What to do about a former bridesmaid??? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

AngelRoseFyre · #1 07-10-2006, 04:08 AM

AHHHH!!!! More drama in my wedding, if I didn't love my FH so much, I'd cancel the whole thing! I don't know how much you guys can help me with this one, but you all have given me help and support in the past, so here is a go.

I guess I have to start at the beginning. One of my best friends, who both my FH and I have been good friends with since High School, got married 3 months ago, I was her BM. I really did everything I could to make her day special for her, but she was, not to sound insulting, a bride from H**ll. We live in different states, I was her only bridesmaid, and she expected me to do the work of her MOH (she thought it would be too much to ask of there sister, the actual MOH). We live in different states, and she would expect me to drop everything, including, work, my son, and at one point a court hearing I had to go to for child support, and so there were times I was unable to make it to her when she wanted me too. There were some other issues involved, but I really don't want to go into EVERYTHING. As much as I did for her at the actual wedding she gave me no credit, and in fact credited her SISTER for doing the work, and being such a great MOH.

Well beck to my wedding, about 8 months ago, when I got engaged, I asked her to be one of my bridesmaids, and she agreed. Well about 3 weeks ago she wrote me a nasty e-mail telling me what a poor job I did as her bridesmaid, and how if I can't meet her expectations as a bridesmaid, then she can not be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Ian read it and called her up and kinda blew up at her, and told her if she was going to behave like that, she wasn't invited to our wedding at all. After some time of thinking about it, I decided, that although it is probably better she is not in the wedding party, I would still like to be friends with her, and have her come to the wedding, if she would like to. I tried to call her, but she won't pick up her phone, I tried e-mailing her, but she won't reply. I don't know if I should just call it a draw and give up on the friendship, or if I should keep trying to reconnect with her. I am also unsure as to if I should send her an invitation to the wedding or any wedding related events? Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks!!!

ljeagle · #2 07-10-2006, 04:38 AM

It has to be hard for you. This is just what I would do. You have tried to connect with her let her make the next step.

fallbride · #3 07-10-2006, 04:52 AM

I would invite her to the wedding, and see if she comes. Have to left a message saying you are sorry?

Lizbet · #4 07-10-2006, 02:39 PM

I agree, either leave her a message or send her an e-mail saying that you apologize for the things you said in the heat of the moment. (If you haven't already.) And, tell her what you told us. You understand that she does not want to participate in the wedding party, but as a long-time friend, you would like it if she still attends the wedding and shower. And, that you would like to work on making the friendship into what it once was.

If she comes to the wedding, consider it a sign that she agrees with working on the friendship. But, if she doesn't respond, or responds poorly, I would let the friendship go. It will then be up to her to take steps to renew it in the future, if she wants.

My

.

Heather · #5 07-10-2006, 03:01 PM

I'm of a different train of thought on this one. I don't think you (or Ian) need to apologize to anyone for what was said on the phone.

I would send her a letter (via snail mail) and tell her that you did all you could for her during her engagement and wedding, considering your location and circumstances. Tell her you're sorry that she doesn't see it that way, but it's the truth. Tell her you would love for her to at least attend the wedding considering you've been friends for so long, but you'll understand if she doesn't.

Then the ball is in her court. If the friendship is worth saving, she'll come around. If she doesn't, then you're better off just letting it go.

You would think Bridezillas realize what tools they've been but unfortunately some don't. It's always about "ME" when it comes to them. Sometimes you don't get someone's true personality until they go through this.

DragonYoga · #6 07-10-2006, 03:36 PM

I'd read this earlier but wanted to wait til a few more posted on this. IMO, I'm with Heather on this one. I'm not the type to apologize when I feel I've been wronged without reason. She had no right to say those things to you, especially in light of how you worked your @$$ off for her and her wedding for nothing. Write a letter, like Heather said, and it'll be her serve. If she wants to save this, she'll bounce the ball back into your court. If not...

Bridezillas suck to the point I feel bad for their poor FHs, but they're useful - you see the REAL them, unmasked.

Lizbet · #7 07-10-2006, 04:04 PM

I wasn't saying she should take all the blame, just that she should apologize for the one statement she admits she's sorry for saying, "Don't come to the wedding". (I definitely don't think Angel is responsible for the majority of the animosity, or that she should just forget about her feelings of being wronged.)

It will be up to the friend to decide if she wants to take the second small step and come to the wedding, or if she has already given up on the friendship. The actual discussion of "right" and "wrong" actions on both parties' parts wouldn't actually happen until after the event, when everyone has had a chance to cool down and can talk calmly about the situation.

feb-bride · #8 07-10-2006, 04:22 PM

I don't see anything that you need to apologize for. You cannot apologize for what your FH said because he said those things - not you.

You have tried calling, e-mailing, etc. Now, the next move is hers.

One question - If she was so horrible during her wedding, why would you even WANT to maintain the friendship?

mommy03bride · #9 07-10-2006, 04:36 PM

well im with the other girls on this one. i wouldnt say im sorry cause you didnt do anything wrong. send her a letter with the invite and just tell her that u did everything u could for her and if she feels differently then she is entitled to her opinion, but she is welcome to come to the wedding if she chooses too. and if she comes then u know she is a real friend. i no its hard to want to reconnected with friends but at the same time if they dont want to meet u have ways then there is nothing u can do about it.

555Ann555 · #10 07-10-2006, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

One question - If she was so horrible during her wedding, why would you even WANT to maintain the friendship?

Well said Feb

That is exactly what I was going to ask.

Has she often been like this in the course of your friendship? Is there a reason why you would want a second helping?

If it is just for nostalga, or "old times sake" then you may well be better off letting this go.

AngelRoseFyre · #11 07-11-2006, 03:49 PM

I guess it is kinda for old times sake. She tends to be very selfish (and for some reason always jealous of me), i.e. when my fiancé and I got engaged she flew off the wall because she dated him once in high school and told me I was imposing on her property, she was the only one amongst our friends who ever had him, and it needed to stay that way. This was 3 moths before her wedding, and she had been engaged for 9 moths already. It was also 8 years after they dated.

At another point in her wedding "my" future mother-in-law couldn't make it to her bridal shower and she told her "Oh, that's ok just send a gift between 50 and 100 dollars with Rachel (Me)" My poor mother-in-law was mortified, and I was shocked. I have NEVER heard of that. She also did the same thing to some guy friends of mine when they couldn't make it to her then-fiancé’s "grooms bath", the male version of the bridal shower, she invented, admittedly to get some more gifts, because it was fun. When our guy friends, who don't really know the groom and live in another state, turned her offer down, she again told them to send gifts with the same price tags as above. She would also get upset with us if we didn't comply with her "needs".

OK now that I am reading this I am wondering why I want to salvage the friendship (most of our friends have let her go, including my FH). She wasn't much better before her engagement either, it was always “Me Me Me” in other ways, although there were no price tags on her friendship then
.

555Ann555 · #12 07-11-2006, 04:00 PM

Nice friend.

Still want her back???

AngelRoseFyre · #13 07-11-2006, 04:05 PM

EWW I just read that sorry about the rant. I do that sometimes if it gets bad, just tell me and i'll chill.

555Ann555 · #14 07-11-2006, 04:10 PM

You don't have to apologize for ranting on here

We all do it!

And it sounds very much like that rant was long overdue... It also sounds like you'd be a whole lot better off without her

AngelRoseFyre · #15 07-11-2006, 04:16 PM

Well after reading what I wrote I'm starting to think I may not want her as a friend that much after all, funny how you have to see it in my own words for it to sink in. Thanks for the support!!! I am Still in shock of how I didn't really see it before I must be going nutz!!!

555Ann555 · #16 07-11-2006, 04:31 PM

Glutton for punnishment as my mum would've said

I think we can all be guilty of that though. You have all these nice memories in your head of the good times, all the laughs you've had together. And it can be really hard to weight up your friendship & see the other person as they truely are now. Trying to decide if it is still worth the cost

ladedah · #17 07-11-2006, 06:18 PM

All I can say is you have to do what you feel is best for you. I had two bridesmaids drop from my wedding because of when I wanted to order the bridesmaid dresses (thay they picked out no less) because they thought that it was unneccessary for them to be here more than two weeks before...umm, hello...anyone heard of alterations? Anyways, they sent me a resignation letter to my office via certified mail. I accepted their resignations, they received no response from me, and I haven't been happier. I did not realize how much drama they brought into my life until they were gone.

Good Luck with whatever you decide and remember that everyone should have friends that treat you as you would them.

Heather · #18 07-11-2006, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladedah

Anyways, they sent me a resignation letter to my office via certified mail.

Are you serious? They actually sent a resignation letter via certified mail? How insulting! You're definitely much better of Amy.

Complicated Woman · #19 07-11-2006, 09:23 PM

They sent letters of resignation? Via certified mail? To your OFFICE?

Someone needs to hit those girls upside the head.

ladedah · #20 07-11-2006, 10:09 PM

Umm yeah!! Seriously I work in an office of 10...we all got a good laugh that day. The funny thing is, my DH is always joking that we need to put the letters in our wedding scrapbook.

........

I think the thing that I find really amusing is that I know they were just trying to be dramatic and I think wanted to get some kind of reaction out of me, which is exactly what I think is happening with AngelRose...she says "yes, I'll be a bridesmaid", and now it's like "you're not worthy of having as a bridesmaid"..

Whatever....CIAO!!

ladedah · #21 07-11-2006, 10:11 PM

Oh yeah, they even printed them on really nice (expensive) watermarked business paper!!!

Heather · #22 07-11-2006, 10:13 PM

OMG. You know Amy, I've always known you are a big sweetheart, much nicer than I.

I would have written each of them my own certified letter right back that said F**K YOU BIOTCH!

Excuse my language.

Complicated Woman · #23 07-11-2006, 10:13 PM

Did they get them notarized? If they weren't notarized, they were technically still obligated, you know!

555Ann555 · #24 07-11-2006, 10:15 PM

What a pair of drama queens! It's completely shocking that they'd do such a thing

But like you said, sounds like they did you a favour.

ladedah · #25 07-11-2006, 10:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

Did they get them notarized? If they weren't notarized, they were technically still obligated, you know!

Now that is funny!!! Actually I am a notary, maybe I should have notarized it for them and sent a bill?