I quit!!

[justnmary]

I am so ready to throw the towel in on the whole big wedding crap. Sorry- I've got a really crappy attitude with this whole wedding thing today. So last I posted our best man needed back surgery so he backed out...problem solved, someone else was willing to step in, then the same day my nephew who was to stand up with my daughter couldn't do it for school related activities..ok, so I figure she can walk down by herself it'll be fine. I tell her this last night and she's like, " No way, uh uh, ain't happenin'" (mind you this is the child I had problems with going to noah's ark (see my "family day post"!) What the hell!! The wedding is 3 weeks from Saturday and it's falling apart!!!! I could just cry. What do I do? She's really shy in public which is why she's acting like this...Do I force her and take a chance she makes a scene at the church? I've been brainstorming to find someone to take Seans place but I can't come up with anyone! I just want to say "F*&K it" and elope but we'd lose all our deposits, the invites are sent, people are responding (so far we're up to 120 ppl)....i just don't know.....KIDS!!!

[PlanetClaire]

Can she not just sort of sidle up her to spot while everyone else is walking in? If she's shy then it's awful to be thrust in the spotlight.

Or , how many are being walked down the aisle? Can someone do it twice? Walk person A, then walk back and get your daughter?

Darkest before the dawn and all that.... It'll all work out! Keep calm. Breathe. Count to 10......

[mommy03bride]

well i just looked back and saw that u have two daughters, is there a way she can walk down with your other daughter? and if your other daughter has a partner then why not have the partner be in the middle and both girls on the side of him? well thats of course your other daughter is going to be in the wedding and if she old enough. okay im just trying to picture this and i have nothing just assuming of what i think its going to look like.

everything will turn out great, just count backwards from 10.

[justnmary]

my youngest daughter is walking down with her best friend (they're both 8) and I did suggest that my oldest walk down just behind the two of them kind of like an escort but she threw a fit about that too

[mommy03bride]

how old is your oldest? if u dont mind me asking?

[justnmary]

13 and 8- Drama Queen from Hell!!! (but I love her...it's just the whole teenager thing I think, and hormones..I think she's PMSing....it should be over soon).

[Lizbet]

If you can't figure out an escort for her, I would give her the choice of either walking by herself or sitting in the pews. But, let her know that if she doesn't walk down the aisle, she will have a bunch of people coming up to her at the reception asking her why she didn't. So, it might be better to go ahead and do it. However, I'm not a parent, so this advice might not be the best.

Also, keep in mind that the person who walks her down the aisle doesn't have to be part of the wedding party. Perhaps an uncle or other family member can walk her down, then take a pre-dertermined seat in the front of the church?

[mommy03bride]

i know what u mean i have a 12 year old. i cant wait til she starts and gets it over with. lol. u love them but at the same time u just want to lock them in a closet (okay girls dont think i would really do that)

well i wish u lots of luck on that one. i really dont have any other advice but i know it will all turn out okay.

oh hey maybe u could just sit her down and tell her that if she dont want to walk down without causing a sence then she dont have to be in it. and just pray it works and she says okay mom i will do it. try the crying thing maybe that might even work.

[Sh@ks18]

Originally Posted by mommy03bride

try the crying thing maybe that might even work.

good suggestion

[labeadel]

Okay, I'm not a mom (yet) but I would suggest giving her options. Basically what the other girls have said. Here are your options:

1. Walk by yourself and be part of the special day.

2. Walk with a family member (of your choosing of course) or her sister and friend.

3. Don't be involved at all and be a crybaby.

Hopefully she'll choose 1 or 2.

[555Ann555]

I think you have to give her the options then leave her to it.

I can totally understand why you want her to walk down the ailse, but it has to be her decision. There is no rule saying that she must be in the wedding party, it's her right to choose not to do it. Having said that, I can understand what it would mean to you to have her refuse to be involved.

Perhaps you could try explaining why you'd like her to be involved (ie. it's not about showing her up, or showing her off in pulic. It's about having respect for her as a member of the new family you're creating & showing your guests that everyone in the family supports this marriage) But you need to give her the space to make the right choice.

Having been a wee devil of a teen myself I'll offer a

[feb-bride]

I second Ann's response. I would not force her; it has to be her decision. I would not try to guilt her into it, though, because that's not fair to her.

[mommy03bride]

i c ann's and feb's point but at the same time she only 13. if u leave it all up to her i think later she going to regret it so i think u should really tell her how u feel and how important it is to u to have her there in the wedding. as a mother i would be hurt if one of my daughters said that they didnt want to be in my wedding. maybe its selfish of me but im sorry i would try the guilt thing if telling her how u feel doesnt change her mind.

[Kim&Bob2004]

Is there a way both girls could walk by themselves. Maybe almost like little fairies, not really in some "order" but well, do you know what I mean. We had two FG's and while we started them right after the BM's and right before the MOH (one of the FG's mothers was a BM) the FG's ended up skipping a head and kind of floating here and there taking the hands of the BM's. Some might have considered this a disaster, I thought it was adorable. Granted they were 4, but maybe something more dignified could be done but still not to formal....................

Otherwise I think older darling daughter is just going through an awkward period.

[kenzies_mama]

I agree with Ann and Feb. This seems to me to be a power struggle between you and your daughter. She may feel you keep making her do things she doesn't want to do and since she's a teenager she thinks she should have a say in what she wants to do. If you give her the choice she may choose to do it and she may not, but if you make her it's just gonna turn out really bad.

When I was her age I had some major problems(I was shy and in a very awkward stage, my yearbook pic is very ronald mcdonald like), there were days I just didn't want to do things and when my mom tried to force me to do them it just made me not want to that much more.

I do think you should explain why you want her to be in the wedding, it's not guilting her, just giving her your point of view, it just may be enough to turn her around. I wouldn't cry or yell or get visibly upset because it may have the opposite effect of what your going for here.

[feb-bride]

Originally Posted by mommy03bride

i c ann's and feb's point but at the same time she only 13. if u leave it all up to her i think later she going to regret it so i think u should really tell her how u feel and how important it is to u to have her there in the wedding. as a mother i would be hurt if one of my daughters said that they didnt want to be in my wedding. maybe its selfish of me but im sorry i would try the guilt thing if telling her how u feel doesnt change her mind.

Speaking as a daugher of a mom who is good at the guilt thing, I would NOT recommend guilting your daughter into this. All that's going to do is cause a deterioration in the relationship you have with your daughter, and is it really worth having her walk down the aisle if it's going to wreck the relationship you have with her?

[Kim&Bob2004]

You could also get Leonardo Di Capero (sp) --or whomever the teenage girls adore today-- to walk with her down the aisle.

Did that make you smile?

[justnmary]

I'm not sure where the "guilt trip" idea came from, but I'm not the type of person to stoop that low so we'll nix that idea right now. I had a mom that would bribe me to do things and re-nig on those bribes and it hurt...bad. Don't get me wrong, mom had nothing but good intentions but it hurt none the less....well, I think I'll just let her decide for herself. I'm not going to make her do something just to make myself happy and cause her stress, she's got a lot going on with getting a new step-dad, and living in two different households, her life isn't any easier then anyone else's. I guess I just have to wing it and if she doesn't want to we'll just leave it at that. Cut my losses and be done with it. I still have a Matron of Honor that hasn't even picked her and her daughters dress up yet from DB!!! Which both need alterations! But she tells me that she'll be there (at the wedding) with "BELLS ON!!" So yea, stress is taking over my attitude and I really want to scream in someones face....but I will handle it with grace and dignity and (go psyco on my MOH after the wedding).....lol anyway, thanks all for your in put, keep it coming.

[Julz518]

ok, I don't have kids, and don't know much about them... but I WAS your daughter when I was 13ish.

I think you should make her... not guilt her, MAKE HER. If you give her options and she is a baby about it and decides not to be in the wedding at all, both of you will regret it (which may cause more problems because she'll blame you). If it wasn't your wedding then i would say give her a choice, but she might not realize how important this is to her until she sees the rest of her family up there and feels left out (and then she'll sulk even more). You can still give her choices, but they should all involve being IN the wedding.

Granted I don't know details of your relationship or her maturity level - it would obviously be best if you could sit her down and explain all this so she would WANT to be in the wedding, whether she walks by herself or with someone. But in my experience, one of the best things my parents ever did for me was to force me to do stuff I didn't want to do, and as a result I am a very well-adjusted adult :-)

Good Luck!

[Marge129]

Originally Posted by Julz518

okI think you should make her... not guilt her, MAKE HER. If you give her options and she is a baby about it and decides not to be in the wedding at all, both of you will regret it (which may cause more problems because she'll blame you). If it wasn't your wedding then i would say give her a choice, but she might not realize how important this is to her until she sees the rest of her family up there and feels left out (and then she'll sulk even more). You can still give her choices, but they should all involve being IN the wedding.

Ditto (good answer, sis).

We gave JJ the option of being there when we got married or not. He chose to NOT be. The day AFTER Jerry and I got married, he called Jerry crying because we got married without him there. Save the drama. She needs to be in your wedding... not being in it isn't an option.

[Kim&Bob2004]

Originally Posted by Marge129

Ditto (good answer, sis).

We gave JJ the option of being there when we got married or not. He chose to NOT be. The day AFTER Jerry and I got married, he called Jerry crying because we got married without him there. Save the drama. She needs to be in your wedding... not being in it isn't an option.

A big part of me agrees with the two sisters and mommy03.

[feb-bride]

Originally Posted by justnmary

I'm not sure where the "guilt trip" idea came from, but I'm not the type of person to stoop that low so we'll nix that idea right now. I had a mom that would bribe me to do things and re-nig on those bribes and it hurt...bad. Don't get me wrong, mom had nothing but good intentions but it hurt none the less....well, I think I'll just let her decide for herself. I'm not going to make her do something just to make myself happy and cause her stress, she's got a lot going on with getting a new step-dad, and living in two different households, her life isn't any easier then anyone else's. I guess I just have to wing it and if she doesn't want to we'll just leave it at that. Cut my losses and be done with it. I still have a Matron of Honor that hasn't even picked her and her daughters dress up yet from DB!!! Which both need alterations! But she tells me that she'll be there (at the wedding) with "BELLS ON!!" So yea, stress is taking over my attitude and I really want to scream in someones face....but I will handle it with grace and dignity and (go psyco on my MOH after the wedding).....lol anyway, thanks all for your in put, keep it coming.

No - You did not say anything about giving a guilt trip. Others on this thread have suggested that you give her a guilt trip or start crying to guilt her into it. THAT is what I'm referring to.

[mommy03bride]

first off let me clear something up. the crying for guilt thing i was kidding about at first. gosh this girl is 13 years old. at 13 can u really say your decisions were the right ones??? i agree with ann and feb on talking to her and letting her know how u feel about this but i disagree on letting her make her own decisions. it completely up to u but i know my oldest is only 12 and she cant always make the right decisions. when my oldest found out i was pregnant a while ago she said NOOOOOO cause she always had a thought that me and her dad might get back together. no matter how many times we talked about that never happening. now she loves having a little sister and a future step dad. my point is even if they seem like they have all the right answers later on she is going to regret it if she chooses not to be in this wedding. me as a mother of 3 daughters and two of them not by my fh i would be completely hurt if they choose not too. anyhow talk to her and let her know how u feel. me honestly i would probably cry not to GUILT them into doing something but just cause it has to hurt to think they might not want to be apart of my special day which is actully there special day too.

[Kim&Bob2004]

Originally Posted by mommy03bride

first off let me clear something up. the crying for guilt thing i was kidding about at first. gosh this girl is 13 years old. at 13 can u really say your decisions were the right ones??? i agree with ann and feb on talking to her and letting her know how u feel about this but i disagree on letting her make her own decisions. it completely up to u but i know my oldest is only 12 and she cant always make the right decisions. when my oldest found out i was pregnant a while ago she said NOOOOOO cause she always had a thought that me and her dad might get back together. no matter how many times we talked about that never happening. now she loves having a little sister and a future step dad. my point is even if they seem like they have all the right answers later on she is going to regret it if she chooses not to be in this wedding. me as a mother of 3 daughters and two of them not by my fh i would be completely hurt if they choose not too. anyhow talk to her and let her know how u feel. me honestly i would probably cry not to GUILT them into doing something but just cause it has to hurt to think they might not want to be apart of my special day which is actully there special day too.

I never got the idea you were for trying to place a guilt trip on child to get your way, maybe it could have been put better BUT what you were meaning was easy to see, for me, from the other things you said. Personally, the more I think about it, the more I agree with you and Margie and Julz. At 13 you may be acting more on being 13 then on what your feelings really are. Does that make sense, but then I don't go for the type of parenting where your child rules the roost. You are a parent to teach and guide. Didn't we all have to do things that we didn't want to do but had to and now aren't we happier and better people for doing those things? Is that really a guilt trip? Hmmm????? Don't we even do somethings today because we have to not because we want to? If you don't then you might be classified, and rightly so, as a selfish person, and I feel sorry for the person you have or will marry.

[mommy03bride]

thanks kim, maybe i could had wording it diffently but when i look back at it, i no i was joking. well maybe some people dont have a sense of humor like me hey maybe they thought i was also serious about locking my kids in a closet oh well at least some people got what i was saying well i know not everyone agrees with everyone else thats why there called opinions!