EEK! I got my friend in trouble w/her FMIL - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

highfidelity · #1 07-12-2006, 06:21 PM

I am the MOH in my friend's wedding. She comes from a large, untraditional family, so I decided to have a wacky, untraditional shower, complete with fire eaters and jugglers-a real circus. Following that theme, I also decided to invite quite a few family friends and extended relatives-altogether, there were close to 100 people there. Now some of these folks weren't coming to the wedding-they either couldn't make it or had other plans-but since they were close to the bride i wanted to have them there-they were told they didn't have to bring gifts. Trust me, I knew it was a breach of etiquette, but like I said, it was an untraditional shower. I just wanted there for my friend-there were people there who she hadn't seen in ages. Anyway, everyone had a grand time, except for FMIL. Apparently, she bitched out my friend because she wasn't seated at the honor table-meaning she wasn't seated with the bride to be, her mom and sisters. 1stly, I had no idea there was an honor table at a bridal shower. I seated FMIL with her family at another table with her daughter and her sisters. It wasn't like the table was all the way in the back-it was a row back and over from my friend and her family. FMIL also implied she should have been consulted re the shower, but that isn't traditional, is it? I mean, you don't kowtow to the FMIL for the bridal shower, do you? I didn't even consult my best friend's mom on the shower and she is like my second mom-I have known her since I was in diapers. She had a great time, so I don't know why FMIL is so pissy about it.

Sh@ks18 · #2 07-12-2006, 06:43 PM

I can understand why FMIL would be upset, she probably felt left out, but then again, i dont think she has a right to say anything because YOU were the one hosting it so you get to do it your way. Thats just my opinion

wynelle · #3 07-12-2006, 06:49 PM

Would her FMIL ask *your* opinion if she were hosting the shower??? I don't think so...

Did you have assigned seating or did it just end up the way it was? If assigned seating, I think the two mothers, the bride and the hostess/es of the party would have been at one table, and the aunts, sisters, etc at another table...but with 100 people... it only matters to the really picky.

Sounds like a really fun shower!!

highfidelity · #4 07-12-2006, 07:13 PM

Assigned seating. My friend and her FMIL don't exactly see eye to eye, to put it mildly.

kenzies_mama · #5 07-12-2006, 07:44 PM

No offense to our MIL's out there but sometime you just can't please em. And since you didn't even consult her mother I'm not sure why her MIL is so ticked off.
If you and the bride want to try to appease her FMIL you could apologize saying you weren't aware of the etiquette concerning a head table and simply sat her with those who's company you'd thought she enjoy. I don't think there much else you can do.

tryingtobegoodfmil · #6 07-12-2006, 07:54 PM

This is a matter of importance-of who is considered important and who isn't. And in this case the FMIL didn't feel as important as your friend and more importantly her friend's mom, the Mother of the Bride. And I don't think the FMIL is entirely in the wrong here. You said she was seated a few rows behind the bride's family. That says quite a bit. Subconsciously, you are telling this woman and her family that they are not as important as the bride and hers. I don't think the FMIL had to be consulted, but I got the impression that the FMIL's family is not as wacky as your friend's. If that is the case, you should have alerted her that this was not your average shower, that way, she would not have been as surprised or caught off guard. Also, you had almost 100 people there? That is a lot of people for a bridal shower and I am willing to bet FMIL and her family didn't know those people and maybe were uncomfortable. FMIL may have felt like just another face in the crowd-was she introduced around at all, was she acknowledged formally or was she left to fend for herself? She might have expected to have more face time with the bride to be and not felt like she was herded around like cattle.

Lastly, since the FMIL and bride don't get on, this won't improve matters. For that reason, the bride maybe should have spent some time with the FMIL at the shower. She also should have maybe had you make sure that FMIL was made to feel special.

Heather · #7 07-12-2006, 09:35 PM

This is a tough one and I can see both sides.

I'm the MOH and the shower I'm planning is on the 22nd of this month. I haven't talked with the Bride's FMIL at all but I do talk often with the MOB at the request of the Bride. I didn't consult either one on the planning of the shower, and the things I talk to the MOB about are related only to the Bride - her dress, gift ideas, etc. nothing to do with the Groom actually. The difference here is that the MOB is out of state and wants to be informed since she can't be here in person.

I don't think you need to have consulted with the FMIL at all, but as tryingto be said, it may have been nice had she been given some place of honor. A 100 people is a crazy number of people for a shower so I'm sure she would have liked to bask in that for a bit. Even though the Bride is your good friend and you think of the MOB as a second Mom, I still think that as the MOH you should be diplomatic and not "take sides". Part of the job is to be sure things run smoothly on all fronts and sometimes that means catering to the in-laws.

At the shower I plan to give flowers to the MOB and the FMIL, not sure if it will be a bouquet or a corsage, but I want each of them to have something nice.

justnmary · #8 07-12-2006, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

This is a tough one and I can see both sides.

That's why I wasn't touching it!!!! lol

Kim&Bob2004 · #9 07-13-2006, 12:00 AM

I don't think you had to consult the FMIL but I do think her "status" as THE FMIL should have been noted somehow, and the easiest way would have been to sit her with the Bride. I know you say she and FMIL don't get along, but she can't avoid her for the next 50 years either. The bride should maybe send a note saying how wonderful it was that she could be there and as for you, maybe just a note saying how wonderful it was to meet her at long last, but explain how you were overwhelmed with everything and are sorry if she felt slighted. Word it differently of course...... and this is just my gut reaction. It may be wrong....... I don't think my MOH consulted my mom and rarely consulted me on my shower except to ask what days would work best....... The FMIL shouldn't feel as put out as she sounds like she is (it was an honest mistake right?), but some people are thin skinned...........

BTW WELCOME TO PASH!

staylor · #10 07-20-2006, 03:43 PM

I don't think it was right for the FMIL to be so angry about the seating, my impression of weddings is a time of happiness, not a time to figure out who is better and who sits wtih who.

whiddle · #11 07-21-2006, 01:05 AM

Welcome to Pash! I don't think that you should have consulted FMIL. I didn't even know there was an honor table at showers. Unfortunately, at weddings everyone reads a lot into nothing. You have to be real cautious with these things. What you think is nothing, someone else will probably have a hairy canary over!

Heather · #12 07-21-2006, 01:35 AM

Well said Whiddle!

Robyn Lynn · #13 07-21-2006, 04:27 AM

I'm just catching up on posts now so I am a little late here, but.......

1. We had an honor table, apparently, at my shower. My aunt threw it and set it up for me, FMIL and FSIL(MOH). I would rather have sat with my aunt and cousins, but I didn't question it. However, the FMIL and FSIL were late so for about 20 minutes I was sitting by myself!!. At most showers I have been to there was not a table as we just sat around people's homes, but this was at a restaurant. The last one I attended at a restaurant was years ago and I don't remeber who sat up front, besides the brides.
I can understand why your friend's FMIL was not happy she wasn't seated there as the MOB and sisters were, but it really wasn't for her to say and she should not have chewed out your friend as she didn't do the seating!!

2. The shower sounded just awesome!!! Fire eaters and jugglers? Very cool.

3. Whiddle, hairy canary?

That's funny. I like that.

4. Welcome to Pash!!!!!!

feb-bride · #14 07-21-2006, 03:54 PM

At my "main" bridal shower, there were tables (it was held in my mom's neighborhood clubhouse). There weren't any assigned tables, though. I just sat wherever I wanted, and so did everyone else. I wasn't even sitting by my OWN mother. No one seemed to care.

Why do some women get their knickers in a knot over things that really don't matter?