Struggling with MOH!!!

[DavidsWife]

Hey Ladies,

Thanks for taking the time to read my post...

As most of you know David and I are a newly engaged couple!!!

I have really been thinking about it, and because we have not yet finalized a date, I have decided who I want in my wedding party...BUT...Not tell the girls who it is yet, because you NEVER know what could happen in a years time...

Here is my delema...

The two women I want in my party are Davids Sister Alyssa and my best buddy amber from my childhood. There's a problem....

They are both leaving the country for the next year (While Iam planning our big day)

Alyssa is going to Switzerland September 18, 2006. She is scheduled to come back April 3oth but if she really enjoys herself, there is a chance that she will choose to stay! Right now she is telling me she will come back in April regardless until the wedding is over, and if she decides to go back she will go after the wedding. I cannot ask Alyssa to commit to comming back, and I wouldn't! What do I do??? Do I call her in Dec and see what she thinks will happen in April???

Now for Amber, She leaves for Australia in acouple of weeks for a WHOLE YEAR!!!! Aren't these girls supposed to be helping me with the planning of the wedding??? Amber says she will help me book and look at flowers and all those things over the internet we'll talk on the phone and e-mail pictures....I just don't know!!!

ALSO... What about BM dresses??? How will they try them on and have them fitted???

Iam so stuck!!! Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do I call of the people I want more than anything to be in my wedding??? Or do I see how things go, and if for some reason they are unable to do it...Find someone else in a hurry...Possibly someone I am not as close with????


Jayme

[feb-bride]

This is just MY opinion: You don't ask people to be in your wedding party because you want them to help plan your wedding. You ask people to be in your wedding party because you are close with them and you want them to stand up for you on one of the most special days of your life.

If you want these women in your wedding party, then ask them to be in your wedding party, even if they won't be around to help you plan anything. I had an MOH and two bridesmaids. One of the bridesmaids helped me with practically everything, but that's because she loves weddings, not because I expected her to help. My MOH (one of my sisters) helped out a little bit, but I knew going into the whole thing that she wasn't into weddings. My other bridesmaid (a cousin) helped with the shower but nothing else, and that was 100% fine with me.

[Heather]

I agree with Feb. Ask these women because you are close with them and want them there on your special day. The only people "obligated" to plan your wedding is you and your fiance. I totally understand what you mean though about wanting help with some things, and wanting them to be there with you. But you always have the phone and e-mail, etc. I would ask them to be in the wedding, and then give them a month or two to let you know if they can definitely be there on that day. If so - you're good to go. If not, hopefully they will be able to tell you that so that you can ask someone else if you want to.

As for the dresses, you can still pick them out and let the girls know. They should be able to see the price first anyway, just to be sure they can afford it. If they're out of town, it will be their responsibility to get their measurements in to the correct stores and that's not an unusual circumstance.

Good luck!

[Julz518]

I agree with Feb. If these girls are important to you, then they should be in your wedding even if they won't be around to help you plan. It would be unreasonable for you to pressure them into changing their plans to satisfy your needs. While they might not be able to scout out receptions halls or taste cakes with you, they will still be able to review pictures and give you their opinions over the internet. They may even be able to call around to help you compare prices for DJs, etc. (though it would be polite of your to purchase them an international calling card if you ask them to do this).

If you feel that you will need a lot of help planning the wedding, is there another friend you could ask to "stand-in" as your wedding planner? Someone you know who is REALLY in to weddings, but who is not close enough to you to be a bridesmaid? I know when I announced my engagement, a lot of my FH's friend's wives starting chiming in with advice, resources, and offering to help plan - and I've only met some of them once or twice, so of course they wouldn't expect to be IN the wedding.

Is your mother or an aunt around to help plan? Or your FH's mother or aunt?

Good Luck!

[maroki13]

I completely understand where you are coming from. While I've been planning my wedding, my MOH has lived halfway across the country with my two bridesmaids living even further away, and my mother living overseas. My bridal party are all people that are very special to me, and I've sent them a ton of email ideas or talked on the phone with them about wedding ideas. I've also taken FH along to things I might have taken a BM along to....cake tasting, reception sites, etc. He liked going and I really enjoyed spending that time, planning our wedding with him, that I don't know I would have had if my bridal party was in town.

[Lizbet]

These ladies have given some great advice. I don't really have anything to add.

[AshyBekka]

I agree-don't ask them to be in it to help plan. If they're important to you, and obviously they are because you want them in your wedding, then everyone will work hard to make it work-I'm sure they'll both keep that date in mind when making their travel plans. Aside from attending my bachelorette party and making it to showers when they can, my bridesmaids haven't lifted a finger, and I haven't really asked them to. They're going to end up not only spending money to be in my wedding, but also standing up for me on my wedding day-and that's all I want them to do!

As for getting them fitted for dresses, once I picked out the BM dresses, I sent them all a link to check it out (I wanted to know before a final decision if anyone hated them), and then they all went to dress shops in their own towns to get measured. Even travelling out of the country, I'm sure they can find someone to measure them, or they can buy a tape measure and do it themselves, and then deal with alterations later. It's really not a big deal!

I guess my bottom line is if they're important to you, don't base their participation in your wedding on their travels in the time leading up to it-my BM's are all over the country, and so far so good-everything will be fine!

[DavidsWife]

Thank you for all the awesome advice!!!! I really appreciate it...

I hope I did not give the wrong impression! Iam deffinatley not asking these ladies to be in mt wedding party because I want there help, That is the furthest thing from my mind! I want them there because I love them both very much and cherich our friendships! I want them to know that!

I guess I wanted to say more along the lines of...I want to take them out for lunch and then be able to hang out for the day! It just be the three of us! They mean alot to me, and I want them to be able to experience it with me!!!

I hope I didn't come across as wanting them there for only the help! That was not my intention!!

They are both VERY important to me, and I will make it work!

Also, I would NEVER ask them to sacrifice there plans and future for the sake of my wedding!

It's going to work out!!!


One more question...

Does anyone have any neat ideas as to how I can ask these ladies to be in my wedding party???I want to do this before they both leave!!!!

Thanks again!

Jayme

[TheaterDiva1]

I understand what you're saying about not wanting Alyssa to commit to coming back for the wedding, but I would mention to both girls anyway that you want them to be BM's, but you understand if they can't do certain things because of distance (and planning your wedding is not a typical BM responsibility). Let them decide for themselves if they can make it back. You'll want to give them plenty of time to make travel arrangements, and I know I'd be pissed if I was passed over as a BM just because the bride thought I lived too far away to do anything. Whether that's true or not, I'd still like to at least be asked.

As for dresses, if you e-mail pictures of the dressesand people agree on one, once they have the maker, color and style #, they can each order locally, or you can do what I did (order everyone's dresses by me, including MOH who lives on the opposite coast, and sent her dress directly to her myself and let her take care of her own alterations).

[TheaterDiva1]

Originally Posted by DavidsFiance

Does anyone have any neat ideas as to how I can ask these ladies to be in my wedding party???I want to do this before they both leave!!!!

Sorry - we must have posted at the same time! In any event, I like the idea of taking them out to lunch, then asking them both at that point.

[feb-bride]

The way I asked my best friend was to take her to one of those free bridal fairs at the mall. We had plans to go out to lunch (she didn't even know I was engaged yet; she just knew that I had something "important" to tell her). She picked me up at my house. I put my engagement ring in my pocket because I knew she'd look at my finger (which she did because I caught her). I told her that I needed to stop by the mall first to pick up something. We got to the mall, and while we were walking in from the parking lot, I put my hand in my pocket and worked the ring back on my finger. When we got in the mall, she commented on the fact that a bridal fair was in progress. I said, "I know" and pulled my hand out of my pocket to show her the ring. That's when I asked her to be in my wedding.

[michaelsbride]

I sent my MOH and my BM a book called "101 things to do with a bridesmaid dress" which was pretty funny and a little bridezilla voodoo doll that came in a fun package and had an instruction book with it.

[Julz518]

Originally Posted by michaelsbride

I sent my MOH and my BM a book called "101 things to do with a bridesmaid dress" which was pretty funny and a little bridezilla voodoo doll that came in a fun package and had an instruction book with it.

Ooo... I like that idea.

I was thinking of sending my future BM's (who I haven't asked yet, but who know they wil be my BM's) a frame/photo album with a photo of the two of us with a poem or something asking them... or a personalized "BM survival kit" of some sort :-)

Does anyone know if guys do this too? ... I think it's time to start a new thread...

[Heather]

My friend asked me to be her MOH by giving me a handmade card with the following poem inside:

You welcomed me with open arms
When I was strange and new.
A smile so warm and so sincere,
Caring, trusting and true.

A friendship would blossom
With each passing day.
Growing stronger and brighter
In many a way.

Engaged am I now
To be married at last.
And for you, Heather, I have
A special question to ask.

When Fall 2006 is here
And I will be a blushing bride.
Would you do me the great honor
Of being on my side?

ETA: She did the same for the BMs, just put "As being a maid on my side?" Or maybe she wrote Bridesmaid, can't remember...

[DavidsWife]

That is the sweetest thing ever!!!! Here Iam trying not to cry!!!! Thank-you guys so much for your ideas!!!! What would I do without you guys!!!??? Thanks

[AngelRoseFyre]

I can't help too much with the asking to be a bridesmaid question. I just flat out asked mine. My MOH I pretty much told her, ok I'm getting married your the MOH (she did the same thing to me when she got married so it was kinda a joke). One who lives out of town, I called and asked her, I asked my FH sister at our easter gathering if she would be a bridesmaid and her daughter would be a FG, and I asked my brothers fiance when we were taking my son for a ride on his bike. They all said yes, but it was nothing out of the ordinary.

As for the bridesmaids being far away. All of mine are too, I know just how you feel. My MOH lives in NE, my brother (best man) and his fiance (BM) live in TN, another bridesmaid lives in CO, and my FH sister lives here but she is 7 months pregnant and has a 5 year old, so i don't ask to much of her right now. Fortunatly one of my other best friends is a JP, and is officiating over our wedding, and she acts as a bridesmaid and helps me out alot. Shes' a lifesaver at times. Other than that I do alot of planning with FH and my mom.

Sorry I couldn't be more help

[RACS218]

I am glad you were able to find all the answers you need. Have fun!!


Beverly Spencer
http://bridesmaidtailor.com/
http://bridesmaidtailor.com/gallery.htm

[DavidsWife]

Originally Posted by RACS218

I am glad you were able to find all the answers you need. Have fun!!


Beverly Spencer
http://bridesmaidtailor.com/
http://bridesmaidtailor.com/gallery.htm

Thanks, and welcome to PASH!!!!