charge for everything!)and we'd each get a debit card for our own use and that we'd each get a limit of xxx amount of dollars a week to use which I'm okay with. He is very good with money (it's his credit that bought the house, my credit went to hell with my ex-hubby being in charge-which I think is why I'm having issues now of having to hand over my money...) that and he's so frickin' tight that it drives me nuts. Now, if the kids forgot to turn off a light he's like "well, your paying for it so I'm not going to nag", okay, once we combine incomes he's going to be a tyrant and I don't want my kids to feel like they don't do anything right because he will nag about everything that costs money. There's a bonus to being money conscious, but it's also a curse and a nightmare where everything you buy you have to explain why you felt it was a better deal. THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!! I don't want to have to explain everything I spend money on especially when he can spend it on whatever he feels is a good deal...

Congrats to you, Maroki! Your's is even sooner!!! Wow, where'd the time go?

Julz518 · #4 07-31-2006, 09:19 PM

I'm sure you guys can work this out... just take a deep breath and think about what you want and truly feel would work best for your situation...

You said that he is doing most of the talking - what would happen if you piped up and said "this is what I think you are saying and I don't feel comfortable with it" and then suggested an alternative? This is not a "little" issue - finances is the #1 thing couples fight about and one of the top causes of divorce - therefore you guys need to sit down and rationally discuss this, not let one of your make the decisions.

What my fiance and I do is this: we have one joint account for paying "our" bills (mortgage, groceries, utilities, etc.). We each contribute equally to it every month and we have an understanding that this money is for joint expenses and emergencies only, not for personal use. We also have a joint savings account which we also contribute to equally every month, which is used for stuff like vacations and furniture. The money is automatically deposited into each of these accounts from our paychecks, so neither of us has to "give" the other money. Whatever is left from each of our paychecks goes in to our individual checking accounts to spend as we see fit. It's kind of like the opposite of an allowance.

The best thing is - it is all done AUTOMATICALLY, so we don't have to rely on each other to transfer or deposit money into our accounts each month. I think a lot of employers now offer the option to split your money between separate accounts with direct deposit. Or you may be able to set up an automatic transfer with your bank to take place each month a few days after payday (our bank allows us to do all this online).

If you can't afford to contribute equally (as is sometimes a stretch for me, since he makes twice as much as I do), you could come up with an agreement of how much you will each contribute, possibly proportional to your salary, or to how much you each eat or shower :-P.

I don't think it matters who manages the account, as long as that person is responsible enough for the bills toget paid on time. For the most part, I handle our joint accounts - I balance the check book & pay the bills. But he also has a check card so he can go grocery shopping, etc. as long as he gives me the receipts. If your FH demands to have 100% control of your finances, then there may be other issues that need to be discussed.

Good Luck!

wynelle · #5 07-31-2006, 09:26 PM

Hi Mary-- it sounds like you have a lot more discussion coming up. Sounds like he sort of has a bit of a gambling problem---it can be a problem if you live near a casino---or maybe it was a one/two/three time episode which will never happen again. But since he has blown at least one paycheck, it could be worrisome.

Personally, I would hate to be in a position to have to approve all my expenses and ask my husband for "pin money." It just sounds so 1950's.

Now, from the list of bills you mentioned, it seems he is paying the lion's share of the bills. Perhaps he feels that after you are married, you should be contributing more to the family bills.

Have you two considered this: Each contributes 1/2 of their paycheck to a "joint" acount used to pay the mortgage and household bills, and uses the remaining 1/2 to pay personal credit cards, personal expenses, personal car payment. You alternate on a monthly basis as to who sits down and writes the "family" expenses, although automatic deduction from the checking account works really well. You may find that it is better to include the insurance and car payments in the "family" bills, but will need to up the personal contributions to 2/3 or 3/4 of each paycheck. But at least this way, each of you has a certain amount to spend independently, and you can be certain the bills are getting paid.

justnmary · #6 07-31-2006, 09:28 PM

I guess I'll just bite the bullet and sit down and talk to him about it. Maybe I'm just over reacting because of how things went with my ex....I don't know.

justnmary · #7 07-31-2006, 09:35 PM

The gambling thing is once every 6 months or so....in december after taking out the amount he put into the machines, he came out a head $3000....a week later he went and came back $800 less but after that (I gave him the what for on that one) he's only gone 2 x's $50 each time....won $100 and lost $50. Then this last weekend he lost $300 but last week he went and won $1505. So he's generally ok and balances out between win/lose but I hate to risk money on something that's not a sure thing so I worry....but he's been good about not going often...he goes in spurts.

Complicated Woman · #8 07-31-2006, 09:38 PM

Our plan is just to have a joint checking and savings account for us both. I don't earn anywhere near as much as Tom, he is going to be supporting us both, really, but I am better at managing money than he is. We just figured if he hands me his paycheck I will make sure it gets where it needs to. We've planned out an approximate budget with a set amount of spending money for personal items weekly, although large purchases will be discussed with each other first.

PlanetClaire · #9 07-31-2006, 10:00 PM

The way my financial planner explained to me, as well as Suze Ormon and many others is that to enable you both to have some money is that you look at what percentage of the total household income you put in as opposed to saying 50/50.

So say you make $20,000 and your hubby makes $50,000. The total income is $70,000. You'd be responsible to pay 29% and your hubby 71% of the bills. That way you each have some of "your own" money- which is crucial!

There are some great books out there about this very topic. "Smart Couples Finish Rich" is a great one!

The automatic dispersion is also a must as is the 3-4 accounts. You have a joint one for bills, a savings or emergency ( that requires both parties to sign in order to retrieve funds) and a single/personal account each.

Money and it's handling is one of the most stressful aspects of a partnership and it's understandable that , based on your prior experience, you are nervous.

Try find a planner or someone who could help you both put a plan /strategy in place.

Robyn Lynn · #10 07-31-2006, 10:48 PM

I'm sorry you are struggling with this Mary. Definitely sit down and talk about it.

I am on the other side of this -- I do our finances. DH told me he wanted me to because he isn't any good at it. Problem is, he didn't realize that with our joint checking account I was writing checks for my bills and he was taking money out because it said there was enough in there!!!!!

Then he was forgetting to tell me he took money out (not all the time because other times he'd remember) and I wasn't checking it online. We finally got that straightened out and have worked out a strategy that he will take what he needs each paycheck in cash to use and budget himself and I will do the same, but straight from the account. So I guess he'll be getting an allowance!! And I don't like the idea of that. It will change when we are actually in the same house together and can look at the accounts together(he's computer illiterate)

I would suggest that you both look at your finances together online maybe twice a week so you can see what both of you are taking out. That way maybe one or the other won't feel like they are getting an allowance and you both have control over the accounts.

feb-bride · #11 07-31-2006, 11:04 PM

I believe that if you have joint finances, you should be paying the bills TOGETHER. Meaning, you both sit down with the checkbook when it's time to pay the monthly bills. It is NEVER smart to have one person paying all of the bills. What happens if something happens to that person and the other person has no idea where they are financially? That's WAY too scary, IMO.

There is no way in HELL that I'd work and then ask my husband for an "allowance" out of the checking account. NO WAY. That's just me, though. The way we handle our finances is that I write the checks out of my checking account (my husband and I have a joint credit card, but no joint checking or savings accounts). I transfer $ from his account to mine each time we get paid to cover my husband's half of the bills. We both bank at the same credit union, and we have each other's bank account #s and PIN #s. This way, if something ever happened to me, he has access to my accounts.

As far as savings - I put some money each payday into a savings account that we use for joint purchases. The account is in my name, but it's our money. He has the account and PIN #s, just in case he needs to get to the $ and I'm not around.

My husband and I don't sit down together to pay the bills because we don't have a joint checking account, but he knows what we owe to people.

After I pay the joint bills and put money in the "joint" savings account, any money left-over in each of our personal accounts is ours to spend as we see fit. I would never put myself in a position where I had to ask permission to buy something or justify a purchase. I work just as hard for my salary as my husband works for his, so why should one of us be "in charge" of all the money?

SuzyBride · #12 08-01-2006, 04:09 AM

We have a joint checking and are going to get a joint savings and he has a checking. Right now only I have access to the joint checking. I'm not real sure how we are going to work things when I get back home and we have a steady income. I do know that I will be the one to pay all the bills except his credit cards. Basically right now he gets money when he lets me know he needs it and he gets pretty much however much he wants/needs, but like I said, that will probably change soon! We definately need to have the money talk too!

Complicated Woman · #13 08-01-2006, 04:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

I believe that if you have joint finances, you should be paying the bills TOGETHER. Meaning, you both sit down with the checkbook when it's time to pay the monthly bills. It is NEVER smart to have one person paying all of the bills. What happens if something happens to that person and the other person has no idea where they are financially? That's WAY too scary, IMO.

This is an excellent and amazingly obvious point I never considered. I am so glad you brought it up. I will have to establish very good records and teach Tom how to check up on them!

Lizbet · #14 08-01-2006, 02:08 PM

That's what happened to my Grandfather. My Grandmother always took care of all the finances, and after my G-ma passed, my G-pa had no idea how to use money. After a couple of serious mistakes on his part, my Aunt ended up taking over his finances.

So, I agree with Feb that it's very important for both parties to understand the family money situation.

AngelRoseFyre · #15 08-03-2006, 02:20 AM

I am not the best with my finances (which is kinda ironic since I work in a bankruptcy law office), my FH is very good with budgeting and money. When we get married we will combine out incomes as well. He doesn't give me an allowence or anything, but he makes up a budget for the month each month, and lets me know how much extra money we have, after we pay for the neccessities, and save a little for emergancies and the honeymoon/wedding. Then we split the money left over for whatever we want to use it on.

Heather · #16 08-03-2006, 03:22 AM

Mike and I are set up almost exactly like Julz518.

BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED we sat down with our monthly paychecks and then figured out our combined bills and our separate bills (student loans, truck, and so on.)

After we did that we set up a shared checking and shared saving. I have my own checking & savings and Mike does too. All shared expenses (mortgage, insurance, taxes, utilities, groceries) come out of the shared. He pays his CC and I pay mine. He pays his own student loans and I pay mine. My car was paid off a year early and he pays the loan on the Jeep. (I've offered to kick in for that but he says it's not a big deal b/c it's such a low payment.)

Now, as a woman - my Mom always told me to have enough money in the bank to live on my own for three months if I had to. I don't think my marriage is going to fail, but in my personal savings account I have almost enough to pay our mortgage, other shared bills and my own bills for 3 months. It's gaining interest and since it's not a necessity at this very moment, I use it as a back-up source if there's something I absolutely need (or that we need.)

The point of spelling all of this out is because as was mentioned in earlier posts, it's so important for both people to fully and wholly understand the finances involved in your marriage. It doesn't stop at checking accounts and savings accounts either. What about 401Ks and Life Insurance? Both of you should sit down with all financial papers and go through each one so that you both understand your situation accurately. Life can change drastically in a heartbeat and it's important to know where you stand at every moment.

You could try his system for a month or two and see how it goes. If you're not happy with it, sit down with everything again and work out a different solution. Sometimes you have to go through trial and error but you'll get there. The important thing is to keep the lines of communication WAY open and to not argue about it. Just figure out the bottom line and make it work - together.

Good luck!

whiddle · #17 08-04-2006, 12:51 AM

We sit down and do our bills together. Right now, I am on unemployment and he doesn't work. My UC pays our rent, electric, and phone each month. Our other expenses we have to save from our financial aid that we get about every four months. We have to really stretch it to make it last. Because of this, we have one joint checking and savings. We also have single accounts but they don't have any money in them and we don't use them. I have access to his single account.

In December I graduate from school and hope to get a teaching position (HUGE teacher shortage prob here) so we will have to re-vist our strategy. Once we are both gainfully employed, we will probably contribute % live Suze Orman suggests.

Kim&Bob2004 · #18 08-04-2006, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

Now, as a woman - my Mom always told me to have enough money in the bank to live on my own for three months if I had to. I don't think my marriage is going to fail, but in my personal savings account I have almost enough to pay our mortgage, other shared bills and my own bills for 3 months. It's gaining interest and since it's not a necessity at this very moment, I use it as a back-up source if there's something I absolutely need (or that we need.)

This is actually a great idea. Having seen what can happen when one spouse dies, it takes time to recover and life insurance takes time to come in, and if you had to be off work for several weeks, with this cushion, you could concentrate on healing, rather than all the other issues too.

Heather · #19 08-04-2006, 01:01 AM

That's true Kim. It's funny that I didn't even think of that scenerio for Mike and I. Right now I have the last surgery (to remove the hardware) scheduled for a year out. However if something happens in the meantime like it did in April, I could be screwed (no pun intended, lol). I don't have any FMLA time left and I've used the disability pay that I've contributed to in the last six years so that I would rec'v a full paycheck every two weeks. I don't know how it would work at this point. I would definitely get disability pay, but I think it would only be at 80% right now. When I started at this company six years ago, knowing my physical issues, I paid for both short-term and long-term disability b/c you just never know. It's something for me to look into though, so thanks for pointing that out.

imstilldreaming · #20 08-10-2006, 07:31 PM

Hi there,

I'm not married yet but my fiance and I have been living together with a joint checking account for quite some time now. Every month we sit down and make a budget together and throughout the month make sure that we are checking to make sure we are following it. It's working out very well. We do have to make some compromises, but it's worth it. I think it's -VERY- important for you to be involved in financial decisions. If in any way you feel uncomfortable with what he is suggesting, speak up! Especially if gambling is an issue. With a combined account, that will be your money that's going down the tubes too!

justnmary · #21 08-31-2006, 07:51 PM

I'm getting those feelings again.....why am I having such a hard time with this?? He asked me today (since MY checking acct is still open and my deposits are still going in there) what name I sign my checks with...I told him my old name for these reasons....#1 my boss has yet to change my address on my checks since last year and when I have him change my name and address I'll do it all at once...and #2 I still have automatic withdrawls coming out for a hospital bill that I have a payment plan set up on...I don't want to screw that up when there's only a few payments left.

Then he proceeds to tell me that he took all the bills to work this morning to pay them all (that's fine-I'm ok with that) but he took the checkbook yesterday to make deposits for some money we got for our wedding and I looked this morning to see what the balance was and he still had the checkbook. I have literally no F*&*ing clue how much money we have right now and he has our online banking set up and I don't know what the pass codes are to even check.....I never thought to ask for them because I always figured I could just look in the checkbook...

Occassionally we'll be talking or out and about and he'll slip up and say "My checkbook...well you know what I mean...our checkbook". No really I think it's his checkbook and I'm just suppose to give him money every two weeks and not question it. I am seriously stressed!!!! I thought this would happen because I suggested we closed both accounts (his and mine) and open a joint account together and he said, "No, then I'll have to have my direct deposit changed." Uuh......and I don't???? WTF!!!

Ok, I'm just being a cry baby.....I just stress very easily when it come to money and having to "share" an account. I just feel like I am not going to have any sort of say in certain matters and that will cause serious problems in our marriage. I have told him in the past that I will not just stand by while he makes all the decisions...it's a 50/50 partnership and we communicate on all financial matters that could effect us in a negative way but I think now that that might have fallen on deaf ears. Should I keep my account open and just make deposits into the joint, or should I have some faith in my husband and close my acct and deposit my whole paycheck into the joint acct and pray that he knows what he's doing? Am I over reacting? Am I trying to be controlling? I need some outside views on this.

imstilldreaming · #22 08-31-2006, 08:07 PM

Like I posted before, I am not married but I am sharing finances with my FH right now. I think it's really important for you NOT to just deposit your money and hope he knows what he's doing. It's your money too!!! Do you really want bad financial decisions on his part to take away your hard earned money? This is obviously something that is effecting you very strongly and really upsetting you. He needs to listen to that. I would take the first opportunity to sit down with him with no distractions and really lay out your worries. I hope you get it worked out.

imstilldreaming · #23 08-31-2006, 08:09 PM

And I also don't think you are overreacting or being controlling in any way, you have every right to know what's happening to your money.

Marge129 · #24 08-31-2006, 08:18 PM

You need to ask him for access to the online accounts. Is your name on the account? If so, you can call the bank and they'll tell you whatever you want to know.

You're not controlling or overreacting. I think you have every right to be upset.

Yelycrazygirl · #25 08-31-2006, 08:20 PM

First of all I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. I might not be the best person to give some advice, but I’m going to do it anyway. You said that you already told your husband about it. So why don’t you tell him again. I will really suggest that if you don’t feel comfortable with this talk about it because something like this can affect other aspect of your marriage. I think that in a marriage is all about communication so you should be able to talk to your husband about everything and anything, especially about money. Tell him how you feel, don’t argue with him, just inform him of how you are getting stress about that. Let him know that you would like to know the password for the account, so you can go online and check. About the checkbook I won’t completely rely on it because you really don’t know if is been updated all the time. Just tell him that you want to feel part of that and you are feeling left out.

A suggestion about accounts, this is how my FH and I are planning to do it. Keep both accounts and deposit a percentage of your paycheck on the joint account; for example, 60% towards joint account and 40% towards your individual account. That way the joint account will be used for bills, groceries, for everything that involves both of you, meaning dinning out etc… Then your individual accounts can be use to personal things like credit card debt that you had previous marriage, debts like the one you said the hospital, and for personal use, like I went to the store and saw these incredible shoes!!!!! Then, the joint account both of you should know what’s going on with it. Even if he is the one making the payments, you should know with how much money you both count, you should be able to see the statements, etc.

Anyway I feel for you I know that I wouldn’t be able to live without knowing what we have, what have been paid, and so on. Just talk to him, let him know that you need to know. Don’t make him think that you don’t trust him, just tell him that you trust him and you know what he’s doing but that you will feel better if you know where you stand.

Maybe this is not the best of the advices, but at least is something, good luck, hope this gets fix soon….